The Goodbye Letter

[andyfletch]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,

propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad."

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter,

with trembling hands. "Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that

I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted

to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with

Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because

of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because

she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's

pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream

of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact

that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for

ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the

cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will

find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry, Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm

sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I

just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the

report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[peter991]

Andy: That joke gave me a real belly laugh. I should have tried that sort of letter when I was in high school. If TV ever institutes an award for Joker of the Week, I'll be the first to nominate YOU. You have produced some classics this month. Keep up the good work.

Peter

[John_Betong]

...and then he went into his daughter's bedroom and found yet another letter...

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down.

YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, OKAY?

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture, and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump, were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm. He was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him and his three buddies. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents! I know you will welcome the baby and give it the

love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with

open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I am told that his father is an important weapons dealer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant and I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.

However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your Loving Daughter

Linda.