Here's one in memory of warfie the OP.

 

The devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

 

 

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name and address is written inside the cover."

A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Paddy Mack.

Paddy asks the frog what he has for collateral.

The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Paddy says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack."

The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless.

 

"That's no knick knack, Paddy Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Cow Short Jokes for the kids among you!

Q: Why don't cows have any money? A: Because farmers milk them dry

 

Q: What did mama cow say to baby cow? A: It's pasture bedtime.

 

Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and an upset cow?

A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

 

Q: Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon? A: The farmer had cold hands.

 

Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: To get to the udder side.

 

Q: What do you call a cow you can't see? A: Camooflauged.

 

Q: What do you call an evil cow? A: De-mooooon.

 

Q: Why was the cow so scared? A: Because he was a cow-ard.

 

What do you call a cow who is employed to cut grass? A lawn moo-er.

 

Q: Where do cows go for lunch? A: The calf-eteria.

 

Q: Which job is a cow most suited for? A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly.

 

Q: "Where did the cows go last night"? A: "To the moon"

Quote

 

 

A naive young priest arrives in his new parish.

One evening he decides to take a walk through the streets at night to see how his flock might pass the evening.

Eventually he reaches the red light district but of course does not realise what is happening.

From out of a doorway a young scantily dressed lady approaches the priest and laughing says, ‘£20 pounds for a good time father?’

He does not understand this and moves on.

A little further down the road another young lady comes out of the doorway and says ‘£20 for a good time father?’

Again he hurries on.

The same thing happens several times more until he reaches the street by which time he is totally confused and a little embarrassed at the sight of so many women showing so much flesh.

Eventually he arrives at the local convent and decides to visit the sisters who work in his parish.

As he is welcomed into the convent he mentions his adventures to one of the sisters and asks her ‘What’s a good time sister?’

‘20 quid like everywhere else.

 

 

 

Saw this in a Pattaya to Don Muang minivan.

 

 

 

A Jewish woman says to the Pollock as they were lying in bed together,

"I thought you Poles were thick."

He said, "I thought you Jews were tight!"

 

Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results.

"Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there’s no doubt about it: you’re pregnant."

"That b*stard," she cried, and fainted dead away.

When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialled her seventy-eight-year-old husband, and screeched,

"You’ve knocked me up, you randy old goat!"

There was a long (pregnant!) pause at the other end of the line.

Then a voice said,

 

"And to whom am I speaking?, this is the third such call I've had this week! "

 

"Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" asked little Tiffany, catching sight of two dogs across the street stuck together in the act of intercourse.

"Uh . . . one dog’s old and hurt and the other one’s helping him out, honey," explained her red-faced father hastily.

"What a bad world, huh, Dad?" remarked Tiffany, looking up at him sweetly.

"Just when you’re down and out, somebody comes along, pretends to help and ends up giving it to you up the ass!"