Worst Joke Ever

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

HOW/WHY

can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance or the police.

　

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

 

do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

 

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

 

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

　

do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two blokes and a woman were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, <deleted>, Etc."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,

'You'll never find anyone like me again!'

I replied

"'I should hope not! If I don't want you the way you are,

why in hell would I want someone else like you?"

 

I get out of hospital next week!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks
"What does that mean?"
He said,
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous & Hot.”
She smiled happily and said
"Oh, that's so lovely What about I, J, K?"
He said,
"I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his family jewels.

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

Can February March?

No, but April May.

 

When you have a bladder infection..

Urine trouble 

[scottiejohn]

So of course it's difficult to learn the English language.......and

learning to spell can be pure guess work.......

 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[CantSpell]

Ask George Lucas :)

 

[Andaman Al]

We bought a new Jack Russell dog today. It is mostly Brown and Black with a small white area, we have called it Bradford. 

 

I'll get my coat............

[Andrew Dwyer]

We bought a new Jack Russell dog today. It is mostly Brown and Black with a small white area, we have called it Bradford. 
 
I'll get my coat............

As a former resident of the Bradford area I am deeply dismayed to read the above as you seem to have well and truly hit the nail on the head !!

[Andaman Al]

1 minute ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

As a former resident of the Bradford area I am deeply dismayed to read the above as you seem to have well and truly hit the nail on the head !!

So many names to choose from. I used to live in Shepherds Bush 

[Andrew Dwyer]

[laislica]

[CantSpell]

Ask George Lucas :)

 

[scottiejohn]

18 hours ago, Andaman Al said:

We bought a new Jack Russell dog today. It is mostly Brown and Black with a small white area, we have called it Bradford. 

 

I'll get my coat............

Not if you are in Bradford, somebody will have stolen it already!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.

Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

 

 

The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. 

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. 

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. 

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Edited March 30, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." "Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem." says the other guy, "You see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

 

 

The other guy replies, "I found it."

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]