Worst Joke Ever

[superal]

Subject: BIOLOGY EXAM.........
 

Students in a Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[superal]

The Winter Boots   (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)   Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?   He asked for help and she could see why.     Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.   By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.   She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'   She looked, and sure enough, they were.   Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.  She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.  He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'   She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?'  like she wanted to.  Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.  No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,   'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today .'   Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.  But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.  Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'   He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'   She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

[scottiejohn]

Edited June 17, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

Is the truth allowed here?

 

 

[scottiejohn]

And which one memorized the PIN for later use?

[scottiejohn]

20 hours ago, laislica said:

Is the truth allowed here?

On TV Forums?

My vote for the best Joke ever on TV

 

 ?

Edited June 18, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

 

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper. 
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? 
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." 
The Doctor says: "l have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." 
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. 
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" 

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
 "That's correct," says the defendant.
 "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
 "That's correct," says the defendant.
 "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

 

 

 "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A guy and a girl go on a date and are parked on a back road some distance from town. Things are getting hot and heavy when she stops him.
 "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $80 for sex," she says.
 He stares at her for a couple of seconds, shrugs, gives her four twenties and goes for it.
 Later, he's smoking a cigarette and looking out the window.
 "Why aren't we going anywhere?" she asks.

 

 

 "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $100." 

 

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

Bad joke?

 

[CantSpell]

[superal]

8 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

And which one memorized the PIN for later use?

One of your selfies John ??

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, superal said:

One of your selfies John ?

Damm it.  I have told you before you should not be publishing our private photos and moments like this.  BTW what was the PIN? and how is the buffalo?

 

?

Edited June 18, 2018 by scottiejohn

[CantSpell]

[superal]

So this suave well dressed guy in his mid 70 s ( Reggie ) is sat at a bar in a top class night club on a Friday evening . Next to him are 3 ladies and he gets involved in a conversation . He then tells them that he is a global business tycoon and staying at the 5 star Hilton for a few days before flying out to Florida in his private jet . He also reveals that he was widowed recently and is looking for a new bride . After he has bought three rounds of drinks he singles out the 24 year old blonde with large boobs and she is besotted with him . They leave the bar and dine in a romantic restaurant where he proposes to her and she accepts .

They return to his hotel and spend the night making passionate love . The next day Reggie takes her  to a high class jewelers to buy an engagement ring . She selects one at $5000 but Reggie says oh no , I want only the best for you and points at a ring for $100,000 which she loves . As it is a Saturday the banks are closed he has to pay by cheque . The jeweller says you can collect the ring on Monday  . So for the next 2 days and nights most of the time is spent in the hotel bedroom . On the Monday morning  Reggie tells her to go and collect the ring but when she sees the jeweller he says that the cheque will not clear with the bank . She returns to the hotel only to find that Reggie has checked out and gone .  Meanwhile Reggie gets off the bus and unlocks the front door to his 1 bedroom council flat where he reminisces and plans his next big weekend out after he has saved enough money from his miserly UK state pension .  

[superal]

On 6/12/2018 at 9:06 AM, superal said:

A man wakes up in Hospital in Australia bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Highway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."   The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."  The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.  The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"   "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?"   "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.  "We're getting granite kitchen bench tops."

 

[superal]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show

 
”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers - taxidermists who operated in

 

 

 

London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

 

 
“Sticks,” said Paddy.
 

[superal]

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" 
> "I'm sending a voicemail." 
> 
> Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. 
> "Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" 
> 
> 19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" 
> Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." 
> 
> The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum 
> cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. 
> 
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was 
> standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 
> hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, 
> they've lost the plot! 
> 
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our 
> local pet shop and they were £70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one 
> cheaper off the web. 
> 
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her 
> balance, so I pushed her over. 
> 
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. 
> 
> I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was 
> sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that 
> guy's heading for a breakdown. 
> 
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy. 
> 
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe 
> that, 2.30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 
> 
> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get 
> reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would 
> like to come back as a cow. 
> I said "You're obviously not listening." 
> 
> The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. 
> So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 
> 
> Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. 
> Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. 
> 
> Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and 
> stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her 
> forehead and realised she was just on standby. 
> 
> The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she 
> suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I 
> thought to myself, "She's going through the change." 
> 
> When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't 
> feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of 
> sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! 
> 
> Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six 
> people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be 
> following some kind of pattern. 
 

[superal]

 A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or 
> any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something 
> wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex 
> therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese 
> sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the 
> examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. 'The 
> woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to 
> odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. 
> Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she 
> did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. 
> You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf 
> sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang 
> what is Ed Zachary Disease ?' 
> Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your 
> face look Ed Zachary like your ass.' 

[superal]

A man walks out on the street and hails a cab that was just going by. 
 
He gets in and the driver says "Perfect timing, just like Frank Feldman." 
 
Passenger - "Who?" 
 
Cabbie "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along when you needed a cab. Things like that happened to him every single time." 
 
Passenger -"There are always a few clouds over everybody." 
 
Cabbie - "Not Frank Feldman. He was a great athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam of tennis. He could golf with the pros, sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." 
 
Passenger - "Sounds like he was really special." 
 
Cabbie - "There's more. He had a great memory. He remembered everyone's birthday. He knew all about wine, what foods to order and which forks to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole block goes dark. He always knew the best route to avoid traffic. He knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even when she was wrong. His clothing was immaculate, shoes highly shined. He was the perfect man. I never knew him to make a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." 
 
Passenger - "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" 
 
Cabbie- "Well, I never actually met him. He died and I married his f***ing wife." 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few doubles, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye(s) and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

 Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:

 

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?" 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the on screen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so hard but so cold?"

 

"Because you're jerking off my Ice Lolly!" the man replied. 
 

[scottiejohn]