Getting Married - Parents Expecting A Car?

[zint]

here's the deal. i've known my thai girlfriend for almost two years and we've been living together since about 6 months into our relationship. she goes to quite a good university here, previously paid for by her family, now paid by me for almost a year. we're planning on getting married sometime by the end of this year but the deal is ..her parents are expecting a 900,000 baht car as the "wedding gift" to them. i told both the parents and my girlfriend a few months ago that we'd talk about it when the time comes but currently i dont have the money (or better, i need it for my career) to buy that type of car, neither paid in cash or paid in monthly rates. now as the wedding date is getting nearer, she says that her dad is still expecting the car, etc. etc. and that she wants to get this over with so that we don't owe anything anymore for the family and so on.

the problem is, i dont see myself buying this car for them anytime in the near future, but i still want to marry her, because i love her. we dont have a huge load of money and she knows it and doesnt care, but the car issue won't go away.

now, i explained to her that i pay for our apartment (where she lives in for over a year now), university (which her family doesnt need to pay for since over a year), food, clothing, etc. for her. on top of that, i really can't afford a car right now.

what is my best "excuse" to get out of the whole car buying deal but still going ahead with the wedding? we already discussed the showing of the money (99,999 baht) at the wedding and that goes back to us after the wedding, so the only thing the parents expect is the 900,000 baht car...but that seems a little extreme to me.

oh yeah, she's a "country girl" but has been to university in Bangkok for a year before i met her. (no, not a bargirl - if you're wondering). her parents own quite a large farm up country but they're still average/poor people.

any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited August 24, 2005 by zint

[lopburi3]

Check back on other threads and you will see the amount is foolish (but how many foolish farangs does it take to make it seem the norm and every girl a movie star). Only you and she can answer the question of "is it worth it" but from your shot version I have my doubts. Good luck.

[Thaipwriter]

I have to pass on some advice offered to me not so long ago, it goes something like this.......

tell them to get <deleted>*^%)

[think_too_mut]

oh yeah, she's a "country girl" but has been to university in Bangkok for a year before i met her. (no, not a bargirl - if you're wondering).

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Still, she dwarfes bar girl families with the requirement.

She must be worth it then. Do it.

[tuky]

I bought the folks a Honda Wave 100, and all are happy.

Their main concern was that their daughter is well looked after.

900,000 is way over the top IMHO

[opothai]

this has been discussed many times, and i think you will find every situation different.

a sin sod is an old fashioned ideal that is not adhered to as strictly as it used to be.so a lot depends on how old fashioned [or greedy] the family is. bear in mind that the parent have contributed to thier daughters education so invariably will be looking fo some sort of compensation.

i wish you all the luck in trying to negotiate to a reasonable settlement. remember it is always open to barter as 900,000 is way over the top even for a relativley well of foreigner.

sorry i could not be of more help, but this is an individual situation that will require all your skills of negotiation.

best wishes

Edited August 24, 2005 by opothai

[zint]

yeah i think its over the top, too. i mean even if i paid 100k upfront for the car and then in monthly rates, i still think its crazy to buy a 900k car. i dont see the point. but i'm trying to find a way to tell my girlfriend and her family without offending them, especially her.

[think_too_mut]

yeah i think its over the top, too. i mean even if i paid 100k upfront for the car and then in monthly rates, i still think its crazy to buy a 900k car. i dont see the point. but i'm trying to find a way to tell my girlfriend and her family without offending them, especially her. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Why worry? She's not a bar girl, no dangers there whatsoever.

[zint]

and this thread isn't a "troll" by the way even though the amount seems insane, its all accurate. i realize they contributed to her education etc. up until i met her and i'm prepared to give something back, but not a 900k car. i've heard from others in the village that he's (her dad) already talked about getting a car - so i'm worried about them losing face as well, though i also understand its his problem for telling everybody.

[Chainat1]

yeah i think its over the top, too. i mean even if i paid 100k upfront for the car and then in monthly rates, i still think its crazy to buy a 900k car. i dont see the point. but i'm trying to find a way to tell my girlfriend and her family without offending them, especially her. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If its a car they need, why does it have to be a 900k car ? why not 500k...

I think thats way over the top, start bartering.

[opothai]

and this thread isn't a "troll" by the way even though the amount seems insane, its all accurate. i realize they contributed to her education etc. up until i met her and i'm prepared to give something back, but not a 900k car. i've heard from others in the village that he's (her dad) already talked about getting a car - so i'm worried about them losing face as well, though i also understand its his problem for telling everybody.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

now you do have a problem

daddy losing face in front of the villagers for spouting his mouth of

[zint]

yeah i think its over the top, too. i mean even if i paid 100k upfront for the car and then in monthly rates, i still think its crazy to buy a 900k car. i dont see the point. but i'm trying to find a way to tell my girlfriend and her family without offending them, especially her. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If its a car they need, why does it have to be a 900k car ? why not 500k...

I think thats way over the top, start bartering.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

its a huge pickup truck they apparently need for the farm. i'm definitely not buying the 900k car even if it means scrapping the wedding. i'd rather invest this money to build my career at this point and support my family in the future (we're both in our 20's) and i've told this to my girlfriend. she then came up with the "paying for the car monthly" idea but i'm also not ready to pay 10k-20k every month for the next few years for a car.

[zint]

and this thread isn't a "troll" by the way even though the amount seems insane, its all accurate. i realize they contributed to her education etc. up until i met her and i'm prepared to give something back, but not a 900k car. i've heard from others in the village that he's (her dad) already talked about getting a car - so i'm worried about them losing face as well, though i also understand its his problem for telling everybody.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

now you do have a problem

daddy losing face in front of the villagers for spouting his mouth of

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

yeah thats the biggest problem right now i think. apparently he was talking about it even before i knew it and my girlfriend is now obviously trying to save his face at the wedding, but i dont see this happening...

[MikeRay]

Discuss that with your girlfriend first.If she told her parents that they will get a car as sinsod and they won´t, she´ll lose face to her parents.

She´d rather split up with you than losing face to her parents.

Appartement,food etc doesn´t count as you are the boyfriend and so it´s expected that you take care of her expenses.

If you can buy yourself out of following demands in the future get them the car.

If you were a big mouth: som na na

[Ice Maiden]

If she cares for you enough she wouldn't demand the money to pay for her families "wedding present". Anyway I've heard of presents of 50,000 baht but not new cars for parents, and you've already paid out alot for this girl anyway. I don't know alot about thai marriage but something here is telling me there is something wrong. If she still goes on about the car even when you have told her your situation then IMO I don't think she is being fair. I'd tell her again more firmly that you can not afford to be paying for a new car for her parents as you've given enough as it is.

And if her and the family continue then I'm sorry but she isn't thinking about your opinions and you should reconsider if thats the type of girl you wish to marry. And the type of family you want for the rest of your married life because I don't think demands like that will stop.

Edited August 24, 2005 by Ice Maiden

[zint]

Discuss that with your girlfriend first.If she told her parents that they will get a car as sinsod and they won´t, she´ll lose face to her parents.

She´d rather split up with you than losing face to her parents.

Appartement,food etc doesn´t count as you are the boyfriend and so it´s expected that you take care of her expenses.

If you can buy yourself out of following demands in the future get them the car.

If you were a big mouth: som na na

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

it went something like this:

1. plans of getting married.

2. she: "can you buy a car for mom and dad?". me: "not right now, we can talk about it in the future".

3. months later: "mom and dad want to know about the car when we get married"

(somewhere in between 1. and 4. dad talks about the car in the village)

4. me: "i cant buy the car right now, i have the money for it but i cant do it right now, we need it for other things"

5. tears from her, but she tells me we have to find a way to get the car for the wedding.

i dont see this happening, though.

[zint]

If she cares for you enough she wouldn't demand the money to pay for her families "wedding present". Anyway I've heard of presents of 50,000 baht but not new cars for parents, and you've already paid out alot for this girl anyway. I don't know alot about thai marriage but something here is telling me there is something wrong. If she still goes on about the car even when you have told her your situation then IMO I don't think she is being fair. I'd tell her again more firmly that you can not afford to be paying for a new car for her parents as you've given enough as it is.

And if her and the family continue then I'm sorry but she isn't thinking about your opinions and you should reconsider if thats the type of girl you wish to marry. And the type of family you want for the rest of your married life because I don't think demands like that will stop.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i'm afraid of that, too. i have told her some months ago that the car thing won't be happening right now and the topic dissapeared from the table, but now that the wedding nears its coming back up. sigh

[cdnvic]

Buy them a reliable used vehicle that you can afford. If you keep being pressured into more then ask yourself if you want a "family" who values you only as a provider of handouts.

Your spouse is supposed to be your number one ally in life, the one you can count on when all else fails. If they can't stand up for you before the marriage, then they won't afterwards, and that would mean that you are getting ripped off for alot more than a truck. Yes, it's part of the culture. You have a culture too, and its no less important than theirs.

cv

[zaz]

zint - if you say it aint happening then it aint happening - put your foot down. Your girlfreind's love will be tested here not your wallet. Your cards are already on the table it's time to see theirs...

[opothai]

i have a freind who married in england to save on the sin sot and therefore keep evrybody happy and no loss of face for the parents.

however he sends over £100 every month to look after the wifes child.

any way after a couple of months the family in thailand send some photo's to the daughter and you guessed it there was a big new shiney pick up with the family standing proudly next to it, purchased of course on the back of their new found wealth.

only last month his wife asks for more money to be sent because of the running costs [diesel increases] of which she got a very firm negative response, after a few loud words and some tears and the wife not talking[the silent treatment] for 3 days every thing back to normal.

the moral to be learn't here is be firm and if love is present it will prevail but be firm

[simon43]

If they need transport buy them a buffalo....

(I'm not in a ood mood right now and Thailand is starting to irritate me! Just been looking at the Malaysian visa offering - seems MUCH better

[mowlem]

There seems to be more than this than meets the eye. So fire at her one big simple question

"How much money, IN TOTAL, does the family owe?"

Yes you will not get the true answer, an approximation maybe, but ask mummy and daddy as well, I'll bet you will be suprised. Me thinks they are dire straits, and the 900,000 baht is to pay off debts.

Remember, this will not be the last request for money, it is the first, stand up to them, or you will be just seem as a lovely ATM. AFTER ALL, SHE STUDIED BASICALLY FOR FREE DIDN'T SHE?

Think about it.

Sorry it wasn't supposed to be cynical.

[johng]

So it's agreed then that the "price" is far too high..

But he still needs a good excuse for not buying the truck and saving (future) father in laws face... sorry I can't think of a good excuse hope someone can.

[zaz]

Actually zint, if you had the money would you buy them the car? If so then just write them out an IOU...and give them a picture of the pickup to stick on the wall and look at in the meantime.

[cdnvic]

But he still needs a good excuse for not buying the truck

No, potential father in law needs to learn a lesson in shooting off his mouth and assuming "rich falung" will buy him a shiney new truck.

cv

[opothai]

So it's agreed then that the "price" is far too high..

But he still needs a good excuse for not buying the truck and saving  (future) father in laws face... sorry I can't think of a good excuse hope someone can.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

back in his home country

the cow has broken a leg and can not produce any milk for his mothers 7 other children.

daddy has fallen of his office chair and has a severe laceration requiring several band aids

his sister who has 4 kids has been abandoned by her husband and wants to move back with mum and dad, so will have to buy a bigger house.

i wonder how that would go down

[lopburi3]

((With the current price increase for diesel fuel and general inflation it would be much better to maintain what funds you have outside Thailand for the immediate time frame and thus be able to help wife and family as required in the future.))

Many upcountry people are finding themselves with vehicles that they can not afford to run these days so you would be doing them a favor - you just have to get that story to sink in with the GF (which may be a problem - you should never have admitted you had the money).

[zint]

Actually zint, if you had the money would you buy them the car?  If so then just write them out an IOU...and give them a picture of the pickup to stick on the wall and look at in the meantime.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i actually have the money to buy them the pickup truck for 900k baht if i wanted to, but the issues is i'd rather invest it in my career at this point than spending it all on the truck and then struggling with my career, not knowing if we'll have food the next day (well, not as bad but you get the point). thanks for all your advice, i'll just tell them straight the pickup truck thing isn't happening. i'm already paying for the wedding party (around 100k baht) and all our living costs and university ...

i'm not going to live on soup and dry bread until the car is paid off, either.

Edited August 24, 2005 by zint

[opothai]

Actually zint, if you had the money would you buy them the car?  If so then just write them out an IOU...and give them a picture of the pickup to stick on the wall and look at in the meantime.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i actually have the money to buy them the pickup truck for 900k baht if i wanted to, but the issues is i'd rather invest it in my career at this point than spending it all on the truck and then struggling with my career, not knowing if we'll have food the next day (well, not as bad but you get the point). thanks for all your advice, i'll just tell them straight the pickup truck thing isn't happening. i'm already paying for the wedding party (around 100k baht) and all our living costs and university ...

i'm not going to live on soup and dry bread until the car is paid off, either.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

that's the way to go, be in control of your own future

you seem to have sorted your quandry by yourself

[johng]

the cow has broken a leg and can not produce any milk for his mothers 7 other children.

Aha the old sick buffalo story.

daddy has fallen of his office chair and has a severe laceration requiring several band aids

A typical lame Thai excuse if ever there was one.

his sister who has 4 kids has been abandoned by her husband and wants to move back with mum and dad, so will have to buy a bigger house.

Now that one might just work

Cdnvic :

Maybe ( future ? ) father in law should learn the saying "never count your chickens before they are hatched "