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Posted
21 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle ?







Because dogs can’t whistle ????

You must be barking mad to post that one as I did not hear that coming.

Posted

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.

A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG ROAD HOG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a very pig in the middle of the road and dies immediately.
 

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Posted

 

What's the difference between a woman and Bigfoot? 
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet. 

 

 What does a woman call true love? 
 An erection. 

 

 Why is a fat woman like a moped? 
 They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one. 

 

 What's the difference between a woman and a parrot? 
 You can teach a parrot to talk nicely. 

 

 What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital? 
 At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out. 

 

 What is six inches long, two inches wide and make women act like fools? 
 Money. 

 

 What's the most effective birth control device for women. 
 Their manners. 

  
 

Posted

Time to get back to the oldies;

 

‘What do you call a flirty philosopher? 
Socra-tease.’ 

 

‘At work we’ve got a printer we’ve nicknamed Bob Marley. 
Cause it’s always jammin’

 

‘I’ve just burned my Hawaiian pizza. 
I should have put it on aloha setting.’

 

‘How do you get a fat girl into bed?
 Piece of cake.’

 

‘Whenever anyone asks to share my KitKat, 
I give them two fingers,’

 

You’re never more than two feet away from a pair of shoes.’ 

 

‘I tried the tinnitus helpline but it’s no good. 
It just keeps ringing.’

 

the retired general confessed he hadn’t kissed a woman since 1956.
On hearing his friend’s commiserations, he replied: 
‘Mind you, it’s only 2030 hours now.’

 
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? 
Nina Nina

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Posted

 

I used to have a job at a calendar factory. 
I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

 

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? 
Never mind — it’s tearable.


What do you call a factory that sells passable products? 
A satisfactory.


Where do you learn to make ice cream at the weekends? 
Sundae school.
 
I wouldn’t buy anything with Velcro. 
It’s a complete rip-off.


You know what’s funny? 
A good joke. (this is not one of them)


Why did the hairdresser win the race? 
He knew a short cut.


My wife suggested I wash the car with our son. 
I told her a sponge would be better.


What did the ocean say to the shore? 
Nothing, it just waved.


Two peanuts were walking down the street. 
One was a salted.


What do you call a male ant? 
An uncle.

Posted
On 9/27/2018 at 5:54 AM, scottiejohn said:

143756272_divorcecourt.jpg.151da65b3a7c1462d2532e7f2472c1f2.jpg

Ah,  my cousin was north bound on State Highway 101 in San Jose, California, when that picture was taken.  

Posted
6 minutes ago, superal said:

A Scottish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson Scottiejohn who is coming to visit with his wife.
 
    "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
    "What . . . .  You're coming empty handed?"

But Granny you told me at my Bar mitzvah to uphold all aspects of my Scottish/Jewish faith and never insult someone by bearing unasked for gifts, it makes them feel like paupers you said!

 

PS;  I do have a blank will form for you to sign.

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