Relationship With My Farang Boyfriend

[glitterstar]

Hello, I have been in a relationship with my farang boyfriend for more than a year now. He married to a Thai woman before and of course a bad divorce. Shortly after getting divorced, I met him. We get on well but the only thing that interferes me is his EX WIFE. He promised to end communication with her after finishing his business but I don't think she will stop and I am not sure if he will stop either.

It's said the past makes you the way you are and I now realize that it's true. It seems to me that he doesn't trust any Thai women anymore. I know there are many bad women but there are some good women in Thailand too so it's hard for me to be in a relationship with a guy who has bad experience before. I love him and I want to make it works and having future together but I can't do it on my own.

I just want to share my experience here and maybe some people want to share experience how to deal with this.

Glitterstar

Edited December 10, 2009 by glitterstar

[needforspeed]

If you love each other, i can tell you only this.

In live every one (from our age) had his own bad experiences but we still need to trust to make live comfortable.

If you can't "allow without fear" then there is not much hope for a relationship.

[BangkokBP]

Dear Glitterstar,

Discuss your thoughts with your boyfriend, and most of all, discuss the possible future that lies ahead. And if you both see the same goal, what is between now and then is just problems. I do think trust can be an issue, and a very fundamental one, but if either of you get too suspicious it will never last, and the same way the other way around, if you give too much freedom.

Worrying wont help, ask the questions you need to ask, if you feel you get the right answers, think about it again.

If you feel you dont get straight answers, talk to a common good friend that you both trust.

There is a way, if you both want you can walk it together.

Problems are not solved in these forums, so its just some words to make you think.

/BBP

[webfact]

Moved to General forum

[clockworkorange]

Assuming that there are no children involved between him and his ex, it sounds to me like he still has not got over his ex, and the risk to you is that he will get back together with her. If he is still in contact with her, and has so little respect for you that he does it against your wishes, blaming you for being untrustworthy just because you are Thai, then it sounds like you have chosen the wrong peson to be your boyfriend.

He can't reasonably expect to have the best of both worlds so you should reject him and put him in the 'poor character - not my type' category.

Edited December 11, 2009 by clockworkorange

[bkkmick]

Moved to General forum

Kind of hard to believe that a Thai girl would post that question of a (predominately) foreign forum.

<snip>

[kiwiinasia]

Glad to see a Thai womens point of view.

My advice is to talk to him and see how he reacts.

It might help.

[geriatrickid]

Some of us are able to maintain a civil relationship with former girlfriends. The relationship may not have worked, but does that mean we have to stop being civil or even friends? I believe it's called being mature.

[Latindancer]

Dear Glitterstar,

Discuss your thoughts with your boyfriend, and most of all, discuss the possible future that lies ahead. And if you both see the same goal, what is between now and then is just problems. I do think trust can be an issue, and a very fundamental one, but if either of you get too suspicious it will never last, and the same way the other way around, if you give too much freedom.

Worrying wont help, ask the questions you need to ask, if you feel you get the right answers, think about it again.

If you feel you dont get straight answers, talk to a common good friend that you both trust.

There is a way, if you both want you can walk it together.

Problems are not solved in these forums, so its just some words to make you think.

/BBP

Glitterstar, This is a good reply. I agree with him...

[blubberboybob]

c'mon out and fight you troll coward.

[eek]

You guys are unbelievable. Says a lot when people cannot believe a Thai person can have a decent grasp of English. FYI my bf's daughter can speak and write fluent English..probably better than some of the non-native speakers on this board! Part of her Education was in Australia too, so she has a good grasp of slang/expressions/colloquialism. Its really so dam_n patronising to assume that Thai people cannot speak or write decent English.

Glitterstar, its hard to give advice with so little information. In what way are they communicating? Regularly meeting up? Calls? How long were they together? Any kids involved?

It helps to know how they are communicating and how often, and what the reasons are. Also if he is hiding this from you, or being open about it.

If you trust him and you love each other (and he has no intention of getting back with his exwife), then dont let this get under your skin too much. Dont feel threatened by it. Also, if there are very good reasons why he is maintaining contact (family concerns, and kids, responsibilities, etc), then although you dont like it, this is sometimes part and parcel of being in a relationship with someone with "history".

[alyx]

Moved to General forum

Kind of hard to believe that a Thai girl would post that question of a (predominately) foreign forum.

<snip>

Well I guess that this is the only place where one might find examples (from the other end, though)

I am also not sure there is a Thai site dedicated to "How to deal with your relationship with a foreigner"

As for the OP I do not think there is a simple answer if any answers at all: only experiences (which is what you are looking for) and they all differ from one person to another as it is a case by case even though main lines may be drawn

The world is full of these experiences and, as you know, they do apply to any nationalities, and, Thai culture is quite an exemple of these situations

If you are in love with each other, give time to the time

Do not expect anything from each other (I know, easy to say)

If you do not like what you see, get out of it (I know, easy to say)

Talking to each other is the obvious thing to do, but you should be careful that the other part doesn't agree to what you ask only because this is what you want to hear

Edited December 11, 2009 by alyx

[glitterstar]

Thanks for your advice. I am Thai female and I never study abroad. I will need inner strength and think about what to do in the future.

Thanks

-Glitterstar

[alyx]

Thanks for your advice. I am Thai female and I never study abroad. I will need inner strength and think about what to do in the future.

Thanks

-Glitterstar

Just take it easy

Step by step: enjoy life

[alyx]

Hello Guiddo

Which part do you doubt?

She is not a she?

She is not Thai?

She did not study abroad?

She does not need advice?

Off topic but Glitterstar seems to be in need of advice and thanked all of the posters for their suggestions and answers so who cares

And Thanks to you Guiddo I am only four posts from the 500

Edited December 11, 2009 by alyx

[angiud]

Guiddo I repeat, you're starting your contributions to Thaivisa not in the best way...

You are a newbie but you behave like an old user. Maybe you banned before???

[noahvail]

Guiddo I repeat, you're starting your contributions to Thaivisa not in the best way...

You are a newbie but you behave like an old user. Maybe you banned before???

I think that could be quite possible.

But GlitterStar, your situation is not unique. A relationship based on trust is one that will survive. It sounds like you cannot trust him about his current relationship with his ex-wife. Based on your description, I could understand the doubts that you must feel. I would wonder what other trust issues that have sprung up as well. Trust is a funny thing: many people can find it easy to trust someone else completely, but once that trust is broken, it may be impossible to repair.

If I am reading you correctly, it seems that he cannot trust you simply because you are Thai. If that is the case, I might hazard a guess that the problem is with him, not with Thai women. There are many successful long-term marriages and relationships between Thai and farang. If he cannot trust you out of a new prejudice that he has, chances are that the relationship will be difficult to continue.

No one here can advise you as to what course of action you should take. That will be your decision. But in reading through the posts, consider the advice that several have given you; and forget about the other posters.

Best of luck to you.

[stinkyfarang]

farang man, he no good.

takes two to tango. cant just blame the ex.

[chiang mai]

Am I alone in thinking that some of the replies to the OP are highly offensive and totally unwarranted.

[needforspeed]

Glitterstar, can you write your Opening message in Thai language within 4 Minutes from now.

See you on the list, so know you are looking.

Just the clear the doubts around your person,

Thanks you

[Lite Beer]

Guiddo I repeat, you're starting your contributions to Thaivisa not in the best way...

You are a newbie but you behave like an old user. Maybe you banned before???

And Banned again.

[GuestHouse]

Shortly after getting divorced, I met him

You caught him on the 'Rebound' you suspect he's not over his ex yet and you suspect he is as guilty of maintaining contacts with her as she is with him.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND GET RID OF HIM.

Life's too short to wait around for other people to sort 'Their' sh1t.

[needforspeed]

Glitterstar, can you write your Opening message in Thai language within 4 Minutes from now.

See you on the list, so know you are looking.

Just the clear the doubts around your person,

Thanks you

ทำไมสงสัยกันจังว่าเป็นผู้หญิงไทยหรือเปล่า ก็บอกแล้วเป็นคนไทย พอใจหรือยัง

Ok Glitterstar, i believe you.

And that is exactly what is missing in your relationship with your husband, BELIEVE and TRUST.

Try it ,

[lennya12threh]

ทำไมสงสัยกันจังว่าเป็นผู้หญิงไทยหรือเปล่า ก็บอกแล้วเป็นคนไทย พอใจหรือยัง

I feel very good I can understand all of that!

Yes, belief and trust is important, but it would still be nice to know some previous questions.

Does he try to hide his contact with her from you? Does he talk to you about it?

Does he have any reasons to maintain contact? Responsibilities?

Trust is good but in certain more obvious situations, thinking as well.

[mostlysunny]

Hi Glitterstar

Hope I can relate to you in some ways. My farang bf(then)had a nasty divorce with a Thai woman too. When we were dating, he made a comment that If he didn't spend enough time in Thailand with me, I would run away with another foreigner in bkk. It broke my heart to hear that, but I also understand that trust is something you have to earn.

Anyway, it's all about u here. I think... It's not ok to talk to his exwife, if you think it's not ok. You are his gf now, it should be all about you. Stand up for yourself, tell him how you feel. Watch out for the exwife, I think she is playing a mind game with you. Hope it's a happy ending for you and remember you only deserve the best.

[kensingto]

Glitterstar, can you write your Opening message in Thai language within 4 Minutes from now.

See you on the list, so know you are looking.

Just the clear the doubts around your person,

Thanks you

ทำไมสงสัยกันจังว่าเป็นผู้หญิงไทยหรือเปล่า ก็บอกแล้วเป็นคนไทย พอใจหรือยัง

จะบ่อกอะไรให้ ที่นี้มีแต่ฝรั่งโง่ๆ ทั้งนั้น

[Thongkorn]

ทำไมสงสัยกันจังว่าเป็นผู้หญิงไทยหรือเปล่า ก็บอกแล้วเป็นคนไทย พอใจหรือยัง

, Why people think that she is Thai lady.or not , She is Thai lady. Happy or not

With out trust there is nothing. You have to make a decision , think what you want , tell him and if you do not get the answer you are looking for then Sorry move on , And mean it , playing games only drags on the inevitable, After a while you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulder believe me, Nobody wants to face the truth if the truth Hurts, ,Chok dee

[needforspeed]

ทำไมสงสัยกันจังว่าเป็นผู้หญิงไทยหรือเปล่า ก็บอกแล้วเป็นคนไทย พอใจหรือยัง

, Why people think that she is Thai lady.or not , She is Thai lady. Happy or not

Maybe you are happy to speak with a bloke act like a girl, i am not .

(I dint think she is)

[CWMcMurray]

I would just tell him that you are not comfortable with him speaking with his ex and considering how badly he has told you she treated him, you are not certain why he would want to speak with her either.

I would then ask him if there are still things with the business and such that need to be sorted out. Let him advise the reasons he needs to speak with her.

Then evaluate what he has said and "rationaly" discuss the issue to see if these communications are truly needed and then set up plan and tentative time line to tie up all of the loose ends. This should be done together.

Explain to him that you understand the need to tie up all of these loose ends, but based upon your earlier discussion, it should not take any longer than planned and that once everything has been taken care of, you would appreciate it if he could cut all contact with his ex.

Be sure to have above discussion without any "yelling, screaming, crying or other emotionaloutbursts" and I think you will be able to tell if he is genuinely "over her" and just trying to tie up loose ends or if he is trying to make excuses to have reasons to contact her. If you are emotional, it could blow everything out of proprtion and "muddy the waters".

If he is not over her, then I would tell him that you love him, but it is clear that despite how badly she teated him, it appears that he is not over her and that you can not be in such a relationship. Tell him not to contact you until he is ready to put his past behind him and move forward--- then the hard part....walk away.

If he is over her, let him tie up loose ends and then move on with your life together.

Edited December 12, 2009 by CWMcMurray

[IanForbes]

As someone already said, without trust there is little chance of a relationship surviving. However, trust goes BOTH ways. Because he was hurt before it will be a long time before he can completely trust anyone new. It is understandable that former lovers or spouses sometimes get together. But, a lot depends on what basis those relationships continue. I'm good friends with my first ex-wife, but I'm certainly not intimate with her.

There is something else that nobody else brought up. Does the farang in question actually LIVE in Thailand, or does he just visit occasionally? It is very hard to maintain a relationship if either party is a long way away for much of the year.