Lack Of Emotion

[Loz]

I'm really glad your son has found his True Love.

Now tell him to stop buying stuff for his wife and find out more about her "TRUE LOVE".

You sound like a loving father. This is genuine, sound advice.

Good luck, no matter what.

[Latindancer]

However the fact my son has also purchased some expensive gifts for her family and now they want him to buy them a house is a concern.

The family in all likelihood have no real sense of proportion about how rich foreigners are. They think we're all millionaires. By asking for a house, what has probably actually happening is that they are asking if your son is rich enough to buy them a house. He does not have to say "yes".

If it gets to the point of them DEMANDING, THEN it is a problem.

By the way, houses in the country here are actually very cheap. I'd suggest that he says "no, sorry", to give them a sense of limits......then if he really wants to buy them one, to buy it much later. Otherwise they will go crazy, thinking they have hit a seam of gold.

What has been said about public display of emotion is correct. She is being a normal polite Thai girl.

[ozzieovaseas]

I agree with what others have said, and YES, do try to ignore the nut cases on here. They have precious little to do but jump on anyone they can get away with scorning cheaply.

As far as the current state of affairs go, it is a worrying development that the family have now seen the opportunity and gone for the big clintcher.

In some cases if a poorer northern farm family hears of new and easily found riches they will go for the juggular, with no thought or concern of how these actions will affect the realtionship of the couple.

The trouble you have now is that buying the car has set a dangerous precadent and you've unwittingly sent an open ivitation for all and sundry to try and cash in. Even if the family is basically decent there will be one or two looser no hoper drunks who will convince the others that these forieners are rich and are there for the milking and it would be nothing for them (you) to pay for a house.

They are of the mentality that if you have money for a car then you have heaps more where that came from.

Some actually believe that farang money spent in abundance somehow magically replentishes itself with each large purchase, a bit like pruning a tree if you will.

I cant really think of what your next step should be other than try and calmy instil into this girl that these sorts of demands are not acceptable in our culture and even the suggestion of such things are actually very offensive to us.

I presume that the suggestions were made from corresponance from the family to the daughter and then to you, assuming there may not be a whole lot of English speaking communication going on between the family and you.

This also has the added complication of not knowing for sure who is really behind all this.

[ozzieovaseas]

Also just wanted to add Transam has a valid point,

If you are around the people for any amount of time you will constantly see peculair ways that seem very strange to us, even rude at first.

In regards to showing emotion or thanks, or even what we would consider basic manners, seems of no big importance here.

A bit off topic but an example that comes to mind was when i was visiting at a families place who had visitors staying. Apparently its not uncommon for people to just get in their cars and wonder off home at any stage without saying goodbye or even indicating to the hosts that they were leaving...seemed strange to me at the time and i dont know if things like that are the norm but i was told that goodbyes as we westerners know dont have the same importance in Thai culture..

[Latindancer]

Hmmm...yes, but don't go jumping to conclusions about the family yet. You don't yet know what they are like. Sometimes people here are very childlike and they may well be only asking, rather than demanding.

Don't go offf half-cocked. Don't assume. Is it a demand, or polite request, from a poor person to someone whose wealth they have no real idea of ?

And don't forget.....a "house" upcountry here is more like a concrete-walled shed. I'm not exaggerating. They may only be asking for one of these, though some foreigners also build really very nice cottages. Which type do they want ?

Edited February 15, 2010 by Latindancer

[t.s]

she probably shagged his socks off for the car once you were well out of the way.

[jdinasia]

I don't think paradise wants to 'play' with you guys anymore, some of you havent been nice .....which of course is so internet

You are correct!! I no longer want to play.

To clarify for some it is my son who did all the purchases with the exception of a few. The original first response I found to be quite rude and to say what did I expect her to do jump up and down like a schoolgirl ( a western schoolgirl) I must admit for a $13,000 brand new 2009 Rio sedan ya I expected more than a thank you. I don't care what your culture is that must have taken quite a bit of control to not jump up and down.

I am too polite to ask my son what kind of thank you he got in private. Some of the responses were kind and informative. Others were juvenile and rude and if I were ever to visit Thailand I would gladly meet those few and discuss it one on one.

It is my hope she is what she appears to be. However the fact my son has also purchased some expensive gifts for her family and now they want him to buy them a house is a concern. Hopefully she has fallen far from the tree. We shall see.

For those kind enough to provide kind words and some guidance thank you. For those of you who chose to be defensive in misreading my original post. You do a disservice to this and any forum you choose to lurk in.

Hmmmmm the section I BOLDED and underlined above certainly is the epitome of mature!

Yes I made the schoolgirl remark and yes I still stand by it. I think the very idea of a father-in-law going on the internet to complain that someone didn't show enough gratitude when given a gift is tacky. To lay it off on Buddhism was even tackier.

A sincere "thank you" is ALWAYS enough recognition for a gift. The very idea of a gift involves no obligation at all! To place an obligation of a marked display of gratitude on a gift means that it wasn't a gift at all, it is either a bribe or manipulation if it has a requirement attached to it. The fact that in Thailand gifts are often not opened in front of the giver should be quite telling. The fact that this isn't about the OP's wife and is about the OP's adult son's life should pretty well end the discussion, unless of course this is another "My friend has a problem....." kind of threads.

Thais take care of their families ... it is a good thing. Thais are mostly not very emotionally demonstrative in public and that is simply a cultural thing.

[Loz]

Sorry to play Devil's advocate here. But anyone who has been here long enough knows how so many thais think, "this is thailand, you don't like it, go home" when we fail to understand AND adapt to their culture. This is a case where the thai has gone to the USA. I wonder why nobody expects her to make the same cultural adaptations?

You are white mature farang, you take your TGF to her family for a visit. You go to dinner and you pay. if you make a fuss you don't understand Thai culture and are looked down upon.

This girl has Gone to america, Son proudly bought her a car and presented it (maybe at a family gathering) and she just said, Thank you. Maybe she is the villain now. She wouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to know that it was a grand gesture and also the fact that family were there meant it was an important event.

i can't help thinking that that OP has a point.

I revert to:

STOP GIVING HER GIFTS AND SEE WHAT HER TRUE LOVE IS

[Groongthep]

The OP, pardsie, has given us no background information whatsoever on the new girlfriend. How is anyone to make any kind of informed opinion of this young(?) woman if we know nothing about her.

Is she indeed a poor girl from the village as everyone assumes or is she perhaps from a more middle class or even higher background. How much education does she have? Did she attend university or barely pass B6? Is she from Bangkok or some tiny village in Buriram? All these things would have an influence on her reaction to receiving the gifts mentioned.

Compare her reactions to how the average western woman would react to receiving a pair of slippers or the cheapest Kia made. It might very well be her who is thinking "Jesus! Did I ever <deleted>-up by marrying this poor loser."

Without knowing anything about this woman we will never know what's going through her mind.

[t.s]

I don't think paradise wants to 'play' with you guys anymore, some of you havent been nice .....which of course is so internet

You are correct!! I no longer want to play.

To clarify for some it is my son who did all the purchases with the exception of a few. The original first response I found to be quite rude and to say what did I expect her to do jump up and down like a schoolgirl ( a western schoolgirl) I must admit for a $13,000 brand new 2009 Rio sedan ya I expected more than a thank you. I don't care what your culture is that must have taken quite a bit of control to not jump up and down.

I am too polite to ask my son what kind of thank you he got in private. Some of the responses were kind and informative. Others were juvenile and rude and if I were ever to visit Thailand I would gladly meet those few and discuss it one on one.

It is my hope she is what she appears to be. However the fact my son has also purchased some expensive gifts for her family and now they want him to buy them a house is a concern. Hopefully she has fallen far from the tree. We shall see.

For those kind enough to provide kind words and some guidance thank you. For those of you who chose to be defensive in misreading my original post. You do a disservice to this and any forum you choose to lurk in.

it would be nice if you had the balls to approach your son about this in person.

your sneaky remarks in the second to last paragraph belie that her saying "thank you" in a manner YOU see appropriate is not the only issue here. you have already labeled her parents as money-grubbers, you only seek confirmation regarding your son's wife.

Will you be saddened or triumphant if your suspicions prove correct? i know where my money lies.

[hawthorne]

Go see a bahavorial Pshycologist. Explain your situation and pay for the evaluation from a non partisan professional. If it is so important to you. Why trust us to tell you about someone we do not even know. As us about your wife and see what kind of answers we give??? Just trying to put it in perspective. Generalizations are just that, not for everyone and culture does not explain everyones bahavorial traits.

ps beating up people that do not agree with you will probably not give you the best outcome either. Opinions are like arse holes....

across the spectrum ... most important thing is she makes your son happy.... do you think he is happier since she has been his life? Do you notice a postitive change in his personality? These are the things a parent might want to consider.

My wife is my reserved outside of Thailand but a spitfire in Thailand. My wifes appreciation of a gift has no bearing on the cost of the gift. A zero cost item is showered with as much appreciation as a $13,000 car ..ok my wife probably kill me for spending that much money on anything!!!!

[kolasaab]

All the thai ladies ive met have not been been big on gratitude, when i get my girlfriend exspensive perfume she briefly smiles and says thankyou, and thats it

[NaiGreg]

Accepting a gift from someone may be an opportunity for that person to help the giver receive the gratification and satisfaction of gift-giving that they crave. A smile and a thank-you is more than enough (for adults)

Convoluted sentence, I know. But you get the gist if you read it three times.

-NG

[pardsie]

I agree with what others have said, and YES, do try to ignore the nut cases on here. They have precious little to do but jump on anyone they can get away with scorning cheaply.

As far as the current state of affairs go, it is a worrying development that the family have now seen the opportunity and gone for the big clintcher.

In some cases if a poorer northern farm family hears of new and easily found riches they will go for the juggular, with no thought or concern of how these actions will affect the realtionship of the couple.

The trouble you have now is that buying the car has set a dangerous precadent and you've unwittingly sent an open ivitation for all and sundry to try and cash in. Even if the family is basically decent there will be one or two looser no hoper drunks who will convince the others that these forieners are rich and are there for the milking and it would be nothing for them (you) to pay for a house.

They are of the mentality that if you have money for a car then you have heaps more where that came from.

Some actually believe that farang money spent in abundance somehow magically replentishes itself with each large purchase, a bit like pruning a tree if you will.

I cant really think of what your next step should be other than try and calmy instil into this girl that these sorts of demands are not acceptable in our culture and even the suggestion of such things are actually very offensive to us.

I presume that the suggestions were made from corresponance from the family to the daughter and then to you, assuming there may not be a whole lot of English speaking communication going on between the family and you.

This also has the added complication of not knowing for sure who is really behind all this.

Thank you for your response. Your suggestion of explaining that such requests or demands are unacceptable and such things we find to be offensive is excellent. Being Thai she certainly will be able to understand. The correspondence was indeed between she and her family.

Again thank you

[senshusband]

There are a few things to consider and I hope this is taken with understanding. My wife and I moved back to where I am from in Arkansas for the last three years. Over that time she has come to understand me better, come to understand America and where I come from better, and she has been able to put her "experience" into perspective and relay that to her family. Here are some points I want to make:

1. It doesn't really matter what her job was before, but you should think about how long they knew each other before making the decision to get married. My wife and I have been together almost 5 years now, but this last year seemed to be the best year of our marriage. If they haven't know each other that long, maybe it would be better for everyone to work into this transition slowly. Instead of being happy that Little Tommy has a Thai wife, lets buy 'em something, why not go and do things as a family. Go places, do things. Let her process this new country in her time.

2. Did she ask for this car or was this a great idea that your son had that she would be impressed and love him more? I have seen it time and time again. Male spends crazy money to insure that she loves him. Well, if she loves him then she will do it with or without a car. I promise. Oh, can she even drive legally?

3. It was pointed out earlier that Thai will view thier gifts in private. This is absolutely true. It is good manners in Thailand to do this. Afterwards, the person receiving the gift will approach the one giving the gift and thank them personally. They don't make a big deal about it and publicize it like some Americans like to do. Its just not proper.

4. Back to her being in America. My wife, like 90% of Thais, viewed Americans as rich mutha f'ers. Its true. We are loaded!! And most of us have a decent pension, for Thailand. But after my wife got to the States and saw how much things cost and how quick money is spent, she had a different perspective. She has since conveyed this on to her family so that they understand that we ain't so rich after all. Give your daughter-in-law time to see these things and if she loves your son and wants a great life with him, then she will tell her family about money in America.

5. As a father, please do your son and yourself a favor. Talk to him and ask to think before he buys. I make some really good money, but my early years of Thailand took A LOT of that money. I was new to the "game" and didn't think about needing to save some of that money. I wish I did. I would have A LOT more money!

In conclusion, I wish the best for your family. My wife is only the 2nd Thai where I live. Another lady who has been a friend of the family moved there with her husband as he was a Vietnam vet. Your daughter-in-law WILL BE LONELY!! Please do what you can to help her not think about missing her family so much. Why not go play putt-putt golf on a nice day. Go see a museum that has cultural thiongs she can learn. It takes everybody involved to make a family.

[spongeman]

I don't think paradise wants to 'play' with you guys anymore, some of you havent been nice .....which of course is so internet

You are correct!! I no longer want to play.

To clarify for some it is my son who did all the purchases with the exception of a few. The original first response I found to be quite rude and to say what did I expect her to do jump up and down like a schoolgirl ( a western schoolgirl) I must admit for a $13,000 brand new 2009 Rio sedan ya I expected more than a thank you. I don't care what your culture is that must have taken quite a bit of control to not jump up and down.

I am too polite to ask my son what kind of thank you he got in private. Some of the responses were kind and informative. Others were juvenile and rude and if I were ever to visit Thailand I would gladly meet those few and discuss it one on one.

It is my hope she is what she appears to be. However the fact my son has also purchased some expensive gifts for her family and now they want him to buy them a house is a concern. Hopefully she has fallen far from the tree. We shall see.

For those kind enough to provide kind words and some guidance thank you. For those of you who chose to be defensive in misreading my original post. You do a disservice to this and any forum you choose to lurk in.

You and your son are living in a dreamworld for sure. She may have not wanted a car in the first place. Did her family ask for the expensive gifts ? Maybe she wanted your son not to waste his money. You have a preconcieved view of what Thai women are like abroad, that they are only interested in material wealth.

Its not always the case.

Also strange how the *house* suddenly appears from nowhere.........why not in your first post ...........

Edited February 15, 2010 by spongeman

[MangoMungo]

I must admit for a $13,000 brand new 2009 Rio sedan ya I expected more than a thank you. I don't care what your culture is that must have taken quite a bit of control to not jump up and down.

As a Thai, I can tell you that if someone gave me a 13K Rio I would not be jumping up or down.

For a BMW, Mercedes, or Audi maybe. Oh, and a Ducati.

Edited February 16, 2010 by MangoMungo

[sokal]

I don't think paradise wants to 'play' with you guys anymore, some of you havent been nice .....which of course is so internet

You are correct!! I no longer want to play.

To clarify for some it is my son who did all the purchases with the exception of a few. The original first response I found to be quite rude and to say what did I expect her to do jump up and down like a schoolgirl ( a western schoolgirl) I must admit for a $13,000 brand new 2009 Rio sedan ya I expected more than a thank you. I don't care what your culture is that must have taken quite a bit of control to not jump up and down.

I am too polite to ask my son what kind of thank you he got in private. Some of the responses were kind and informative. Others were juvenile and rude and if I were ever to visit Thailand I would gladly meet those few and discuss it one on one.

It is my hope she is what she appears to be. However the fact my son has also purchased some expensive gifts for her family and now they want him to buy them a house is a concern. Hopefully she has fallen far from the tree. We shall see.

For those kind enough to provide kind words and some guidance thank you. For those of you who chose to be defensive in misreading my original post. You do a disservice to this and any forum you choose to lurk in.

Your son is spending too much on his lady, expensive gifts and stuff will get you in trouble no matter what race the girl is. Is he much older then her ? if so then I see trouble

[sokal]

I must admit for a $13,000 brand new 2009 Rio sedan ya I expected more than a thank you. I don't care what your culture is that must have taken quite a bit of control to not jump up and down.

As a Thai, I can tell you that if someone gave me a 13K Rio I would not be jumping up or down.

For a BMW, Mercedes, or Audi maybe. Oh, and a Ducati.

hi-so man gets his 2 cents in..

[Briggsy]

Can she drive? If so, where did she learn? Does she have a valid driving licence to drive in the States? How did she obtain it?

[pardsie]

Can she drive? If so, where did she learn? Does she have a valid driving licence to drive in the States? How did she obtain it?

My wife and I taught her with our car. She had a Thai license which was at best worthless. Not sure what kind of test Thailand does but it cannot be too difficult. She could not park or back up. Still not good at backing up. We took her to what we call the registry of motor vehicles and she took the eye test and the written test and got her learners permit. Then we practiced 3 to 4 times a week for couple months. Then back to the registry again for the road test with a registry officer who passed her and she got her license.

Somehow I went from a stable senior citizen to white hair and 20 lbs less. dam_n scary riding with zero experience.

[kelboy]

Hi,

it sounds like she's getting very spoilt

and you no what happens to kids that

get spoilt.I hope you have a lot of

money,your going to need it.

WATCH OUT...

Khirimart4

[bina]

its ok, i cant park or back up either. i leave that to my thai husband w/o licsence. he does it much better. comes from driving pickups in country areas, more experience...

then again, my son does it better then me also.

maybe parking and backing up are just women driving things and not thai.?

[MJP]

I must admit for a $13,000 brand new 2009 Rio sedan ya I expected more than a thank you. I don't care what your culture is that must have taken quite a bit of control to not jump up and down.

As a Thai, I can tell you that if someone gave me a 13K Rio I would not be jumping up or down.

For a BMW, Mercedes, or Audi maybe. Oh, and a Ducati.

Well mush, no one ever gave me anything past the age of 16. You ungrateful . . . .

Are you really Thai?

[toybits]

When a Thai woman gets married to a Thai man, it would not be unusual to be given gifts that are really expensive - that is if the couple comes from a wealthy family. Children of business tycoons could be given multi-million dollar gifts. . . yeah whatever...

No your daughter-in-law is not being ungreatful. She is just being Thai.

[tooninthai]

Unless she is from a relatively rich Thai family all the more expensive items she has been bought would have been earned and paid for over a long time. Cars are expensive here. Houses can be expensive also (for a Thai, remembering many still do live in tin huts out in the country).

If this Thai lady is being showered with gifts she will likely never really appreciate their true value. Better to take time in these matters than have a spoilt woman on your hands IMHO.

As to showing emotion on receipt of gifts I find many Thai people are more apt to look at the price tag first and here in Thailand her friends and relatives would be asking 'How Much did THAT cost?'. Then if the gifts are of decent value she will have more 'face'. So until she understands their real value, she will smile and say thank you.

As an aside, I ask Thai friends and family to remove the price tags as I tell them it does not matter if the gift costs 1 Baht or 1 million Baht. It is the thought that counts - for me

Best of luck to the pair of them

[MJP]

I must admit for a $13,000 brand new 2009 Rio sedan ya I expected more than a thank you. I don't care what your culture is that must have taken quite a bit of control to not jump up and down.

As a Thai, I can tell you that if someone gave me a 13K Rio I would not be jumping up or down.

For a BMW, Mercedes, or Audi maybe. Oh, and a Ducati.

Well mush, no one ever gave me anything past the age of 16. You ungrateful . . . .

Are you really Thai?

Think you have a point there, me, 15 onwards, bike car, worked for it.

Nobody anywhere really values anything unless they've worked for it.

[F1fanatic]

Nobody anywhere really values anything unless they've worked for it.

Be fair, she has 'worked' for it.

[plachon]

Can she drive? If so, where did she learn? Does she have a valid driving licence to drive in the States? How did she obtain it?

My wife and I taught her with our car. She had a Thai license which was at best worthless. Not sure what kind of test Thailand does but it cannot be too difficult. She could not park or back up. Still not good at backing up. We took her to what we call the registry of motor vehicles and she took the eye test and the written test and got her learners permit. Then we practiced 3 to 4 times a week for couple months. Then back to the registry again for the road test with a registry officer who passed her and she got her license.

Somehow I went from a stable senior citizen to white hair and 20 lbs less. dam_n scary riding with zero experience.

It was probably dam_n scary for your daughter-in-law too, being taught by her over-protective f-in-l who doesn't seem to have much faith in her and expects some great show of emotion for every gift given. Maybe she just needs more space with her husband.

FYI, you're lucky to get even a smile and thank-you, as many Thais I know don't do "thank yous" at all. They do however show gratitude in other ways, sometimes quite oblique.

[MJP]

Nobody anywhere really values anything unless they've worked for it.

Be fair, she has 'worked' for it.

[sucks air through teeth] . . . owwww . . . hmmmm . . . ahhhhh . . . . ummmm . . . .

Dunno on that point, dude?

We all buy our families stuff. (Let's not go there).

Which reminds me, I must get our kid a new load of books. Toys and presents are for Birthdays/Xmas only.