Are You Sure This Is What Your Girlfriend Wants?

[Tompa]

I’ll probably receive a lot of stick for this but I still think it’s an important topic to discuss.

So many people meet a girl on their holiday and fall in love. Next thing you know, he wants to ship her over to the UK or wherever. How many of you take into consideration the strong family ties Thai’s have, the extreme change in culture, different food, language barriers etc before you make the decision to get your girl to your home country? Sure you ask the girl, but many are from extremely poor backgrounds and simply wouldn’t say no even though they really don’t want to move.

I’ve been together with my girlfriend for more than 6 years and met her after I moved to Thailand. While we have been on holiday in my home country, I would never ask her to move there as I know how hard it would be for her to adjust.

I’m sure there’s thousands of happy couples out there but just some food for thought…..

[Tokker]

Indeed, I met my wife 2,5 years ago and we've lived in Belgium for a year. In october we're moving to Thailand because she simply can't handle living in B. Especially the food turned out to be a big problem. For me moving to Thailand is no problem as I've always liked the idea of living abroad, especially in a warm and amazing country like Thailand, but if you are not willing to consider moving there, then think again before you take the next step.

[zaz]

Although I don't have a Thai girlfriend either here in the UK or in Thailand I don't think it would be the same if I brought her back home. Being in Thailand is just so nice and I think it would add that sparkle to the relationship if I stayed there. I guess it shouldn't really matter anyway if you're in love, but, it would make a difference.

I think in any case the girl should have a short stay/holiday in the boyfriends home country and be given a choice. There is quite a cultural difference which in my opinion it would be more difficult for a Thai to cope with the change to Western than a Westerner to cope with a change to Thai...?

[coldcrush]

Some people are just meant to be together, whether it be Thailand, UK or the moon...

As for adjusting to different culture etc, we all have to do sometimes what we dont like. Feelings have to be considered, but sometimes the rattling of the money filling up the bank is important

[CarlBkk]

Fundamentally I think you're right, although there are several types of Thais out there...some of which are more Westernised than others. I see the common sight of young, uneducated Thai girls married in my home country who certainly get bored with the lifestyle pretty quickly after the dream of living in a nice house wears off. Add to that the fact they'll find it very difficult to make local friends or get a decent job unless their husband sets them up.

On the other side you have the students and more worldly-wise group who adore the freedom of living away from home (my Thai staff are in this category). They extend visas, get bfs, go clubbing, shop, happy with Thai and Western food and generally enjoy life independently.

My wife has travelled to Europe 3 times on holiday and business but never really wished to stay longer than a few weeks. I don't blame her really cos I agree..."nice for summer holidays, but that's about it".

[chonabot]

I’ll probably receive a lot of stick for this but I still think it’s an important topic to discuss.

So many people meet a girl on their holiday and fall in love. Next thing you know, he wants to ship her over to the UK or wherever. How many of you take into consideration the strong family ties Thai’s have, the extreme change in culture, different food, language barriers etc before you make the decision to get your girl to your home country? Sure you ask the girl, but many are from extremely poor backgrounds and simply wouldn’t say no even though they really don’t want to move.

I’ve been together with my girlfriend for more than 6 years and met her after I moved to Thailand. While we have been on holiday in my home country, I would never ask her to move there as I know how hard it would be for her to adjust.

I’m sure there’s thousands of happy couples out there but just some food for thought…..

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Give your lady more credit , I am sure she could adjust if needs be. My wife had a hard time for the first 6 months but is loving life in the UK now. It's amazing how much your help can be to her, adjusting is part of the human condition.

She has been here over 8 years and our sons are doing great.

Edited August 9, 2005 by chonabot

[Tompa]

I’m sure your right – if push comes to shove than I’m sure she would eventually adapt to life in Sweden. But why would I want to make her adapt?

I love it in Thailand and look forward to spend the rest of our lives in Thailand. I love Sweden too, but it’s just to bloody cold! Great to go on holiday’s during the summer to catch up with family and friends but that's about it

Zaz said a good thing, bring your girlfriend over for a ‘trial’ period to she if she likes it or not. You can then make the final call on whether you want her to move to your country, or you move to Thailand.

[mrbojangles]

Zaz said a good thing, bring your girlfriend over for a ‘trial’ period to she if she likes it or not. You can then make the final call on whether you want her to move to your country, or you move to Thailand.

It's a very sensible question Tompa and i don't think you'll get any stick. It's a question i think all of us should ask before thinking of bringing the GF/Wife over.

Zaz made a good point, but sometimes trial periods don't make you work hard enough to give it a good go. It's a sort of an opt out route. Although i'm not saying there shouldn't be one.

As for me, hopefully, my wife will be coming to the UK at the end of Sept. I've done all sorts to try and make it as easy as possible for her. After talking to many people, they all agreed that missing the food was number one priority. I have now found several places in Manchester to satisfy her need for the "Hot Stuff" I have told her she can Telephone Thailand, all day long if she wants. With so many companies offering 1p and 2p per minute this is no main obstacle like it was before.

Boredom can play a big part and so if she wants to start a part-time or full-time job, i have one lined up for her already. This will help with companionship, meeting new friends, learning better English and if she wants to she can send the money over to her mum and dad.

I also go to a Thai Buddhist Temple every saturday to learn Thai. I will take her with me at first so she can meet other Thai's and talk but it will be upto her if she wants to continue going. We Westerners sometimes seem to think that if we can find her a Thai person, any Thai, then that will do for companionship. Wrong, just the same as i wouldn't like to be landed with any English man, it's better to choose your own friends.

IMHO for what it's worth.

MrBoJ

[daveh]

No matter what, if you marry a Thai, someone will have to make a big adjustment. I think you are implying it is more difficult for Thai women to adjust because of their strong family ties, and this may be true. The decision on where to live should be made together. Look at your life goals and decide where best to live.

For me, I suppose the most important factor was where would it be best to raise a family. This breaks down into how well my wife and I can support a family, and what would be best for the children. As for support, hands down, Farangland wins. With my skills, it was much easier for me to get a great high paying job in the States than in Thailand.

While in Thailand, I had a American woman who has lived there for 30+ years tell me NEVER to raise farang children in Thailand. The racism is a great deal of grief to put a child through. Also, unless you are willing to pay the big bucks, the educational system is not that good.

So having decided that it would be best to raise a family in Farangland than Thailand, that left me with three options: don't marry, marry a Thai woman that does not want a family, or marry a Thai lady willing to make the sacrafice.

If you and your GF have incompatible goals, then marriage should not even be talked about.

[meelousee]

I’ll probably receive a lot of stick for this but I still think it’s an important topic to discuss.

So many people meet a girl on their holiday and fall in love. Next thing you know, he wants to ship her over to the UK or wherever. How many of you take into consideration the strong family ties Thai’s have, the extreme change in culture, different food, language barriers etc before you make the decision to get your girl to your home country? Sure you ask the girl, but many are from extremely poor backgrounds and simply wouldn’t say no even though they really don’t want to move.

I’ve been together with my girlfriend for more than 6 years and met her after I moved to Thailand. While we have been on holiday in my home country, I would never ask her to move there as I know how hard it would be for her to adjust.

I’m sure there’s thousands of happy couples out there but just some food for thought…..

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The sure fire way to screw up a good relationship is to marry it.

This is not rocket science it is experience, the girls will hate me for this but it is the TRUTH

[penelope]

No matter what, if you marry a Thai, someone will have to make a big adjustment. I think you are implying it is more difficult for Thai women to adjust because of their strong family ties, and this may be true. The decision on where to live should be made together. Look at your life goals and decide where best to live.

For me, I suppose the most important factor was where would it be best to raise a family. This breaks down into how well  my wife and I can support a family, and what would be best for the children. As for support, hands down, Farangland wins.  With my skills, it was much easier for me to get a great high paying job in the States than in Thailand.

While in Thailand, I had a American woman who has lived there for 30+ years tell me NEVER to raise farang children in Thailand. The racism is a great deal of grief to put a child through. Also, unless you are willing to pay the big bucks, the educational system is not that good.

So having decided that it would be best to raise a family in Farangland than Thailand, that left me with three options: don't marry, marry a Thai woman that does not want a family, or marry a Thai lady willing to make the sacrafice.

If you and your GF have incompatible goals, then marriage should not even be talked about.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I prefer the lifestyle of maintaing dual residences in the west and thailand, with the freedom to come and go between the 2 as you wish.You get the best of both worlds.This lifestlye doesn't happen overnite, but with foresite and planning it is easily acheivable.We do it between Sydney and Bangkok.So used to the flight it is like going to the corner shop for some Singha water.

[bangbuathongben]

Hi Tompa,

I wish I had the oportunity to just up and go and live in Thailand. From what you have said in your posts you have made it sound like anyone can do it! I personally cant! Not through not wanting to, I just simply dont have the funds or a job offer here. I have been traveling back and forth to Thailand for many years now to see my lady. We finally decided to get married last year, and today have given the forms in for her settlement visa. I am sure "she doesnt want to go" to the Uk, but just wants to spend her life with me, in Uk Thailand or wherever. I personally would prefer to live in Thailand definatley! But unfortunatley do not have a silver spoon hanging from my mouth! Do you think it really matters where you live if you are in love, and want to spend the rest of your life together????

Bang........

[CarlBkk]

Hi Tompa,

I wish I had the oportunity to just up and go and live in Thailand. From what you have said in your posts you have made it sound like anyone can do it! I personally cant! Not through not wanting to, I just simply dont have the funds or a job offer here. I have been traveling back and forth to Thailand for many years now to see my lady. We finally decided to get married last year, and today have given the forms in for her settlement visa. I am sure "she doesnt want to go" to the Uk, but just wants to spend her life with me, in Uk Thailand or wherever. I personally would prefer to live in Thailand definatley! But unfortunatley do not have a silver spoon hanging from my mouth! Do you think it really matters where you live if you are in love, and want to spend the rest of your life together????

Bang........

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think it does, yes. Being in love is one thing...but living somewhere you're not comfortable and then trying to be happy, and in a happy relationship is difficult. But it's always worth a try - keep the option open for her to plan living in Thailand or somewhere else if she's desperately unhappy in 6 months to a year.

If your gf/wife has to deal with boredom, inaccessibility (no driving), loneliness, coldness and the unavailability of real Thai food then sooner or later it'll affect her mood and then your relationship. Some are less sensitive to these factors, but I think most are. I've come into contact with so many of them. Even if your wife had an office job in Thailand, it will be difficult to get a similar level job in the UK, rendering her self-esteem low and social circle small.

You don't have to have a silver spoon to get into gear and change your lifestyle Ben. If someone really wants to make the change and move to Thailand they will overcome the obstacles by lowering their standards, upping their skills, applying for 10 jobs per day, starting their own business or selling assets back at home.

[bangbuathongben]

Carl, do you live in Thailand? If so I would be very interested in what you do here. I have been coming to Thailand for many years and as it says in the jobs section of TV, it is very difficult to obtain work here! Unless you have a skill which the Thais do not?? Or you have the capital to open a buisness. Any suggestions you have as to how I could live here permenantly, then I (and I imagine alot of other people on this forum) would be very pleased to hear them. And surly these things that you say would effect your relationship ie. thai food unavalible, is not as great a issue as you think. Do you not think that these issues are something that as a partnership you would work out together. As are the things you change in your lifestyle to live in Thailand.

Bang........

[Tompa]

I certainly didn’t have a silver spoon in my mouth! I came here about 7 years ago with a strong will to make it in Thailand. At first it was certainly a struggle, but within 4 months I had my shit together and found a decent job. I only made 30,000 baht/month, but it was a start. Meeting my girlfriend only made me more determined to make a decent life for ourselves in Thailand.

FYI, I’m in the Internet ecommerce business and there are certainly thousands of opportunities in that field.

There’s been some good advice given by other members on this thread. Basically take your time and give your girlfriend as much support and options as she needs. I do agree with CarlBKK that it does matter where you live. Someone earlier said that it’s much easier for a Farang to adjust to Thailand then for a Thai to adjust to Farang land – I second that!

Tompa

[bangbuathongben]

Oh I am sorry! I didnt realize that when in a relationship everything was easy! I always thought that you had to work at these things. I must have some funny ways at looking at life. I think it would make sense for me (this is a personal comment) to go back to England rather than scratching, earning 30,000 baht a month, when I could go back to England and have a better quality of life earning 140,000 baht a month. And FYI, do you think that we would have applied for the visa if we had not discussed it fully. And I think the advise given is good, but dont you think that any normal person would offer the person they love support and time automaticaly? I think 9 out of 10 people would prefer to live in LOS, otherwise this forum would not exsist. It is just not realistic, otherwise everyone would do it. I for one am jelous, but in my situation the best option is to return to Uk. If however in 6 months time she is terribly unhappy, then yes we will have to sit down and talk about it. But at the moment we are just happy for the fact we will be with each other on a perminant basis. Regardless whether there is Thai food or not!

[zaz]

Oh I am sorry! I didnt realize that when in a relationship everything was easy! I always thought that you had to work at these things. I must have some funny ways at looking at life. I think it would make sense for me (this is a personal comment) to go back to England rather than scratching, earning 30,000 baht a month, when I could go back to England and have a better quality of life earning 140,000 baht a month. And FYI, do you think that we would have applied for the visa if we had not discussed it fully. And I think the advise given is good, but dont you think that any normal person would offer the person they love support and time automaticaly? I think 9 out of 10 people would prefer to live in LOS, otherwise this forum would not exsist. It is just not realistic, otherwise everyone would do it. I for one am jelous, but in my situation the best option is to return to Uk. If however in 6 months time she is terribly unhappy, then yes we will have to sit down and talk about it. But at the moment we are just happy for the fact we will be with each other on a perminant basis. Regardless whether there is Thai food or not!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Bang, you do have a point. Earning a better living and/or being in a more steady/secure job is very important in maintaining a good relationship. If these things became an issue they would certainly put a strain on both of you. I guess from that point of view it's a better idea for the g/f to come over to the UK (or wherever) and give it a go to see how things pan out. At the same time, however, I think you should bear in mind a plan B so that if she gets bored or just cannot adjust and wants to go back to Thailand then what? In the meantime of course you can both visit LOS for holidays etc but how often depends on your financial circumstances. Would that be enough to maintain sufficient Thai time to keep the other half happy?

[Dragonman]

Oh I am sorry! I didnt realize that when in a relationship everything was easy! I always thought that you had to work at these things. I must have some funny ways at looking at life. I think it would make sense for me (this is a personal comment) to go back to England rather than scratching, earning 30,000 baht a month, when I could go back to England and have a better quality of life earning 140,000 baht a month. And FYI, do you think that we would have applied for the visa if we had not discussed it fully. And I think the advise given is good, but dont you think that any normal person would offer the person they love support and time automaticaly? I think 9 out of 10 people would prefer to live in LOS, otherwise this forum would not exsist. It is just not realistic, otherwise everyone would do it. I for one am jelous, but in my situation the best option is to return to Uk. If however in 6 months time she is terribly unhappy, then yes we will have to sit down and talk about it. But at the moment we are just happy for the fact we will be with each other on a perminant basis. Regardless whether there is Thai food or not!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

All of the thai wives of farangs in my town in UK, over a dozen, loved living in UK and enjoyed holidays in Thailand. It was me who wanted to move to Thailand with my wife. Within a short period in Uk my wife found lots of places selling thai food ( mainly chinese wholesale outlets). Some may not like it, but my experience shows the majority are happy with a settled life!

One thing I can't agree with you on is having a better quality of life on 140,000 baht in UK to 30,000 baht in Thailand. I earned 10x more than my current pension, but still manage to pay for a home, a car, a baby, 2 dogs and "donate" to my wife's family. 4x more income doesn't equate to 4x better quality of life

[CarlBkk]

Carl, do you live in Thailand? If so I would be very interested in what you do here. I have been coming to Thailand for many years and as it says in the jobs section of TV, it is very difficult to obtain work here! Unless you have a skill which the Thais do not?? Or you have the capital to open a buisness. Any suggestions you have as to how I could live here permenantly, then I (and I imagine alot of other people on this forum) would be very pleased to hear them. And surly these things that you say would effect your relationship ie. thai food unavalible, is not as great a issue as you think. Do you not think that these issues are something that as a partnership you would work out together. As are the things you change in your lifestyle to live in Thailand.

Bang........

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Bang, yes I've been living here for around 4 years. At the start I had to travel back and forth to UK every few months though, so I couldn't really call that permanent. I had been coming to Thailand for the previous 3 years on annual leave holidays. I think we've all arrived here in our different ways - mine was to get a kick up the @ss by being made redundant in London, which gave me the impetus to take a few grand, come to Bangkok and sample 6 months to see if I liked it. Several ideas went through my mind at that time, from private business English classes (still a good bet), your average English teacher (didn't fancy it), applying for IT Management jobs (my previous work, boring) or starting up my own business in the UK or Thailand to travel freely.

You're right about skills...more and more qualified foreigners want to be here...many much more qualified and experienced people than me would have been applying for those relatively few ex-pat IT Management jobs, and being in Thailand, the companies can put the bar very high (they know they have the demand). After making a few friends and contacts, I became interested in export (importing to the UK) and drew up a plan. I had the option to start a business in Thailand - capital needed, staff needed, time here needed...or in the UK where I knew the laws better, pay N.I, had a few people to help etc. Capital was minimal, the planning and setting-up took ages. It was something completely new and a risk, and for the first 6 months yes I had to stay in the UK full-time with no disposable income.

When things started to get moving I could "commute" to Thailand to select stock etc. etc. and eventually when buyers and staff were in place, I could spend a lot more time over here controlling things over the internet (I won't use the word "telecommute" because that's buzzword bullsh**).

My gf came over to visit me in the UK last year on a 6 month holiday visa, and it's horses for courses. I can only give you my personal experiences and those who I know, but the poor girl had to stay in Somerset (not the most accessible of places) with nothing much happening, no real Thai food (a few expensive synthetic thai restaurants), no friends and cold weather. Now it may be different where you live, and the summer is much nicer but we did make the most of it by travelling around the country, working at the same time at exhibitions etc. All I know is that if I had been working a 9-5 job things could have gone downhill, but we both knew our stay was temporary. It really depends on the type of girl - my gf is very traditional, unwesternised and relatively conservative. She had a job earning more than myself in BKK and to go from that to hardly being able to communicate in the UK was too much of a change. If your gf could get a 20,000 per month job here and you could get 30,000...your lifestyle would be ok in the short-term - at least you have an option if the worst comes to the worst.

[Tompa]

Just to clarify, I started at 30,000 baht/month, but within 12 months I was making over 100,000 and growing. I guess my point was that in the beginning I was happy to make some sacrifices to make a better life for myself in Thailand. As I mentioned before, there are literally thousands of opportunities in Thailand but you can of course not expect to make a fortune right away without hard work (as with any country in the world).

I do agree that it doesn’t make sense scraping by on 30,000 a month if that’s all you ever going to get (certainly not if you are raising a family).

bangbuathongben, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you guys will be as happy as you can ever be whether you stay in the UK or in Thailand.

[zaz]

I think the money worry is probably one of the biggest, if not the biggest obstacle that a guy faces in deciding whether to settle in LOS or not - for me also and for other people I know, to give up steady, well paid jobs in the UK and risk everything. However, it is nice to hear from you guys who have taken the risk and made an effort and for whom it has worked out well - good on you!

(Would welcome advice/tips though....;-))

[Tokker]

Maybe I should start a new thread about it but Tompa, it strikes me as odd, that you state that 30.000 B is sufficient to begin but not in the long run. Maybe it's not enough to live the life of the rich and famous, but it should definitely be enough to to live a modest life. From what I hear it's still 2 to 3 times as much as the average Thai salary.

There seems to be so much outrage from expats over the idea that they don't always pay the same prices as Thai (i.e. the thread about the higher Thai Airways prices for farang), but on the other hand they seem to think it's normal that their salary is 3 to 10 times more than the average Thai salary. What's up with that?

Given that the basic living expenses (food, housing, clothing) are at least 3 times cheaper than in Europe, 30.000 B would equal about 2.000 euro. After tax that's exactly what I make in Europe now. (I am not the average 50+ farang with a lifetime of professional experience and according salary...)

[zaz]

This is true Tokker. Having looked at jobs etc I am quite astounded to see such relatively low paid wages of the Thai people. If some can survive on 5000/m then 30k/m plus should be a plenty? I've read many posts here and elsewhere (usually teachers...) complaining on how little they get paid.

[bangbuathongben]

Carl,

I totally agree that it is a big culture shock that they have to undertake. And this is something that I have tried to drum into my wife's head. She is also a shy conservative type as you said your g/f is. And at the same time very nieve, but then I think the majority of Thais are, especially the ones who have never left there own country. My plan is to eventually move back to Thailand and set up a buisness, I have a few in mind. But at the moment it is putting more of a strain on our relationship being apart for 6 months of the year. As I said before "i am sure she would rather be in Thailand" but we have to give the Uk thing ago. I am sure it boils down to personal preference's. I live in Reading back home which is quite a cosmopolitan town, so hopefully she should feel a little more at home than you mentioned about your g/f. Although I dont know, It may be the case she will hate it! And I think fairplay to you and Tompa for making a go of it and obviously succeding.

Bang.........

P.S On that not does that mean either of you are going to offer me a job???

[CarlBkk]

Carl,

P.S On that not does that mean either of you are going to offer me a job???

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Not yet, but might be able to sort out some work for your gf in the UK..

[bangbuathongben]

Not yet, but might be able to sort out some work for your gf in the UK..

Is that a serious comment?

Any help would be appriciated.

As long as it aint dodgy work!!! lol

Bang........

[CarlBkk]

No dodgy stuff Bang,

Sales work with interesting products, depending on the location/market, her personality, availability and many other things. She may be capable of bigger and better things, but it's stress-free and relatively casual.

My most reliable employee is as sharp as a needle, ex Chula student in London. She's doing a good job and right now I'm setting her up (kind of like a franchise) with my products at locations local to her to see how it goes. When everything's in place and I see how it goes for a few weeks I can advertise it to others. Email me and I can explain more.

[coldcrush]

Avon Calling! Swadee Jow!

Just Kidding..

[CarlBkk]

errr yes, it is in fact Avon Darkening Lotion. I guess someone's beaten me to it

Plan G now.

[cobra]

I think what works best in the end is balance,

50% in the LOS,

50% in your homeland,

Besides keeping things fresh it shares the burdens, tribulations and joys of living in the familiar and the unfamiliar.