Unusual Funeral

A man was leaving the bank when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession  approaching the town cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long  black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The guy was so curious that he respectfully approached the bereaved man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a  bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"Oh I am sorry. What happened to her?"

He replied, "My dog attacked and killed her when she found me in bed with a young nympho."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse then?"

The grieving man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was with her daughter when they burst into the bedroom and the dog also killed her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog - name your price?"

 

"Get in line.  The two bitches were both hated by all and that crowd are not mourners" 

5 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

It's snow joke if you can't afford the cover!

But I won't count it against you as you seem to be covered on this occassion.

On 6/21/2018 at 4:40 PM, scottiejohn said:

Yet another selfie John ?

1 hour ago, superal said:

!Yet another selfie John ?

Yeah! I agree it seems like I have  gone to pot just a little bit, although I still think the lovely young girls down that pole dancing bar we met in last weak (sic) with your lady boy friends were correct to refer to me as the most hansomist man in ba today. ( the retching noises in the background had nothing to do with me, I believe!)

 

I blame the poor image in the photo on me holding up that flag you told me to display up so high!  You said i would very pride to do so.  Can you explain that for me when me meet up later.  (Oops don't forget the Baht for you know what, you know what happened the last time you forgot to pay that pusher!)

Oh! also can you explain why your boyfriend draped that funny coloured snake round my neck.  I just don't understand it.  It tickled in all the wrong places and smelt of some very strange things. Also did she get his high heels and laddered stockings sorted out before your proud march, which is what I think you called the coming event.

 

PS;  That shot of you in the background with that scraggy beard does you no favours either!

 

 

 

 

13 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Yeah! I agree it seems like I have  gone to pot just a little bit, although I still think the lovely young girls down that pole dancing bar we met in last weak (sic) with your lady boy friends were correct to refer to me as the most hansomist man in ba today. ( the retching noises in the background had nothing to do with me, I believe!)

 

I blame the poor image in the photo on me holding up that flag you told me to display up so high!  You said i would very pride to do so.  Can you explain that for me when me meet up later.  (Oops don't forget the Baht for you know what, you know what happened the last time you forgot to pay that pusher!)

Oh! also can you explain why your boyfriend draped that funny coloured snake round my neck.  I just don't understand it.  It tickled in all the wrong places and smelt of some very strange things. Also did she get his high heels and laddered stockings sorted out before your proud march, which is what I think you called the coming event.

 

PS;  That shot of you in the background with that scraggy beard does you no favours either!

 

 

 

 

You crack me up John ( pun not meant ) ,  so sorry if I touched a nerve but what ever turns you on ?

5 hours ago, superal said:

You crack me up John ( pun not meant ) ,  so sorry if I touched a nerve but what ever turns you on ?

No nerve(s) touched - keep trying.  The exchanges are meant and taken in fun on my part and as they seem to be on yours.

 

PS;  I did warn you I would get revenge

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a

Ford car. He radios for backup.

"What's the  situation?"

"A big fat darkie is dancing on the roof of  an old Ford car."

"You can't say that over the radio",  replies the operator, "you have

to  use politically correct  terminology"

"OK", he says:



"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"

Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last

 

wishes.  When all is ready he begins to speak:  "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." 

 

"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."  "My son, Jamie, I want you to take

 

the offices over in the City."  "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks

of the Thames ." 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings.  As Dave

 

slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences.  Your husband must

 

have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property..............

"Property?”, Sarah Smith replies. “The <deleted> had a window cleaning round.
 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. 

His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this 

House is   £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.  

There's no way we can afford it.' 

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the

 
Front  door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?' 

Little  Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and I

 

Heard you  telling mum you were pulling out. 

Then I heard her tell you to wait  because she was coming too. 

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a 

£280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened
with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made
a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements. She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!     But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 6 6 6 1 3 6 4 2 9

A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he definitely spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to dodge or deflect it.

He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window. Seeing this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women.  She got up and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.
 
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic bitch."
 
She smiled and said to him, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed camel-xxxxker.

Andy Believed in a 'Positive Approach to Life

Sadly he was involved in a serious road accident one evening

Later that night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function  and a pretty nurse hovering  over him.

He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable,

"You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits, then?"

Now, that my  friends is a positive attitude….

Creation -v- Evolution

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Double A paper company!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7-11.”

 

 

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with  your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice..
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

On ‎6‎/‎23‎/‎2018 at 1:59 PM, superal said:

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

He must have joined the RBS very early on.  They have been screwing their customers like that for many decades.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
 A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
 He then takes of his pants and washes his hands again.
 The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist!"
 The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
 "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
 One thing led to another and they make love.
 After they've finished and he has taken IT out the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
 The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "The best there is! How did you figure that out?"

 

 She says "I didn't feel a thing when you said you took it out!" 

Little (or should that be BIG) Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

"If you go into a room with £200," the teacher began," and you gave £50 to Mary, £50 to Sally and £50 to Susan, what would you have?"

 

 "An orgy " Johnny answered.