Am I Just The Typical Stupid Farang?

[coronadian]

I need to get this off my chest, and maybe writing helps.

So I stayed with this Thai girl for over a year, we travelled around SE Asia a bit and had an appartment in BKK. We had a really good relationship (I think), lots of joking around, and just....well its personal but I've never been able to open up so much with anyone. I felt we were really intimate, and I'm not just talking about the sex here. We are about the same age (mid twenties, shes 2 years younger than me). She had a low paying sales job with her sister when we met, but she gave that up when we traveled. I met many of her friends, and most of the family too. Mom, Brothers, Sisters, niece, etc. We were even on child-watch duty together a few days for the 2 small ones.

We talked about the future, we talked about kids. She was a bit shy telling me she loved me, but when she got emotional, or even drunk she did. And then it really felt genuine. I really really believed she did.

I left for about a month in the middle, because of visa trouble. Anyways we talked everyday, a couple of times I didn't hear her calling or whatever and got an earful. I also sent her a bit of money while I was gone, both for the apartment and herself too (around thb 10000, so not much).

When I got back she seemed really happy, but something changed. She still didnt have a job at this point (she worked for a coffe-shop for a while, but after a month she quit saying she hates it. plus she didnt get a single day off). Occasionaly she would help her aunt (who apparently had a som-tam stand in BKK and sells in teh evening). Anyways, when I got back she said she would help her aunt more now, because she need work. What followed were a few weeks of her working late nights. Sometimes she would come home drunk (I'm talking 4am here), saying she drink beer with uncle. I made it clear I didn't like it. One night she didn't come home at all. I was super pissed. And one night she came home in like a party dress, super drunk too and it was clear she wasn't working. She later said she met a friend and then went to go dancing. All other occasions she was wearing normal stuff, like pants, nothing to go out with. Then there was my birthday, when she didn't come home too. After 2 days I finally got through to her cell and she said she went home to her mom (Isaan). Now she did tell me she had to go see her sometime this week, and she claimed she told me she would go then, but come on.

Eventually I got so pissed that I told her it needed to stop, I threatend to walk out the next day. She began to cry and left. I got drunk and called her, she said she go drink with friend because I dont like her. She said she will talk with me tomorrow. An hour or so later she came home, crying and saying she was sorry and she loved me etc.

Things got better again, she still helped her aunt for a bit of an income, but only maybe once a week or so. And she never came home drunk again. We went for another short trip, but then I had to leave for a while.

We both cried when I left, she drove to the airport with me, we talked a while, promising to call everyday etc. She gave me a bit goodbye kiss. I told her I would come back in a few months.

Back home she would send sms to me everyday. I told her its cheaper if I call her than if she does, so just send me an sms and I would call her back. We talked alot, sometimes 3-4 times a day. I figured things out back home, and began to plan coming back for another year or so in LOS, coming this march. I told her so and she sounded excited and happy I would come back. I also send her money again, again not much, around THB 10k.

Then, from one day to the next, jsut before Christmas, she sends me an sms saying phone is broken. I continue trying to call her. Most of the time all I got was the famous "the number you dialed...blabla" but sometimes it would ring but nobody picked up. Whatever. I emailed her, continued to call. Nothing, not a word for 2 weeks. Then a few days ago I get an sms from a thai number saying she lost her phone, and doesnt have phone now, and that shes sorry.

Before that I had already send her sister (who I become OKish friends with during my stay) and email asking if she knew what was going on. She said she didnt know but would ask her for me.

Then today I get the an email from the sisters account:

"Happy New Year,

To be honest I have new boyfriend. I am sorry to tell you the truth. Do you remember? Thai culture have to take care parents. and you not even care abt that, I hope you understand me and thank you for everythink. I'll rermember you <name>. Good bye."

&lt;deleted&gt;!? Did I fall for the typical money extraction schemer? I really loved that girl. Furtehrmore, this really sucks for me because as I said I had made serious arrangements to be leaving for a while again. Now what the heck do I do? I feel like the whole world has crushed down on me today. Was I just really stupid believeing anything she said? Could this have worked? Should I have seen it all along? Why would she do this to me? What the heck......I don't know what to do. I'm so stupid. I love that girl.....

[DegenFarang]

Hopefully you have learned your lesson. Just be glad she was honest enough to tell you she has a new boyfriend and didn't lie to you and milk you for all she could get like a lot of them would do.

Based upon the 'uncle' stuff and coming home in party dresses it sounds like she was probably cheating on you or at the very least going out and partying with her friends and lying to you about it. This stuff is pretty common with Thai girls - they are great liars.

Regarding her saying stuff to you that you totally believed and she made you feel great etc - Thai women are masters at this, seriously like Picasso. No way to know based upon your post whether she meant what she said or not but my inclination is that she was probably telling you what she thought you wanted to here - and she clearly has/had monetary motives as evidenced by her asking you for money repeatedly and especially with the reference to you not caring about taking care of her family - which is ThaiSpeak for give me 20,000 baht every month which I say I'm going to send back to my family.

In short: this is probably not the kind of girl you want to be with. It will hurt to get over it but once you do you'll be stronger and wiser and probably not fall for the same trap next time.

There are a lot of old cynical dudes on this forum who are probably going to say a lot worse than what I just said, they assume every Thai woman has the worst of intentions as they've been burnt by them so many times, but in this instance I think much of what they say will probably be at least somewhat true.

Good luck. Keep your head up.

[coronadian]

Thnx for the response, even though it was a tough one. I don't like the idea of all that being true. If I was nothing more than a money extraction scheme she did a really poor job I have to say.

I never gave her money while I was there, as I said I gave her money twice while I was away (realistically the first time she had to pay the apartment somehow though), the second time she asked me though.

I started out a cynic, I really did. I never thought this would go further than a few weeks. Alot of people warned me. Now is where you'll here the typical "but I felt in my heart she was different", I really did, not at first, and not after 3 months, but slowly I did.

While I was there she asked me for money exactly once. And that was like 9 month in. I have to say I met her mom and she really is sick (her hand is cripled), dad left a while ago. Anyways, this one time she said mom needs (and I dont exactly remember, was it medicine, or doctor, but something like that), can you help. I said how much, I don't remember exactly but I think it was something like 7000 baht. But the cynic in me told her no, I told myself this is a slipperly slope. I said I'm not responsible for that, and I cannot give money for your mother. I said I'll take care of you no problem, but not anybody else. She never said anything to me again.

I think this is what shes refering to when she said "Do you remember?".

Was I an asshol_e for not helping here there? Maybe it was legit, and she saw me differently from then on. I think I should have thought about this more, I would be pissed too if my mom was in trouble and my partner refused to help. But I dont know.

I thought about this alot all day, and to an extend the past few weeks. I don't really give a dam_n about the money TBH, whatever. I just want to understand her, if only she woudl answer her phone.

Edited January 7, 2010 by coronadian

[DegenFarang]

It isn't as clear cut as 'she just wants my money' and 'she really loves me' in Thailand - there are many shades of gray. I never said it was a money extraction scheme, I said she had monetary motives. Those may just have been because she and her family are poor and she wants to fall in love with a man who will take care of her and her family - or she may not have needed any money for her family and simply wants somebody to give her a lot of money - no way of knowing, its grey. In any case, you would likely be best of just finding a new woman who you can be more sure about. There are plenty.

[drum]

coronadian,it seems a lot of thai girls test the water,do they like you,are you honest and trust worthy,are you willing to help the family with cash hand outs,this may have been your down fall,not all girls just want money,most if not all want to know your there to help when they ask,it is a thai thing stange to the likes of farangs,but thai sibblings mainly girls feel it is there duty in life to take care of there parents,where as in the west its the other way round parents take care of there sibblings, she could of strunge you along for hand outs has long as she could,

seems she did the decent thing and told you the relationship is over,,dont lose heart mate on wards and up wards,

[Brunus]

Well. DegenFarang gave you good advises. Your words seem sincere. Many idiots probably will attack you (and me) here. Too stupid to understand feelings. You are young and your life will give you much more than this. I think this girl really loved you in her way. She didn't want you to suffer more than you do now. That's why she left you. Believe me, your life would have been a nightmare with her. Try to move on. One day you will understand......

[RAZZELL]

Thing's aren't as clear cut in the East as the West.

"True love" and "love conquers all" don't really wash. Money, support, family, face etc etc and a whole lot of other factors enter the equation.

Not helping her Mum was a big no no...she would never have forgotten that...

I'm sure your girl did love you...but just fell out of love with you for a number of reasons.

It's happened to us all...

RAZZ

Edited January 7, 2010 by RAZZELL

[TheJoker12]

Stop with the nonsense about grey areas.

Thais I know would never make excuses for this girl and her actions.

Yes, you are just another typical stupid farang whose squeeze is out there getting tossed around by half the town.

Put her photo up, lets see how many of us know her.

Tough words but the truth mate, if you can handle it.

Edited January 7, 2010 by TheJoker12

[RAZZELL]

Stop with the nonsense about grey areas.

Thais I know would never make excuses for this girl and her actions.

Yes, you are just another typical stupid farang whose squeeze is out there getting tossed around by half the town.

Put her photo up, lets see how many of us know her.

You know all this from the OP's first post?

RAZZ

Edited January 7, 2010 by RAZZELL

[sokal]

Thnx for the response, even though it was a tough one. I don't like the idea of all that being true. If I was nothing more than a money extraction scheme she did a really poor job I have to say.

I never gave her money while I was there, as I said I gave her money twice while I was away (realistically the first time she had to pay the apartment somehow though), the second time she asked me though.

I started out a cynic, I really did. I never thought this would go further than a few weeks. Alot of people warned me. Now is where you'll here the typical "but I felt in my heart she was different", I really did, not at first, and not after 3 months, but slowly I did.

While I was there she asked me for money exactly once. And that was like 9 month in. I have to say I met her mom and she really is sick (her hand is cripled), dad left a while ago. Anyways, this one time she said mom needs (and I dont exactly remember, was it medicine, or doctor, but something like that), can you help. I said how much, I don't remember exactly but I think it was something like 7000 baht. But the cynic in me told her no, I told myself this is a slipperly slope. I said I'm not responsible for that, and I cannot give money for your mother. I said I'll take care of you no problem, but not anybody else. She never said anything to me again.

I think this is what shes refering to when she said "Do you remember?".

Was I an asshol_e for not helping here there? Maybe it was legit, and she saw me differently from then on. I think I should have thought about this more, I would be pissed too if my mom was in trouble and my partner refused to help. But I dont know.

I thought about this alot all day, and to an extend the past few weeks. I don't really give a dam_n about the money TBH, whatever. I just want to understand her, if only she woudl answer her phone.

It was not simply money extraction, she probably did like you but had some other prospects on the go. The new guy will probably get juggled around too. Let me guess, she was really hot ?

[RAZZELL]

It was not simply money extraction

20,000 baht cash ain't exactly the great train robbery

RAZZ

[TheJoker12]

Stop with the nonsense about grey areas.

Thais I know would never make excuses for this girl and her actions.

Yes, you are just another typical stupid farang whose squeeze is out there getting tossed around by half the town.

Put her photo up, lets see how many of us know her.

You know all this from the OP's first post?

RAZZ

Yes. Its all there.

[sokal]

Stop with the nonsense about grey areas.

Thais I know would never make excuses for this girl and her actions.

Yes, you are just another typical stupid farang whose squeeze is out there getting tossed around by half the town.

Put her photo up, lets see how many of us know her.

Tough words but the truth mate, if you can handle it.

What are you talking about ?

I am guessing this girl is very attractive, she can probably attract almost any single guy she wants on a basic level. Her family is probably putting pressure on her for some money and she is trying to find a mate at the same time. I think these girls are confused more then anything else, the really hot ones more so.

[TheJoker12]

You are the confused one mate.

[coronadian]

...

It was not simply money extraction, she probably did like you but had some other prospects on the go. The new guy will probably get juggled around too. Let me guess, she was really hot ?

No she was not really hot...she was attractive but you'll see 10 hotter girls everyday.

[coronadian]

I think someone got to her after I left. Maybe a friend or something, talked her into this thai nonesense and that she should look for someone rich to give to her family. Maybe they showed off their iphone and bragged about it. Talked her into feeling guilty or something.

Edited January 7, 2010 by coronadian

[sokal]

...

It was not simply money extraction, she probably did like you but had some other prospects on the go. The new guy will probably get juggled around too. Let me guess, she was really hot ?

No she was not really hot...she was attractive but you'll see 10 hotter girls everyday.

Post a pic of her.

[TheJoker12]

I think someone got to her after I left.

Many they already got to her those nights she never came home.

[coronadian]

...

It was not simply money extraction, she probably did like you but had some other prospects on the go. The new guy will probably get juggled around too. Let me guess, she was really hot ?

No she was not really hot...she was attractive but you'll see 10 hotter girls everyday.

Post a pic of her.

No i wont, certainly not in a public forum. I can PM u a link if you're so inclined than u can judge if you want.

Edit: done

Edited January 7, 2010 by coronadian

[Kadafi]

No doubt this girl did really have feelings for you, staying with you for a year with no financial benefit other than food etc shows this. When you returned home, stated you was planning on coming back to Thailand for another year but then send just 10k in which most will be eaten up by paying accomadation etc she probably sat back and thought &lt;deleted&gt;, he can afford to stay here for another year but wants to send me the bare minimum because hes a tight ass.

I don't agree with this line of thought because she should get of her own ass and work for a living but this is a typical Thai mentality. You could have probably continued this relationship if you had been abit more generous while you was back home but do you really want to be financing a Thai gf? you are only in your mid twenties.

I'm in my twenties and have been in Thailand for 5 years, my advice would be let this other guy finance her and move on. You have both equally lost the same, a year in a relationship which hasn't worked out...

Edited January 7, 2010 by Kadafi

[NanLaew]

Family will always come first in Thai society so don't get talked into 'another Thai money trap' argument. The generalisation that "This stuff is pretty common with Thai girls - they are great liars" is a bit inflammatory IMHO. Maybe one could consider, "This stuff is pretty common with farang guys - they are so gullible"?

The deal breaker was declining to help out her family when asked so she started casting around for another guy who possibly could. She has found a better option and is moving on so best the OP does too.

Always be wary when any female gets emotional, says she loves you or decides to have sex only when she's drunk. Also consider that most single men only get emotional, say "I love you" and want to have sex somewhere between the 6th and 9th.

Beer that is!

Edited January 7, 2010 by NanLaew

[coronadian]

I drink all day with my friend.

I no come home.

I have no job.

U no give me enough money.

My Mom no like you no give her money.

I have new boyfriend.

This my drunk party dress.

I JUST CONFUSED THAI GIRL!!!!

Respectfully Sir, you are a f***tard whos taking things completely out of context.

[tartempion]

Stop with the nonsense about grey areas.

Thais I know would never make excuses for this girl and her actions.

Yes, you are just another typical stupid farang whose squeeze is out there getting tossed around by half the town.

Put her photo up, lets see how many of us know her.

Tough words but the truth mate, if you can handle it.

Seems to me you are on yaba, yoker

[DegenFarang]

Don't listen to Joker

[colino]

Hi Coronadian

wow i hope you feel better after writing that , unfortunately you are not alone with what happened to you

every week the same thing happens only the names change.

I have been with girls when there farang boy friends have called and they all seem to say the same,

Its like a script ,Dont beat yourself up over it , Just move on a little wiser and eyes open,

if it helps loads of people have gone through a similar event, but most wont admit it

best of luck

colino

[louialive]

I think someone got to her after I left.

Many they already got to her those nights she never came home.

The guy is down enough don't kick him in the nuts as well.

Coronadian, from what you have said you sound mid to early 20's, you will learn from these experiences, I am 48 and been through crap (not with thai females but UK) and if I knew back then what I know now... well you can guess the rest. But be positive and think of the good times you had together, what you liked about her and look for these good qualities in the next female you start a relationship with. Its not a failure to make a mistake its how we learn. All the best for your future. And if you have made arrangements to go to Thailand then why not go and enjoy yourself and see what turns up.

[a2396]

It was not simply money extraction

20,000 baht cash ain't exactly the great train robbery

RAZZ

Maybe peanuts to you. Not to me. If I gave that amount of money to a lady, I would expect some reliability, sincerity and accountability. It looks pretty clear he did not have that. Sorry to say, my red flags go up anytime someone gets drunk, as a regular part of their behavior.

[Petesear]

I haven't been in this(op) situation but I'd like to add one thing.

She may have ended up with an older guy due to the believe that older means wealthier. She is probably not happy but needs must.

Either go to her tell her you'll be her family provider, you have met them and so know she is genuine about that, or forget about her and move on.

Next time try not to fall for a girl from a poor social background. I believe that these are the girls who may give guys the money squeeze. I know mine doesn't.

Chin up..

[coronadian]

But shes not drunk regularly, hel_l we went through weeks on end without drinking. You guys don't understand, she isnt a party girl, yes she liked to go dancing every once in a while, but so do we all.

Shes an amazing cook, she regularly made the best tom yam goom I had anywhere. She took care of everything, dishes, washing, heck even my own personal hygiene. She is everything I could hope for. The way she talked about having kids, and taking care of everyone. you dont know her. I will not have her being drawn into the dirt here, no matter what she has done to my heart. Judging from your replies, shes a better girl than most of you woudl ever desirve.

I don't wanna go to thailand to have some fun with a random hooker. thats not who I am, and thats not who i want to be. I just want to figure this out.

[a2396]

No doubt this girl did really have feelings for you, staying with you for a year with no financial benefit other than food etc shows this. When you returned home, stated you was planning on coming back to Thailand for another year but then send just 10k in which most will be eaten up by paying accomadation etc she probably sat back and thought &lt;deleted&gt;, he can afford to stay here for another year but wants to send me the bare minimum because hes a tight ass.

I don't agree with this line of thought because she should get of her own ass and work for a living but this is a typical Thai mentality. You could have probably continued this relationship if you had been abit more generous while you was back home but do you really want to be financing a Thai gf? you are only in your mid twenties.

I'm in my twenties and have been in Thailand for 5 years, my advice would be let this other guy finance her and move on. You have both equally lost the same, a year in a relationship which hasn't worked out...

It is unfortunately quite a game here, with the money and the little darlings. The savvy women here, who are attractive and have good manipulative skills, know that there are guys from all over the world scrambling around Thailand or on the internet, willing to throw large amongst of money at them. If they cant get what they want from you, they can likely get it from another, at least for awhile. Love has usually got nothing to do with it.