By Special Request

[StreetCowboy]

By special request I was asked to post this. I'll not say who by, to protect them from recriminations.

So a chap decided to make a romantic gesture to his girlfriend, and bought her a nice bunch of flowers.

As he had hoped, she was quite overcome by the thoughtfullness and romance of the gesture, and lay invitingly on the bed

"This is for the flowers" she said.

"Don't be daft, you must have a vase somewhere"

[David48]

Arrrgh SC ... it's the way you tell them laddie ...

[StreetCowboy]

A young French lad asked for an England shirt for his birthday.

Needless to say his mother was quite distressed, and beat him soundly, warning that his father would be even angrier.

When his brother got home, he gave him a kicking as well, and of course his father beat him soundly.

"Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, son"

"I certainly have, Dad. I've only had the shirt two hours, and already I hate the French bastards"

Edit: that reminds of a Saturday afternoon, many years ago... we were walking out of Wilderspoole (Warrington), after a depressing drubbing at the hands of Sheffield Eagles, and a wee boy said to his father "Dad, Dad, can I 'ave a Wigan shirt?"

"Its not that bad, son."

[Mosha]

It's part of our evolution. We are all superior to those in the next village. 2 species in this planet declare war on their own kind. The other one is Chimpanzees.

SC I used to be dragged up to Crown Flatts every time Dewsbury were at home. Dad bought us seson tickets, so we could freeze in the stands, instead of the terraces. We are down at the font, near the dugouts. Ball goes into touch. One of the opposition comes to collect it. One of the subs kicks it away. "****" fom the oppostion guy. I turn to dad and as I open my mouth, he says "Don't even ask." 10 year olds in those days never got past flipping heck.

oops wrong topic lol

[StreetCowboy]

It's part of our evolution. We are all superior to those in the next village. 2 species in this planet declare war on their own kind. The other one is Chimpanzees.

SC I used to be dragged up to Crown Flatts every time Dewsbury were at home. Dad bought us seson tickets, so we could freeze in the stands, instead of the terraces. We are down at the font, near the dugouts. Ball goes into touch. One of the opposition comes to collect it. One of the subs kicks it away. "****" fom the oppostion guy. I turn to dad and as I open my mouth, he says "Don't even ask." 10 year olds in those days never got past flipping heck.

There's plenty of species eat their own, eat their own children, whatever. We're no different except that we have the wit

- to know the difference

- and to do it properly, for better or worse.

I had no intention of posting anything that might pass for serious discussion on this thread, and I feel somewhat aggrieved that I have been baited into doing so - clearly by a master, so I'll leave you with this.

A fella walked into a bar.

"What'll you have?" asked the barman.

"Jamiesons. Pint."

"Pint?"

"Aye. Pint"

So he measured it out, quarter-gill at a time. Whilst he was ringing sixteen measures through the till, the fella knocked it back.

"Right then, that'll be two pounds ten and sixpence"

"Oh no, mate, this one's on you. You said to me 'What'll you have?', and I grudgingly acquiesced".

Obviously, a scuffle ensued, the fella was thrown out in the street, to shouts of "And don't darken my door again, or you'll get a proper kicking".

Next day the same fella came in. "I thought I told you yesterday never to come back in here after you refused to pay for that whiskey"

"Not me mate, fresh off the train. Look, there's my ticket. Pint of whiskey - that's madness, man"

"Well he looked just like you. You must have a double."

"All right - Jamiesons."

SC

[pastitche]

It's part of our evolution. We are all superior to those in the next village. 2 species in this planet declare war on their own kind. The other one is Chimpanzees.

SC I used to be dragged up to Crown Flatts every time Dewsbury were at home. Dad bought us seson tickets, so we could freeze in the stands, instead of the terraces. We are down at the font, near the dugouts. Ball goes into touch. One of the opposition comes to collect it. One of the subs kicks it away. "****" fom the oppostion guy. I turn to dad and as I open my mouth, he says "Don't even ask." 10 year olds in those days never got past flipping heck.

There's plenty of species eat their own, eat their own children, whatever. We're no different except that we have the wit

- to know the difference

- and to do it properly, for better or worse.

I had no intention of posting anything that might pass for serious discussion on this thread, and I feel somewhat aggrieved that I have been baited into doing so - clearly by a master, so I'll leave you with this.

A fella walked into a bar.

"What'll you have?" asked the barman.

"Jamiesons. Pint."

"Pint?"

"Aye. Pint"

So he measured it out, quarter-gill at a time. Whilst he was ringing sixteen measures through the till, the fella knocked it back.

"Right then, that'll be two pounds ten and sixpence"

"Oh no, mate, this one's on you. You said to me 'What'll you have?', and I grudgingly acquiesced".

Obviously, a scuffle ensued, the fella was thrown out in the street, to shouts of "And don't darken my door again, or you'll get a proper kicking".

Next day the same fella came in. "I thought I told you yesterday never to come back in here after you refused to pay for that whiskey"

"Not me mate, fresh off the train. Look, there's my ticket. Pint of whiskey - that's madness, man"

"Well he looked just like you. You must have a double."

"All right - Jamiesons."

SC

How far off topic can we get? What colour do Hearts wear? Maroon! OK Mine's a pint.

BTW I hadn't heard that joke in a French context before but it works without the racism I associated the version I knew

[StreetCowboy]

It's part of our evolution. We are all superior to those in the next village. 2 species in this planet declare war on their own kind. The other one is Chimpanzees.

SC I used to be dragged up to Crown Flatts every time Dewsbury were at home. Dad bought us seson tickets, so we could freeze in the stands, instead of the terraces. We are down at the font, near the dugouts. Ball goes into touch. One of the opposition comes to collect it. One of the subs kicks it away. "****" fom the oppostion guy. I turn to dad and as I open my mouth, he says "Don't even ask." 10 year olds in those days never got past flipping heck.

There's plenty of species eat their own, eat their own children, whatever. We're no different except that we have the wit

- to know the difference

- and to do it properly, for better or worse.

I had no intention of posting anything that might pass for serious discussion on this thread, and I feel somewhat aggrieved that I have been baited into doing so - clearly by a master, so I'll leave you with this.

A fella walked into a bar.

"What'll you have?" asked the barman.

"Jamiesons. Pint."

"Pint?"

"Aye. Pint"

So he measured it out, quarter-gill at a time. Whilst he was ringing sixteen measures through the till, the fella knocked it back.

"Right then, that'll be two pounds ten and sixpence"

"Oh no, mate, this one's on you. You said to me 'What'll you have?', and I grudgingly acquiesced".

Obviously, a scuffle ensued, the fella was thrown out in the street, to shouts of "And don't darken my door again, or you'll get a proper kicking".

Next day the same fella came in. "I thought I told you yesterday never to come back in here after you refused to pay for that whiskey"

"Not me mate, fresh off the train. Look, there's my ticket. Pint of whiskey - that's madness, man"

"Well he looked just like you. You must have a double."

"All right - Jamiesons."

SC

How far off topic can we get? What colour do Hearts wear? Maroon! OK Mine's a pint

Oh its lovely to be by the sea -

Would you look at those shores...

[exeter]

Street Cobway could you run that past me again, I dont see the connection between the flowers, the vase and laying on the bed, am I missing something? Oh cheers mines a pint of Whiskey.

[StreetCowboy]

Street Cobway could you run that past me again, I dont see the connection between the flowers, the vase and laying on the bed, am I missing something? Oh cheers mines a pint of Whiskey.

Nae bother mate. If you want a special favour, you can tip a nip (great idea for a game show, that) into my glass and we'll see what we can do for you http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/540863-ten-things-you-will-never-hear-in-thailand/page__view__findpost__p__5186536.

Its a pretty visual gag, so you'd really need to imagine it to see the funny side.

Talking about gagging, that reminds me of another joke, which I'm sure you've all heard; I'll not bore you with the full story, but it ends "aye, but it was all one big one."

SC

[pastitche]

A true story. A bunch of us went to Ireland for a weekend of golf and alcohol abuse. We stayed at Bunratty Castle Hotel (quite posh) and next to the hotel was a pub called Durty Nellie's which claimed to be the oldest pub in Ireland. Don't google "oldest pub in Ireland" because there's loads making that claim.

Anyway, Durty Nellie"s was a very old place with nooks and crannies, sawdust on the floor and a live band on Sundays so we were there for the Sunday afternoon session, some of us listening to the Irish band and others enjoying the afternoon sunshine at tables outside.

One of our group who was drinking outside came into the pub and said to the barmaid "Could I have an astray?" She said " you're standing in it". He said "No, I'm drinking outside" and when she appeared puzzled he went on to say "I'm a cigar smoker and I like an ashtray to lay the cigar down". She looked at him for a few seconds and then asked "Which one of us is Irish".

[StreetCowboy]

Astro carry a show titled "SPL highlights" (Scottish Premier League. for those of you who are fortunate enough not to know)

They clearly don't rely on repeat business

SC

[pastitche]

Astro carry a show titled "SPL highlights" (Scottish Premier League. for those of you who are fortunate enough not to know)

They clearly don't rely on repeat business

SC

Now that is quite unfair, theblether needs to know that Motherwell are first of the also-rans.

[StreetCowboy]

Astro carry a show titled "SPL highlights" (Scottish Premier League. for those of you who are fortunate enough not to know)

They clearly don't rely on repeat business

SC

Now that is quite unfair, theblether needs to know that Motherwell are first of the also-rans.

To be sure. But when it comes to building up the excitement, the drama of the SPL... the videprinter on a Saturday afternoon is just fime ("telephone claims for 23 points and above"... but to make it a 30 minute show when there's not even any anthems? Now that is madness...

SC

[StreetCowboy]

So here's one that i'll be referencing from elsewhere...

Anyway, this chap got a job in the local general dry goods store; they sold everything from sanitary products to garden equipment.

"Now remember," the boss told him, "we don't get many customers in here, so we need to make the most of each."

"How do you mean by that, boss?"

"Well - say a fellow comes in here to buy a lawnmower. You sell him that, and then you say '...and would you like a shed to keep it in?"

"Right. Understood. Cross-selling".

Some hours pass before the first customer comes in

"Box of tampons, please, mate" the gentleman requests.

"Certainly, sir. And would sir like a lawnmower?"

"Why wouldI want a lawnmower?"

"Well, there'll be eff-all else to do this weekend"

[kevjohn]

So here's one that i'll be referencing from elsewhere...

Anyway, this chap got a job in the local general dry goods store; they sold everything from sanitary products to garden equipment.

"Now remember," the boss told him, "we don't get many customers in here, so we need to make the most of each."

"How do you mean by that, boss?"

"Well - say a fellow comes in here to buy a lawnmower. You sell him that, and then you say '...and would you like a shed to keep it in?"

"Right. Understood. Cross-selling".

Some hours pass before the first customer comes in

"Box of tampons, please, mate" the gentleman requests.

"Certainly, sir. And would sir like a lawnmower?"

"Why wouldI want a lawnmower?"

"Well, there'll be eff-all else to do this weekend"

So true.......

[BigJohnnyBKK]

So here's one that i'll be referencing from elsewhere...

Anyway, this chap got a job in the local general dry goods store; they sold everything from sanitary products to garden equipment.

"Now remember," the boss told him, "we don't get many customers in here, so we need to make the most of each."

"How do you mean by that, boss?"

"Well - say a fellow comes in here to buy a lawnmower. You sell him that, and then you say '...and would you like a shed to keep it in?"

"Right. Understood. Cross-selling".

Some hours pass before the first customer comes in

"Box of tampons, please, mate" the gentleman requests.

"Certainly, sir. And would sir like a lawnmower?"

"Why wouldI want a lawnmower?"

"Well, there'll be eff-all else to do this weekend"

This only works if:

You're buying the tampons for your sex partner AND you only have straight vaginal intercourse together AND then only when she doesn't have her period AND you only have one potential sex partner.

Lot of assumptions there. . .

Oh and you don't have a gardener, and what else. . .

[StreetCowboy]

So here's one that i'll be referencing from elsewhere...

Anyway, this chap got a job in the local general dry goods store; they sold everything from sanitary products to garden equipment.

"Now remember," the boss told him, "we don't get many customers in here, so we need to make the most of each."

"How do you mean by that, boss?"

"Well - say a fellow comes in here to buy a lawnmower. You sell him that, and then you say '...and would you like a shed to keep it in?"

"Right. Understood. Cross-selling".

Some hours pass before the first customer comes in

"Box of tampons, please, mate" the gentleman requests.

"Certainly, sir. And would sir like a lawnmower?"

"Why wouldI want a lawnmower?"

"Well, there'll be eff-all else to do this weekend"

This only works if:

You're buying the tampons for your sex partner AND you only have straight vaginal intercourse together AND then only when she doesn't have her period AND you only have one potential sex partner.

Lot of assumptions there. . .

Oh and you don't have a gardener, and what else. . .

I suppose you're looking to a discount?

[StreetCowboy]

"There was a bit of a fracas down the job centre the other day.

The had to take Derek's dad away in a van. It took four fellas to get him into one of those jackets"

"A strait jacket?"

"no, a donkey jacket"

[brit1984]

"There was a bit of a fracas down the job centre the other day.

The had to take Derek's dad away in a van. It took four fellas to get him into one of those jackets"

"A strait jacket?"

"no, a donkey jacket"

What colour was it?

[StreetCowboy]

"There was a bit of a fracas down the job centre the other day.

The had to take Derek's dad away in a van. It took four fellas to get him into one of those jackets"

"A strait jacket?"

"no, a donkey jacket"

What colour was it?

You are joking, aren't you?

Have you ever seen a Donkey wasm't black?

Admittedly, perhaps with dayglo orange shoulders...

SC

[StreetCowboy]

So Paddy had agreed to buy Farmer Mick's donkey off him for 500 Euros, and he'd come Saturday, to collect it.

But Friday night in the pub, Mick has some bad news.

"Sure, and I've a bit of bad news, for you, Paddy. That donkey that you'd arranged to buy, well, sure and it's dead now. So I've brought you your 500 euros back."

"No. I wants me donkey. I'll be around on Saturday wit' the van, same as we agreed. You can keep the 500"

"But Paddy, what will ye do with a dead donkey?"

"I'll raffle it, so I will."

"But nobody's going to buy a raffle ticket for a dead donkey, nor they will"

"And who's going to tell them it's dead?"

"Well, I think it'll all end in tears, so I do...."

A couple of weeks later, the two friends are in the pub again.

"And how did your dead donkey raffle go, then, Paddy"

"Smellin' of roses, so it was. I sold 500 tickets at two euros apiece, and I made 498 euros clear profit."

"498 euros profit. Did nobody complain?"

"Only the fella that won, so I gave him his two euros back"

[StreetCowboy]

90% of Scots think their country is the best in the world.

15% would be willing to live there

[StreetCowboy]

So this fella went into the doctor, and he said,

"Doctor, doctor, I want to be, eh ... castrated."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, quite sure. My wife and I have talked it over, and I want to be... castrated"

So he woke up in the post-op ward, and said to the bloke next to him

"What are you in for, then?"

"I've been circumcised"

"That's the word I was looking for!"

SC

[overherebc]

Astro carry a show titled "SPL highlights" (Scottish Premier League. for those of you who are fortunate enough not to know)

They clearly don't rely on repeat business

SC

Now that is quite unfair, theblether needs to know that Motherwell are first of the also-rans.

I remember my father talking to his mate the day after "The Diamonds" lost by a fairly big score to nil, not uncommon mind. He was telling his mate that after the match the goalkeeper decided to end it all and threw himself in front of a bus, he was lucky to survive as the bus went under him.

[overherebc]

Serious question,

On the way from Airdrie to Coatbridge there was a football ground on the right hand side, area was Coatdyke, if my memory is correct.

What was the name of the ground and resident team ?

Edit

Not trying to start a new quiz, I was talking to another "sweaty" a few days ago and neither of us could remember the name.

OK, 3/6p and a balloon for the answer,

[StreetCowboy]

So God was putting the finishing touches to the world, and he created a country for each of the races to live in; he'd got them all ear-marked at this stage.

"Right then boys, what have we here? Beautiful glens, majestic mountains silvery lochs fed by rivers teeming with salmon, peaty malt whiskies, oil under the sea..."

"Steady on a minute, God, are you not going a bit too far here?"

"Aye, but look at the neighbours, Gabriel..."

[StreetCowboy]

A chap walked into the doctor's with a frog growing out the top of his head

"Goodness me, how did that start?"

"Started as a pimple on my bum," said the frog.

[StreetCowboy]

Some time ago, when I was in a previous job, I noticed a fellow carefully marking out paving slabs with a pencil, t-square and a steel rule, prior to cutting them with a circular saw.

"My good man", I said, hoping to strike up a conversation with this humble tradesman "I note that you are taking commendable care and diligence in your measurements there, but did you know that in my employment at the National Physics Laboratory we can measure lengths with an error of one millionth of a millimetre?"

"Nae good in this job, pal. In this job ye've got tae be dead-on"

[StreetCowboy]

I was late in for school one day, having witnessed a tragedy on the way in

"Sorry I'm late miss. I've just witnessed a tragedy. A horse fell into a hole at the road works down on Court Street, and they had to get the vet out to shoot it."

"Did they shoot it there, in front of everyone, in the hole?"

"No, in the head, miss"

SC

[StreetCowboy]

A foreign gentleman approached two British police officers...

"Bonjour, messieurs, Ou est la gare"

"Sorry Fritz, we don't speak German"

...

Well, I can't be bothered telling the whole joke, so I'll just cut to the punchline

Eventually, he gives up in frustration and goes away grumbling "idiotes; kartopflkopfen..."

"Maybe we should learn a foreign language"

"I don't see the point. That bloke spoke five, and it never did him any good"