Communication And Compromising

[Goldenbead]

Yes he has hit me - about six times, one serious.

He just seems really angry about something..... once he had a knife at my throat and I was screaming to the neighbours and no one came. I thought I was a gonner.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I am sorry that I have no advice to give you. I can only tell you what my instincts are screaming at me.

GET OUT AND GET OUT NOW!!

From where I am sitting, it looks like you are dealing with a ticking time bomb. Protect yourself and your child and get out.

I know you weren't looking for this kind of advice but you need to re-read what you have written and ask yourself some serious questions. My thoughts are with you. I know this must be very hard.

Take good care. HUGS

[Ice Maiden]

Seonai - That is the situation with my Step-dad and mum. My mum is always living in fear and he now dosen't let her contact me anymore.

I don't think you're stupid at all. Alot of people think It's easy to get out of a relationship with domestic violence but it isn't that easy if you think/love them. But you need to start thinking about your own safety and that of you sons. I don't mean to scare you, but what if it gets too late? And he actually hurts you or your son really bad.

Shouldn't you really be discussing this with your husband? (Sorry had to ask that question) If you are too scared of him to discuss this then I'm afraid there is a problem with comunication and I believe above all this is the most important way of keeping a relationship working. If you feel you really do love him and want to give him another chance I should try comunicating with him, tell him how you feel. He may not know how much he is upsetting you, (I doubt it though). But please take care by the sounds of it you are a very nice person pleaser and a great person and like I said before you deserve so much more than him. He dosen't deserve you. Please seek help from family, friends also.

Take care

[seonai]

You are all making me want to cry now, maybe out of knowledge that things are not all well, maybe because you are showing such kindness. I didn't mean to come on the post as a sob story....... thanks guys. If there's any getting out to do it's gonna have to be him as I have my home and mt son in school here. A certain amount of stability, can't give that up right now.

Thanks all again.

Seonai

[Boo]

but living in an abusive relationship & allowing your son to witness the aftermath is stable then???

Serious question now & one I forgot to ask on Sunday;

If you tell him it's over & that he has to move out for good, will you be able to stay in the same small village as him & his friends without fear?? Or will he make your life difficult?

If the answer is the latter, I personally think you would be better to cut your losses & move elsewhere, as your job is mobile & your son has only been in school there for a few months.

[loong]

Seonai,

I am far from an expert, but you did ask for our thoughts and advice.

I am a man, so I do have an idea how men think.

But being a man is just about the only thing that I have in common with your husband.

You answered my questions from my previous post and I appreciate that it must be hard for you to write these things down. You held back a lot of information in your original post, possibly because you feel that you are being untrue to your husband.

I must admit that, at first, your husband was displaying symptons of guilt associated with seeing another woman. Some men will become more distant whereas others will be more attentive.

However, nothing in your answers leads me to believe that this is likely. Particularly if your sex life is not suffering.

I think that one of the main problems could be with his inability to cope with the fact that you contribute more financially to the household than he does. This is possibly magnified by the Muslim connection. He is probably getting a lot of stick from his friends.

It is, after all only in fairly recent years that men in the Uk have welcomed women into the workforce and that men have lost the sense of shame at not always being the main breadwinner. "The woman's place is in the kitchen" took a long time to stop being acceptable in Uk.

The fact that you have your son, offspring of another man, living with you may make a bad situation worse,. But if he has only been with you for 4 months, not too significant as I imagine you have been having problems longer than this.

I think that he is feeling emasculated, made worse by comments from his friends and he is taking it out on you.

BUT and it is a very big BUT.

There is no excuse for violence. You would expect a couple in this situation to be able to discuss the problem. This is obviously not an option as he will not communicate with you.

You could try and talk to him about moving away, somewhere he will not be so influenced by others. Maybe open another bar. I don't know how you could suggest this though.

I know you did not want us to say "Leave Him!"

But

If he has been violent 6 times, he has a severe problem. A normal man who loves a woman may lose his temper and lash out. I have in the past been really mad, and I have violently shaken a woman by the shoulders. One time, and I suffered torment for not being able to control my temper that one time. I think that most men will say the same sort of thing.

You have to remember that you have a duty to your son. A child who witnesses regular violence against his mother can tend to reach adulthood with an abnormal view of what is right.

If you are prepared to suffer this abuse by your husband, will you accept it if it is focussed on your son?

[jrincon17]

I am not allowed to smile and laugh......

I must tip toe around all the time.....

Scared to speak if he's not in the mood.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sounds like a great life

ps - How does your husband treat the family dog (if you have one)?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ok dont most Thai men cheat ? Why do you think Thai women want other than thai bf 's . I am sorry but i am just pointing things out . You being a westerner , you should know that this is no way to be treated . Wake up here ok

[Boo]

jricon17, the last part of your post was helpful but this bit; why do you think Thai women want other than thai bf 's

What, all 30million of them?? No one can surely be that naieve.

[zaz]

He's Muslim

He's violent

He's held a knife to your throat.

He's hit you SIX times!

But this sounds like you might get lucky, as he's no doubt in training, and should be  leaving for Iraq -- or maybe pilot school -- in the near future. Your problems -- and burqua -- will be history.

Frankly -- and seriously -- if you can't leave him, the next best thing is him leaving you.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh I seeeeeeeeeeee....Seonai, it's because he's a MUSLIM that's what the problem is according to this plank........it's not like any non-Muslim guys are wife-bashers are there?

DON'T LET THIS THREAD TURN INTO ONE OF THOSE DISCUSSIONS AGAIN PLEASE

JimGant - PATHETIC simply narrow-minded, baseless bull***t comments like that are just pathetic and seonai doesn't need that right now.

Edited August 16, 2005 by zaz

[Boo]

i actually removed this post already zaz but your right, neither the time nor the place.

[zaz]

i actually removed this post already zaz but your right, neither the time nor the place.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No - that was directed at JimGant - but feel free to remove my reply - and thanks.

[Boo]

no probs, in between you posting your edit & my reply I then saw you didn't mean her at all so confusing...

back on topic...

[seonai]

Boo dear and Loong, yes you are right. I don'y want my son to be exposed to tis sort of thing and actually I have largely protected him from seeing anything, like he has never seen the violent side. But yes, I do live in fear that my husband would ever hit my son.

As for the other comment about 'don't most Thai men cheat" - no I don't think they do on the whole. Your wife is a very important part of your family usually and if the family ever found out, at least in my experience here in the south, that the man was cheating..... all ###### would let loose and the family would take the wife out of the situation.

My husband's family are exremely suppportive to me, really. But they are a boat ride away. If I called tomorrow and said there is a big problem, they would come here and talk to him. The Muslim clerics too would talk to him. ut there is a limit to how far you tell people when you ahve a problem. I can talk here cos I know he can't connect to the Net.

Seonai

[zaz]

Seonai - have you had any moderation/councelling from anyone close on your side? I guess if you're in a slightly "isolated" place it would be difficult but maybe you guys would benefit from someone sitting with both of you to talk about it?

Although the situation seems too far down the line I somehow feel you still want to be with him?

[seonai]

Thanks Boo, didn't see the post about the muslim thing, it's just my husband's anger not a Muslim thing.

Guys, I don't want you all worrying about me too much out there. Let's just hope that this is an interesting debate and that it may help others ina similar position.

Boo, if we split and whatever on the island, I do not believe that he would make problems for me if I left him to his own devices. It's not that kind od violence. It's explosive stuff, no alcohol, and then needing his space to think. I know it's not right but i don't believe he's a stalker or anything. I don't think he's the sort to lay quiet and then come after me. He just has a total anger management problem.

Seonai

[khall64au]

Seonai, I have refrained from commenting on this forum as you and I discuss your situation "off air".

Not to mention this freaking avatar that I can't seem to get rid of (and I have posted a Report to the the Moderators ... but no answer yet )

The same thoughts seem to come across from many posters : THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR [REPEATED] VIOLENCE AGAINST ONE'S PARTNER... UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

You have many good people concerned for you here and the resulting advice offered is extremely wise, sincere and well intentioned for your wellbeing, personal safety, sanity and the welfare of your beautiful son.

It is not a Muslim issue - it is about a man who cannot control his emotional anger and perhaps his lack of respect for other human beings.

Have a good, long think about your next step and know that people you have never met are on your side and wishing you the best possible outcome.

[inan]

Seonai, if your husband is violent it has to stop now. You say he's hit you six times, once seriously. And he's held a knife to your throat in anger once. If someone is getting away with violence in a relationship they will not stop. If anything it will escalate. He CAN stop his violence right now. It doesn't have to be part of his anger problem.

I know you don't want advice to leave your husband, but if you are afraid of violence then you must protect yourself - and your son. Who knows when he may next grab a knife in anger and not just stop with threatening you? Also, think about what lessons your son is learning?? Violent men don't announce the day they are going to kill you. It may be accidental... they get carried away in anger, don't know what they are doing... but you don't want to leave yourself or your son open to that.

As I said, your husband CAN stop the violence right now. You can tell him it is unnacceptable, thaht you will not allow himto touch you in anger (or threaten to do so) again. He must know that it is unnaceptable.

I hope you and your son will be okay.

[Nam Kao]

>>>Yes he has hit me - about six times, one serious.

Next time let em have it

Edited August 16, 2005 by Nam Kao

[donna]

Seonai, if you had a good friend in the same situation as yours, what advice would you give them? Would you think that the best thing to do would be to hang in there and hope that he changes, or would you tell them to run away as fast as they can?

The answers to many of your questions are quite disturbing, and I hope that you can read them in the third person and make some kind of decision as to the welfare of you and your son.

You have said yourself that you are living in fear. Living a life in fear is no way for any person to live. You must think of your own mental health, and that of your son. This is no way to live.

If he can go out to chat with his friends, then why don't you make friends with their wives? You don't have to tell them what's going on in your private life, but it will give you some company when you need it.

If he held a knife at your throat and you screamed and nobody came to help you, then what will happen if the situation is life threatening? Do you think that they would help you? Probably not. That next time, you may just be a gonner. The next step of pushing that knife just a little harder isn't a big one.

You have said at the end of this post that you "thought/think you love the guy". Why? Maybe you should make up a list of the things that you "think" you love about him, as opposed to the things that you do not like about him. Be honest. Be brutal. Both ways. Then take a look at the list. What way does it lean to? The answer to all of your concerns should really be obvious at the end of the exercise.

Defending his violent actions by saying that he is sometimes so sweet is just being in denial about the situation.

There are many people here supporting you and I hope that you don't look at all this good advice that you are being given and stay with him. Human beings deserve better than this.

You have the power to change the situation.

You must take control of your life.

We are both between 35-41 years old.

Yes he has hit me - about six times, one serious.

He hasn't changed much since we were married but I sense that the bar was his way of feeling like the Lord of the Manner - and I did try to change that because I wanted us to have a family life. But there are double messages in there where he has started contacting his parents a lot since he met me and going to the mosque a lot and being more 'family' like - all this done by him, not me. But when he argues he seems to feel I've cramped his style.

He goes out with friends to chat - most are married but would never take their wives out for a drink. Wives stay at home.

I input most financially and I never bring this up. I know it is a BIG one for a man.

He works a little with small wood projects and is most happy when he's working, feels useless otherwise.

I work as a freelance writer.

No I have never had a relationship with anyone near here.

My son came to live with us four months ago and my husband wanted him to come.

No he hasn't lost interest in my 'womanly attributes'

I live in fear because I can't get angry about anything..... you know, have a bad day and bang a door...... if I did that I'd set him off and I'm too scared.

He just seems really angry about something..... once he had a knife at my throat and I was screaming to the neighbours and no one came. I thought I was a gonner. But it sounds so silly now, I know you'll all get mad at me, but I thought/think I love the guy...... he's part of my life.

If it's any consolation, I know of several Farang men who this has happened to with Thai women !!!!!

I genuinely appreciate your comments. It might help someone else out there too one day.

Seonai

[sbk]

Seonai, the best advice I can give you is to involve his family, involve the local cleric. Do not be ashamed to ask for help. A friend of mine was hit by her husband once and she went straight to his parents. There was a big family discussion (not the entire family just the immediate family) where he was set straight by his parents. If he thinks he can get away with it, he will. If he knows his family is involved and disapproves it may help.

That said, Hit 6 times and a knife to the throat are very serious indeed and cannot be excused or explained by peer pressure or personal issues. I think you should go and stay with his family for a few days. And be sure to tell them why you feel . You must put your personal safety and that of your son's ahead of any relationship.

[kat]

Seonai:

There have been a lot of great responses on this thread, from both men and women, so I won't repeat the same sentiments, all though I am very concerned for your safety.

However, the main point is that YOU must be concerned enough to see the situation as it is and take ACTION, not only for yourself, but for your son.

There are so many things here, I don't know where to begin. One of the first and most minor points however, is your comments about Thai men and cheating. If you are not aware of the major trends regarding polygamy in S.E. Asia, then I wonder how much you even know about your present situation. I'm sorry - I don't meant to be blunt or insensitive - but polygamy and male-dominated customs are a norm here in Asia. However, this is simply a side comment, because I do not necessarily think that your situation is a case of infidelity.

Seonai, this is indisputably a case of VIOLENCE. And yes, love is often in the mix, but generally with some distance and reflection, people usually find that it was more about control, domination, fear, and addiction; Seonai, this is not a life-sustaining love. It is one that slowly smothers your spirit and your sense of self, until the day it snaps into irrevocable and unspeakable harm both physically and mentally, not only to you, but also your son. Can you live with this? How do you like the idea of your son growning up to be an abuser? Statistically that is the case for boys reared in physically abusive homes. For girls, the statistics are more in favor of them being the abused - unless they actively change that path; Only YOU can change yours.

There's a parable about a woman who "falls" into abusive relationships. Basically, she keeps walking down the same street, day after day, to fall into the same gaping hole. Spectators wonder: how can she do this, day after day? It's habit. If she walks down that street, then the same impulses and conditioning will propel her back towards that hole.

Just avoid the whole damm scenario and take another street.

Seonai, I am a daughter of a household plagued by domestic violence, AND I have been a counselor in a domestic violence shelter. What I can tell you immediately is that your husband shows signs of escalation. There are plenty of people with no physical control, which is bad enough and grounds for leaving. However, holding a knife to someone's throat and other such homicidal threats crosses a line, even in a recurring pattern of domestic violence. Can he change? Maybe, but the change would have to be so deep, reflective, and cathartic, that it's usually only motivated by a sense of deep personal loss. I think the combination of cultural and personal issues may hinder a direct route to deep personal reflection along these lines.

I think the worrying combination of escalation, culture, and isolation puts you at serious risk. In this situation, I do not think simply asking him to leave the house is a solution. Are you aware that this is not easily accepted by men of all religions in S.E. Asia? It is a major loss of face and a direct challenge to their sense of authority and control over their women. I am almost certain that violence would most definitely result, and if he has already held a knife to your throat when the stakes were lower, I hate to think about what would happen under more uncertain conditions. Violence will then be his only way to gain control over you.

Seonai, you need to decide if you are going to stay and wait for the inevitable, or if you are going to take control of your circumstances and change the outcome. If you want change, then you are going to have to do what all of the great surviors of domestic abuse have always done: quietly prepare your escape and simply disappear one day without a trace; it's called survival.

Good luck, and feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

Kat

Edited August 17, 2005 by kat

[a2396]

Hope you can remove yourself from this relationship. Most women I know would not spend 5 minutes with such a situation. He should have a lady I know who refuses to have sex in daylight hours. That should put him in a good mood.

[girlx]

great post kat