It's Silent Treatment Time (again!)

[WeeGB]

Just been over to the sister in laws house. They have a six month old baby, who is teething at the moment, and is very irritable, because of this. I gave him his bottle of milk, burped him, then gave him a teething ring and rocked him to sleep, all of which took about twenty minutes. They've been trying to get him to sleep since early morning, unsuccessfully. I did lots of smiling, and completely ignored my wife, (which was noticed by my mother in law), then strolled back home. It's quite good fun, at the moment.

[neverdie]

OP, The silent treatment is Great. I use to worry about it when it happened but now I cherrish those times, you can learn to enjoy it too. I'm also stuck in the middle of nowhere, but always find things to do.

My suggestion to you, when your getting the silent treatment, head out and do something different. Go for a ride on the bike and take in the sites of the countryside. Announce to her that you are heading out for a 'ride' then leave with no fuss. Go enjoy the sunshine and the breeze, even if you are peddling a Honda Wave, who cares. Truthfully, if you seem to be enjoying those silent times, you will leave her baffled & they will probably happen alot less.

Its all good, ahh the silent treatment ->>>>> NO PROBLEM

[noahvail]

Just been over to the sister in laws house. They have a six month old baby, who is teething at the moment, and is very irritable, because of this. I gave him his bottle of milk, burped him, then gave him a teething ring and rocked him to sleep, all of which took about twenty minutes. They've been trying to get him to sleep since early morning, unsuccessfully. I did lots of smiling, and completely ignored my wife, (which was noticed by my mother in law), then strolled back home. It's quite good fun, at the moment.

and then? And Then? Enquiring minds want to know...the next chapter of this story

[jackr]

Next time your wife takes a moody, than pack all your troubles in your old kit bag, go and stay at a nice hotel for a night or two. Grab some of the talent available, eat good food, have a few drinks and hel_l to everyone else.

You shouldn't put up with this. I suggest you dump her immediately and see how long it takes for her to come to her senses, if she doesn't then you have lost nothing.

This might come across as being a little harsh but I don't believe we should put up with any irrational behaviour from women.

I like it, but perhaps give her a chance by walking away and make like it doesn't affect you, then return the silence for twice as long and cut off the money. When she comes to her senses tell her you won't have it and she'll have to buck up. She'll probably eventually grow out of it but if not and it really gets on your tits, then perhaps it's time to knock it on the head. Be sure to sell any houses/cars first while you're both in happy mode if you go down this road and then give her the biggest silent treatment of all

[imaneggspurt]

We have the opposite situation. I'm the one who pouts and refuses to speak. I think that's why my wife is happy and well adjusted. She speaks her mind and gets it off her chest. After she speaks her piece, she goes back to her normal smiling self. I DON'T.

Thats funny Gary, me too, my wife does the same as yours and thats why our relationships work, 2 wrongs definatly dont make a right,I used to sulk as a child, ( still do a bit , schhh )

[longstebe]

To the OP, running around to your in-laws house looking sad IMHO is a little pathetic.

Pack most of your stuff in a bag and leave. Any money she will be on the phone in minutes.

Stick to your guns though. Leave for a few days. She will be hurting, big time.

Tell her you need time to think. Then its in your hands if you want to go back.

Good luck matey!

[sanook2me]

You think its cute and funny and I think its a living nightmare. Living with a person you cant even communicate with. You chose this life, why complain?

Ever got anything nice or constructive to say?

deflate an ego to inflate your own ego

[eek]

Wow..some of the suggestions about how to make her stop, seems to me would cause deeper resentment. If a man told his woman he was going off with another girl (or even hinted it) for a night or whatever, and his gf/wife responded in a way he liked (loving, or "snapping out of the mood", etc), I highly doubt that she feels the same way inside. If thats the way some men deal with problems (basically emotional blackmail) im hardly surprised about some of the horror stories ive heard and read about that Thai woman have done to men (not that i think its right, but i can see why it may happen if a woman is constantly emotionally abused). I do think (most) woman would eventually crack with treatment like that.

Silent treatment does seem to the way upset is handled here, rather than out and out discussion or arguement (not that im an expert of course, but I notice that its something my bf will also do occasionally. I also find if im upset about something, being quiet and not talking to him until i can think it through - which also in itself expresses my upset in a non-confrontational way- is much better than ranting and raving.). Punishing a Thai woman harshly (such as threatening to go off with someone else) when she is only handling an issue in a way she was brought up to do (rather than having a discussion/argument) just seems cruel. Of course, if it happens a lot, thats different. But, if its occasional silent treatments then I dont see why you cant just get on with your own thing until she has worked through her anger/upset in her own time. Is a few days of "lack of comfort" so terrible a burden to bare? I guess it depends on how much you love and respect your wife.

Personally, if a bf told me he was going to spend the night with another woman, i would kick his sorry ass out of my life. Thankfully, im financially independent in that i would not tolerate that from a man. Of course, if a couple have an open relationship (where the wife can have the option of extra-marital affairs and encounters also), fair enough, if that works for them (more often than not though, the man wouldnt want his gf/wife to do what he doesnt mind doing). Relationships have their ups and downs and personally I think there should be an element of trust and security (emotionally..not just finacially). Emotional blackmail and mind games seems to me to be a sad path to walk down. But, hey, up to you.

The problem I have with all of these 'that'll show 'em' kind of techniques is that ultimately they force you to go down to the same childish level. I think you should say clearly that you don't like being treated that way, that you won't accept it, and that the other person and you need to communicate about any problems (again, if it's not the cooling off period after a fight or something like that). Then after a reasonable length of time to give the other person a chance to change their mind, you have to get on with your own life and not give in to being blackmailed or tormented.

[ThaiBasil]

I don't see the problem, when I argue with my wife I always tell her to shut up and am pretty happy when the silence follows ....

[Jungian]

When my wife is upset she is quiet in general because she will cry if she speaks. This is a normal defense mechanism and not a "Thai" thing it is just how some people deal with stress or anger. If a person goes days without speaking then it is a personality flaw or a ploy to get their own way (temper tantrum). The first thing you need to do is assess the situation and find out what did and does trigger this response. In many cases with international marriages the language barrier is the leading cause of most problems the second leading cause is cultural differences.

[Lopburi99]

Nobody is perfect. If that is your biggest problem with her, you are lucky. But if it is one of many, you may need to think about what changes may need to be made. Most of us are all too old to live lives which are not content, reasonably satisfying and pleasant. Insist on living a happy life, and be willing and have the guts to make any changes necessary to assure that.

Edited June 29, 2009 by Lopburi99

[GarryP]

This used to really wind me up but now it doesn't bother me at all. I just go on as normal and when my wife realizes its having no effect its back to the jabber. No threats, no arguments (usually I have absolutely no idea what started the silent treatment), no nothing. Funnily, a few times I did not know I was being given the silent treatment, I just thought we were getting on well.

[LadyHeather]

The references people use when talking about their wives in this thread are very telling. "jabber'? shut up?

It seems to me that many men here have a distinct lack of respect for their wives. Most women are well aware of their husband's attitudes, so perhaps that may be part of the reason for her behavior as well.

[longstebe]

Looks like the men haters have finally come out to play.

Why should the OP take the sh!t silent treatment on a regular basis.

Where is the 'respect' there?

[eek]

Looks like the men haters have finally come out to play.

Why should the OP take the sh!t silent treatment on a regular basis.

Where is the 'respect' there?

--

I'm currently getting the silent treatment from the Thai missus. This is day one. I get this every few months, usually over nothing at all. Is this common in Thailand, or is it just my misfortune to be married to someone who can't seem to have an argument, but always chooses this method to get her point across? What do others do when they get this treatment? Unfortunately, I'm way up north, with no nightlife, or chance of alternative "comfort", , so I guess for now, I'll be spending a lot of time on the internet. And there's always the dogs to talk to, usually get more sense out of them than her anyway.

The OP said he gets it every few months, not on a regular basis. Of course, if he was getting some bad treatment on a regular basis, it is unacceptable. A relationship partnership shouldnt be always uncomfortable or antagonistic. ...At the same time, it is a little hard to feel overly sympathic really when the OP is saying he is in an area where its hard to find alternative "comfort". As that statement does make one wonder how he treats her. Maybe her occasional silent treatment isnt really over nothing..

Anyway..I personally dont see any men haters on this thread...or particularly on this forum. Pretty good considering the amount of men who continually talk down about women on TV be it Thai women, western women, or just all women (well...its normal, as it has a high percentage of male members, and some men are just that way inclined here). For the most part I think the female members of this forum pretty much leave the men to it. I think you are being a tad too sensitive to some rather mild observations.

I would also think the OP might like to read a female perspective on it...and yes, it does seem that some of the men here do have a lack of respect for women/their gfs/wives in the way they write.. are you honestly disputing that? Nvm..i think no clarification is needed..and dont wish to make a debate of it (particularly dont wish to encourage any male-v-female hostility on this forum).

Edited June 29, 2009 by eek

[spysee]

I wish I got the silent treatment. When my wife gets angry, she always tells me whats on her mind

I don't know how anyone wouldn't rather the silent treatment then her just rambling in your ear for a few minutes

[longstebe]

--

I'm currently getting the silent treatment from the Thai missus. This is day one. I get this every few months, usually over nothing at all. Is this common in Thailand, or is it just my misfortune to be married to someone who can't seem to have an argument, but always chooses this method to get her point across? What do others do when they get this treatment? Unfortunately, I'm way up north, with no nightlife, or chance of alternative "comfort", , so I guess for now, I'll be spending a lot of time on the internet. And there's always the dogs to talk to, usually get more sense out of them than her anyway.

The OP said he gets it every few months, not on a regular basis. Of course, if he was getting some bad treatment on a regular basis, it is unacceptable. A relationship partnership shouldnt be always uncomfortable or antagonistic. ...At the same time, it is a little hard to feel overly sympathic really when the OP is saying he is in an area where its hard to find alternative "comfort". As that statement does make one wonder how he treats her. Maybe her occasional silent treatment isnt really over nothing..

Anyway..I personally dont see any men haters on this thread...or particularly on this forum. Pretty good considering the amount of men who continually talk down about women on TV be it Thai women, western women, or just all women (well...its normal, as it has a high percentage of male members, and some men are just that way inclined here). For the most part I think the female members of this forum pretty much leave the men to it. I think you are being a tad too sensitive to some rather mild observations.

I would also think the OP might like to read a female perspective on it...and yes, it does seem that some of the men here do have a lack of respect for women/their gfs/wives in the way they write.. are you honestly disputing that? Nvm..i think no clarification is needed..and dont wish to make a debate of it (particularly dont wish to encourage any male-v-female hostility on this forum).

I think we are on day 2 now.

What is 'on a regular basis' to you?

[Minke]

Eek, has made a good point. There is a big difference between how a Thai person and (for example: Me) a Westerner deal with the little bickerings that occur in relationships. And I think a good take-home point from that post is to be careful with escalating the issue vs. nipping a behavior you simply can't live with in the bud. Being a moody non-communicative sulker without giving any indication of what offense perpetrated it is really hard to deal with. I may be generalizing too much but I think that Westerners and in my case Americans tend to hash it out on the spot, agree to disagree, or make a concession and resolve it and move on while Thais retreat and sulk and 'get over it' on their own terms and move on. Two opposite strategies. It makes me consider that my tactic is a bit unfair but I believe and hope it's an appropriate-sized tool for the job. I think threatening to go out and cheat on someone for a petty bickering event is a little heavy handed if the lady/man takes it as a promise and not just a empty threat to make a point. My reasoning (right or wrong) is to just give them a spur in the ribs to get him back to talking again so there are two sides of the story for both of us. It's super unnerving when he just goes into torpor instead of telling me what the frig is going on. And all of the rules and methods from my past Western relationships are useless with this situation (the 'hey man, you're pissed off, what's going on?' direct confrontation of the problem).

Tough stuff. Even the tactic I used could be too heavy handed. I still am not 100% solid on how hurtful losing face in front of your guy friends in this situation. But then again, it's easy to be philosophical about it here. It's not so easy to be the bigger person or the smarter player to get things back on track when you feel like you're being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated. Shit, and it may not have been about emotional blackmail either... it might have been him sorting it out himself and doing it in a way he thought was less hurtful. maI Koaw JAI kah. We aren't in Kansas anymore.

BTW I think this is a great thread for those of us doing the cross-cultures love thing. I am really enjoying the responses. This site has been pretty informative and I am glad I found it.

[JohnGotti]

I'm currently getting the silent treatment from the Thai missus. This is day one. I get this every few months, usually over nothing at all. Is this common in Thailand, or is it just my misfortune to be married to someone who can't seem to have an argument, but always chooses this method to get her point across? What do others do when they get this treatment? Unfortunately, I'm way up north, with no nightlife, or chance of alternative "comfort", , so I guess for now, I'll be spending a lot of time on the internet. And there's always the dogs to talk to, usually get more sense out of them than her anyway.

get a blog.

[Tokay]

I simply won't put up with that. The first time my TG pulled the silent treatment, I told her to pack her bags and put her out. She sat in the street crying saying she was sorry and that she loved me. I let her sit and cry for about 20 minutes before walking out and calming telling her that she can't act that way to me again, or next time she will be on the next bus home. I then explained how if she wanted to act like a child, I would treat her like one.

She never did it again and now we have learned to talk through any issues we have. Now, any issues we have are dealt with quickly via communication.

[Latindancer]

The problem I have with all of these 'that'll show 'em' kind of techniques is that ultimately they force you to go down to the same childish level. I think you should say clearly that you don't like being treated that way, that you won't accept it, and that the other person and you need to communicate about any problems (again, if it's not the cooling off period after a fight or something like that). Then after a reasonable length of time to give the other person a chance to change their mind, you have to get on with your own life and not give in to being blackmailed or tormented.

I agree with the above post. A balanced response is best, for you as well. Playing mind games, whatever they are, is unbalanced. If you play games, even if you are not reacting, it is the same as reacting. You yourself have become unbalanced and are now on the same childish level. The thing to do is to not get pulled off balance in the first place, then to wait a little for them to cool off. Be compassionate. They are human and may have been genuinely upset. Then try to discuss it rationally and CLEARLY. Then try again, if unsuccessful.

I learnt a lot from observing Taiwanese people with their children. People there really have a mature way of dealing with their kids. And as this is childish behaviour, don't be the same. Be mature and compassionate, if possible. She will respect you later.

Edited June 29, 2009 by Latindancer

[Roadman]

I simply won't put up with that. The first time my TG pulled the silent treatment, I told her to pack her bags and put her out. She sat in the street crying saying she was sorry and that she loved me. I let her sit and cry for about 20 minutes before walking out and calming telling her that she can't act that way to me again, or next time she will be on the next bus home. I then explained how if she wanted to act like a child, I would treat her like one.

She never did it again and now we have learned to talk through any issues we have. Now, any issues we have are dealt with quickly via communication.

Dead right.

The OP needs to decide what he wants a baby pouting or a woman.

Did the same thing with my wife when she first arrived here. About two months in had a stupid disagreement with her over sweet all. And out came the silent treatment. At my age and experience of it in the past was not putting up with that crap and least of all from a supposed mature, intelligent, university educated and university employed woman. Put up with about four hours of it, asked her one last time if she was prepared to talk about it...silence...so dragged out her bags and started tipping her clothes and stuff into them.

"What you doing?" Told her straight act like an adult or her ass was on the next plane I could book back to Thailand. That was the one and only time we have ever needed to have a sort out. Four years on of extremely happy marriage we both laugh about it now.

[WeeGB]

I followed never die’s advice, and went for a very long walk, I can’t ride a motorbike, due to balance problems after an accident when I was working. Came back to …..silence.

Jackr’s suggestion of cutting off the money wouldn’t really work, my wife gets the housekeeping money, and 3000 Baht a month for anything she wants to buy, but that’s not due until mid-July. She doesn’t spend a lot on herself, has had credit cards for ten years and never used them, so it’s a non-starter really.

Longstebe’s idea is good in theory, except I’ve got way too much stuff here to pack in one go, if I did decide to make it a permanent move out. I also don’t have a mobile phone!

Eek – nice to get a feminine perspective on this, I tend to agree with letting it work itself out. Although I talked about seeking comfort elsewhere, that doesn’t mean I’d actually do it. I’ve been married twice, for 22 years, and now 10, and have never cheated on either of them, or in any other shorter time relationship I’ve had either. Probably like most other people, male & female, I’ve had opportunities over the years, but have never taken them. Talking and doing are different things.

Lopburi 99, this is probably the biggest problem with her, I just thought I’d post a topic, and see how the rest of Thaivisa folks handle this kind of thing. Hopefully, it’s proved to be interesting to quite a few people.

Eek again, I think I treat my wife very well, and seemingly so does everyone else in her family. Maybe I’m too nice – if that’s possible.

Minke, glad you’re enjoying the thread, hopefully it’s helping to break down a few cross-cultural barriers. Incidentally my sister in law also does the silent thing to her husband (Thai), from time to time, and he just gets on with his life until it stops.

Being a westerner myself (UK), I prefer the ding-dong battle, no holds barred, then head for the bedroom scenario.

Tokay, Latindancer & Roadman, Couldn’t really do this, would upset her family, who all live around us, and they’d lose undeserved face with the rest of the village. Her family have always been good to me, they don’t deserve to be made to look bad in front of others. Plus I think I would lose all the respect I have from them.

I can see this working in other countries, but not in her own village.

[desi]

Absolutely brilliant.

[eek]

WeeGB..sorry if i sounded a bit cynical. Sadly Thaivisa does at times bring out the cynic in me.

I have a couple of long shot questions.. is there nothing you can think of that caused the silent treatment to happen? Maybe it was a combination of small things? Or you forgot something important..? Is it possible she also has pms?

I DO agree that the silent treatment is a killer, and a tough one, but it does seem to often be the response to upset here. Initially when i started dating my bf, i was shocked the first time he gave me the silent treatment. I had thought this was something kids do, not adults. We did have some discussion about it after he came out of it, and said that we both needed reflection time, and he was too angry to talk to me. It does still happen from time to time, and I still dont like it, but i realise that its better than being shouted at.

When i realised that this was his way of dealing with issues, I at first tried different ways of handling it. At first i would try to coax him into talking, which, when he didnt respond, only made me resentful. I then tried to out silence treatment him, in that when he finally came around, i gave him the silent treatment back. Effective-ish..but absolute hel_l and quite ridiculous. Ive personally found that what seems to work best is a combination of things. 1st I give him his space..time to stew/mull over/etc..usually the rest of the day if its something that really got under his skin. If he seems like hes still in a mood the next day, i leave it until the late afternoon/eve and i offer some nice suggestions of things we can do..small talk etc. If hes still in a grump, ill leave him for about a half an hour and then attack him! ...Dont worry I mean attack as in i grab something like a cushion or sit on him or tickle him..etc..anything that provokes a response. Usually by that time he cracks and laughs. If not, i just tell him fine, sulk and be unhappy as long as you want, but im off to do something fun. Then i do just that. I go out and dont let him interfere with my thoughts and do some things i enjoy doing. Talk to friends, or go see a movie, have a massage, etc. I havent had him gone past that point. It once went to four days, but thankfully the silent treatment isnt very often. Im not sure if my combination would work on a woman though, as this is how I handle it on a man.

I think if you have a really good relationship that is fun and enjoyable, then the silent treatment can really hurt a lot. Being deprived of everyday things like general banter, comfort, support, hugs....etc..is horrible. But, all i can say is that if the good outweighs the bad, then it may just be one of those things you have to accept? If nothing else works, but you are happy with her, then during that time, do things you enjoy and let her stew it out her system.

Of course, again, if it happens a lot and for days on end, then yes that a big problem.

Hope you find a good way of either solving it or handling it.

Good luck.

Edited June 29, 2009 by eek

[Datsun240Z]

Big question is: Do Thai woman also do this to ther Thai men? Or only against a Foreinger men? Which may conclude back to the problem of cultural misunderstanding.

Oh boy, if the Thai womans keep going with this, we farangs might end up having our own community, we guys are just to good.

[Datsun240Z]

I think there should be an element of trust and security (emotionally..not just finacially)

To bad Thais neverder heard of the values foreigners have, in their eyes mostly, sorry to say, no money, no honey. In my country we think, if true love, money doesn't mean anything. It seems it does in Thailand.

[Datsun240Z]

It seems to me that many men here have a distinct lack of respect for their wives.

They do have very well respect, but men have their limits at some point . Don't forget a man's thinking is totally different of a woman. While some men tend to sit in the evening at the veranda with a beer, some low music on, and just be easy, maybe his wife just want to go to the disco?, or she is the really talking type who can't stand for it. My parents for instance ( Dutch ), my dad is 7 years olders than my mom, yet my mom is very busy, active, always doing something, my dad really is not that type, and can't stand for it. Result: alot of fighting.

[jackdanielsesq]

Looking thru the list above, I take it ya didnt make Walking St?!

Although a tad over the top, plus ya hold the control-reins, it does get them to thinking a little more coherently.

The asstrich head-in-the-sand routine is very immature, tough to break, and dont solve nothing.

Often times we simply tolerate extremely hurtful situations because we are afraid to be assertive. Dont.

Although I am not a control freak, if she dont follow you, ya lost nothing. Sooner is way better than later.

BR>Jack

[eek]

I think there should be an element of trust and security (emotionally..not just finacially)

To bad Thais neverder heard of the values foreigners have, in their eyes mostly, sorry to say, no money, no honey. In my country we think, if true love, money doesn't mean anything. It seems it does in Thailand.

I disagree that this is purely a western value. I think it depends on each person, their background, and what they want out of a relationship. Of course, you are welcome to your opinion.