Newsflash!

[AlexLah]

Heaven 06-11

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with a former worshipper.

The scandal was begun when a 21 one year old women, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s ‘only’ son some time ago in a barn in the hamlet of Betlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she had loved God for a long time, and that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was thrilled to have had his child.

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that: “ No sexual relationship existed” and that the facts of this story will come out in time.

Independend counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as the “Wise Men”. Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have litlle to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally oppointed to investigate, that God had created large scale floodings in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months , Beelzebub investigation already been expended to cover questions surrounding the large number of locust that plagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God outlined a “ touch on crime” plan consisting of a series of 10 Commandments which has been introduced in congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the “Name in Vain” commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

More news as it breaks!!

Alex