Getting Old Is Not For The Weak

[alvino]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's

permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to

take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up

and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards

on, the class was over.

------------------------------------------

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is

the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

------------------------------------------

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very

elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

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A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my

sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is

all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it

lowered!"

-------------------------------------------

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her

final requests. She told her lawyer she had two final requests. First, she

wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over

Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales?" the lawyer exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

-------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost

me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

" Twelve thirty."

-------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few

days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous

young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're

really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be

cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.

Be careful'"

--------------------------------------------

And last,

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't

hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications

that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with

dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,

can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank

God, I still have my driver's license!

[daleyboy]

:D :cheesy:

[mnoorsapl]

lol...

[ayakiawe]

better jokes for the Thai visa gang

>What do men do after sex?

>

>

>2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get

>up and go back home to their wives.

>___________________________________________________________________

>

>Why is your penis better than a credit card?

>

>a) Once spent it recharges itself.

> It is accepted worldwide.

>c) You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

>

>________________________________________________________

>A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.

>The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?

>MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

>

>===================================

>

>A girl goes up to a guy in a bar and says: You want to play magic.

>He says: What is that?

>She says: We go home, screw, and then you disappear.

>

>_______________________________________________________________

>

>Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?

>

>Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say, "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR

>PUSSY".

>

>________________________________________________________________

>

>What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?

>

>Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you

>pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.

>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And

>if he touches your pussy say STOP!

>

>GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"

>

>===================================

>

>GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES

>

>9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!

>7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven

>6 INCHES - OH PERFECT

>5 INCHES - UMMMM OK I GUESS

>4 INCHES - ######

>3 INCHES - THIS IS AN EVIL JOKE

>2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!!

[A. BOOZER]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape....................

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

"Wot? Me!"