Worst Joke Ever

[wayned]

Q: What do Americans do with used chewing gum?

A: Recycle it, make denture cream and export it to Canada!

[kevjohn]

I just read an article on the dangers of

heavy drinking....

Scared the crap out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

[CrazyKid]

Stupid Murderer

A man was found with his arms cut off and a short time latter a man was arrested by customs officials with 2 human arms. It did not take long for the customs agents to figure out the case. But they couln't figure out the motive.

So the agents asked the suspect what he was planning on doing with the arms.

His reply "I was told you can get rich selling arms to Iran"

[wayned]

I'm sure that you could if they were the "right" arms.

[kevjohn]

Two deaf people have been married for just a few months. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom at night when the lights go out because they can't see each others sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? If you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,

"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

[kevjohn]

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual.

For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands.

When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts.

The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"

To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!"

The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts.

He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music."

"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"

[Chicog]

Two Irishmen are visiting Rome, and they stop in a pub for a drink. "Seamus, what is it that the Pope drinks there now?" asks Paddy. "That'll be Creme de Menthe" says Seamus.

"OK barman, we'll have two pints of Creme de Menthe and keep them coming".

In the morning they wake up in the alley next to the pub, massively hungover, covered in vomit, etc.

"Seamus, are you sure the Pope drinks that Creme de Menthe stuff?" asks Paddy.

"For sure", says Seamus.

"Well no wonder they carry him around in a f***ing chair" says Paddy.

[warfie]

Two Irishmen are visiting Rome, and they stop in a pub for a drink. "Seamus, what is it that the Pope drinks there now?" asks Paddy. "That'll be Creme de Menthe" says Seamus.

"OK barman, we'll have two pints of Creme de Menthe and keep them coming".

In the morning they wake up in the alley next to the pub, massively hungover, covered in vomit, etc.

"Seamus, are you sure the Pope drinks that Creme de Menthe stuff?" asks Paddy.

"For sure", says Seamus.

"Well no wonder they carry him around in a f***ing chair" says Paddy.

Billy Connolly?

[warfie]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief.

He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''

[CrazyKid]

Merger.. maybe this should be in the Business Forum

I just got word from a secret source.

Federal Express is buying United Parcel (UPS) delivery service. The new company name will be "FedUp"

[scottishjohn]

Two Irishmen are visiting Rome, and they stop in a pub for a drink. "Seamus, what is it that the Pope drinks there now?" asks Paddy. "That'll be Creme de Menthe" says Seamus.

"OK barman, we'll have two pints of Creme de Menthe and keep them coming".

In the morning they wake up in the alley next to the pub, massively hungover, covered in vomit, etc.

"Seamus, are you sure the Pope drinks that Creme de Menthe stuff?" asks Paddy.

"For sure", says Seamus.

"Well no wonder they carry him around in a f***ing chair" says Paddy.

Billy Connolly?

Yes

[Ron19]

Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy

Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?

A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?

A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

Edited January 10, 2013 by Ron19

[Ron19]

One day a woman went in hospital to have a baby and decided there and then that she would also have cosmetic surgery to her vagina to make it look more youthful, seeing as her gammon was dangling a bit low and looked a bit like a ripped out fireplace.

She decided that she needed a little tuck here and a nip there so it would stop looking like a badly packed kebab.

After having her baby, she was immediately taken into the operating room for her horses collar to be worked on.

After coming out of the anaesthetic she saw three roses in a vase at the base of her bed.

"Who sent me the roses?" the woman asked the nurse.

"Well," replied the nurse, "The first rose is from the surgeon, just to say thanks for making the operation go so well."

"Ohhh, that's nice," said the woman, "Who sent the other two then?"

"Well," replied the nurse, "The second rose is from your husband, seeing as you have been so brave."

"Ohhhhh, he's so sweet."said the woman, "But who sent the third rose?"

"Well," replied the nurse, "Thats from Eric in the burns unit. He just wanted to say thanks for the ears!"

Edited January 10, 2013 by Ron19

[Ron19]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'...am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,

what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[warfie]

Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency?

A: Question marks.

[maturebrit]

A girl porn star eventually gets pregnant and while in the labour ward tells the mid wife shes been waiting so long to hear the first sounds of her newborn.....Mid wife thinks ahhhhh thats sweet.....after delivery the girl shouts ...smack its ass plz and be quick.. whereupon the first cry came out.....Oh thank god...... I was terrified it was going to bark

Sent from my GT-N7000 using Thaivisa Connect App

[CrazyKid]

Smart Pills

Guy goes to Doctor and tells him "I am really dumb, just plan stupid, Is there anything you can do for me doctor?"

The Doctor gives him a bottle of pills, tells him to take 2x a day and come back next week.

Guy comes back 1 week later, "Doctor I am still dumb and the pills taste like S*it"

Doctor tells him;

"They are shit and you paid for them but it proves you are getting smarter"

[scottishjohn]

Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency?

A: Question marks.

This is a dated joke but then maybe 'euro no agree'

[007]

Yesterday I went to a very bad seafood restaurant. It served salmonella.

All shopping centers are the same. You've seen one, you've seen theM all!

Why are fish so smart? Give up? 'Cause they swim in schools.

Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chili dog. Wocka Wocka Wocka!

Wait! These are old Fozzie Bear jokes...

Edited January 14, 2013 by 007

[007]

Reporter: Doctors say that boxing is a dangerous sport. Do you agree?

Rocky: Yes. Doctors shouldn't box.

Maitre d': Do you have a reservation?

Guest: Reservation?? Do I look like a f***ing Red Indian?

Edited January 14, 2013 by 007

[007]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

George Bush's Answer:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us, or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

John Kerry's Answer:

While serving in Vietnam, I was in favor of the chicken crossing the road. Then later I realized that there were those who needed the chicken on this side of the road. Now I would like to see the chicken on the other side of the road, unless of course it would be better served to be on this side of the road. Ideally, I think the chicken should be in the middle of the road.

Bill Gates' Answer:

I have just released eChicken 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Dr. Seuss' Answer:

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, the chicken crossed the road,

But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway's Answer:

To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr.'s Answer:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

Grandpa's Answer:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters' Answer:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Ralph Nader's Answer:

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Jerry Seinfeld's Answer:

Why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Pat Buchanan's Answer:

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Jerry Falwell's Answer:

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

Aristotle's Answer:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Captain Kirk's Answer:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Bill Clinton's Answer:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

Albert Einstein's Answer:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Sigmund Freud's Answer:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A.P.D.'s Answer:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken, and I'll find out.

Louis Farrakhan's Answer:

The road, you will see, represents the Black man. The chicken crossed the "Black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

O.J. Simpson's Answer:

It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

[bri1guy]

What job is it ok to take short cuts all day long? A barber

[Ron19]

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool.One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two VB's, thanks."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country-the climate, the beer, the culture . . ."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Pies, peas and VB, that's us, hey, Jim?

And we can't stand the Yanks; not civil and polite like us Aussies."

"So why keep going to the States?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Edited January 14, 2013 by Ron19

[tombkk]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

George Bush's Answer:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us, or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

John Kerry's Answer:

While serving in Vietnam, I was in favor of the chicken crossing the road. Then later I realized that there were those who needed the chicken on this side of the road. Now I would like to see the chicken on the other side of the road, unless of course it would be better served to be on this side of the road. Ideally, I think the chicken should be in the middle of the road.

Bill Gates' Answer:

I have just released eChicken 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Dr. Seuss' Answer:

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, the chicken crossed the road,

But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway's Answer:

To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr.'s Answer:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

Grandpa's Answer:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters' Answer:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Ralph Nader's Answer:

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Jerry Seinfeld's Answer:

Why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Pat Buchanan's Answer:

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Jerry Falwell's Answer:

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

Aristotle's Answer:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Captain Kirk's Answer:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Bill Clinton's Answer:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

Albert Einstein's Answer:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Sigmund Freud's Answer:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A.P.D.'s Answer:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken, and I'll find out.

Louis Farrakhan's Answer:

The road, you will see, represents the Black man. The chicken crossed the "Black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

O.J. Simpson's Answer:

It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

A chicken and a duck stand by the road, it looks like they are going to cross.

Says the chicken to the duck: "Don't even think about it, you'll never hear the end of it."

[warfie]

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he was stuck in the chicken...

[mca]

A frog walks into a bank one day and walks up to the loan counter. The bloke behind the desk was an Irishman with the name tag Paddy Wack.

Paddy asked the frog, "May I help you?"

The frog said, "I need a loan of 20,000 quid to buy a car please."

"That's a pretty big loan for a frog," said Patty.

"Yes it is. My dad is Mick Jagger but he's too tight arsed to lend me the money" replied the frog.

"Well with that kind of loan we would need some kind of security," said Paddy.

The Frog quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out a little ceramic duck and handed it to Paddy.

Paddy stared at it for a second and told the frog that this was highly unusual and he would have to check with the bank manager.

Paddy went back to the manager's office confused and explained that a frog wanted 20000 quid for a loan and gave a ceramic duck as security. "What is this thing anyway?"

The bank manager replied, "It's a Knick Knack Paddy Wack give the frog a loan... his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Ron19]

My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:

"I wanna watch !"

[Ron19]

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom ?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

[warfie]

This may be too bad even for this thread!

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman wouldn’t''t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn't sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks; and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.

So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn't eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish.

The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!

I'll get my coat.,..

[kevjohn]

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind: 14 children

30 grandchildren

45 Great-grandchildren

25 Great-great-grandchildren....

And a 15 foot crater where the crematorium used to be......