English Assignment

[stumonster]

AN ENGLISH CLASS

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"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The

process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting

to his or her immediate right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a

short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another

copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another

paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The

first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep

the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the

e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story

is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of the English students:

Rebecca

and Gary.

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THE STORY:

(First paragraph by Rebecca)At first, Laurie couldn't decide which

kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy

evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in

happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at

all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and

if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So

chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris,

leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important

things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named

Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.

Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar

orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign

off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole

through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of

his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not

before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman

who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its

pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes

Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her

newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared

out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed

unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract

her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.

"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered

wistfully.

(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.

Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched

the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks

that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the

congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires that

were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the

passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough

firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them,

they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile

entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile

submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the

inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie

and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the

conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's

blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of

literature.My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.

(Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose

attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have

chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an

air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

(Rebecca) ######.

(Gary) Bitch.

(Rebecca) Get screwed.

(Gary) Eat shit.

(Rebecca) SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary) GO DRINK SOME TEA - Bitch.

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(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.

[andyfletch]

Loved the teachers comment