"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a stupid question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly.

 

"I want to get out."

A woman has identical twins but has to give them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds,

 

"But they are identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

12 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

 

You may substitute Thai Visa etc. in place of Facebook

If the poster was a "MOD" and you used number  3 you would be in big trouble!  Just look at what happen to Rex Tillerson when he called the POTUS a moron!

9 hours ago, wayned said:

If the poster was a "MOD" and you used number  3 you would be in big trouble!  Just look at what happen to Rex Tillerson when he called the POTUS a moron!

 

But to be fair to Rex Tillerson, he was correct.

2 hours ago, billd766 said:

 

But to be fair to Rex Tillerson, he was correct.

But isn't everyone on Thai Visa correct?

3 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

But isn't everyone on Thai Visa correct?

 

Well I am always correct, but I am not quite sure about everybody else. 

46 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

 

That was a terrible joke.

 

Give that man a coconut.

 

A Doctor recently had a patient “drop” in on him for an unscheduled appointment.

“What can I do for you today?” the Doctor asked.

The old gentleman replied: “Doctor, please help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my arms go weak, I can hardly catch my breath… Doctor, I’m scared!”

The Doctor, looking at his eighty five years old patient, said: “Mr. Atkins, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?”

The old gentleman’s response was: “Well… four times last night, and twice again this morning!”

20 hours ago, riceyummm said:

I just don't see it!

An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd quickly made way for him.

 

Lying in front of the car was a dead donkey.

 

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given the word "Timbuktu.", then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word "Timbuktu.".

  

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said...

 

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan,

Men on camels, two by two,

Destination-Timbuktu.

 

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

 

Me and Tim a huntin' went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

 

The redneck won, hands down!

 

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him.

The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me Father, for I just gave a guy a blow job."

He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but a blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what the priest usually gives for a blow job.

 

 

The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars to give me one and ten to give you one."

On 3/26/2018 at 1:43 PM, billd766 said:

 

That was a terrible joke.

 

Give that man a coconut.

+1, We have a winner here folks!!!!