Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

[laislica]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why i n the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

[laislica]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

[laislica]

Some doctor on tele this morning said that the way to achieve inner

peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around

my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before

leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a

bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage

of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of

the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

[kevjohn]

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation …

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.”

She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies,” that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having with you on his fishing trip.”

[kevjohn]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….”You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, “Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes.”

[kevjohn]

A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH;*

*HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.*

*THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED

… ‘DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC’?*

*THE HUSBAND SAID,

‘NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS’ *

Edited November 21, 2012 by kevjohn

[bthai2012]

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot

[kevjohn]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.

‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘Giving up?’

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’

Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’

Larry asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,

running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’

His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ….’

[yourauntbob]

Q: Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam?

A: You can not peanut butter you c@ck in a girl

Edited November 21, 2012 by yourauntbob

[yourauntbob]

A guy is walking down a San Diego beach one day and stumbles upon a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a gene appears and tells him he gets one wish.

The man thinks for a second; "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but am afraid to fly and get sea sick easily, build me a bridge from here to Hawaii"

The gene responds "do you know how much cement, architecture, and other materials that would consume? please select something requiring less effort"

The man again thinks and says "Ok I got it and this will not cost anything; help me understand women"

The gene thinks for a second and responds "do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[yourauntbob]

A man finds a lamp and rubs it. Suddenly a gene appears

Gene: "I will grant you three wishes with one catch, your mother-in-law will receive twice whatever you wish?"

Wish one: I want ten million dollars. A suitcase appears with ten million dollars and two suitcases appear in front of his mother-in -law each with ten million dollars

Wish two: I want a mansion on the beach. A mansion appears on the beach, two more mansions then appear on either side of his for his mother-in-law

The man thinks for a second

Wish Three: Beat me half to death....

[yourauntbob]

A man comes home from work one day and says to his wife "Honey pack your bags, I just won the lottery"

Wife asks "Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?"

Husband "I dont care, just get the he11 out!"

[laislica]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.... Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You

haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day

[yourauntbob]

How do you know your on a plane full of Englishmen?

When the engine stops you can still hear whining

[yourauntbob]

What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?

Sparky!!!!

[kevjohn]

Wife : How have you managed to get home so early today?

Husband : My boss lost temper with me and shouted “Go to hell”. So I came home.

[kevjohn]

A Chinese couple got married. When their baby was born, she had big blue eyes, curly blonde hair and brown skin.

They named her … SAM TING LONG.

[kevjohn]

Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain?

17% said yes;

11% said No;

72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”

[kevjohn]

BOSS: “Do you believe in Life after Death?”

EMPLOYEE: “Certainly not! There’s no proof of it.”

BOSS: There is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came here looking for you.”

[kevjohn]

After Daylight Saving Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!

[steveromagnino]

K Somluck arrives at work, 11am late as usual.

Boss says angrily to Somluck, "you should have been here 2 hours ago!!."

K Somluck turns and says, "why, what happened?"

[warfie]

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house -- I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare."

[Dancealot]

A moose comes to the bar, the bartender says:

I am not amused.

[kevjohn]

A lady noticed a man placing a rose on each of three graves next to each other.

The next few weeks she saw him again doing the same thing.

She came close to him and asked : "I am sorry but it looks like you have been through a big tragedy."

The man said: "Well in the first grave is my first wife. She ate poisonous mushroom and died.

In the second grave is my second wife, she also ate poisonous mushroom and died.

In the third grave is my third wife. She refused to eat poisonous mushroom."

[kevjohn]

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring

.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.“

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

[kevjohn]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age),

but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

The pharmacist fainted.

[kevjohn]

My wife was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

[kevjohn]

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex !

A friend of mine was wearing one when

he was shot by the woman's husband.

[kevjohn]

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRY-SOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of women are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated!