A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If

you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill

you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was

astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the

road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take

one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around

the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hel_l were you when I got

married?'

Jim worked in a carrot canning factory for over 30 years. One day he came home to his wife to tell her that he has terrible urges to stick his d#ck into the carrot slicer. His wife is shocked and suggests that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Jim said he would be too embarrassed. He said it was probably just a phase and he would be ok. One day a few weeks later, Jim came home. His wife could see that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Jim?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this incredible urge to put my d#ck into the carrot slicer?"

"Jim, please tell me you didn't!"

"Yes, I did."

"My God Jim, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"Oh no! I mean why? What happened to the carrot slicer?"

"She got fired too."