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I Am In Love With A Married Man. I Need To Stop.

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I am new to the forum. I have a problem that can't discuss with anyone. Since this is an anonymous forum, I simply want to express myself. Hope it does not break any forum's rule.

I am in love with a married man. He is my ex-boyfriend (Mr.M). He is in Thailand, married with 2 kids. I am currently in US, divorced with 1 kid. I have a boyfriend (Mr.D). Mr.D and I have seen each other for 4 years. Mr.D knows that I will move back to Thailand in a couple years. We have no plan to get married. We were not that serious. However, I have been true to him and he to me.

Back to Mr.M, he and I were boyfriend-girlfriend in college for about a year (back in '92). The reason we split up……I didn't think that he loved me. He didn't show it, so I walked away. He thought I didn't love him, so he didn't come after me. Both of us were so young and stupid. After splitting up, we still kept in touch. We talked once in a while for 5 years. Sometimes, he called me. Sometime, I called him. We lost track of each other in '98. Then, 2 years ago we talked once when I visited Thailand. Of all these times, we had never opened up how much we missed and loved each other. I had too much pride, I guessed, and so had he.

My problem started around the beginning of July this year when I visited Thailand. Mr.M happened to call my parents' house just 1 week before I arrived. What a timing? I mean he hadn't known I was coming before he called. Anyway, I was in Thailand for only 2 weeks. It started like 2 old friends catching up. We called each other almost everyday. Even when I came back to US, we still talked. Then, one day we had an open-heart-talk. We realized how much we missed each other. He told me he loved me and had never stopped loving me for all these years. I let him know that I felt the same way.

Since then, we were on the phone for about an hour or more every single day (don't worry, we have SIM card for 1baht/min). We also sent each other emails, love songs, etc. It was the happiest time for both of us that we found each other's love again. We have never been this happy for years. My coworker saw the difference in me and teased me that I could just have my own smile for lunch.

Anyway, we will never get back together. Thai culture, people don't get divorce. I will never ask him to do that. So, 2 weeks ago, I tried to break up with him. I could tell from his voice that he cried so much. I did, too. I have been crying everyday since then.

I dig myself a big hole. I need to get out. It's easier trying to forget him when I thought he didn't love me and I didn't know how sad he was (17 years ago). Although I could not stop loving him, I moved on with my life. When I got married (9 years ago), I thought I truly loved my husband. 4 years after, I moved out when I realized I was not happy. I told myself that it was my fault that I didn't love my husband enough to stay.

Now I know why I could not fall in love again. My heart was given to Mr.M long time ago and I have not got it back. If I could not stop loving him for 17 years, how am I going to do now? It is so difficult to walk away when I know he loves me as much. It is so difficult to walk away knowing how much I hurt him. I know I need to….it is just so difficult.

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I would advise having same-sex relationships...much less muss and fuss...slam-bamm thank you guy [or gal in your case] and there's the door. Very little of the sturm and drang of opposite-sex relationships.

If you don't think that's for you, how about celibacy or joining a religious order?

Edited by PattayaBunLover

Assuming this is a genuine post, I'm jumping in! Deepintrouble, plenty of Thai people divorce, it happens all the time here. Where on earth did you get the idea they don't? If Mr M told you that then I'm sorry, but that's just not true. Maybe HE won't get divorced but that's not "Thai culture", that's just him having his cake and eating it too.

Have you actually laid down, clearly, what you expect from a relationship and what steps you need him to take if the relationship was to develop any further? Has he had a chance to lay out his expectations?

Deepintrouble I'm one for following my heart, but only if the other person will meet you halfway. Good luck.

Best advice I can give you? Don't waste your heart, your time and your energy on this guy. Divorce does happen with Thai people, quite regularly in fact. So, other than that lie, I wonder what other ones he is telling you?

It is possible to move on from the love of your life. And it is possible to find another love of your life. But you have to purge yourself of the one that is sapping your life of its joy and allow yourself time to mend and heal and then, you will be ready to meet perhaps the real "right one"

  • Author

Unfortunately to me, it is a genuine post that I have to live with. I don't have enough imagination to make a story up. :)

About Thai people don't get divorce….I should have be more specific. In the certain level of society, the majority still don't. For this group of Thai men, many of them will marry someone to be the mother of their child(ren), not marry the love of their life. Then, they will have Mia Noi for whatever reasons or they will go to a prostitute. It is funny that many Thai women accept Mia Noi idea. You have to admit that the rate of divorce in Thailand is less than in farang-land.

I have been in farang-land for too long to accept the idea of being 2nd to anyone. I have dignity for myself. He didn't ask me to and he will not. He knows that I would hate him if he asks.

Goinghomesoon, at first, I didn't think it was necessary to give him a chance to have any say because I already knew his answer (I knew him too well). However, you are right. I should have asked, so I did. His answer was he would not break up his family. He said he could not hurt his 2 kids. His answer didn't surprise me. It just confirmed my decision. Thanks for telling me to do it. Knowing his answer actually makes me feel better that I am doing the right thing about calling it quits.

sbk, I actually believed that he told the truth about everything. By knowing him for so long, I believed that he would rather hurt himself and me than hurt his kids. He has always been that type of person. I am a fool, right? I call myself "stupid" everyday. :D

You are right that I should not waste my heart on him any more. I am trying to stop loving him. Time will heal me. It is just so hard.

Thank you to both of you for your kind words. It means a lot to me.

Edited by Deepintrouble

I think its the forbidden fruit that has attracted you to this person.

its very bad

  • Author

To PattayaBunLover, funny you suggested same-sex relationships. I actually did, right after we broke up in '93. I was dating a woman for a year. It was not me, though. :) Thank you for suggestion. Religious will be too much for me. I am a sinner.

I think you are dwelling too much in the past and are living in a kind of fantasy world of what could have been.

Your married man has moved on - built a life and a family. You, on the other hand want to go back in time and rebuild what you had with him. It won't happen.

17 years is a long time to love someone who is, basically, unavailable. I hope that you find hapiness in the next 17 years....

I hate being in love - too messy, use too many kleenex, howling to the moon, watching sad movies, and listening to too many sad songs...

which is now why I am a sarcastic, dried up, vindictive old prune!!! (But i still have a sense of humour!!)

Edited by Patsycat

This reminds me of those stories you hear about people meeting up at school reunions and ditching their partners to run off with each other, only for it all to fall apart a few months later.

I think the reason this happens is because these people, or ex high school / college sweethearts, remind us of a time when we were young and carefree. By being with them I think we feel that we can get back to being that person. The reality is that person never existed. We use rose tinted spectacles to look at our past, but generally at the time we were with them, we were experiencing just as much angst and worry as we do now (maybe just with less responsibility).

The fact is you left him for a reason when you were younger, and not just because you were 'too young'. If the relationship was right for you, you would have stayed with it. You left and he let you go. I agree that in certain echallons in Thai society divorce is less common, but still - if you two really have met the love of your lives, there would be no way you could live apart. If you cannot be together then what is the point in torturing yourselves? By not being together, you are getting all the good parts of a relationship and none of the bad (as well as getting off on the thrill of the forbidden). I think it is this that is making it so appealing. If you were to be together, it would mean ending two relationships, working out the logistics of living in two separate countries, to rekindle a romance that has already failed once.

I think you should cut contact with this man and look closely at your own relationship. Maybe something is missing there, and you need to re-evealuate, but you are not going to solve anything by continuing this relationship with M. He is a fantasy not a reality.

To PattayaBunLover, funny you suggested same-sex relationships. I actually did, right after we broke up in '93. I was dating a woman for a year. It was not me, though. :D

Just a suggestion...as it was not for you, I guess you're just stuck with men like the rest of us :)

To PattayaBunLover, funny you suggested same-sex relationships. I actually did, right after we broke up in '93. I was dating a woman for a year. It was not me, though. :D

Just a suggestion...as it was not for you, I guess you're just stuck with men like the rest of us :)

Pattaya Bun Love, you must know that this is the first thing girls think about the very first time they get their heart broken. That and becoming a nun.

To PattayaBunLover, funny you suggested same-sex relationships. I actually did, right after we broke up in '93. I was dating a woman for a year. It was not me, though. :D

Just a suggestion...as it was not for you, I guess you're just stuck with men like the rest of us :)

Pattaya Bun Love, you must know that this is the first thing girls think about the very first time they get their heart broken. That and becoming a nun.

In case you never heard, women break other women's hearts too. It is not only a man's game.

irony a2396. That was irony. :)

Deepintrouble, you have my sympathy.

Deepintrouble, you have my sympathy.

:) Dunno why you sympathise with a pure troll.

with a pure troll.

Does that mean there are Cross-breeds? :)

To PattayaBunLover, funny you suggested same-sex relationships. I actually did, right after we broke up in '93. I was dating a woman for a year. It was not me, though. :D

Just a suggestion...as it was not for you, I guess you're just stuck with men like the rest of us :)

Pattaya Bun Love, you must know that this is the first thing girls think about the very first time they get their heart broken. That and becoming a nun.

In case you never heard, women break other women's hearts too. It is not only a man's game.

dam_n. Nun it is then.

Deepintrouble, you have my sympathy.

:D Dunno why you sympathise with a pure troll.

....so many trolls lately.... :)

LaoPo

with a pure troll.

Does that mean there are Cross-breeds? :)

Now come on guys, It's not often we get a pedigree one is it?

Do not underestimate the guilt and remorse you will have to endure if you take up with Mr. M. I was with the married lady I ran off with for 15 years and neither of us really rid ourselves of the guilt. However after we parted I took my ex for lunch and all my guilt disappeared. She had turned into her mother - and that released me. I had made a good decision for all the wrong reasons.

Edited by Bagwan

Love is simple, love is pure.

One should follow one's heart, and not others' mouth.

If you love someone, go for it.

Does it matter if he/she is young/old, male/female, tall/short, fat/thin, married or not?

Love is simple, love is pure.

One should follow one's heart, and not others' mouth.

If you love someone, go for it.

Does it matter if he/she is young/old, male/female, tall/short, fat/thin, married or not?

Hmm..i think thats quite a selfish outlook Yoshitaka. I think it does matter if someone is married, has kids, etc. I think we should not follow our hearts like kids, without consideration of the consequences of our actions. Often our love interest may be based on an ideal image/fantasy, floating on the feeling of being in love..or having an infatuation. Then, when reality kicks in, it may not be all one had hoped it would be. But, by then, if a marriage/family was broken, there is likely no going back, only regrets. So no, i dont agree one should follow ones heart per say. I believe one should listen to others as well as to oneself, that one should take time to consider if this is really what they want and what damage their actions may do to others. If ultimately it is the right decision to make, then its understandable, and those hurdles can be overcome. But "go for it"....just like that..no thought process...well..i disagree.

Love is simple, love is pure.

One should follow one's heart, and not others' mouth.

If you love someone, go for it.

Does it matter if he/she is young/old, male/female, tall/short, fat/thin, married or not?

I agree with eek. Marriage is a commitment--refreshingly a rather significant and important promise made to another person in a world where fluff and trivality sometimes seem to reign.

If you really love a person married to someone else, you owe it to them to allow them to honor their word or at least deal responsibly with the consequences from retracting that promise--without your interference. In the case where the object of your love is already married, you certainly do not need to, nor in my opinion should you, "go for it" (assuming if you truly love that person).

I think sometimes that giddy feeling people get when they project on someone else unrealistic expectations is mistaken for love.

The giddy feeling goes away over time as reality sinks in--that's guaranteed. True love is something else entirely.

Cheers, Misty

"Why do some places prosper and thrive, while others just suck?" - P.J. O'Rourke

Pattaya Bun Lover.

Hmm..

Interesting name posting a response-provocative thread in the ladies forum...

Hmm..

QUOTE (Yoshitaka @ 2009-09-28 17:07:45) *

Love is simple, love is pure.

One should follow one's heart, and not others' mouth.

If you love someone, go for it.

Does it matter if he/she is young/old, male/female, tall/short, fat/thin, married or not?

What a selfish person you seem.

Love is simple, love is pure.

One should follow one's heart, and not others' mouth.

If you love someone, go for it.

Does it matter if he/she is young/old, male/female, tall/short, fat/thin, married or not?

Hmm..i think thats quite a selfish outlook Yoshitaka. I think it does matter if someone is married, has kids, etc. I think we should not follow our hearts like kids, without consideration of the consequences of our actions. Often our love interest may be based on an ideal image/fantasy, floating on the feeling of being in love..or having an infatuation. Then, when reality kicks in, it may not be all one had hoped it would be. But, by then, if a marriage/family was broken, there is likely no going back, only regrets. So no, i dont agree one should follow ones heart per say. I believe one should listen to others as well as to oneself, that one should take time to consider if this is really what they want and what damage their actions may do to others. If ultimately it is the right decision to make, then its understandable, and those hurdles can be overcome. But "go for it"....just like that..no thought process...well..i disagree.

I totally agree with you, eek, as I usually do. There is NO justifiable reason to ever go after someone else's spouse or partner. All that usually creates is heartbreak... for everyone. And, those illicit romances seldom last anyway. People who are not happy in marriage should part company first and then stay at least a year single before playing the dating game again. That said however, sometimes it takes a catalyst such as infidelity, to split couples apart who shouldn't be together in the first place.

GIVE UP.

He will not leave his wife and you are hurting his children too... I should know, my dad cheated on my mum for a long while and i HATED him for a long time, we still aren't doing well...

And you are hurting yourself too...

  • Author
Do not underestimate the guilt and remorse you will have to endure if you take up with Mr. M. I was with the married lady I ran off with for 15 years and neither of us really rid ourselves of the guilt. However after we parted I took my ex for lunch and all my guilt disappeared. She had turned into her mother - and that released me. I had made a good decision for all the wrong reasons.

May I ask, what caused you to part? Because of the guilt or something else? Please don't get into detail, if you don't want to. I just wonder.

  • Author

Since I started this thread, I feel obligated to update what is going on. Thank you for all of your opinions and advices. I took most of them in consideration (except the one that called me troll :) ).

I was selfish in the part that I followed my heart. I asked him to consider all of the possibilities. We will not make any decision blindly, I promise. You are right, in a way, I was a catalyst that made him realized how unhappy he was. If he decides to stay in marriage, how could he make his family happy when he was not", he said.

If he decides to leave his marriage, he would do his best to secure his kids' emotion and financial. He most likely will not take any penny with him, which is fine with me. He will also still support them. If he decides to leave, it will not be immediately. We are talking about a few years plan. Also, we will probably not see or talk to each during that time. We want to let things on his side settle without me in the picture.

He will not be considered a cheater if we are not going to see each other at all during these coming years, right? I can assure you that since we started talking, we have not done anything wrong physically.

If he decides to stay in his marriage, we will say goodbye gracefully. At least, we have given each other a chance to think through. This time, whatever the outcome is going to be, we will not look back and regret.

There are still a lot more to think about. We have been talking about this for the last 10 days and continue counting. We are really taking time considering all of the goods and bads that will come out of our decision. I will keep you update. (I might come back and cry my eyes out.)

I will try to tread lightly on this topic...

I read through the posts and comments and a few things come to mind.

1. I hope the husband leaves his wife - for his wife's sake. She deserves better - a lot better.

2. You two deserve each other.

3. Coming on a forum like this is not a confessional. Do you expect everyone to here to feel for your predicament?

4. Get yourself a big mirror and take a long look at yourself.

5. I will stop now before I say what I really want to...

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