Worst Joke Ever

[chickenslegs]

There's good and bad in all people, for example:

Paedophiles are sick, twisted, disgusting individuals who deserve to be strung up by their balls ...

... but at least they drive slowly past schools.

 

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

TV - I.Q. Test (is that an oxymoron?)

 

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how could he go about it?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer

answer is at the bottom of the page........

Answer......

?

/

?

/

?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

 

 

 

 

PS; Also if he is blind why would he want sunglasses?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Questions?

1. If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

2. If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

3. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

4. What do chickens think we taste like?

5. What do people in China call their good plates?

6. What do you call a male ladybug?

7. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

8. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

9. When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

10. Which is the other side of the street?

11. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

12. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

13. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

14. Why don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows or mouthlashes?"

15. Why did I post this and why are you reading this rubbish?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A Loan for Kermit

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, sorry to hit on you like this but I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says,

"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says............................/

 

(You're going to hate me for this)

　

 

(A masterpiece !!!!!!!!!!!!!)

　

　

　

(Wait for it)

 

 

 

..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Edited April 8, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

[Daffy D]

10 hours ago, fasteddie said:

Subtle -  Got it eventually

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

MANAGEMENT IN THE CLOUD THINKING!!

BLAMESTORMING

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a

project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and

then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT

An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM

An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS

People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO

The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs

(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn

into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

(PROBABLY MORE TRUE THAN FUNNY-BUT WHAT THE HELL LETS TRY IT)

Answering Service At The Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the ******* mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. I say again!!!

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. No not you the other one

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. And I say again........

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. After all we know ALL about you!!!

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line - only if you have lots of phone credits of course.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. or was that 9696969696!

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.  Remember NO notes are allowed

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

QUOTES FROM POSSABLE EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "If I could I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works somewhat when under supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards an then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of a perfectly working idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "I would not trust him to sit the correct way round on a lavatory pan."

12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He has reached the zenith of an until now totally in un-distinguished naval career." (this one is real-I have used it)

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell - if he only knew how."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done finding or using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

[riceyummm]

Edited April 10, 2018 by riceyummm

[riceyummm]

Edited April 10, 2018 by riceyummm

[billd766]

 

I am sorting my Ebooks out and came across this one.

 

The mammoth book of tasteless jokes

 

Ebook by E Henry Thripshaw

 

 

2 jokes from the hundreds in the book.

 

 

 

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

 

There’s a 12 month waiting list.

 

 

A man calls his wife from the Accident and Emergency ward and tells her that he lost a finger in a building site accident.

 

“Oh my God” says his wife, “The whole finger”.

 

“No” replied her husband. “The one next to it”.

 

 

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

My Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker,

It came with my pea see.

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I dew knot sea.

 

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait aweigh.

 

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the era rite

Its rarely ever wrong.

 

I've scent this massage threw it,

And I'm shore your pleased too no

Its letter prefect in every weigh;

My checker tolled me sew.

 

PS;  Who says English is difikult?

Edited April 10, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The Perks of Being Over 70...

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks

into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

[scottiejohn]

Pre Songkran warning!!

 

[scottiejohn]

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said,

 

 

 

 

"Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

[scottiejohn]