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Posted
Bouncers to learn how to fix your face after breaking it


All new door staff must learn how to repair the entirely unnecessary damage they cause to your face when

ejecting you from the premises they look after, under new rules which come into force today.


The mandatory training follows a series of high-profile ass-kickings,

in which every bouncer has laid into to everyone they’ve ever thrown out, ever.


The move is seen as a positive by most club goers, with 26 year-old Rob Davies explaining,

“Nothing prepares me for a good night out like a 30 second staring competition with a man whose neck is wider than my waist.”


“I suppose implementing rules that make a bouncer pick up pieces of your face might make them pause for thought

before they spread your nose all over the pavement in the first place.”


“But I suppose it comes down to whether anyone witnesses the ejectees ‘fall’, or whether the ‘unfortunate accident’ was only seen by the door staff.”


Proportional response


However the Security Industry Association have claimed that the new rules are completely inappropriate for their members,

for whom anything more than a forearm smash might be considered ‘poofy’.


A spokesman told us, “You can’t expect a doorman to patch-up someone he’s just forcibly ejected –

because you’d basically be asking them to undo what they just did, which is ridiculous.

It would be like asking a Nurse to beat up a patient they’d just fixed.”


“If you make bouncers part-time first aiders we will lose some of the most enthusiastic doormen around,

and that will make a for a poorer bar experience for everyone, but particularly the man on the door.”


“Most of our members only take these relatively poorly-paid jobs because it gives them a chance to vent much of the

sexual frustration and mid-level psychosis which as been brought on by years of steroid abuse.

Take that away, and they might just stay at home growling into a mirror.”


Posted
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is this morning considering the removal of the section on ‘fixing Iraq’ from his curriculum vitae.


As Iraq descended closer to civil war, Blair had been repeatedly telling himself and those close to him

that the country was still a better place than when he invaded.


However as Islamists took control of Iraq’s second city, Mosul, Blair was left wondering if perhaps

he should update his CV to focus more on the after dinner speaking stuff he tends to do these days.


Blair told reporters during the interview, “You know, I count the invasion of Iraq as one of my greatest triumphs,

but I can sort of see why anyone opening a newspaper today might think the time, expense and loss of life involved in that action might not have been worthwhile.”


“To the untrained eye it looks like we jumped into a situation we didn’t fully understand, and created a vacuum

when we left into which extremism would inevitably climb.”


“But that’s to the untrained eye, obviously.”


“No, I don’t feel guilty – that’s the joy of being a Catholic, I can go into a wooden box and tell an old man in a dress about

the decision to invade Iraq, and I never have to feel guilty about it ever again.”


Blair to update résumé

Reporters in the room said that Blair’s CV might be in need of more than a ‘minor edit’.

As one explained, “I’ve seen his CV, and it’s the biggest work of fiction since the dossier that took us into Iraq in the first place.”


Posted

A deaf man steals the daily take from a mobster bookie joint; a tremendous amount of cash. The mobsters catch him, but the deaf man has already hidden the money and the mobsters can’t communicate with the man, so they get someone that knows sign language.

The interpreter asks the deaf man where the money is hidden and the man refuses to admit where he has stashed the money. The mobsters that lost the loot smack the deaf man around and the interpreter asks again and again the man refuses to state where the money is.

Finally the mobsters have had enough and pull a pistol and threaten to shoot the deaf man unless he tells them where the money is hidden and even though they will lose the money the deaf man won’t be able to spend it and he will be dead. However, if he tells them where the money is they will let him go. The interpreter explains the situation and the imminent danger to the man’s life. Finally the deaf man admits he has hidden the money in his fireplace. The interpreter asks the deaf man who else know about the stash, the deaf man signs no one else knows. The interpreter asks if again if anyone else knows about the hidden money and the deaf man swears no one else knows where the cash is hidden. So the interpreter turns to the mobster and says “he said you don’t have the guts to shoot him.”

  • Like 2
Posted

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
  • Like 2
Posted

A bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vet because the dog seems a bit under the weather.

The vet says " Let me just lift him up here and I'll give him a full examination."

A few minutes later the vet says " Your dog has fleas. I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down"

"Put him down just for a case of fleas?" cries the distraught owner.

"No" replies the vet, "He's getting heavy"

  • Like 1
Posted

Once there were two twins, Lloyd and John Grant.

John was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that Lloyd"s wife died.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw John and mistook him for Lloyd.

"I"m sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I"m sort of glad to be rid of her.

She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning.

Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.

She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time.

I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.

The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

  • Like 1
Posted
Apparently the most sensuous way to arouse a man is by licking his ear.

Personally I think it's nuts.

  • Like 2
Posted
When are eyes not eyes? When the wind makes them water.





What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?

His nose!




If I’m standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the east is on my left hand,

what’s on my right hand?

Fingers!

Posted

In an ESL course the teacher asked

"If I tell you that I am beautiful, what tense am I using?"

Student replied "Well it obviouily MUT be part tente"

  • Like 1
Posted

Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his drunken stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

  • Like 2
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