A bear walks into a bar in a really remote part of Alaska. He sits down, says to the bartender he has been hunting all day, is thirsty, and would really like a beer. The bartender refuses, pointing to a sign behind the bar that says No Beer For Bears. Now the bear becomes angry, and says unless he is served a beer, he is going to eat the girl sitting next to him. The bartender still refuses, pointing to the sign with annoyance. The bear now goes berserk and wolfs down the girl , with blood flying everywhere. When he is done, he snarls at the bartender " Now you have to give me a beer!!" The bartender refuses again, pointing to another sign that says No Beer For Drug Users. The bears asks in astonishment what the hell the bartender is talking about.. The bartender shrugs his shoulders, and says " That was a bar-bitch-you-ate....."

Are you sure,laislica?

Yep, it takes the cake

Oh, and well done BTW

A civil servant found a magic lamp, gave it a rub, and out popped a genie.

The genie says, just one wish, make it a good one!

Civil servant thinks for several minutes then says "I wish that I never have to work again!"

POOF!

Absolutely nothing changes...

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your "x"...she's not coming back, and we don't know "y" either!

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-coloured hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?

A: To protect clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

The penis mightier than the sword.

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the

Paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do

Sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole

Person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2

Complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a

Job Bcuz of my persinalety...

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want

To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore

Anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

PS : I half includeded a

Pickture of me B low.

Dear Peggy May:

Start on Monday, we have spell check.

And I haven't even had my coffee yet!?!?!?!

ARGGGHHH!!!!

mummy Polar bear and young polar bear out on an ice flow:

mummy am I a polar bear?

yes dear I am your mother and I am a polar bear.

mummy you SURE I am a polar bear

yes dear your daddy was polar bear and your mummy is a polar bear

but are you Sure I AM a polar bear?

of course dear why do you not believe me?

well if your sure I AM a polar bear WHY AM I SO F>>>G COLD!!

Two guys are out hunting in the woods. Off in the distance they see a bear who sees them as well..

The bear starts charging down the hill towards the hunters, who realize even if they shot the bear it will not be in time to prevent the attack. One of the hunters whips off his pack which has a pair of running shoes inside which he puts on immediately. The other hunter looks at him and says" are you crazy? you cannot outrun a bear!!!" The hunter with his shoes on now says" of course I cannot outrun a bear, but I only have to outrun you......."

sounds like the oldie..two guys taking a leak..one gets bitten on his member by a snake..other goes for doctor comes back after doc tells him to suck the poison out.."what the doc say"???..."your gonna die"

A man standing at a urinal notices that he's being watched by a midget.

"Wow," comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.

Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look."

Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it. Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "OK, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says: "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Joe "I don't think my mom knows much about children."

Teacher "Why do you say that?"

Joe "Because she always puts me to bed when I am wide awake and gets me up when I am sleepy."

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper.

There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned."

The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.

"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behaviour!"

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie.

He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuc_k your brains out."

"Well, what do you think today?"

He says, "mission accomplished."

All the gods of ancient Greece were having a party one night. To liven things up , they had brought in some human girls to service the gods. One of the girls was a stunning beauty, but she had a lisp. By early morning she was a laying down trying to recover her strength back after endless sex with different gods.

At that point, Thor , the god of thunder took a fancy to her, came up, and announced " I am Thor !!!!!

The girl looked at him, and said" yes!!!!! I am thor too, these gods are really well endowed!!!! "

I wanted to learn ballet so I went to the local ballet school. The instructor said " Are you flexible?"

"Well I can't make Tuesdays" I replied.

( re the Horse meat in food scandal currently taking place in the UK )..............

A Horse walks into a bar............the barman say's...........

" Sorry, we don't serve food here "

Got into trouble in the river yesterday.

Was on the point of drowning when I was pulled out by the balls.

Cant thank Mr and Mrs Ball enough.

Did I already tell the joke about Alzheimers...?

Did I already tell the joke about Alzheimers...?

What's Alzheimer’s?

Did I already tell the joke about Alzheimers...?

What's Alzheimer’s?

Errr,,,,,, nearly had it then.

Did I already tell the joke about Alzheimers...?

What's Alzheimer’s?

Errr,,,,,, nearly had it then.

This must be the worst joke cos it's not a joke.

My Mum had it and would ask the same question ten or more times. I always gave her the answer and sometimes she might look at me in a puzzled way and say "I just asked you that didn't I ?"It was rather sad but for us, not her, she generally had no idea. She is in a better place now (well I hope she remembered to press the up button).....