Losing Your Temper Over Little Things

[mucker]

Don't know if this is the right forum, if not the mods will move it.

I've noticed recently that I'm losing my temper over little things that get my knickers in a twist. People not knowing how to do their jobs, or some over officious little plonker that can interpret a rule several ways but decides to do the way that will make the most trouble for me (just today). How do you keep your cool?

I'm almost at the point of getting medication because I'm losing it daily, with shopkeepers, the wife, at work, people dithering, etc. In fact, I lost my temper last night, then again today. Had to drop the missus at home because of it and go for a drive back to work. Punched the cupboards when I got here, haha. It seems I can't listen to people talk shit anymore. Is it my age?

I want to be clear though, it is my problem. I seem to steam up after listening to anyone for about 30 seconds, and I then make the situation confrontational. I want to stop doing this, I'm sure I'm blowing things out of proportion and I'll end up having a heart attack.

Any advice?

[bifftastic]

Ok, without knowing the specifics of your life I would suggest that, maybe there are things you need to let go of. Life can, sometimes, add small amounts of stress every day and then you reach close to 'boiling point' (which you seem to have done) and then, the slightest thing can tip you over.

If I were you, I'd make a point of having some alone time for yourself, every day, use it to take stock of the everyday 'ingredients' in your life, there must be some things that have slipped in there and that really make you angry but you haven't really spotted them.

Maybe you're the kind of person who thinks you should be able to 'handle' things and find yourself banging your head against a wall because some things cannot be 'handled'.

Again, without knowing your life details this is speculation.

You need to talk with yourself and re-organise your life. Just putting your head down and ploughing through, come what may, is what a lot of people in the west do and it leads to a lot of the stress-related illnesses that we suffer from.

I think it's also very important to try and talk with your wife about it. You may find (I hope you do) that an honest re-assessment of day-to-day things will 'let some air' into your life.

It's all about perception, if you perceive the 'stuff' that happens to anger you is directed at you personally, then it will anger you. It's your reaction to it that leads to your anger. You cannot change the world, it will always contain frustrating elements, but they are only frustrating if you expect them to be different. If there are things that you have to do that really wind you up, it may be, that the best thing to do is to stop doing them all together.

I have had a lot of things happen to me in the last couple of years, good, bad and indifferent, my life now is completely different to what it was. I wouldn't say it's better or worse, it's just different.

I'm not saying that I know all the answers but I think a healthy dose of 'ah <deleted>*k it, who cares! I'm alive, my wife/g/f/dog/cat/goldfish etc. loves me, I think I'm a good person' and a smile helps to develop a happier sense of well-being.

Edited July 11, 2010 by bifftastic

[ronz28]

Get more sleep.

[Tonto21]

Sound like stress!

Stress! Yes I know her well; The overwhelming urge to reach out and shake the living shit out of some Git and all the time trying to maintain an air of indifference to all onlookers! You don’t say how old you are? Do you have something you have to address but keep putting off? If so, just tackle any problems head on…. Or move on. Job done! Excises! Great stress reliever. IMHO you should sort it out, soon as! You might give yourself a stroke…………..Or maybe someone else will! Good luck.

[pluto_manibo]

Physical exercise tends to help a lot. Maybe wake up earlier and go for a run. It will have several benefits, it will release endorphins, give you time to think, make you fitter, make you calmer throughout the day. Weight training will also release the pent up frustration and anger. There are many other ways like Yoga, Tai Chi , spiritual approaches, boxing etc...but this one works for me. You will feel much calmer and be more patient with the people around you.

[dumball]

There is a small possibility that you have a tendency toward Bipolarism , this can come to the surface in middle age , what you are describing may not be your anger as it appears to you , as that is a normal response to sudden confrontation , what seems to be , in anger . The electrical impulses in your brain that transmits information , can 'Misfire' and hit the wrong receptor causing what to all intents and purposes , is anger , you have no control over these types of reactions , your brain tells you what to do , if it misfires , you generate the wrong response .

With Bipolarism , you live on a kind of wave that takes you up and down through periods of depression and anger with normal levels in between , if this is what your problem is , it is not easily controllable of your own accord , try as you might you cannot tell your brain what to do with this condition , if the depressive stages are somewhat minor , you can be prescribed LITHIUM to control the manic stages .

Should you also have the depressive condition as well as the manic that are both fairly new to your normal demeanor , you would be wise to get tested , the manic can become quite violent without being conciously aware of what is going on , I know , I have been there and it is not at all funny . The major problem is that the people around you will only perceive you as a violent person , this may not be the case , but it can cause unneccessary problems in your life that you have no way of controlling .

[Ulysses G.]

I realized long ago that my difficulties in Thailand are not used caused by Thais, but caused by my own lack of ability to speak the language well. I get upset all the time because the simplest thing can be difficult because of the wrong tone or a word that I do not know. Mostly, I try to get a Thai to do things for me if it is something important or call someone to interpret if I can not communicate well.

I get frustrated all the time, but it is my own fault for not studying more than a few years and avoiding studying more now when it should be much easier to learn after so many years of only basic Thai language skills.

[mucker]

Thanks guys, all good ideas. Definitely have to exercise more, trying, but a back injury has stopped me for the last couple of weeks Yes, I'm pretty stressed at the minute, work, study, baby on the way, visas, family etc. It's all landing in my lap and I'm finding it difficult to time manage. Also small arguments with the wife that are adding to the above.

Bifftastic, I'm going to read your post agin at my leisure and try to smile a bit more, and not sweat the small stuff. Cheers guys.

[mucker]

Dumball, I think you might have hit the nail on the head. When I'm listening to someone talk and I feel the situation is out of my control or 'unfair' the anger urge is completely involuntary. It's like the proverbial red mist and I can feel my blood pressure rising and my ability to react in a normal conversation is seriously hampered. I misread conversational cues all the time and take things far too seriously. I'm under control enough not to strike people, but I've had enough talks with shyer and gentle people (normal people) to be aware they consider me to have a violent tendency. The misfiring, depression, and wave comments seem to be quite appropriate remarks in my case.

Lithium, hmm. Seriously, is that available? Do I need a prescription for that? How would that make me appear to other people, would I be 'monged out'? Would I be able to operate on a day to day basis?

[TheLaughingMan]

I find swift and rapid overhand punches into my own groin calms me right down, hope this helps.

[Chonburiram]

Exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, healthy diet ( To much caffeine? ), enough night sleep etc. are for sure good advice.

Maybe you should also change your mind settings: Learn to laugh about yourself; and never expect anything from others/ your environment, so you can't be unpleasant surprised.

Important things do by yourself.

Divorce the wife .

Edit: Just read, Baby on the way... forget the last advice .

Edited July 11, 2010 by Chonburiram

[mucker]

Overhand punch into the groin? Do you suspend yourself from the ceiling to do this? Too much work for me.

[yabaaaa]

Don't know if this is the right forum, if not the mods will move it.

I've noticed recently that I'm losing my temper over little things that get my knickers in a twist. People not knowing how to do their jobs, or some over officious little plonker that can interpret a rule several ways but decides to do the way that will make the most trouble for me (just today). How do you keep your cool?

I'm almost at the point of getting medication because I'm losing it daily, with shopkeepers, the wife, at work, people dithering, etc. In fact, I lost my temper last night, then again today. Had to drop the missus at home because of it and go for a drive back to work. Punched the cupboards when I got here, haha. It seems I can't listen to people talk shit anymore. Is it my age?

I want to be clear though, it is my problem. I seem to steam up after listening to anyone for about 30 seconds, and I then make the situation confrontational. I want to stop doing this, I'm sure I'm blowing things out of proportion and I'll end up having a heart attack.

Any advice?

The inner me keeps telling the outer me all people are idiots, stupid, selfish etc, its worked for 47 years.

[moe666]

Ok, without knowing the specifics of your life I would suggest that, maybe there are things you need to let go of. Life can, sometimes, add small amounts of stress every day and then you reach close to 'boiling point' (which you seem to have done) and then, the slightest thing can tip you over.

If I were you, I'd make a point of having some alone time for yourself, every day, use it to take stock of the everyday 'ingredients' in your life, there must be some things that have slipped in there and that really make you angry but you haven't really spotted them.

Maybe you're the kind of person who thinks you should be able to 'handle' things and find yourself banging your head against a wall because some things cannot be 'handled'.

Again, without knowing your life details this is speculation.

You need to talk with yourself and re-organise your life. Just putting your head down and ploughing through, come what may, is what a lot of people in the west do and it leads to a lot of the stress-related illnesses that we suffer from.

I think it's also very important to try and talk with your wife about it. You may find (I hope you do) that an honest re-assessment of day-to-day things will 'let some air' into your life.

It's all about perception, if you perceive the 'stuff' that happens to anger you is directed at you personally, then it will anger you. It's your reaction to it that leads to your anger. You cannot change the world, it will always contain frustrating elements, but they are only frustrating if you expect them to be different. If there are things that you have to do that really wind you up, it may be, that the best thing to do is to stop doing them all together.

I have had a lot of things happen to me in the last couple of years, good, bad and indifferent, my life now is completely different to what it was. I wouldn't say it's better or worse, it's just different.

I'm not saying that I know all the answers but I think a healthy dose of 'ah <deleted>*k it, who cares! I'm alive, my wife/g/f/dog/cat/goldfish etc. loves me, I think I'm a good person' and a smile helps to develop a happier sense of well-being.

Agree with this totally. You appear to be suffering from a lot of stress, stress can cause a lot of problems one simple thing you may want to try is some B-12. Stress can cause the sheaf that covers the nerves to fray and B-12 can help to repair this. Try it B-12 very cheap and if it helps you will notice in a fee days.

I would not take lithuim unless you have seem a Dr. and you have the proper diagnoises. Just sounds like stress and give some of the suggestion from above a try very good info.

[sarahsbloke]

When I feel a temper tantrum coming on, I go into town for a few beers.

By the time I come back I have calmed down, so nothing bad done to wife or family.

When in a bad mood avoid the ones you love, then no big problems occure.

I consider that I can have PMT for men, when it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.

Just learn to control it so that it is not directed at your loved ones.

Sorry guys, that was a bit too touchy feely for my normal posts.

Edited July 11, 2010 by sarahsbloke

[IanForbes]

It is hard for me to relate because I seldom get angry. And, when I do I turn cold, calculating and evil. Knowing that about myself I try to stay away from people who make me angry.

Like others here, I think anger is brought on by stress. and the stress is caused by something entirely different than what is causing the anger. With me it's when someone opens up old wounds that I've kept burried since I was a child. I hate bullies with a passion and anytime I see a bully my neck gets red and I'm too willing to stomp the person.

One thing that completely turned my life around and put me in an almost enlightened state of mind, was to constantly tell myself how great life is and only look at the positive. I can turn almost anything into a positive, learning experience. If it hasn't killed me I accept any accident as a warning for the future and make sure it doesn't happen again. Even things that might initially look bad at the time will often turn out to be a blessing in the future..

If someone else is a jerk I don't get angry, I just laugh at them and take it all as a big joke. It's THEIR problem, not mine. They have to live with their own miserable life. I can go on enjoying mine.

[cobra]

A bit simplistic, but like mom said, just hold your breath and count to ten,

I do know that heat and alcohol compromises my ability to remain calm and rational,

[greasemonkey]

Make sure you know who your friends are, become immune to what others think of you, and next time someone winds you up, YELL AT THEM!!!!!

It seems to work for me. Trouble is people think im a volotile nutcase when really Im a soft little puddy tat....

Caffeine, sugar, the shit they put in soft drinks, especially sugar free ones, chocolate, all put me on edge.

People who dont move fast enough, people who stare at me, people who talk to slow, people who think im volotile, all put me over the edge.......

The only thing that kept me in control was tobbaco, and I cant smoke that any longer coz i cant breathe properly.

Best of luck.

[kunash]

i use to get road rage every now and then. i was quite angry at other drivers. then one day i saw someone who was having a road rage incident. i thought he looked an idiot. from that day i thought i didnt want to be like that, so i am now completely chilled behind the wheel. the queue of traffic isnt going to move any faster by shouting. it is also unhealthy to be stressed. sleep is important i think and the ability to laugh at oneself. when i am in England i ltry and lead a stress free life. thailand stresses me out more than the Uk does.

[roamer]

Lithium ? No way to go. If the other advise doesn't work for you, and its certainly better if it does, there are far more less drastic alternatives than Lithium. The feeling that your working yourself up to a heart attack and the other symptoms you describe might well indicate you would probably benefit with a simple beta blocker,Propanolol 75 mg for example. For many people with the symptoms you describe its sufficient, if it calms you after an hour or so then unless you already have low blood pressure there are few contradictions to stop you from trying it to see if it works for you.

[chiangmaibruce]

All good advice. Certainly exercise, cutting down on coffee ... the only thing I would add is a daily tablet of St Johns Wort ... a herb that's been around for 000's years ... some brands are stronger than others (look at the fine print on the label) ... get the strong ones. Some people get marked relief, other nothing ... no side effects so the worst that can happen is more of the same.

[Richb2004v2]

I'd say that you're problem is that you are living in Thailand and have not yet been here long enough to turn native. Once you have you will probably find all is well and those things that drove you mad no longer matter. You'll start wearing yellow T-shirts, a rubber wrist band and a large charm round you neck, and ride a scooter with you wife and three kids on it around town.

[kunash]

i use to get road rage every now and then. i was quite angry at other drivers. then one day i saw someone who was having a road rage incident. i thought he looked an idiot. from that day i thought i didnt want to be like that, so i am now completely chilled behind the wheel. the queue of traffic isnt going to move any faster by shouting. it is also unhealthy to be stressed. sleep is important i think and the ability to laugh at oneself. when i am in England i ltry and lead a stress free life. thailand stresses me out more than the Uk does.

[theoldgit]

I've noticed recently that I'm losing my temper over little things that get my knickers in a twist. People not knowing how to do their jobs, or some over officious little plonker that can interpret a rule several ways but decides to do the way that will make the most trouble for me (just today). How do you keep your cool?

I'm almost at the point of getting medication because I'm losing it daily, with shopkeepers, the wife, at work, people dithering,

Thanks for posting this, I was begining to think it was only me that had this problem.

[bifftastic]

now that you've posted a bit more information, ie. baby on the way, visa stuff etc. I reckon the most likely thing is that your anger is a reaction to fear (bear with me on this )

It's part of an evolved 'fight or flight' instinct, when a challenging situation arises, as a single male you can do one of two things. You can face the challenge head on, win or lose it doesn't matter, you're only putting yourself at risk. Or, you can duck out of it, again, it's only your own loss.

Now you're in a situation where other people, one yet to be born, are relying on you, it's possible that you feel trapped because, sub-consciously, you feel that you no longer have this choice (fight or flight). Maybe the anger you're feeling stems from this sub-conscious feeling.

You need to know that you will be a good father/husband, trust yourself more. Do the things you can do and the rest will follow. Express yourself, talk with your wife, tell her you love her (at least once a day). Take time to enjoy the things around you. This will help you feel more part of a partnership and less like a 'lone warrior' taking on the world.

I'm assuming you moved to Thailand for some very good reasons, remind yourself of them as often as you can. It's easy to say but you need to make a deliberate point of looking at everything good around you every day, smile to yourself, look in the mirror and tell yourself 'you lucky man'. Every day there will be boring tedious, pain-in-the-arse things you need to get done, but after they're done, or not (depending on the <deleted> that seem to appear as if by magic to frustrate you!) take it easy, smile and laugh with your wife, breathe

I recently met up with a very good friend of mine who I hadn't seen for about 6 years. His life has already been liberally sprinkled with what anyone would regard as very bad luck.

His ex-wife cheated on him, left him to bring up 2 kids alone, his son has a severe food allergy and requires a special diet, his house was almost taken from him, there's more but let's just say he's been through the mill.

Always with a smile on his face and a joke to share, he has a 'thing' he does. He tells me of things that have happened to him and shrugs his shoulders, then makes a motion with his hand as if brushing dust from his shoulder.

So, I bump into him and ask him, innocently, 'so, what's been happening in your life then?'

'Oh, the usual' he says, 'I've had 2 more kids, living in a different house, different part of town etc. etc.' 'oh and I've got MS, spent 2 years in and out of hospital, nearly died, couldn't walk for 6 months' (he told me this on the dance floor of a club in London by the way!). Then he did the 'brush it off' move, came back from the bar with some free drinks he'd managed to wangle, and smiled.

Life changes, but take the time to enjoy it, cos you only get one (that I'm aware of).

Relax, brother, relax.

And stay off the Lithium (also known as 'shuffle medicine' cos that's all you can do) it only masks the symptoms so it benefits everyone else but not you.

My posts are long but sometimes worth reading

All the best mate, feel free to pm me if you like too.

Cheers

Biff

[Loz]

Not for nothing, familarise yourself with the story of the Zen master and the little boy.

All the answers are contained in this brief but illuminating text.

If that fails, I suggest the Serenity Prayer.

[Phil Conners]

You should in any case check your blood pressure. That may well be high and in that case Pronolol is a shoe-in. 75mg is a lot, perhaps 25mg/day to start with, but discuss this with a doc. (and not one of the Thai clinics, try a real doc from a hospital or a farang doc if there is one near you.)

[dumball]

In no way did I even suggest the OP go on Lithium , I said "you can be PRESRIBED it" , I also mentioned getting tested if he feels the need , I dislike medication of any kind unless it is absolutly a neccessity for my survival , too many side effects that are often worse than the original condition , Having had two heart attacks , I came off medication and its debilitating side effects by changing life-style and what goes in my mouth , i.e. food , I have been living a normal life for over five years since making those changes .

Vitimin B12 was recommended , I have taken B complex for many years , good for many things that could ail you , especialy if you are a drinker , it is probably the only vitimin you cannot over use , the exess to the bodies requirement goes out with your urine . The only other thing I take is Advil for my occassianal old age aches and pains , I am 77 years old and still enjoy sex on a daily basis with a very contented wife , most likely achieving better results than many half my age , surveys have shown that 25% of men start to lose IT at 40 and it goes down hill from then on .

Many other suggestions on this thread are very good for ones general health also , I added my thoughts to help paint a broader panorama of possibilities for the OP , mental health can go awry and leave the affected quite distraut , it is not a condition to be toyed with , met and talked to many people with varients of this condition . Good luck with whatever you discover is the root cause of your present problems .

[bonobo]

I have always been amazed that while Thais can get angry over what I feel are trivial things, they can also take many things calmly which would drive me bonkers. Of course, part of that is cultural.  But if a foreigner embraces part of the Thai culture, can that work?

I was invited to go listen to a talk given Saturday night  by an English Buddhist monk who is an abbot at a monastery  in Australia. Part of that talk was a 30 minute guided meditation.  I am not advocating anything here, and I have not been a guy too into meditation and such, but I have to admit, it did have a pretty dramatic calming effect on me.  So for those who advocate meditation as a means to reduce stress, I would have to say there might be something to it.

For me, exercise is my stress-reducer of choice, but maybe meditation has a valid place in reducing stress and outbursts of anger.

[Samuian]

I have always been amazed that while Thais can get angry over what I feel are trivial things, they can also take many things calmly which would drive me bonkers. Of course, part of that is cultural.  But if a foreigner embraces part of the Thai culture, can that work?

I was invited to go listen to a talk given Saturday night  by an English Buddhist monk who is an abbot at a monastery  in Australia. Part of that talk was a 30 minute guided meditation.  I am not advocating anything here, and I have not been a guy too into meditation and such, but I have to admit, it did have a pretty dramatic calming effect on me.  So for those who advocate meditation as a means to reduce stress, I would have to say there might be something to it.

For me, exercise is my stress-reducer of choice, but maybe meditation has a valid place in reducing stress and outbursts of anger.

Seconded!

Change you life, diet, intake, stay away from alcohol, caffeine... exercise and take the above to heart!

You don't have to believe in anything, just do it!

After all it's YOUR life.... and this day is the first day of the rest of YOUR life!

A good therapist/psychologist, might of help too.... if you can handle this... your tension might be caused by several things.. and talking about it is sometimes half the merchandise!