Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[kevjohn]

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asks the first man, "Religion?"

The first man replies, "Episcopalian."

St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

To the second man St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The second man replies "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 14, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

To the third man St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The third man replies, "Baptist."

St. Peter looks down his list and says. "Go to room 21, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The third man then says to St. Peter, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions,

but why must we be quiet when we pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

[kevjohn]

Two small boys, one catholic and one protestant get lost in the woods.

Darkness comes down and they near a monastery.

Upon entering they are asked their faith and tell the head monk their religions.

The catholic lad gets the best of treatment, good food, a good bed near the fireplace.

The protestant lad however gets a bowl of cold gruel and is told to sleep by the draughty door

to keep the cold out of the room.

In the morning the head monk asks the boys how it was.

"I dreamt I was in heaven” said the catholic boy. "It was just wonderful"

"I dreamt that I was in hell “said the protestant boy."

And what was that like?" said the head monk.

"Just like this place, couldn't get near the fire for Catholics"

[laislica]

In memory of a great man. Ronnie RIP

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies.

Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is mat they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. ‘Mist all chucking frighty!!!’ said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in… Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

‘Who’s fust jarted??’ asked the prandsome hince. ‘Blame that fugly ucker over there!!’ said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Now that’s what we call a bucking frilliant tittle lale!

[riceyummm]

[loong]

In memory of a great man. Ronnie RIP

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies.

Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is mat they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. ‘Mist all chucking frighty!!!’ said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in… Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

‘Who’s fust jarted??’ asked the prandsome hince. ‘Blame that fugly ucker over there!!’ said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Now that’s what we call a bucking frilliant tittle lale!

Great, but it is an urban myth attributing it to Ronnie Barker

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

In memory of a great man. Ronnie RIP

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies.

Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is mat they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. ‘Mist all chucking frighty!!!’ said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in… Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

‘Who’s fust jarted??’ asked the prandsome hince. ‘Blame that fugly ucker over there!!’ said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Now that’s what we call a bucking frilliant tittle lale!

Great, but it is an urban myth attributing it to Ronnie Barker

OK, Tell me more.

Was it shown on Brit TV or not?

FUNEMNX?

[bobl]

Great, but it is an urban myth attributing it to Ronnie Barker

OK, Tell me more.

Was it shown on Brit TV or not?

FUNEMNX?

No, it wasn't. That's what "myth" means... :-)

The 'dirty' version was performed by Freddy Starr in his stage act. The (much cleaner) original Rindecella was a song written by Archie Campbell - 1965

(Incidentally, it goes funex, svfx, funem, svfm, okmnx)

Edited September 19, 2013 by bobl

[laislica]

Great, but it is an urban myth attributing it to Ronnie Barker

OK, Tell me more.

Was it shown on Brit TV or not?

FUNEMNX?

No, it wasn't. That's what "myth" means... :-)

The 'dirty' version was performed by Freddy Starr in his stage act. The (much cleaner) original Rindecella was a song written by Archie Campbell - 1965

(Incidentally, it goes funex, svfx, funem, svfm, okmnx)

Tks, I live n learn. Ronnie was one of the greatest and O miss him for sure.

Do you have a link to the Freddy Star version?

[bobl]

Tks, I live n learn. Ronnie was one of the greatest and O miss him for sure.

Do you have a link to the Freddy Star version?

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=rindercella

That's not a direct link, it's youtube's search results for rindercella and there's a couple of (not great recordings) Freddie Starr versions in there - but I post the page of results because there's some other good stuff in there, including Ronnie doing "The Royal Society For Piss Minunciation" sketch.

[loong]

Great, but it is an urban myth attributing it to Ronnie Barker

OK, Tell me more.

Was it shown on Brit TV or not?

FUNEMNX?

I see that you have been answered already

Ronnie Barker was a comic genius and at times he may have pushed the boundaries a bit with some of his risque sketches.

But he would never be that coarse, certainly not on TV.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

1. Australian Telephone Operator:
   
   
   "G'day mate, Helpline here. What's the problem?"
   
   Caller:
   
   "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"
   
   Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"
   
   Caller: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

I employed a new gardener this morning and gave him a list of things to do, when I returned home from work he'd only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Bloody useless, turns out he's just an odd job man.

[laislica]

I got pulled over by the Police last night and ordered to get out of my car by a female Police officer.

"You're staggering," said the officer

."You're not a bad looking <deleted> yourself," I replied.

[laislica]

I was having a great time at the football the other day.Jumping up and down,taking the piss,
shouting,"You're shit and you know you are!"

I'm now banned from attending anymore of my son's Under 7's games.

[laislica]

My wife said to me;
"Men can't multi-task"

Well I managed to grope her tits and slap her arse,both at the same time as pumping her from behind,

whilst all the time thinking about her prettier sister

Now thats gotta be more difficult than patting your head whilst rubbing your tummy !

[laislica]

When we were kids and someone pissed you off

you would jump on your bike,ride down the park and have a fight with them,

nowadays they just delete them off Facebook.

That'll teach them not to <deleted> with you.

[laislica]

Paddy is doing really well on Who Want's to be a Millionaire.He's got £125,000 with three lifelines left.

Chris says,"Ok Paddy,for £250,000 which one of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers? Was it A) Ronnie Biggs Ronnie O'Sullivan C) Ronnie Corbett D) Ronnie Wood. Take your time."

Paddy says,"I'll take the money Chris."

Chris replies,"Are you sure Paddy,you've still got three lifelines left?"

Paddy says,"I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money."

Chris replies,"Ok audience,give Paddy a big round of applause,but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer?"

Paddy says,"I already know the answer Chris."

Chris replies,"You know the answer? You just turned down a quarter of a Million quid,are you mad,are you mental?"

Paddy says,"I may be <deleted> Mental Chris,but I'm no <deleted> grass!"

[laislica]

When The Hulk goes into a vicious rage and destroys everything,he's "Incredible."

But when I do it,I'm an Alcoholic.

[laislica]

Sometimes I text while I'm driving.

I know it's dangerous,but I do stupid things when I'm pissed.

I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said

,"Can you have my kids for me? I'll be no longer than a few minutes,I promise."

"Sure," she replied.

"Great," I said."Get your knickers off then."

According to 'The Hobbit',Gollum was once a normal man.
The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring,which drained him of youth,vitality,and energy.

I got one of those when I was married.

I stopped to look at one of those maps in the Town Centre.
It said 'You are here'.

And I thought, "How the <deleted> does it know so quickly?"

[laislica]

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams.

A girl I know just sent me this last week. It's really moving and is a true story...

Many years ago I came a close 2nd in the Miss Brazil 1965 competition.

Later that year I emigrated and was beset by a long period of bad luck.
I suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders.

I lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident.

Later, I suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack.

Several of my teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a bitch fight outside a Chicken Cottage.

The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But I never stopped believing.

And then finally last week I was crowned Miss liverpool fc 2013

Edited September 24, 2013 by laislica