Pakistani man in London for a few weeks goes to the doc feeling dizzy, sick, generally down. Doctor tells him to get a one week old dead chicken, put it in a bucket, then pee in the bucket for two days, cover it and leave for two days, then put his head over the bucket with a towel and breath in the vapours. Come back in a week.

He went back to the doc's feeling great and wanted to know what had been wrong with him.......

"Homesick" said the doc.

I can understand why why they're sick and tired of this dog.

A Saudi boy goes to the international school. At end of the first day he proudly tells his father he came top in maths, and asks why. His father says "because you are a Saudi Male son."

Second day the son tells his father again he was top of the class in spelling, why is that Dad, "because you are a Saudi male son".

third day he comes home and tells his dad he saved a goal at sports time. But the boy looked confused, his father asked him what was wrong, and the boy said that after football they had a shower and all the other boys had small peckers, yet his was bigger, with hair around it, he says to his father "is that because I am a Saudi male, dad?"

No son, says his father, it is because you are seventeen, and they are all six.

Q: What's a vice admiral's vice?

A: A rear admiral's rear!

In keeping with the "Fattening of Thailand thread"...

How do you know if your Girlfriend is too fat?

When she sits on your face, you can't hear the stereo!

Why are women's feet smaller than men's?

So they can reach the kitchen sink.

Why are kitchen appliances white?

so the brides dress matches....

p.s. my wife is not reading this!!

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of Heart
Disease.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in
a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Judy remarried, and this time. She & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the
Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s bad temper.
The Doctor asks: What’s the problem?
The woman says: Doctor, I don’t know what to do.

Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.
The Doctor says: I have a cure for that.

When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn,
The woman says: Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it,

I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!

How does a glass of water do that?

The Doctor says:

The water itself does nothing.

It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…..

Nobody texts faster

than a pissed off female!

Nobody texts faster

than a pissed off female!

Forgive me if links are verboten, but this is damn funny anyway!

I was taking some paperbacks to a charity shop last week and as I passed a greengrocers, the owner asked if I'd like to swap some for anything in his shop. That was a turnip for the books.

Tom and Mark had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices the beautiful lady sitting in the corner.

Tom says to the other, "jeez, i'd really like to dance with that girl."

Mark replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So Tom approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the lady says, "i'm sorry. right now i'm contemplating on matrimony, and i'd rather sit than dance."

So Tom humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.

"She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the old barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years

but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The old barber replied "You'd just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does

After having their 11th child, a Newcastle couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to steal one so the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Geordie said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused
and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Sunderland and anywhere in Wales

I witnessed an accident on my way home: a lorry for a wig company, jackknifed and turned on its side. There were wigs everywhere,....police are still combing the area!

A truckload of Viagra was stolen over the weekend...

Police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals!

What's the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?

A slut sleeps with anyone, a Bitch sleeps with anyone but YOU!

Q. What's the difference between an Oral and a Rectal thermometer?

A. The taste!

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart,

but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

A fat bird walks by a pet shop and a parrot shouts "oi u" she says "what?", the parrot shouts "yer a fat ugly slag"

she storms away raging, the next day it happens again so she goes in and tells the owner if it happens again shes telling the police,

so the next morning she swaggers by and the parrot shouts "oi you" she says "what?"

the parrot shouts "you fookin know what"

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next
season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her
and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want
her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls
the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's
rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the
vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The
farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the
neighbor's kid out by their barn.
"Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by
with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"
The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this
morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her arse.

I saw this at Hong Kong Airport yesterday, potty training by demonstration rather than explanation.......I guess.

I saw this at Hong Kong Airport yesterday, potty training by demonstration rather than explanation.......I guess.

DSCN0736.JPG

Must have been a Russian contractor from Sochi!!

Or a man with two &@$#'s!

What do you call a gay nun?

A transister.

Q. What kind of meat do priests eat on Fridays?

A. Nun.

How do we know women were designed by a Civil Engineer?

Who else would run a sewer line so close to a playground!

A man walked into a pub and started harassing people. He talked to them in an arrogant way and disrespected them in every possible way. Then after a while everybody left except one man. He was older than the bully and was just staring at him. He noticed it and walked up to the old man: what are you staring at? The old man replied: several years ago i was arrested for having sex with a buffalo. And it just occurred to me that maybe, you are my son.