Three FASTEST means of Communication

1. Tele-Phone

2. Tele-Vision

3. Tell to Woman

Need still FASTER – Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE..

Here is my favourite old joke.

What does DNA stand for?

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Answer: National Dyslexsic Association

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over.

"What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.

"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver.

"You must go at least 50mph."

"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.

"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"

The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her.

She looked as pale as a ghost.

"What happened to her?" the officer asks.

"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."

A dilapidated and very ancient Ford pulled into the local garage.

'Could you let me have half a gallon of petrol?' asked the old fellow at the wheel.

'Why don't you fill her up, now that you're here?' said the attendant.

'Well,' said the old chap, 'she might not run that far.'

A man in a Jaguar passed a mini that had broken down by the side of the road.

Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.

After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed.

The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a mini in tow,

slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road,

the mini and it's occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope, frantically trying to attract their attention, but failing.

A Police car saw them and gave chase.

The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph - and a bloke in a mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"

There are a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink...

One Friday, Rick showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp...

Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me

that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week...I can't believe it"...

At which point Bob put his hand on Rick's shoulder and said reassuringly,

"You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out altogether.

Irish carpenter:

First time he hit the nail he missed it second time he hit it in the same place.

PMS jokes are not Funny; Period

A tourist is fibbing away about how great things are in his country.

Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.

"There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!"

"Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"

"Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

First soldier: "Why ever not?"

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

Tetanus Shot

This is for you old folks, anyone over 50 is eligible!

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,

I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

Note to kevjohn

Put away the black shoe polish and turn the clock back 1 hour on the 7th April 2013

Two outback cowboys are having a chat about their favourite sexual positions, when one of them says; “I like the rodeo rider.”

“The rodeo rider?” The other cowboy says, “what is that?, never heard of it!”

“Well”, says the first cowboy, “when you're doing it doggy style you lean forward, get a firm hold of your wife's boobs and then you whisper in her ear; gee, they feel exactly the same as your sister's.. And then you try to stay on for another ten seconds!!”

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question.

"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

"Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

Two dyslexic chaps sat in KCF and one says "Can you smell gas?"

"Don't be silly" says the other "I can't even smell my own name"

Two clones are on a roof, naked.

One clone pushes the other clone off.

The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.

One for the Brits.

Was in Tesco's food hall,

""Can l have a Hamburger and chips''

She said ''Do you want anything on the burger''

''Yes, 50 pence each way please''

I get this poem every winter and every winter I love re-reading it.

It's a beautiful short poem and very well written.

A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Sh*t!

It's cold!

The End.

I get this poem every winter and every winter I love re-reading it.

It's a beautiful short poem and very well written.

A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Sh*t!

It's cold!

The End.

Or, I told you to park the car at McD's where we could find it.

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

The husband, being a normal man, was speechless............. finally he replied,

"I am on the toilet, what should I do?

Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.

So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.

They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. ...........The potato goes in the front!'

Here's a classic I haven't heard in YEARS. this was, in fact, the first "dirty" joke I ever learned.

Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.

Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.

He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?”

Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my arse hurts!”

Here's a classic I haven't heard in YEARS. this was, in fact, the first "dirty" joke I ever learned.

Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.

Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.

He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?”

Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my arse hurts!”

That did it - leave the room - you win - don't forget your coat.

That is the worst joke EVER!!!!

A bear walks into a bar in a really remote part of Alaska. He sits down, says to the bartender he has been hunting all day, is thirsty, and would really like a beer. The bartender refuses, pointing to a sign behind the bar that says No Beer For Bears. Now the bear becomes angry, and says unless he is served a beer, he is going to eat the girl sitting next to him. The bartender still refuses, pointing to the sign with annoyance. The bear now goes berserk and wolfs down the girl , with blood flying everywhere. When he is done, he snarls at the bartender " Now you have to give me a beer!!" The bartender refuses again, pointing to another sign that says No Beer For Drug Users. The bears asks in astonishment what the hell the bartender is talking about.. The bartender shrugs his shoulders, and says " That was a bar-bitch-you-ate....."

A bear walks into a bar in a really remote part of Alaska. He sits down, says to the bartender he has been hunting all day, is thirsty, and would really like a beer. The bartender refuses, pointing to a sign behind the bar that says No Beer For Bears. Now the bear becomes angry, and says unless he is served a beer, he is going to eat the girl sitting next to him. The bartender still refuses, pointing to the sign with annoyance. The bear now goes berserk and wolfs down the girl , with blood flying everywhere. When he is done, he snarls at the bartender " Now you have to give me a beer!!" The bartender refuses again, pointing to another sign that says No Beer For Drug Users. The bears asks in astonishment what the hell the bartender is talking about.. The bartender shrugs his shoulders, and says " That was a bar-bitch-you-ate....."

Are you sure,laislica?