Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

[Ron19]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" ... "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."

[Robby nz]

Went swimming this morning and got into strife.

Almost at the stage of giving up when I was dragged out by the balls.

Cant thank Mr and Mrs Ball enough

[Robby nz]

I hear Chalerm almost drowned the other night.

Seems he fell of a boat close to a lighthouse.

Took them over an hour to get him out

Would have been rescued quicker if he hadn't been swimming round in circles trying to stay in the spttlight.

[laislica]

My favorite sex position is the dog at war.

shes on all fours so i can still play call of duty at the same time

[laislica]

The wife and I split up because we were in different places in our relationship....I was at her sister's

[laislica]

My girlfriends name is like a password.

Every time I get it wrong I'm denied access.

[laislica]

So women are better multitasking than men?

That's funny, most women I know can't use an accelerator and a steering wheel at the same time.

[laislica]

I always carry a Picture of my Wife and Kids in my Wallet.

It reminds me of why There is no <deleted> Money in there.

My wife ask for an animal skinned coat for her birthday, so I bought her a donkey jacket

Edited May 19, 2013 by laislica

[laislica]

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...
As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

[laislica]

I do an impersonation of the Welsh bloke at work and I'm, "Funny and a great guy".

I do an impersonation of the Scottish bloke at work and I'm, "Funny and a great guy".

I do an impersonation of the American guy at work and I'm, "Funny and a great guy".

But as soon as I do an impersonation of the Pakistani guy I become a <deleted> racist.

[laislica]

Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home.

Although come to think of it, there might have been a policeman on top of it.

[loong]

The clock finished its lunch but was still hungry

It went back 4 seconds

[loong]

A lorry carrying Welsh cheese has shed its load on the M4.

Travellers are advised to drive Caerphilly

[loong]

When I was a youngster, I couldn't afford a really decent car and so I bought a Skoda

Mind you, I made sure that it had a heated rear window, so my hands were warm when I was pushing it in winter.

When I came to sell it, I had difficulty finding any potential buyers at the price.

A mate suggested a simple way to double its value

"How?" I asked

"Fill it with petrol"

[laislica]

The clock finished its lunch but was still hungry

It went back 4 seconds

You win - get your coat!!!

[loong]

So I used to knock about with a prawn and a crab.

Trouble was that they always wanted to do what they wanted to do and never took my feelings into account.

In the end I had to move on.

It took me a while to realise that They were just 2 shellfish

[loong]

So I joined this group of witches.

First of all I was confused as we just took a bunch of food to the beach and looked at the sea.

When the sea was a bit rough, the witches would say "not tonight"

There were many nights like this.

Then one night the sea was almost calm with just a lot of small ripples.

We all ran naked into the sea, carrying our food and danced around.

When we came out I was amazed to see that the raw food was cooked to perfection and we all ate with relish.

Then I realised that this wasn't a run of the mill group of witches

It was a microwave coven

Edited May 20, 2013 by loong

[loong]

My mate wanted to build an ark

As luck would have it, I Noah guy that can help

[loong]

So I met this old mate in a bar. I hadn't seen him for quite a while. To be honest, I had avoided him as there had been rumours that he was into necrophilia

He introduced me to his girlfriend. Not saying that she was rough, but I thought....

"Where the hell did he dig her up?"

[loong]

Confuscious say "Man that cooks meat and peas in the same pot is unhygienic.

[loong]

What's the difference between nappies (diapers) and politicians?

Nappies need to be changed regularly because they are full of S**t

Politicians need - oh hang on - there is no difference!

[loong]

The midget was kicked out of the nudist colony, he would keep sticking his nose into other people's business!

[loong]

So Cinderella went to the ball

She took some photos

Obviously, this was well before digital photos and she sent her roll of film away to be developed.

Everyday she saw the postman walk by, she would bury her head in her hands and sigh

"one day my prints will come"

[loong]

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple

Finding half a maggot

[Robby nz]

The midget was kicked out of the nudist colony, he would keep sticking his nose into other people's business!

And the basketball player was kicked out for sticking his business into other peoples nose.

[laislica]

There's a big difference when a guy and a girl says

"I went through a box of tissue watching a movie"

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

The pen is a tattoo.