Advice? Thai Girlfriend, Next Step?

[lizlemon]

Appreciate any advice from expats in country, I am new here.

My background, I am a 30 some professional from Canada with a professional job etc - met a thai woman online 2 yrs ago on a language site....over time we stayed in regular contact via skype etc and built a decent online relationship. after 7 months i took a trip in 2009 to visit her in Northern Thailand. She is the same age, university educated and has a middle class job with a mobile phone company, she has 1 child and divorced from a thai guy who had several mistresses she learned when pregnant. So when I arrived in her city, she picked me up from the airport with ther best friend whom she calls sister and they took me out to a nice place for dinner and to my hotel.

We spent 5 weeks together in that time she introduced me to her entire family, worked during the day and took me around after work and also took me to a cousins wedding in a nice major hotel and introduced me to more family and friends while taking many pictures etc.

Everyone seems so nice and welcoming, reading the scams and warnings I could not identify any...no request for money, no stories, perhaps this will come later...my guard is perpetually up? The only thing that was weird was the "sister" was older and definately goes with "falangs" for money as she is divorced, no job, and 2 kids.....but thats her business - I met her and her family and it seems to be what needs to be done.

I even set up some traps with comments like "do you need anything"? etc etc.....and no bite from her, even while visiting several more times when out she is quite good with money, refusing to tip more than 20bht when I am pulling out a 50? looking for deals on clothing and making good deals with locals etc.

Everything seems to check out? unless I am missing something.....is this too good to be true? or the norm outside of the obvious bar girl horror stories?

I remember I had gone to a ATM and withdrew a large sum and handed her $5000 BHT so to make sure that we had funds if I lost my wallet etc......she looked at my weird like she was offended and when I was leving several weeks later opended her wallet and returned these funds, in hindsight now I was impressed but at the time I never thought twice.

Fast forward 2.5 years and several trips later, we are in "love" and making plans to get married, she wants a small wedding at her home with our close family and her daughter.

What does everyone think? Is there something I am missing? We have planned a wedding in Nov 2012, I appreciate any advice or questions to clarify...I've never done the bar girl circuit or had any relationship with another thai woman previously in or out of thailand before this.

[smokie36]

Good luck!

[Hooters]

What will you do after you get married? please dont say you will try to teach

congras and all the best

[lizlemon]

thanks mates!

lol...no teaching for me, the currrent plan is to split residence 9/3 between Thailand and Canada, she wants to keep her job with AIS mobile.

[kenny999]

thanks mates!

lol...no teaching for me, the currrent plan is to split residence 9/3 between Thailand and Canada, she wants to keep her job with AIS mobile.

She sounds like a nice decent Thai girl, believe it or not there are decent Thai girls!!! Marriage will change things(you need to be sure of the reason for marriage, but that would be the same in any country, all I will say is never let your guard down and never let your heart rule your head again the same any where in the world, my friend is married to a Thai girl she is lovely. good luck...

One piece of good advice you should have is:: put money aside that your future wife does not know about, then god forbid things go wrong you can still have a life and start again, I don't feel this is deceitful you are just being careful and protecting yourself, ah forgot consider a pre- nuptial agreement as far as I am aware this is the done thing here, again the very best of luck..

Edited December 4, 2011 by kenny999

[lizlemon]

good advice, thanks

by nature I have always kept my guard up the pre-nup is good advice I think I will got this route.

i do believe there are many "good" thai women, i think western men need to remember not to wear their hearts on their sleeves and not to put all the cards on the table by flashing cash and giving the appearence their is a endless supply? i think many thai believe that western men have endless supplies of currency because when your in Thailand things are cheap, your on vacation and we have credit if needed? i think it sends the wrong signals possibly?

aside from the cultural learnings our relationship has progessed how many do in the west, with abundance of caution on my end.

the fiance has always beem upfront and makes what she says is a adequate wage by thai standards to support a child and her mother and father they live comfortably but definately middle class and she is responsible for her family etc financially which is ubderstandable.

one thing she has mentioned is that many thai women are in preference to western men for security and monogamy whereas thai men more often than not take additonal wives or girlfriends and have limited emplyment and income prospects etc.

[kenny999]

good advice, thanks

by nature I have always kept my guard up the pre-nup is good advice I think I will got this route.

i do believe there are many "good" thai women, i think western men need to remember not to wear their hearts on their sleeves and not to put all the cards on the table by flashing cash and giving the appearence their is a endless supply? i think many thai believe that western men have endless supplies of currency because when your in Thailand things are cheap, your on vacation and we have credit if needed? i think it sends the wrong signals possibly?

aside from the cultural learnings our relationship has progessed how many do in the west, with abundance of caution on my end.

the fiance has always beem upfront and makes what she says is a adequate wage by thai standards to support a child and her mother and father they live comfortably but definately middle class and she is responsible for her family etc financially which is ubderstandable.

one thing she has mentioned is that many thai women are in preference to western men for security and monogamy whereas thai men more often than not take additonal wives or girlfriends and have limited emplyment and income prospects etc.

You seem to have it all sorted, have a great life !!

[TheWalkingMan]

Sounds like a good one. Good luck.

[MaiChai]

It all sounds good. Wish you luck. I would just manage the expectations. Does she think you are perfect? If so, show her some of your imperfections and see how she reacts. Does she know what you are like when you have had a bad week at work and have not been able to attend to all her needs? Has she been to Canada? Does she know its cold there. Does she know that life is not always a bed of roses and what will her reaction be when it isn't?

If I were you I would take her to Canada for a couple of months and let her see your life over there before you get married.

[HardenedSoul]

one thing she has mentioned is that many thai women are in preference to western men for security and monogamy whereas thai men more often than not take additonal wives or girlfriends and have limited emplyment and income prospects etc.

Sounds like a decent woman you've got there but I'd take her musings on many Thai females' preference for westerners with a big pinch of salt. Now I am NOT suggesting that she's in any way trying to deceive you here but you must be under no illusions whatsoever that many Thai women generally prefer foreigners. It could just be that, at her time in life, the chances of landing a "AAA-rated" Thai man with a respectable, well-paying job, a solid family background and who is prepared to take on another man's child have dwindled somewhat so, for her, the farang option is far more appealing not to mention more attainable.

Ultimately, most women - Thai or otherwise - will always have a preference for a man with whom they can easily communicate and share a common culture. Of course, in your case, if you can speak Thai, you're laughing but if not, it might be a good idea to learn regardless of whether or not she speaks good English because, the chances are, her family won't.

Best of luck

[Tatsujin]

Sounds like you found a good one there . . . despite what many would have you believe, there are many great girls here, most NOT out to screw you over somehow. Go with the flow, be careful (as you would in any other relationship) and enjoy.

[lizlemon]

some great advice

i've made sure that she does not figure I'm perfect, lol that would be lofty.

imperfections abound! I have explained the negatives and positives of both Canada and Thailand, she has visited 2x's and yes winter is a no no.......her preference is LOS as is mine the lifestyle is just more pleasant.

as far as thai men, your right he marketability with the AAA group IS limited however her personal evperience has been one of limited income, not wanting to work and covorting with many women on the side etc....sure many thai men or society would shun a women with a child however many thai women are quite aware of a thai mans desire to take a 2nd wife or mistresses etc.

her communication in english is good and my thai is intermediate, the family is generally a quiet bunch all around and I think most thai's are just as curious to learn about the west, however as most people thai families want some stability and assurance of family well being and this is true accross the board in most cultures.

some great comments, thanks mates!

[TPI]

My First wife of 33 years (Chinese/Vietnamese) and my 2nd wife (Thai) of 12 years are both "top" women...it looks as if you've landed on your feet! Two things to remember...(1) If you get drunk, don't beat her & (2) don't backdoor her with a mia Noi or a Gik!

These are the 2 things that drive Thai ladies beserk. In my experience an awful lot of Thai women in their late twenties to early fifties are looking keenly at farangs as a "next" husband!

[Berkshire]

Ultimately, most women - Thai or otherwise - will always have a preference for a man with whom they can easily communicate and share a common culture. Of course, in your case, if you can speak Thai, you're laughing but if not, it might be a good idea to learn regardless of whether or not she speaks good English because, the chances are, her family won't.

Best of luck

Sage advice for sure. Thai women who will go after guys they can barely communicate with (i.e., foreigners) almost always has some issues, financial or otherwise. In this case, the "otherwise" is the single mother thing.

[ludditeman]

The only thing that was weird was the "sister" was older and definately goes with "falangs" for money as she is divorced, no job, and 2 kids.....but thats her business - I met her and her family and it seems to be what needs to be done.

The only point that nobody has picked up is your statement about the friend.

In my experience respectable ladies rarely mix well with ladies that 'sell themselves' .

At our regular foreigner nights out we have had to ban partners from attending, as they have mixed social backgrounds (respectable and the other kind) and tend to, at best, ignore each other rather obviously, at worst, fight. Always followed by an ear bashing for the men when we returned home.

I know of no instances where this has not turned out to be true, usually you can spot the girls pretending to be respectable, by their friends.

Please be careful.

Edited December 7, 2011 by ludditeman

[poanoi]

]In my experience ladies that 'sell themselves' rarely mix well with respectable ladies.

Yes that is true, but the other way around, respectable ladies refuse to be around prostitutes

[punch]

]In my experience ladies that 'sell themselves' rarely mix well with respectable ladies.

Yes that is true' date=' but the other way around, respectable ladies refuse to be around prostitutes

[/quote']

These points are spot on. OP you say your makeing plans to marry. If a large sin sod comes up then you should start to worry. She has a child already so there realy should not be any..

But good luck...

[KRS1]

Just one question - Have you farted in front of her yet?

If not go ahead and let one rip and see how she takes it.

If its an awkward feeling, your not ready to get married. If she laughs or farts back....get married.

[manarak]

some thoughts for OP:

Agree with previous posters, no sin sot should be asked.

- from your description, almost everything seems fine. Except her best friend. Where did they meet each other? If she keeps her as a best friend, it suggests that she considers going with farangs for money is acceptable if someone needs money. I would try to know a bit more about her past. At this point I would like to say that she may have been working in the trade for a short time (pun), but I also want to say that many ex-bargirls make great wives, no worries. No, my thought is if she thinks going with farangs for money is acceptable, what else does she consider acceptable when someone is out of money?

- search for potential problems within the family and closest friends

Problems in Thailand mostly come in the form of money drains. Check out the parents, the cousins, the "sisters", the nephews, etc. Does everyone have a home, power, motorcycles and maybe a car? Anyone in poor health? Who has got a small farm or is renting land from a landlord to grow crops? Does someone like gambling? Are the any young nephews with trendy haircut and piercings?

- where does she live? who takes care of her son when you are together? is she a loving mother?

- you are in your 30ies and I imagine you want to continue your 'professional' activity. Chances are, you earn much more than her and most of your income is still to come, as opposed to 50+ pensioners who already earned most of their money. In your case, the legal Thai marriage could be a problem because in case of a divorce you would have to split any gains achieved during marriage 50-50.

I would suggest a prenup. Also, do not buy anything in your wife's name, or if you do, make sure there is a document saying the property is being financed 50-50 between you and her (since she is working).

I reckon it might be difficult to say that you want a prenup, but she's studied and knows it exists, maybe if you get talking about the subject of finance management in marriage, she will eventually offer a prenup without being asked, and you will only have to approve.

If I was in your shoes, I would probably do some more things to make sure I can trust her. For example, trust her with about 250.000 baht with instructions to keep the money on her account until you will need it, for example in preparation of the wedding or something.

You will see if you get any requests to use the money for something else or if the parents suddenly feel the need for sin sot.

[rgs2001uk]

]In my experience ladies that 'sell themselves' rarely mix well with respectable ladies.

Yes that is true' date=' but the other way around, respectable ladies refuse to be around prostitutes

[/quote']

These points are spot on. OP you say your makeing plans to marry. If a large sin sod comes up then you should start to worry. She has a child already so there realy should not be any..

But good luck...

Start to worry? I would start packing, The Thais know how the game is played its the poor farangs who are passed off with tosh dressed up as Thai culture that dont know the game.

As others have mentioned, 30 year old divorcee with child in tow isnt exactly top of a Thai mans wish list.

So many times I have heard the "Thai man no good, him butterfly" line.

How many of you guys reading this have ever heard it from the Thai mans side?

The horror stories they could tell you about overbearing MILs, family demanding cash etc etc, of course its just a face saving measure so the girl and her family keep face, so easy to blame the man.

Start talking to some Thai men, they arent the monsters some make them out to be, you may have more in common with them than you think.

[poanoi]

I think you have a point there rgs2001uk

but the "Thai man no good" slogan should be seen as a commercial,

the oldest of all tricks, -flattery, it is implying the potential customer has a value, unlike local goods,

same junk as the "U good heart"

[lizlemon]

some good points, but some of you are focusing on the one weird aspect with the non biological "sister"

the fiancées family consists of her, her child and a mother and father who own a modest hous in the city and a farm in the country, they have 2 older cars and live a modest life she works for AIS at it's regional centre last 14 yrs making 90K BHT/month its adequate to support her family.

she has never asked nor received any money from me in the time we have been together, I've met the extended family and they are all great have normal jobs, and have middle class lives no one has asked for anything and visit once in awhile but not often. I've been to family weddings where her extended family has spent considerable amounts on wedding their children as a guest - I've never been asked for anything other than the gift envelope my fiance and I provide just as I would for a western wedding.....generally we stuff a 1000 bht note in...hardly crazy.

now the "sister" is not biological and I have met her family which consists of 2 kids, this sister was adopted by my fiancées parents as a child when her own parents were killed and she is thank-ful to them for raising her. The "sister has been very upfront that she goes with visiting falangs when they visit and receives compensation and it works for her, she's never hidden it in fact she keeps pictures of them and I believe they all know it's a short term deal. She is quite older in her late 40's and says that normal jobs could not pay her enough to support her family and I am sure the falangs are not looking for anything more as is she?

I've been to the fiancées workplace hung out with her co-workers, over 3 yrs.....no changes other than some promotions etc.

thai men monsters? probably not but being in thailand eniought i can see its a mans world and I could see why thai women would go falang the 2nd time around.

as far as the thai no good man? hmmmm many are good I am sure, some of you are quite fooling yourselves if you dont see that many also take girlfriends and 2nd wives, drink and party to excess while skirting family obligations? She explained to me that that she caught her 1 st husband with several girlfriends while she was pregnant, told him fine....if you need girlfriends while I am pregnant ...but that it stop once the baby comes....his reply was to leave with a girlfriend and not be present . He has never been around since.

no sin sodt has been asked and I've never spent anything more that I would in a normal dating relationship in the west....well probably less as most western women are well expensive!

I have seen a lawyer about a pre-nup its in the works.....she has no issues with it, we have a joint account in Thailand with appprox 700K bht in it over 3 yrs with her salary also deposited there, I have internet access and have never seen any thing abnormal, to the contrary she is quite the saver and frugal.

its very common to see abandoned thai women, knocked up and deserted by thai men? maybe thats the reason for the bad rep thai men get? it can't be ignored ?

I have no plans to purchase property due to the laws as they are, we stay at her parents place and she has her own vehicle as does the father and extended families.

In 3 yrs i've had my guard up by nature, I've never been foolish and I've always done well with women even in the west

i agree that any falang should excersize extreme caution in a thai relationship especially if you don't know the person, met online, have never met her or her family and have recently had a life changing divorce or not done well with women in general.

take the time their really is no rush, protect yourself....one commonality that always rings true is that if you are asked for large sums of money or feel like you are financing a relationship completely you need to ask yourself some tough questions and re-evaluate if you are being conned?

[manarak]

its very common to see abandoned thai women, knocked up and deserted by thai men? maybe thats the reason for the bad rep thai men get? it can't be ignored ?

yes, this is common

the fiancées family consists of her, her child and a mother and father who own a modest hous in the city and a farm in the country, they have 2 older cars and live a modest life she works for AIS at it's regional centre last 14 yrs making 90K BHT/month its adequate to support her family.

90k baht a month is not modest at all, it is a high salary for Thailand, especially outside the bigger cities.

She probably holds a higher rank, like director, VP or similar.

From what you wrote, I see no red flags. Good luck!

[MrJohnson]

Just one question - Have you farted in front of her yet?

If not go ahead and let one rip and see how she takes it.

If its an awkward feeling, your not ready to get married. If she laughs or farts back....get married.

Very deep and sage advice.

[Berkshire]

Start talking to some Thai men, they arent the monsters some make them out to be, you may have more in common with them than you think.

Agree 100%.

[transam]

Just one question - Have you farted in front of her yet?

If not go ahead and let one rip and see how she takes it.

If its an awkward feeling, your not ready to get married. If she laughs or farts back....get married.

Thought that was common knowledge.

[mikebell]

thanks mates!

lol...no teaching for me, the currrent plan is to split residence 9/3 between Thailand and Canada, she wants to keep her job with AIS mobile.

She sounds like a nice decent Thai girl, believe it or not there are decent Thai girls!!! Marriage will change things(you need to be sure of the reason for marriage, but that would be the same in any country, all I will say is never let your guard down and never let your heart rule your head again the same any where in the world, my friend is married to a Thai girl she is lovely. good luck...

One piece of good advice you should have is:: put money aside that your future wife does not know about, then god forbid things go wrong you can still have a life and start again, I don't feel this is deceitful you are just being careful and protecting yourself, ah forgot consider a pre- nuptial agreement as far as I am aware this is the done thing here, again the very best of luck..

What is the ONLY food guaranteed to put a woman off ORAL SEX?

WEDDING CAKE>

[StreetCowboy]

Don't take steps - they're for wimps. Leaps and bounds are for men. If you're frightened to dive in, you're probably not serious anyway.

SC

[Tanaka]

What is the ONLY food guaranteed to put a woman off ORAL SEX?

WEDDING CAKE>

In some western countries this might have some bearing. But in Thailand, absolutely NOT!

As for the OP, I think you may have found your gem. Like you said, they are out there. And as someone said, 90k B a month is a very good salary here in Thailand and she should not have any needs for your money.

[elektrified]

Sounds like you are level-headed and know what you are doing. My only advice is keep your assets in your home country, i.e. stocks, bonds, precious metals, etc. and never reveal what you have to anyone. I don't know about the joint bank account thing. But if you are comfortable with it that's fine. Most of my friends here who are legally married do not have joint bank accounts or share PIN numbers. I've been with the same girl for 4+ years and we have a child. Everything we have is separate. If your fiance is making 90K/month there should be no need for joint accounts.

Just be careful. The first girl I met when I moved to Chiang Mai was very wealthy and owned many, many rai of land and had a very profitable business making more than 100K/month. Money was never an issue. She had 1 daughter from a previous marriage. But over time I found that she had other issues. Her ex-husband was a drunk, gambler, and a loser who often came by drunk in the middle of the night to 'borrow' her truck. If she refused, he became violent and often punched her and took her purse and helped himself to her car keys, cash and credit cards. Sometimes he would take the daughter too. Over time this girl became very demanding about us spending part of the year in the USA (even though I left there many years ago and lived in Europe for many years). She wanted to escape for a few months a year from the ex-husband and became upset and difficult when I told her this was not going to happen. She needed someone to save her. I moved on.