Pattaya Crime Headline Generator, Pick One From Columns A, B, And C

[Jingthing]

Welcome to the PATTAYA CRIME HEADLINE GENERATOR

Pick one from column A

one from column B

and one from column C

and then enjoy the very latest Pattaya crime headline, fresh from the mean streets of FUN CITY!

Can you write a simple computer applet?

The idea is to collect hundreds, nay, thousands of items for the three columns and then have an instant Pattaya Crime Headline Generator.

Push the button and get the very latest. Cheaper than 25 baht!

Here is a humble beginning. Are you with me?

Column A

Iranian man

Ladyboy

Deranged British expat

Russian lady

Finnish man

Thai teenage boy

Jewelry shop owner

Moto taxi driver

Somtum seller

Pattaya policeman

Bangkok hiso

Obese American

Drunken Aussie

Barboy

Bargirl

Mamasan

Mamason

Thai Elvis impersonator

Nepalese tailor

Young man from Qatar

Column B

steals gold chain

jumps from balcony

was assaulted at 2 am on Beach Road

arrested on pedo charges

falls off second floor balcony

is electrocuted in large puddle

robbed by Moto taxi driver

raped by Moto taxi driver

married Moto taxi driver

crushed by an elephant on 2nd road

run over by a fruit tuk tuk on beach road

collapsed in a go go bar

won the lottery

was born with no genitals

indicted on tax evasion charges

found with 1000 tons of steroid pills

walked into Jomtien, body recovered

drinks a gallon of rat poison

pokes eye out in lover's quarrel

had no money for nightlife, so assaulted a Burmese ladyboy

Column C

Embassy notified

Police rule suicide

Police ran from scene

Police found to be wearning stolen uniforms

Baht bus driver the prime suspect

Thai live in lover prime suspect

Drunken Irishman prime suspect

problem solved with payment of 5000 baht

problem solved with payment of 1 million baht

victim now at Bangkok Pattaya Hospital

victim now at Pattaya Memorial Hospital

victim now missing

victim now dead

victim suffering from amnesia

evidence of lubrication found in condo

help sought from public to solve mystery

was mistaken for a soi dog

brought up on charges, but paperwork misplaced

first time visitor to Pattaya, vows never to return

Viagra tablets found in condo

Edited September 23, 2009 by Jingthing

[Jingthing]

I reckon I will have to file this as the biggest DUD thread I ever started. Live and learn.

(OK, you got me, this is a shameless bump, so sue me ...)

Edited September 24, 2009 by Jingthing

[Hssl]

Bangkok hiso

steals gold chain

Baht bus driver the prime suspect

[Jingthing]

The idea of course is to pick them randomly. I probably should have put numbers on each option, so you could say 3, 14, 19 and then see what it says. The concept is to have some silly nerd with too much time on his hands to create an applet and load in thousands of choices for columns A, B, and C (donated by thaivisa posters), and then you could press HEADLINE and get a huge variety of absurd randomly generated Pattaya crime headlines.

Of course the "punchline" here if there even is a punchline is that if you read the local Pattaya English press which is mostly "real" crime press, many of those headlines are so colorful and sometimes sound so absurd that they could have come from a Pattaya Crime Headline Generator.

Edited September 24, 2009 by Jingthing

[teddy_bare]

I like it.

I think you are a victim of your own success.

You have managed to capture all the headlines in the first go bar one which is almost a euphamism for crime stories in Thailand.

'Driver fled the scene of the accident'

[soundman]

Deranged Somtum seller is electrocuted in large puddle, evidence of lubrication found in condo.

[Jingthing]

Deranged Somtum seller is electrocuted in large puddle, evidence of lubrication found in condo.

You see how much fun this can be?

Obese American raped by Moto taxi driver victim suffering from amnesia

[aussiechick]

Moto Taxi driver was born with no genitals, drunken Irishman prime suspect

[amja]

HeHe Thanx Jingthing I think that covers the most! Now I don´t have to read Pattaya one everyday!

[webfact]

@ Jingthing

... great stuff

but I think someone must have lived here for a while to fully understand this masterpiece

[britmaveric]

Iranian man was assaulted at 2 am on Beach Road was mistaken for a soi dog

[webfact]

Drunken Aussie won the lottery and jumps from balcony. Police rules suicide

[aussiechick]

Bangkok hiso married Moto taxi driver, help sought from public to solve mystery

[NanLaew]

^^^ I like that brit

You have created a monster Jing !

But why limit something that writes better headlines than most to just the Pattaya crime scene? It could be patented and sold to the national press. Even add the option to insert some words in red!

Illegal Burmese worker / wins lottery / tipped for Prime Minister post.

or my favourite

Former UK university student / born without genitals / forms another coalition government.

Edited September 25, 2009 by NanLaew