Thai Wife Is Unbearable To Live With Sometimes

[dondraper]

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Edited August 13, 2009 by dondraper

[dmax]

I am stunned at some of the vicious, uncaring, comments being posted on this thread.

Let us start from the beginning. A Thai woman, probably not very well educated, and with who knows what traumas in her background, (and it sounds like she has some mental health problems) - is living in Northern Ireland. Far from family, friends, and everything familiar in her life. I suppose there are less suitable places in the world for a Thai to live, but not many.

Why on earth do western men think that women from countries like Thailand are automatically going to adjust to living in places like this?

I agree with the earlier poster about the possibility of PND. Just because she has had one or more children earlier, without experiencing PND, certainly does not mean she is not suffering from PND now. But it certainly sounds as though she has some significant emotional or mental health problems.

You both need help. She needs a huge amount of support and certainly needs to learn to speak English properly, and how to adjust to living in a very, very foreign country.

The attitudes of some of the posters here reminds me of the people who buy a dog or other pet at Christmas, and then decide a couple of months later that it is just too much trouble - so they give the poor animal to the SPCA or whatever, where it has a really good chance of being destroyed.

maybe u should take a little time my friend to read my replies and my post...she is in a strange country yes but she has many many thai friends,,like over 30 friends,,,in 2 yrs she has put 7 grand over to her family and she now has 9 grand uk in her bank account....i worked as a scaffolder and my wage was £ 300 take home per week..i was made redundant in feb this year so im by no means rich,,i do have a nest egg from the sale of a previous house....i have tried to give her everything in this life,,she gets 2 holidays a yr to thailand or spain at a cost of thousands,,we are due to go back to thailand in oct for 3 months allready tickets insurance etc has cost me 1,800 pounds and spending money for 3 mths is going to be around 4 grand..i was going to build her a home too in her fathers land in khon kaen but there is not a chance i hel_l of that happening now,,so really she is stupid because if she didnt behave like this then she could of got a 1 million baht home from me ,,so its not the money she is after and i know that for a fact....as i have allready said,,its the temper and the child like tantrums and silent treatment....thats it...she is good with baby and i couldnt ask for better ,,,but do i take this nasty vile temper and abusive treatment all my life for the sake of my kid,,what kid of man walks out on his daughter,,not me ,i simply cannot do that....it would kill me literally

[dmax]

....

Without realizing, your wife might be suffering from a Postnatal Depression which can be a very serious threat to your marriage and to her, your, and babies' health.

You need to seek help, fast! Talk to your local house doctor to start with. Don't even try to "cure" this yourself or wait for this problem to fade away! It won't, without help.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfof...depression.aspx

Wish you well!

LaoPo

thats well and good mate and i understand what ur saying,,,but we live in belfast and our doctor wouldnt know how to cope with that,,i mean i dont want to have to get a translater involved ....also she was like this before the baby so honestly do not think its post natal........its just her temper and her attitude,the silent treatment.....i love her off course but im stickin to my guns this time

Let's run this down from an outsider looking in.

Your wife is living in a different country, she has issues with the language, probably the culture, probably the food, probably the climate, and she had a baby four months ago...

You state she was like this before the baby, was she like this before she moved to your country? when in Thailand was she like this? I doubt it, otherwise why marry a woman like that.

You have to put your self in her shoes, and try to help her cope.... Yet from your post you can't even be bothered to "get a translator involved"... Why the hel_l not? The whole mentality of "sticking to my guns, putting my foot down" can make you march blindly down the wrong path.

In this new country does your wife have friends that she can talk with? Does she have work? Does she like the food? Does she like your family? Does your family visit the baby often and help? There are so many things she is going through, you should put every effort to help her find her own life in your country. Putting your effort to helping her, is an investment in your happyness, if shes happy you are happy.

Or you could "stick to your guns" and blindly walk down the road that more than likely leads to a divorce.

hey read the post!!!!!! she has everything here,,food ,,she loves it,,money ,she has more than any of my friends have in the bank ,,,friends ,,she has more than me,,,she maybe spoilt...have u ever thought of that before jumping in too fast...as i say its allways me who apologises...no more

[Will27]

Shees, I thought that this kind of thinking was extinct, but still some Neanderthals exist so it seems.

Gee, that's insighful Carib.

By the way, your avatar suits

you.

It's a pussy right?

Will

[Carib]

Shees, I thought that this kind of thinking was extinct, but still some Neanderthals exist so it seems.

Gee, that's insighful Carib.

By the way, your avatar suits

you.

It's a pussy right?

Will

How easy some things prove themselves...sigh..

[Geekfreaklover]

A lot of Thai people become uncomfortable when they are taken away from their home country. Historically Thais have never travelled well. I know some that have settled in the west but the thought of going back to their home country is always in their mind. Sad but true.

[Will27]

Shees, I thought that this kind of thinking was extinct, but still some Neanderthals exist so it seems.

Gee, that's insighful Carib.

By the way, your avatar suits

you.

It's a pussy right?

Will

How easy some things prove themselves...sigh..

Oh don't stop Carib, my sides are splitting...........sigh........

[Will27]

A lot of Thai people become uncomfortable when they are taken away from their home country. Historically Thais have never travelled well. I know some that have settled in the west but the thought of going back to their home country is always in their mind. Sad but true.

That may be true.

I think a lot of it depends on the weather of the country also.

A lot of Thai's hate the cold.

The majority of the ones I know in Australia love it there

and have told me they'd prefer to stay.

Regards

Will

[dmax]

dmax. Just a quick thought, you say the monks come over from Oxford soon and I assume you and your wife will be off to see them. Maybe a quiet word to an older monk who can then maybe have a chat with the wife? BTW, I'm from just down the road, Carrick. Good luck

hi mate good to see you here,,,thanks for the advice....

[rixalex]

maybe u should take a little time my friend to read my replies and my post...she is in a strange country yes but she has many many thai friends,,like over 30 friends,,,in 2 yrs she has put 7 grand over to her family and she now has 9 grand uk in her bank account....i worked as a scaffolder and my wage was £ 300 take home per week..i was made redundant in feb this year so im by no means rich,,i do have a nest egg from the sale of a previous house....i have tried to give her everything in this life,,she gets 2 holidays a yr to thailand or spain at a cost of thousands,,we are due to go back to thailand in oct for 3 months allready tickets insurance etc has cost me 1,800 pounds and spending money for 3 mths is going to be around 4 grand..i was going to build her a home too in her fathers land in khon kaen but there is not a chance i hel_l of that happening now,,so really she is stupid because if she didnt behave like this then she could of got a 1 million baht home from me ,,so its not the money she is after and i know that for a fact....as i have allready said,,its the temper and the child like tantrums and silent treatment....thats it...she is good with baby and i couldnt ask for better ,,,but do i take this nasty vile temper and abusive treatment all my life for the sake of my kid,,what kid of man walks out on his daughter,,not me ,i simply cannot do that....it would kill me literally

I stand by what i said before. She's a selfish bitch. You've given her a wonderful life and been the sort of husband that many women here in Thailand only dream of. Don't buy into her crap or the crap of posters here who are trying to look for excuses for her behaviour, or even make you out to be the guilty party. It's nonsense.

Time to cut your losses and start afresh mate. Plenty of women here who would love to meet a guy like you and who wouldn't treat you with contempt, but with the same love and respect you have offered to this monster.

[dmax]

i think ive heard enough guys and want to thank all of u for ur replies,,,no need for any of u to fall out over some posts,,,,,,,,,,it may blow over but then again i may be waiting a while lol...i think we can bring this to a close now...THANKS AGAIN GUYS !!!!!!

[saintofsilence]

i was just starting have fun

Sorry not closed

[Scalawag]

"To be understood, first seek to understand" - Steven Covey

[thesunset75]

Is it good idea that she should go school and learning English ?

Then she will have more friends and sharring life style there. More social life, when she have her own friends she will be more confidence to do thing on her own.

I met Thai woman here she been living here for 4 years home or go out only with her husband. She just start going to school last month to learn Dutch.

Problems is...its difficult to start a leson progress, she dont even know how to use computer.

You can help her teaching english. Talk more about socialize, watch tv together, listening more English song.

I hope you 2 go and do grocerry together, teach her what and how to do, what those things call.

You 2 should make a social group together when she feel more comfortable then she can do alone with kid.

Well, that what I can think of now.

Good luck and best wish to you and your family.

And how aboutb learning Thai and learning her culture

Learning Thai language and culture is much more difficult than to learn English (in my case, im not good in Thai culture either ).

My x-husband and present bf now they both dont know any Thai words, dont even think about culture.

Its more to me to learn thier languages and adjust to them.

I also have an emotional problems, too sensitive and temper....all I want is attention love and care ( yeah toomuch for a man he' ?).

[maccaroni man]

"To be understood, first seek to understand" - Steven Covey

I've read this entire thread and what i am not seeing is anyone telling the OP that he has created this monster. The Op has stated that in the start of their relationship, if she pulled the silent treatment on him he could not stand the pressure and would beg her to talk. She won and has continued to win ever since then.

I have been told that the thai way of disrespecting others is to ignore them; this means you have no worth or value to them. It is typically the behavior between two fighting people. Years ago the silent treatment pushed my buttons but I never gave in because i knew i was being worked, after awhile i began enjoying the peace and quiet and would carry on one way conversations with my wife; Hi honey, i had a great day today. You look so beautiful when you are silent etc..... so after some 13 yrs she still gives me the silent treatment but it is all on her, the kids and i just laugh at her and carry on with our lives.

If the OP wants to stay with this woman and have peace of mind he must stand up to her as he says he is doing but not take it so personal, just relax and enjoy your life with a quiet partner,but at this point I think you need to give here a dose of her own medicine and give her the cold shoulder, dont look at, talk to or acknowledge her presence in the room. remember he who speaks first loses.

[pattaya_girl]

Cure for stubborness - Stop running after her !!! She is loving it. Every time you run after her and beg her, its like feeding her more amunition.

I know its not the same, but similar, when i was a teenager (just a few years ago) wink wink. I had this friend at school, and she kept falling out with me for no reason.

I use to cry all day and beg her to make friends with me, begging her on my knees........

One day I decided enough was enough, so when she fell out with me, i said OK, up to you.

The tables turned around then, and she turned into a completely different person. She never fell out with me again, I felt I really taught her a lesson.

Start as you mean to go on, crack on your not bothered and I bet you, she will think you have gone off her and this might make her change her ways, (if she still loves you that is)

Good luck.

[ArranP]

Once she gets her ILR visa, or you seperate (and notify the VISA people 0870 606 7766 you have seperated ) which ever is sooner , then she is entitled to public funds ie housing benefit, council tax benefit and income support as a single mum. You'll probably have to contribute about £55 or £60 per week for the child (or the equiv in euros)

She can continue to rent your place but you will have to get the rent agreement in her name only.

Then you can continue seeing each other maybe when it pleases you on a "trial seperation basis" no pressure.... you got you own houses to go back to.

If all else fails, you can divorce on grounds of "unreasonble behaviour" or "two-year sepration with consent" with your spouses agreement, google "diy divorce" or something like that, its not expensive.

I'm in a similar position, my wife punches me, bites me, throws furniture and bottles at me, screams, trys to contact thai fellas, but doesn't want to leave me. I really don't know how she expects us to live like this. We have a beautiful daughter. I've had enough moved out and currently living in our caravan, haven't spoken with her in days and don't really want to, happy enough as I am.

Edited August 13, 2009 by ArranP

[thesunset75]

Once she gets her ILR visa, or you seperate (and notify the VISA people 0870 606 7766 you have seperated ) which ever is sooner , then she is entitled to public funds ie housing benefit, council tax benefit and income support as a single mum. You'll probably have to contribute about £55 or £60 per week for the child (or the equiv in euros)

She can continue to rent your place but you will have to get the rent agreement in her name only.

Then you can continue seeing each other maybe when it pleases you on a "trial seperation basis" no pressure.... you got you own houses to go back to.

If all else fails, you can divorce on grounds of "unreasonble behaviour" or "two-year sepration with consent" with your spouses agreement, google "diy divorce" or something like that, its not expensive.

I'm in a similar position, my wife punches me, bites me, throws furniture and bottles at me, screams, trys to contact thai fellas, but doesn't want to leave me. I really don't know how she expects us to live like this. We have a beautiful daughter. I've had enough moved out and currently living in our caravan, haven't spoken with her in days and don't really want to, happy enough as I am.

so sad

[Arkady]

Bar girls and other simple village folk in Thailand have this image of life in the West as being something wonderful. Farangs are all wealthy and farang men are responsible family men who don't dump their wives and children to run after a new piece of skirt like working class Thai men do. Once they have been dumped, they can't find another Thai husband and are forced to work at whatever they can do to look after their children and parents, younger siblings etc etc. Those who work in tourist bars come to see marrying a farang as way out of all their troubles. They will go and live in Farangland, be rich and send an endless stream of remittances home and build the biggest house in the village. Some may genuinely fall in love with a farang man but the marriage is more normally seen as a filal obligation and a sacrifice for family than than something to do with romantic love, a luxurious notion they can no longer afford after being dumped with small children by a Thai husband. That is not to say they have abandoned the notion entirely. Some are great actresses and may live for many years abroad saving money to go back to Thailand to live with a Thai man they have kept in touch with, probably pretending he is an older brother.

For most of them going to live in Farangland with a husband of convenience turns out to be a fairly miserable experience. They find out that most farangs are not rich. The wheather is often unbearable. The food is disgusting. There are no street restaurants serving their favourite snacks for a pittance a few yards from the font door. They miss their children, parents brothers, sisters and Thai husband or boyfriend. They have very little education and their English is poor. Most have poor learning skills and short attention spans and won't learn much, even if they go to school. Having to speak pijin English to one's husband all the time must be an incredibly frustrating and humiliating experience. There are no Thai soap operas on TV. They feel incredibly isolated and lonely, even if they have Thai friends. I learned to speak Thai in my 20s and before I moved to Thailand many years ago I knew quite a few Thais in Europe and went to Thai gatherings. In a relaxed Thai setting many Thai wives spoke very openly in a way that shocked me at first about why they were in Europe locked in loveless marriages.

That is not to say that they can't adapt. Many do and don't even want to move back to Thailand, if they have the chance. These are normally the ones who have better education or those who are obviously intelligent but were denied a decent education back home. Unfortunately most bar girls are not very bright. I think your wife is a recognizable personality type. The pouting and sulkiness is common to most and is something they learn from Thai soap operas. Stubborness to the nth degree and not caring about the consquences of actions is also a common and to a certain extent learned behaviour. Your wife seems to be of the type that takes these traits to a level that is not acceptable in Thai society. Living miserably in Farangland can make this much worse but you say she was already like that in Thailand.

I would say you have to accept responsibility for taking her out of her environment into one that is rather hostile for some one of limited education and personal resources for making the most of things. Therefore you have to make allowances. On the other hand, it seems as if you have been doing this fairly well. Most gripes of Thai women married to farangs in Farangland are about money and how their husband don't understand their obligation to send money home. Here again it sounds as if you have been giving her as much as you can afford and she can't reasonably complain on this score. I would agree with posters that say you should first of all treat this as a medical condition. Just showing you care might stir some emotion in her, even if the NHS can't do much for some one they can't communicate with. I also agree with suggestions to try to get her to go to school and increase her opportunities, if this can be done with a small baby, makes sense. In other words make a plan as to how you are going to try to make it work. Set her and yourself time limits and targets. Don't make any unnecessary expenditures. Certainly put the house building project on hold. Think about how you are going to end the marriage, if none of this works after giving it and her a fair shot. Would you try to keep the baby or let her take your child to Thailand where she will be dumped with her grandmother in a village? I think if you have no plan and no time limits, you will go mad and/or there will be a violent incident. One of my friends had to send his ex-beer bar Thai wife (who exhibited similar behavioural traits to yours) home on an extended holiday after she flew into a rage and nearly killed him with a kitchen knife. If you decide the marriage can't be saved, do as posters suggest and send her on a holiday to Thailand without a return ticket. This might limit your possibilities of getting married to some one else in future but might save you from being taken to cleaners in a UK divorce court, as she is less likely to try to come back and fight the case once she is back there. Eventually you might be able to pay her off and get a divorce in Thailand on reasonable terms. Good luck to both of you.

Edited August 13, 2009 by Arkady

[Maizefarmer]

my wife who is thai has a horrible temper and screams in front of our 4 mth old baby daughter,,,i went through something similar with my x wife and dont want arguments in front of the child,,anyway that was saturday morning,,its now wednesay night,,ive tried to talk to her but she wont talk....she is not like a western woman who will sit down and talk our problems through,,instead she gives me the silent treatment and its this i cannot handle anymore,,ive been with her 2 yrs and only for my child i would walk away i think this time....she used to say that when she had problems with thai husband before that he had to leave the home,,well this is my home and i aint leaving it ,,ive nowhere else to go anyway,,,if she would sit and talk we could work it out but she wont and cant look at me,,it was just a silly arguent on sat nothing important like another woman or man or anything,,,im beggining to wonder wot all the fuss is about thai woman making good wives,,shes putting my bloody head away,,she doesnt go out the door to buy food or take baby a walk,,in 2 yrs she has never been out without me taking her in the car..she has no ambition to better herself and no drive for future,,she seems content to sit take care of baby and eat...im at the end of my tether and its just a pity on the baby,i wont walk out on my kid...if she was alone i would ask her to get her own place because she is like another baby,,we dont go to restraunts as her language is not the best so therefore we cannot have good indepth talks...i do all her chores,,opening letters,,taking care of banking etc etc ...it really does get you down when u dont have a woman who can even go post a letter for u when ur at work....she does like cooking and eating as they all do...but even the house is filthy and i clean it as she doesnt do it properly,,is anyone else having these kind of problems with their thai wives and what is my best way of dealing with her...she is good with baby and i want it to work but the silence is pulling me down and making me miserable..it seems to be all the time and even when she has her period once a month.....advice needed on how to deal with thai woman

Its no big deal ... all wives are unbearable at times - I have the same problem, and thats after 20years together. The fact of the matter is you're only human, and you have to learn to deal with each others "imperfections", and get on with life - because they too think we're unbearable at times.

[MiG16]

i think ive heard enough guys and want to thank all of u for ur replies,,,no need for any of u to fall out over some posts,,,,,,,,,,it may blow over but then again i may be waiting a while lol...i think we can bring this to a close now...THANKS AGAIN GUYS !!!!!!

as per the OP's request

all the best to you the wife and the baby

cheers