I heard on the news this morning that people in Africa are still poaching elephants.
This despicable crime needs to stop right now.
Elephant is best served sautéed in butter and onions, until crispy yet still slightly rare.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym again yesterday.

That's 20 years in a row.

4 minutes ago, laislica said:

I heard on the news this morning that people in Africa are still poaching elephants.
This despicable crime needs to stop right now.
Elephant is best served sautéed in butter and onions, until crispy yet still slightly rare.

But where do you find a 500 gallon poaching saucepan - ebay?

 

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub....

Yet....and this is where it gets a little weird....

It's a two hour walk to my house from the pub!!

When I worked for the postal service, at one house a big dog came growling at me, a woman opened the window, and called out,

You'll be OK, just kick his balls.

So I gave the mutt an almighty boot in the testicles, dropping it to the ground.
"No, no!" she shouted, "The ones on the front lawn"

Current status; helping my grandson look for his candy that I ate last night.

1 hour ago, laislica said:

I heard on the news this morning that people in Africa are still poaching elephants.
This despicable crime needs to stop right now.
Elephant is best served sautéed in butter and onions, until crispy yet still slightly rare.

 

They are tasty but I don't think I could eat a whole one at one go.

 

15 hours ago, laislica said:

I heard on the news this morning that people in Africa are still poaching elephants.
This despicable crime needs to stop right now.
Elephant is best served sautéed in butter and onions, until crispy yet still slightly rare.

14 hours ago, billd766 said:

 

They are tasty but I don't think I could eat a whole one at one go.

If my scrambled elephant style memory serves me correctly you could always truncate it and hide the rest if you do not have the stomach for it all!

Edited April 5, 20188 yr by scottiejohn

20 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

 

If my scrambled elephant style memory serves me correctly you could always truncate it and hide the rest if you do not have the stomach for it all!

Where would you hide it - in the elephants' gravy-yard?

 

4 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

 

If my scrambled elephant style memory serves me correctly you could always truncate it and hide the rest if you do not have the stomach for it all!

 

I don't have a fridge big enough and if I ieave it out the 5 cats will probably scoff the leftovers.

5 hours ago, bluesofa said:

Where would you hide it - in the elephants' gravy-yard?

 

Tusk-Tusk

Lets try two more

 

 

(1) An elephant ran away from a circus and ended up in a little old lady's back garden.

Now she had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.

"Please come quickly,"

She said to the police officer who answered the phone.

"There's a strange-looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."

"What's it doing with them?" asked the police officer.

 

"If I told you," said the old lady, "You'd never believe me!"

 

 

　

(2) Reports are coming in of an elephant doing a ton in the highway.

Police ask motorists to drive carefully and to avoid the steaming mound.

2 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Tusk-Tusk

Lets try two more

 

 

(1) An elephant ran away from a circus and ended up in a little old lady's back garden.

Now she had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.

"Please come quickly,"

She said to the police officer who answered the phone.

"There's a strange-looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."

"What's it doing with them?" asked the police officer.

 

"If I told you," said the old lady, "You'd never believe me!"

 

 

　

(2) Reports are coming in of an elephant doing a ton in the highway.

Police ask motorists to drive carefully and to avoid the steaming mound.

Herd of elephants?

Of course I have.

 

How do you know elephants have been in the fridge? 

Footprints in the butter.

Why did the elephant paint her head yellow?

To see if blondes really do have more fun.

7 minutes ago, GarryP said:

How do you know elephants have been in the fridge? 

Footprints in the butter.

 

That joke is nearly as old as me.

What did the elephant say to a naked man?

Hey that's cute but can you breath through it and pick up buns?

 

 

Why can't an elephant use a computer?

He's too afraid of the mouse.

 

 

Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk!

What is the difference between a Elephant and a Rhino. Eliphino

 

What did the elephant say to a naked man?

Hey that's cute but can you breath through it and pick up buns?

 

Why can't an elephant use a computer?

He's too afraid of the mouse.

 

Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk!

　

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the pool?

Because their trunks kept on falling down.

　

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Edited April 5, 20188 yr by scottiejohn

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a filthy and stinking homeless man who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy booze with it instead of dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

 

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

 

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?

I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,

Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."

 

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily.

His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother.

"I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

 

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

 

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one,

"but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -

 

 

'Take a clean dish."

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

 

That is absolute brilliant. It made me crease up and when I explained what page not found means to my Thai son, he saw the joke and creased up too.