Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

Perfect parenting - Thanks for the quick lesson.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

000PS!

[Star Dust]

Edited February 25, 2013 by Star Dust

[kevjohn]

The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, ‘I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!’

[riceyummm]

1. "Morning Sex"
   
   She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
   Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
   As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
   Softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
   My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
   Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
   Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
   Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
   Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
   Her T-shirt still around her neck.
   Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
   "What was that all about?"
   
   She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[riceyummm]

1. It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked

   their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

   Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught

   the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the

   winter was going to be like.

   Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the

   winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village

   should collect firewood to be prepared.

   But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

   He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Serviceand asked,

   'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

   'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the

   meteorologist at the weather service responded.

   So the c hief went back to his people and told them to collect even

   more firewood in order to be prepared.

   A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does

   it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

   'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's

   going to be a very cold winter.'

   The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect

   every scrap of firewood they could find.

   Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service

   again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very

   cold?'

   'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it

   is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

   'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

   The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of

   firewood.

[riceyummm]

I love this one.

[riceyummm]

1. Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[Ron19]

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the worst times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please ............ go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a torch?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.

And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself!!

[kevjohn]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside
Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down

the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and

they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car,
collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the

driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[kevjohn]

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm.

Well he lost his left leg about a week ago.

Nothing to worry about tho, he's all right now.

[kevjohn]

Dog For Sale . Free to good home.

Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves,
murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name,

Ho Lee Schitt.

[yourauntbob]

A women is outside her apartment smoking in the rain and notices the woman next to her has a condom over her cigarette. Curious, the first woman asks the stranger "Why do you have a condom on your cigarette?"

Woman 2: "It protects the cigarette from getting wet in the rain, try it and you'll notice the difference"

The next day as the first woman is driving to work in the rain she stops off at the pharmacy and asks for some condoms.

The pharmacist asks: "What brand and size do you need"

Woman: "Doesn't matter, as long as it fits a camel"

[kevjohn]

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.

He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves.

As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron.

[kevjohn]

A woman loses both ears in an accident.

A plastic surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can.

The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she returns to the surgeon's office to have the bandages removed

and the stitches taken out.

After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well, and she seems pleased with his work.

The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage.

"You know what you did?" she screams. "You gave me men's ears."

"Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear. What is wrong? Can't you hear?"

"I hear everything," she says. "The problem is I do not understand anything I am told."

[kevjohn]

Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk',
worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers....and the cat can't get at it.

He got an A.

[kevjohn]

There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

As they sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.

He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.

He asked them "who is the most obedient?"

Five sets of eyes looked up at him.

Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"

One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father.

"You win!" exclaimed the child.

[jbrain]

What's the difference between a terrorist and a mother in law.

With a terrorist you can still negotiate.

[wpcoe]

I see where Rihanna is having the man who broke into her house arrested. When this blows over, she'll probably make him a key.

[TomTao]

What really happen to Bourke and Wills.

Before the beginning of Bourke and Wills ill fated trek across Australia plans had to be made, a route planned, every contingency allowed for and crew recruited. As part of the recruiting process many candidates were interviewed and eliminated from the list before the members for the expedition were selected, the one person who had a great responsibility was Mr <deleted> from China who had much experience in the outback, his responsibility was to meet the expedition at the boab tree with food and water so the trek could be completed. The day the expedition departed to begin the trek Bourke pulled Mr <deleted> aside and said "make sure you meet us at the rendezvous with the supplies on time, its very important!", to which Mr <deleted> replied "no plobrem boss, I meet you with supplies". After months of arduous trekking across the rugged and unforgiving Australian interior, having lost most of the expeditionary team to the harsh conditions, Bourke and Wills staggered to the rendezvous point to await the supplies. First one day passed, then another, and another, just as the explorers had finally given up, they heard the sound of muffled giggling, "whose there?" Wills called out in a rough whisper, still the sound persisted, after a short time Bourke summoned the last of his strenght and started to climb to his feet unsteadily just as Mr <deleted> jumped out from behind the tree crying out at the top of his voice "supplies".

[kevjohn]

A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours.

A neighbor called his owner and asked what was happening.

The owner said, “Well, I had him fixed today, and he’s going around canceling all his engagements.”

[kevjohn]

Wong Chow calls into work and says, “I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Wong Chow, I really need

you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. “I do what you say

and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

[Ron19]

A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'Naw naw love', he replies, I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

''What's so special about it?'

The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'

The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Ach, the bloody thing's an hour fast!'

[Ron19]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:



My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good
mood as he served us food and drinks..

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary
plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this
well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman
hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear
me over those big brute engines but I asked you
to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen,
so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

[Ron19]

[Judo Chop]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm and says

" Can I have a beer please, oh and one for the road".

AND

What do you call 2 dozen nuns in a shop?

"Virgin Megastore"

Edited March 19, 2013 by Judo Chop

[laislica]

Can you name the song, just by looking at the picture?

You'll

kick

yourself!!

Think

harder!!!!!

MOONRIVER!!!!!



Hey, don't blame me...



I'm just sending this to those whose sense of humour I believe to be as warped as mine....

Sorry, but you are in that group.

[laislica]

If Westerners are Ferang, are Easterners Ferengi?

(BTW I don't think you can beat #48)
(I think that Klingon could be adapted for Black peoples?)

The Rules of Acquisition, in the fictional Star Trek universe, are a set of guidelines intended to ensure the profitability of businesses owned by members of the ultra-capitalist alien race known as Ferengi.

However, it seems that these “Rules” would seem to apply rather well to peoples of the East.

What do you think, dare I post this as a new post?

1. Once you have their money, you never give it back.

2. The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.

3. Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.

4. "A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen."

5. If you can't break a contract, bend it.

6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.

7. Keep your ears open.

8. Small print leads to large risk.

9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.

10. Greed is eternal.

11. Latinum isn't the only thing that shines.

12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.

13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.

14. Anything stolen is pure profit.

15. Acting stupid is often smart.

16. A deal is a deal...until a better one comes along.

17. A contract is a contract is a contract...but only between Ferengi.

18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.

19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.

20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.

21. Never place friendship above profit.


22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.


23. Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money.

24. Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.

25. You can't make a deal if you're dead.

26. The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it.

27. There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.

28. Morality is always defined by those in power.

29. When someone says "It's not the money", they're lying!

30. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.

31. Never insult a Ferengi's mother. Quote: Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother!

32. Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.

33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.

34. War is good for business.

35. Peace is good for business.

36. Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore.

37. You can always buy back a lost reputation.

38. Free advertising is cheap.

39. Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers.

40. She can touch your lobes, but never your latinum.

41. Profit is its own reward.

42. Only negotiate when you are certain to profit.

43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.

44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.

45. Expand or die. (reportedly this rule was given to the Ferengi by the Breen)

46. Labour camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person.

47. Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.

48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife

49. Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent.

50. Never bluff a Klingon.

51. Never admit a mistake if there's someone else to blame.

52. Never ask when you can take.

53. Sell first; ask questions later.

54. Never buy anything you can't sell.

57. Good customers are as rare as latinum—treasure them.

58. There is no substitute for success.

59. Free advice is seldom cheap.

60. Keep your lies consistent.

62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.


65. Win or lose, there's always Hupyrian beetle snuff.

69. When she discusses money for "favors", charge her what she'll pay.

74. Knowledge equals profit.

75. Home is where the heart is...but the stars are made of latinum.

76. Every once in a while, declare peace....it confuses the hell out of your enemies.

77. If you break it, I'll charge you for it.


79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.

82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.

85. Never let the competition know what you're thinking.

89. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.

94. Females and finances don't mix.

97. Enough...is never enough.

98. Every man has his price.

99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.

102. Nature decays, but latinum is/lasts forever.

103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity.

104. Faith moves mountains...of inventory.

106. There is no honor in poverty.

109. Dignity and an empty sack...is worth the sack.

111. Treat people in your debt like family...exploit them.

112. Never have sex with the boss's sister.

113. Always have sex with the boss.

121. Everything is for sale, even friendship.

123. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.

125. You can't make a deal if you're dead.

139. Wives serve, brothers inherit.

141. Only fools pay retail.

144. There's nothing wrong with charity...as long as it winds up in your pocket.

162. Even in the worst of times, someone makes a profit.

168. Whisper your way to success.

173) A man is only worth the sum of his possessions.

177. Know your enemies...but do business with them always.

181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.

189. Let others keep their reputation...you keep their latinum.

190. Hear all, trust nothing.

192. Never cheat a Klingon...unless you can get away with it.

194. It's always good business to know your customers before they walk in the door.

202. The justification for profit is profit.

203. New customers are like razor-toothed greeworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.

208. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.

211. Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don't hesitate to step on them.

214. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.

217. You can't free a fish from water.

218. Always know what you're buying.

223. Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.

229. Latinum lasts longer than lust.

236. You can't buy fate.

239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.

242. More is good...all is better.

255. A wife is a luxury...a smart accountant a necessity.

261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.

263. Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.

266. When in doubt, lie.

284. Deep down, everyone's a Ferengi.

285. No good deed ever goes unpunished.

286. When Morn leaves, it's all over.

299. Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them.
That way, it's easier to exploit them the next time.

In addition to the Rules, Ferengi recognize five Stages of Acquisition:

1. Infatuation: An unreasoning love or attraction … "I want it."

2. Justification: Moral excuse used to explain … "I must have it!"

3. Appropriation: To take to one's self in exclusion of others … "IT'S MINE AT LAST!"

4. Obsession: A compulsive or irrational preoccupation … "My Precious!"

5. Resale:The action of selling something previously bought … "Make me an offer."