Nat Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Hey all Curious about the relationship farangs have with their thai partner's children (if they have any ). The reason I ask is that my ex's stepfather is australian and basically their relationship is non-existent. I found this very odd and asked him whether they had a falling out, but this isn't the case. Neither he nor his stepfather make any effort to form a relationship - communication between the two goes no further than a "hello" (which is also rare). This was very weird to me due to my upbringing and family ideals. Curious whether this is normal in farang/thai relationships or is their situation a one off? Nat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Well Nat...this one didn't inspire much excitement. Maybe a personality clash, but I don't think this sort of reaction is the norm by any stretch of the imagination. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nat Posted October 11, 2003 Author Share Posted October 11, 2003 it failed miserably! I'll make it a bit more exciting next time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 I'll watch for it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 well Nat, maybe no one wants to talk about it! too uncomfortable, too close to home? who knows? I can tell you my experiences of seeing thai men with their new wives (thai as well). children from a previous marriage are generally given to grandparents (not always of course, but often enough) or a childless relative. My husband made a comment that most men would not want to raise another man's child. wonder if the thai wives fear this and thus keep their children seperate? don't really know, just some observations anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TizMe Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 Nat, I missed your original post while I was on vacation. I have quite a good relationship with the younger children of one of my girlfriends. With little kids it is easy to form a bond even though there is the language barrier. We play games, the kids sit on my lap etc so its easy to be affectionate with them. I also help them recite words from their english school books. It's a bit more difficult with older children, especially if the language barrier exists. My other GF has an older son at university. Even though we are friendly towards each other, conversation doesn't get much further than Sawadtti Krap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nat Posted October 20, 2003 Author Share Posted October 20, 2003 TizMe - agree that it would be easier with younger children. Guess it's the same in western countries when parents divorce - it's usually harder for step parents when the children are adolescents. sbk - that's really interesting about thai men not wanting to raise another man's child. I do remember my ex actually saying that his aunt raised him in their home village and once old enough left and started working. Maybe his mum assumed her partner felt this way. Well it's food for thought Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedHotChilli Posted November 15, 2003 Share Posted November 15, 2003 Hey there This is my story....... My ex Thai girlfriend, threatened to call the police, when I refused to give her back the motorbike (bought in her name.) So I went one better, you should have seen the look on her face when I turned up the next day with two coppers in tow. Anyway, within 10 minutes they were drawing up a contract as to who would get what, when my nosy neighbour asked what was going to happen to my ex's son. I'm like, what can I do about it, I love that little boy and I'm willing to take care of him BUT i'm scared that when she get's a new boyfriend/girlfriend, she'll take him away from me. THE OUTCOME - Another contract was drawn up, saying that I was to be his guardian until he's finished his schooling......and she signed! So now, he's living with me....If your wondering about the little boy, well he was happy with the decision. He's almost nine and has been living with me for the last 4 years. We are very close and he looks at me like a mum/dad/parent.. whatever you want to call me (He just calls me by my first name) So there you have it, it's been two months now.......we live with my new girlfriend and her two sons (they're 11 and 12) and everything is working out. The kids are great, we have a lot of fun together and the little boys suddenly, got two elder brothers to play/shower/fight/argue with. He gets on with my new girlfriend (actually she's the computer teacher at his school) And that's about it..... I have a ready-made family and do you know something, I wouldn't change it for the world!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Posted November 15, 2003 Share Posted November 15, 2003 RedHotChilli, Thats gotta be the saddest & nicest story I've ever heard, good for you for taking on this little lad, I hope he appriciates it in the future, families are not always biological & it sounds like he had a lucky escape from a nightmare of a mother, unfortunatly some women (with kids) just don't have the maternal gene. I wish your new mixed family all the best for the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TizMe Posted November 15, 2003 Share Posted November 15, 2003 (actually she's the computer teacher at his school) So you really only kept him for his chick pulling power.... Seriously though. Good on yer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 My wifes' youngest son Toto(13) has just got a visa and will be living with us (in Oz) permanently by the end of the month. It has been just us two for the last couple of years so it will require a bit of an adjustment. Toto and I get along fairly well but he speaks no English and my Thai is limited so I am really looking forward to him learning and establishing a Father Son relationship. My Wife tells me that the way Thais view these relationships is that I am not his Stepfather but New Father and he is my Son not Stepson, has anyone else come across this view before? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Hi Bronco, I think a lot of it depends on how important the child is viewed in the mothers eyes (sorry don't flame me for this but read on) My husbands sister had a child with a bit of a bad boy (thai) 10 years ago, she basically dumped the baby with her mum & thats where she's been for the past 10 years, the mother just got on with her life & left & moved to another province, she sends no money to support her child & visits about once every 3 years (3 times in this poor little girls life) she recently remarried with a wealthy thai man & he doesn't even know she has a child, when they went to visit the family home she made everyone swear not to reveal that the child was hers, her mother agreed only on the agreement that she would now provide for her daughters education & upbringing but that she would have no further contact with the child because she got upset & aggitated after her mother visited. The daughter agreed & everyone (inc the child) kept quiet, well, 6 month later, not a single baht has come for the support of her child & her mother (my mum in law) has now basically removed her from the family. My husband calles his sister a bitch (in thai) & refuses even to acknowledge that she exists anymore, he says that she is a "fake mother" who only had her because she was stupid enough to get pregnant. This poor girl now knows that her own mother doesn't want her & my husband & I have taken over the educational support for her. His mum is 62 y/o & lives with her sister who is 70, they take care of this little girl & her 5 y/o old cousin, money is not flowing in this house, so we help out where we can but, if I ever meet his sister, I don't know if I will be able to keep my mouth shut! I have a couple of older thai friends also who's mothers moved abroad with farang husbands & left their children with reletives & promises to send for them when they could but the call never came, so good on your wife for being a good mother & making you realise that her son is an important part of her life & yours & good on you for happily accepting this, I know a lot of guys that dont! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Hi Boo My Wife has 2 sons presently living with the Father, the youngest we have discussed, the older one is a 3rd year law student and it's not an option for him to leave at the moment. She sends him money regularly and pays his uni fees (man are they cheap), and keeps in contact with them, thank god for phonecards. They are both very smart well behaved kids and have their heads screwed on. Toto competed in a maths competion earlier this year and represented his region, Nahkon Phanom in Bkk, so he has real abilty and I hope he makes the most of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Boo, boy do i know that story! my sister-in-law also had a daughter which she abandoned with the husband, who fortunately for the girl, found another wife willing to take the girl on. Even though the daughter lives only a few km away, she has never gone to visit (we're talking 12-13 years now) nor offered any support. needless to say, i don't really get on with my sister-in-law. not for just this, of course, but her whole general attitude that the world owes her something for nothing. (youngest child, mom always wanted a girl, spoiled her rotten, now we all pay for her selfish behavior). very sad. nice to see that there are unselfish people in the world! redhotchilli, you have reaffirmed my faith in people! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 wow sbk, that is soo spooky, my sister in law is the youngest child & only daughter, much wanted. the mother in law had 2 sons & was told she couldn't have anymore children (health problems, she is diabetic) so she adopted the daughter from a very poor family living on the streets, my husband tells me that his sister was given much more than him & his brother & was spoiled rotten, a real princess. Bronco, sounds like you wife is a great women with 2 children to be proud of, it's also good that her ex is reasonable about your wish to take the youngest overseas, I wish you all the best for the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 He comes over on the 28th so it all starts for him. I have never met his father and my wife doesn't communicate with him at all but my guess is he sees it as a good option for Totos' future. He has been extremely cooperative in getting the never ending amount of paperwork required and has even been to Bangkok twice to the Embassy with him so that was great. My Wife can't understand the fact that my ex and I communicate about my youngest son, she gets a bit moody when I get the odd phone call but things here are a lot easier if things can remain ammicable and it's better for the kids. Thats a bit away from the thread but any way I guess it is all relevant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwiz117 Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Let me write some of my thoughts about this as an Asian. I read this thread from the start and it is really amazing how you guys are open enough to accept stepchildren. By coming from a strong family background, I should say that I couldn’t make up my mind to do it. I have not come across with that situation as both of us married for the first time and both of us never had any serious relationship with any partner before. By the way, I am 25 when I first met her and she was 20. [We met from Internet] When reading the replies above, I was thinking; if I were in that situation, what would I do. But sadly, I could not make up my mind to do such a nice thing. It is not that I do not like kids. But I am worried about the future and so many things. It is hard to phrase my feelings about adopting a stepson or adopting any kid. I do not believe that I can develop a Father to Son relationship like the way that you guys have done. It is a very hard thing to do and it needs so much maturity and also so much forgiveness and understanding. Like one said, we Asian Men do not have it. We are narrow minded and even though I realize how stupid the way I think, the society I live prevent me from it. It took me 2 Yrs to convince my parents for me to legally get married to my Thai wife. I took the challenge and came to Thailand for her and then still could not proceed with the Marriage Registration as they were holding my Documents with them to prevent me getting married to her legally. Still I could have done it and I was ready to do it without their Blessings. But my wife, strongly objected to go ahead with the Marriage, as she was so much confidant that she can win my parents hearts and minds and make things good for all our families. I am happy to say that she did it and now we are married. If that was so hard, imagine how the situation will be if my wife had a son from a previous marriage or if she already married to a Thai or even married before once..etc... Unthinkable.. you know. But I do respect and admire all of the guys here who has done such a wonderful thing by accepting the kids of your wife from the previous marriage. It is really great. Wish I could do that like you guys. Best Wishes to all of you.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davidcharles Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Hey thereThis is my story....... My ex Thai girlfriend, threatened to call the police, when I refused to give her back the motorbike (bought in her name.) So I went one better, you should have seen the look on her face when I turned up the next day with two coppers in tow. Anyway, within 10 minutes they were drawing up a contract as to who would get what, when my nosy neighbour asked what was going to happen to my ex's son. I'm like, what can I do about it, I love that little boy and I'm willing to take care of him BUT i'm scared that when she get's a new boyfriend/girlfriend, she'll take him away from me. THE OUTCOME - Another contract was drawn up, saying that I was to be his guardian until he's finished his schooling......and she signed! So now, he's living with me....If your wondering about the little boy, well he was happy with the decision. He's almost nine and has been living with me for the last 4 years. We are very close and he looks at me like a mum/dad/parent.. whatever you want to call me (He just calls me by my first name) So there you have it, it's been two months now.......we live with my new girlfriend and her two sons (they're 11 and 12) and everything is working out. The kids are great, we have a lot of fun together and the little boys suddenly, got two elder brothers to play/shower/fight/argue with. He gets on with my new girlfriend (actually she's the computer teacher at his school) And that's about it..... I have a ready-made family and do you know something, I wouldn't change it for the world!!! Well done RHC! You are obviously a great Dad and a really good hearted Guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedHotChilli Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Davidcharles Posted on Mon 2003-11-17, 16:19:25 Well done RHC! You are obviously a great Dad and a really good hearted Guy. Thanks a lot David,.........but can I ask you a question "Would it make any difference, if I said I was a girl??" Sorry, guys I just realised that I didn't make it very clear in my first post. A TOTALLY UNCONVENTIONAL but HAPPY FAMILY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedHotChilli Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Hmmm...haven't quite got the hang of this quote box thing, have I?? Sorry, i've got the newbie syndrome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chonabot Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 With reference to Kwiz's honestly written post earlier , I believe if your love of your partner is unconditional , then you will accept them and any part of them that happens to be a part of their life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfe Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 hi RedHotChilli! welcome to the board, interesting story, I wish you all the best with your newly extended family!! Also looking forward to more input from your slightly different point of view. chokdee kaah elfe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfe Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 I guess it might be easier being part of a couple of the same gender to take on the partner's child/children, than replace in a way the original father/mother or trying to make it better then they did. The pressure of having to prove yourself in that aspect and feelilings like jealousy might not be the same. Maybe I'm totally wrong, I have no idea. what do you think about that? And how does the society around you see your family constellation? Is it different in Thailand than elsewhere? sorry if I'm to curious and excuse my bad English chokdee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedHotChilli Posted November 22, 2003 Share Posted November 22, 2003 Hi Elfe, Sorry, for not replying earlier - what with the board being down and all that! O.K so a little more about me….. I did spend a month sleeping at my gf's house (I just couldn’t live with the ex anymore) Now, there are 17 members of her family who are also living there………..and they all welcomed me with open arms. There was never an issue that I was a girl. Call me naïve, but I went into the relationship not expecting any problems…Maybe, it’s because in the 4 years I’ve been here, I’ve never experienced any prejudices towards my sexuality OR maybe I’ve just been lucky! However, when I’ve been out in Khao San road with my girlfriends. (At separate times, of course!!!) I’ve experienced the small minded farangs……you know, like the farang who’s making blow job faces, or the guys who try to come on to my gf, or the dirty looks that people give us as we’re strolling down the road. Oh yeah and I did go to Nana once, for a couple of beers with a gay (guy) friend and a straight guy…………again some very unfriendly looking faces…but that was probably jealousy, because I had more girls coming on to me than they did (LOL) By the way, after living with my gf for a month in her house, we then moved into an apartment for 5 months…..just the two of us (We used this time, to get to know each other and to make sure this was what we both wanted) We then moved into a house with her 2 kids, two months ago (Oh yeah, not forgetting my ex-girlfriends son as well!!!) Her two kids were I guess, a bit surprised about the fact that their English teacher was seeing their mum (remember she’s a computer teacher at the same school)…but I got a nice shock when my gf told me that the eldest had said “she’s great, she’s just like a dad to me.” Apparently she was just as shocked as I was, the fact that they had accepted me so easily….because before whenever guys would phone up, they’d pick up the mobile, tell them their mum’s out and don’t bother phoning again, coz she’s not interested That's really about all i've got to say... So is that what you were expecting or did you think that there would be more to it than that. What are your views as a Thai? what do other members of the forum think? Until next time.......CIAO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfe Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 hi redhotchilli! good to hear that you did not meet any prejudices against your lifestyle in Thailand, that's what I was very interested in, I guess in Bangkok people are very acceptive and open minded to that (I assume you live in BKK?). In contrary to the western world I find that people here are far more easy going and laissez-faire, at least towards us foreigners - 'up to him/her!' Inside Thai society I'm not sure if it is that easy and accepted, maybe D80, you can give us a little insight in that? Nice how it worked out with your 'step children', I guess it was a big plus that they knew and liked you already as their teacher! and LOL, I can imagine the girls at Nana coming rather to you, had similar experiences there while I stayed in BKK, cannot blame them, if you take a look around at most of the punters... wish you all the best with your new family and these smart kids! elfe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IT Manager Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 Can I just throw in a sixpence worth. I know I'm a bloke and so on, but my wife says if she wasn't around I could pass for a woman because of my attitudes but I am not sure what she means. We took in a street kid about 7 years ago (February coming), and it has made our lives complete. Good luck with yours, as we have had joy beyond counting with ours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bintang Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 Hi , I'm an Australian man who meet my Thai wife(Pen) in Thailand in 1998. My wife was upfront from the start that she had 2 childern for me it was not a problem as if I loved her then they were part of the package. For me there was nohingt to think about. The boys were aged 7 (Bee) & 9 (Ben) At first they were stand offish, but as time went on we got closer and closer. It was a long drawn out process to get them her. And we were told by everyone that it was next to impossible for me to get a thai lady with 2 kids from a previous relationship out her. But being someone that believes anything is possible we tried anyway. And finally on 25 Dec 1999 they arrived in Australia (my Christmas present). My worry then was how they would be accepted in the local school with no real english to make the transition any easier. But to my surprise they fitted very quickly and with in 6 mths spoke better English than their mother. They are 13 (Bee) & 15 (Ben) the younger starting at High School next year where his older brother currently goes. I now look back at the sweet innocent kids they were and long for them to be like that now. But as with any young kids exposed to western life style they are both into Rap music, clothing and play basketball. There intrest in anything Thai other than a holiday is just plain boring. They still occasionlly watch a Thai movie or tv, but as for plucking the white hair from their mums head or under her arms . Well that's only accomplaished by threats or bribes :-). If it was not for them playing Basketball then they'd spend there life playing comptuer games or on the net. Just getting them to go outside for a walk is a major drama. Gone are the days when they used to play chess with a beer carton as the borad and beer tops to play with their grandpa. But then I suppose its the same with any western kid. We have a great realtionship their mum work hard and I'm a shiftworker. So I spend more time with them than their mum. I'm the cook, cleaner and Mr Mum. The washing well that's a teram event down the local laundry mat. The older they get the harder it is to keep the relationship as close as it's been. It's a fine balancing act to be a father and friend, only time will tell. Work mates say you know they will not be there for you in your older year. Your not there real father. I say it does not matter to me, I didn't bring them out here with the thought of them looking after me. I brought them out to offer them a better opportunity in life. There is no guarantee in a real father son relationship it will work out. Good Luck to us all as in the end thats all we have Reagrds Bintang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted December 21, 2003 Share Posted December 21, 2003 It's been about a month and so far so good. Mum is happy Son is happy me happy too. His first xmas approaches, a new experience but will have a lot of fun. Next year will be the thing, he will go to a secondary school for kids with no english skills at all and should be a good for him. He is making some friends with help from some of my friends, one young fella same age and is Thai has lived here 2 years good english and good Thai. as I say so far so good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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