To Tell Or Not To Tell

[ozsamurai]

We were at a wedding over the weekend, a nice chap we know from Singapore who had a rough trot with his last wife. He thinks he has found a gem and I hope he has for his second marriage. At the ceremony in the morning, TGF gets talking to the brother, and noticing 'she has a farang too', he starts to tell her how its important to get as much as you can out of them, family is more important and you never know when they are going to take off etc..

So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech? Or leave it be? He is not a rich guy, just regular Army, slogging away. It's a worry....

Oz

[Bisto]

Mind your own business.

[submaniac]

I cannot see anything good happening as a result of you telling him about it. If he's in love, he will not believe what you or anybody has to say.

[endure]

Depends on the bride. My situation is slightly different in that I'm gay and have had a BF for the past 16 years. When we first kicked off his family thought they had a prize worth milking. The BF has, over the past 16 years, kicked the sh*t out of any of the family who thought they were more important to him than me. Mum and Dad are ace, greedy brothers have lumps

[zzaa09]

Mind your own business.

Yep. Interfering creates to much complexity. Just allow it to be.

[sanook2me]

So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech!

Oz

blood sucking leech or survival? its a close thing like love and hate......

Sounds like a very low class sort of thing to say or something half in jest and serious as it can have an impact on the families life. Not a lot in it really.

If one of my sisters were to marry a millionaire i would probably say a similar thing..

"Sis get what you can and i'll have a new porsche please! hey, remember nudge nudge wink wink family first!"

You have nothing to tell in my opinion and only risk losing a friend....

[Birdman]

No, that is entirely their business and the groom will or will not handle that anyway.

BTW what was the name of the Bangkok Post Miss giving advices like that?

[ozsamurai]

Thanks for all the comments, I had already decided to basically advise the TGF not to say anything, but was looking for an experienced view on a potentially Thai cultural aspect to this. I don't know the guy that well, but she considers him as one of her best friends, and it is worrying her since she had seen him hurt before. I was not privy to the conversation, but she was a little taken aback at brother in laws attitude, no, it wasn't a flippant remark taken out of context, it was a lengthy conversation, TGF is not an airhead. Thanks all

Oz

[caf]

Thanks for all the comments, I had already decided to basically advise the TGF not to say anything, but was looking for an experienced view on a potentially Thai cultural aspect to this. I don't know the guy that well, but she considers him as one of her best friends, and it is worrying her since she had seen him hurt before. I was not privy to the conversation, but she was a little taken aback at brother in laws attitude, no, it wasn't a flippant remark taken out of context, it was a lengthy conversation, TGF is not an airhead. Thanks all

Oz

Be discrete, do it in private but yes tell him what you have heard. Keep it factual. Say you tell him as a friend should. But only once - then drop it.

If he proceeds then that's up to him. But you have done your bit. He'll probably thank you a few years down the line when everything starts clicking into place.

But let's hope either of 2 things

1. It works out ( so your comment was not relevant but did no harm either way)

2. He considers what you say and tehn makes his own decision.

[Bisto]

We were at a wedding over the weekend, a nice chap we know from Singapore who had a rough trot with his last wife. He thinks he has found a gem and I hope he has for his second marriage. At the ceremony in the morning, TGF gets talking to the brother, and noticing 'she has a farang too', he starts to tell her how its important to get as much as you can out of them, family is more important and you never know when they are going to take off etc..

So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech? Or leave it be? He is not a rich guy, just regular Army, slogging away. It's a worry....

Oz

Thanks for all the comments, I had already decided to basically advise the TGF not to say anything, but was looking for an experienced view on a potentially Thai cultural aspect to this. I don't know the guy that well, but she considers him as one of her best friends, and it is worrying her since she had seen him hurt before. I was not privy to the conversation, but she was a little taken aback at brother in laws attitude, no, it wasn't a flippant remark taken out of context, it was a lengthy conversation, TGF is not an airhead. Thanks all

Oz

simple Mind your own business. oh wife ain't an air head =she is Thai, man this is Thailand. Mind your own business.

[tlock]

The responses on the forum are always the same "stay out of it mind your own business" etc. etc. But you know if the circumstances were reversed a thai would have no problem telling someone they barely knew what the farang groom's brother said. It's like they are all one big team and we farang's are a bunch of individuals. Hard to win at those odds...

It doesn't have to be a big deal, you don't gotta tell him what to think about the brother. It doesn't mean his girl is following her brother's advice. But you tell him over a beer "hey, FYI her brother said this to my girl. Just thought you'd want to know". I'd hate to see her brother buddying up to the guy like they're best friends, knowing the farang is being played for a fool.

[IanForbes]

I agree with tlock, I'd be discrete, but I would let the guy know what my girlfriend heard. I wouldn't make a bit to do about it though. Thais do stick together against farangs and family usually is closer than marriage vows.

[Bisto]

The responses on the forum are always the same "stay out of it mind your own business" etc. etc. But you know if the circumstances were reversed a thai would have no problem telling someone they barely knew what the farang groom's brother said. It's like they are all one big team and we farang's are a bunch of individuals. Hard to win at those odds...

It doesn't have to be a big deal, you don't gotta tell him what to think about the brother. It doesn't mean his girl is following her brother's advice. But you tell him over a beer "hey, FYI her brother said this to my girl. Just thought you'd want to know". I'd hate to see her brother buddying up to the guy like they're best friends, knowing the farang is being played for a fool.

I agree with tlock, I'd be discrete, but I would let the guy know what my girlfriend heard. I wouldn't make a bit to do about it though. Thais do stick together against farangs and family usually is closer than marriage vows.

Hey Farang this is Thailand not what you want it to be, wake up get socioculturally educated live in the real world of Thai ethical not your bullshit Farang realism.

[scottyd]

If it is you or your girlfriends best friend I would let him know that the brother is a <deleted>, but that does not necessarily mean that his girlfriend is the same way. However if you don't really know the guy that well, leave it be.

Edited August 4, 2009 by scottyd

[sanook2me]

to get as much as you can out of them, family is more important and you never know when they are going to take off etc..

The more i read this the more normal it sounds to me....

[givenall]

No, that is entirely their business and the groom will or will not handle that anyway.

BTW what was the name of the Bangkok Post Miss giving advices like that?

I would warn the friend about some of these leaches without being specific. And tell him some are there to suck you dry and they will slowly.

I don’t care if is greed or survival. Neither are good excuses to cheat farang or Thai. Everyone needs to stop making excuses for bad behaviors anywhere

[dale8]

Hello, you can talk with your friend about this situation in general unspecific terms as this situation will sometimes happen in Thailand or any other country. Tell him what characteristics to look for, and give him a chance to think about it if he were in that position. He is your friend, and I would hope someone would warn me this way too. Cheers.

[robblok]

to get as much as you can out of them, family is more important and you never know when they are going to take off etc..

The more i read this the more normal it sounds to me....

I think you have been here too long.

I would have told the guy for sure, but i would be discrete about it and just tell him. The hel_l with Thai ethics living in a country does not mean you have to give up your own moral code.

[kyb789]

Thanks for all the comments, I had already decided to basically advise the TGF not to say anything, but was looking for an experienced view on a potentially Thai cultural aspect to this. I don't know the guy that well, but she considers him as one of her best friends, and it is worrying her since she had seen him hurt before. I was not privy to the conversation, but she was a little taken aback at brother in laws attitude, no, it wasn't a flippant remark taken out of context, it was a lengthy conversation, TGF is not an airhead. Thanks all

Oz

I would tell everyone. No shame. Fight fire with fire. If they are good people and good family, you have nothing to worry about. They will side with you. If they are corrupt, let the incident expose themselves. Many foreigner's are afraid to rock the boat and thus walk on eggshells. Do you understand how much the Thai's gossip about us? Do you understand there are no secrets about YOU in their world? Why should you be any different just to maintain an illusion of happiness? That is not happiness to me and I wouldn't live in a world of double standards.

I've met many good Thai families that would not tolerate this kind of talk from the borther-in-law. Why should you? Oh, how I love the "Thai culture" excuse for letting dishonest people scam the foreigners.

[scottyd]

Oh, how I love the "Thai culture" excuse for letting dishonest people scam the foreigners.

I like that as well, i also like the "This is Thailand" excuse too, it's a classic.

It is like saying you can't punish a Murderer/thief/rapist because that's what they do.

Edited August 4, 2009 by scottyd

[Harcourt]

.......

If one of my sisters were to marry a millionaire i would probably say a similar thing..

"Sis get what you can and i'll have a new porsche please! hey, remember nudge nudge wink wink family first!"

You have nothing to tell in my opinion and only risk losing a friend....

Make mine an M5 Beemer.

Although it wouldn't hurt to point him in the direction of TV, "for all the multiple points of view on Thai-farang relationships"

[ozsamurai]

Thank you Bistro for your comments, its people like you I love to see disappear from the boards daily. There is no advise in opinionated bluster.

I think the dilemma lies in the simple fact that I would love to have a heads up from a friend if I was in the same situation, at least I could then make up my own mind as to how the deal was to go from then on, informed of all the facts, not just half the story.

I agree that its a cop out to lay this all on the TIT Syndrome, but it would not be me having the beer with the guy, it is TGF and him (Singaporean/Chinese), she asked me for advise, and as I am of two minds, thought I would gauge a forum response.

Oz

[caf]

I agree with tlock, I'd be discrete, but I would let the guy know what my girlfriend heard. I wouldn't make a bit to do about it though. Thais do stick together against farangs and family usually is closer than marriage vows.

exactly what i said , ian and tlock.

tlock put it very well.

[jubby]

If he's not completely Dillusional he should know that this sort of thing isn't uncommon. I tend to keep my mouth shut because it never ceases to amaze me. If he's a good friend and likely to listen then tell him discretely otherwise no.

[Tod Daniels]

I must also weigh in on the "tell" side of the fence in this all too common issue. However, have your g/f either be very discrete using just the facts as she knows them, OR use vague generalities without naming names. She can relate what to be on the look out for in regards to the plethora of "blood-sucking, leech-like, “worthless as tits on a bull" relatives that can and often times do rise up from the proverbial sewer when there is a mixed marriage and they think they can smell baht for the taking.

I must also concur with the O/P about the seldom witty, always myopic poster; Bistro and the ever insightful post like this one:

Hey Farang this is Thailand not what you want it to be, wake up get socioculturally educated live in the real world of Thai ethical not your bullshit Farang realism.

He sure has a vocabulary of big words. Unfortunately punctuation must not be his strong suit. Leaving out the small yet important symbols (which FYI look like these; . , ? !) makes for a hard slog reading and often times leads to marginal understandability. At least the posts are of the oh-so predictable TIT rhetoric and dogma.

As was mentioned by other posters the thais gossip about everything, everyone, and to a much higher degree. Were something like this overheard by a thai talking about another thai (instead of a foreigner), it'd be all over the village in literally hours if not minutes. There would be no vague innuendos about this person, or that person, the person in question would be named over and over as the story spread like wild fire.

Here’s a Breaking News Bulletin: it doesn't always hafta be “the thai-way or the high-way”, questioning things does not make you a stupid person; however in my experience anyone who dumbs themselves down to the point where they accept "all things thai" without question, makes you very stupid indeed.

Have your g/f tell him, but only once, he's certainly adult enough to either take it to heart, or discount it out of hand.

[caf]

to get as much as you can out of them, family is more important and you never know when they are going to take off etc..

The more i read this the more normal it sounds to me....

I think you have been here too long.

I would have told the guy for sure, but i would be discrete about it and just tell him. The hel_l with Thai ethics living in a country does not mean you have to give up your own moral code.

There are many here that seem to have lost any sense of morals. Many are thai apologosts

[barky]

At first I thought, What's it to you? why bother doing anything, especially if it could come back to haunt you.

But , then I think maybe it might depend on your friendship levels with the groom, or on whether you just want to "do the right thing" by him.

It's a bit difficult, but it would be a decent thing to do to tell him what's going on in the family he is marrying into and what some really think about him (typical of many Thais really, but that's by the by) .

Can you find a way to give him the information without any problems coming back to you. Like, can you send him an anonymous letter or something?

[pattaya_girl]

I would not get involved, because if you do, you may end up falling out with all of them, and chances are he knows already... Just wait to see what the relationship is like in a couple of Years when the Honeymoon is over.

[scottyd]

I don't know if my idea of a friend is different from everybody elses on here, but I would tell my mate if someone was backstabbing him, or vice-versa. Friends are supposed to look out for one another, or have I got the whole friendship thing twisted?

[IanForbes]

I agree with tlock, I'd be discrete, but I would let the guy know what my girlfriend heard. I wouldn't make a bit to do about it though. Thais do stick together against farangs and family usually is closer than marriage vows.

Hey Farang this is Thailand not what you want it to be, wake up get socioculturally educated live in the real world of Thai ethical not your bullshit Farang realism.

And you sir, I would HATE to have as a friend watching my back. You sound like you could be the brother in law. I know all about the Thai way. And, I also know about so called friends who screw their best friend's wife. I'm well versed in the realism of the world.