Frustated With Supporting Thai Wifes Family

[BambinA]

talking as a TH ... follow from custom 'n traditional .. decent 'n grateful kid should support parents and also family (you farangs 'd understand)

if i had a hubby , i 'd make a deal will him ..if he loves me , me must love my family

but i will work also..i will take care my family by myself..and if he wanna support that's ok..

i just dont want he think im trying to take advantage from him.

i think steveromagnino says all already ... maybe you have to talk with wife for make a deal (but soft talk and compromise, told her how do you feel..if she smart enuf ,she'll understand .. diff. cuture ,has diff thought

and i hope you can solve the prob. soon

[OlRedEyes]

If you want a good, loving Thai wife, who respects you, it doesn't suffice to be generous and easy to handle - you'll also  have to live up to your role as a husband. This includes putting down, your foot - and take the unavoidable confrontation with your wife as a man.

It is not too late to establish the proper financial arrangement, but your wife will fight to keep the advantages she's got. Take the confrontations, but act wisely.

The way we've arranged matters around here is that my wife and I has agreed on a reasonable allowance, and what it is supposed to cover. The coverage includes family "gifts" and all those silly things Thai women find so important but that I hate to pay. Her initial expectations weren't quite reasonable but after a few confrontations involving threats of divorce (from both partees) and smashed glasses, plates, and even threatening kitchen knives etc. (from one partee) we are both satisfied with respect to finances... (And I feel even more loved than before those fights).

Figure out what you think is a reasonable amount to offer your wife and her family. Don't be too stingy and don't be too generous. Tell your wife what you have decided - after you have removed all knives, scissors and the like from within her reach - there'll be a fight.

If your wife is nothing but a golddigger, you'll probably loose her - be happy to loose her while you still have some money left.

If she's a descent woman - who is merely performing her family duty, by easing off as much cash as she can convince you to depart with - she can only respect you for standing strong, because now you (finally) have started to act as a real husband (provided you actually are reasonable in your financial decissions).

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good advice.

It's a marriage of different cultures. Not a surrender to one culture.

Edited December 27, 2005 by OlRedEyes

[OlRedEyes]

Exactly, just as i mentioned in another forum.

When you marry in Thailand, you marry into a family.

All financial matters have to be arranged before you get married, that is Thai-style.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

She also marries into his family. I never see much said about how she should adjust to his culture. Thai-style does not rule the world, only Thailand.

[Guest endure]

Here in Thailand they tend to have their parents live with them and take care of them until they die. It also works for us farangs too if we are in a loving relationship as my wife and our son will look after me when I get old.

I change his pampers now, he changes mine later in life. (Oh sweet revenge)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Nice one

[meom]

I would suggest that you put your wife on a budget. Give her whatever you think is fair. Then if she wants money to give her family, it has to come out of her budget.  She is more likely to then screen the worthwhile causes from the scams.

Best advice so far.

I did the same and eventhough initially she didn't like it (silent treatment etc. for a couple of days) it worked out allright in the end. She'd rather save out of her budget and put it in the bank instead of giving in to the family demands.

[ThaiPauly]

This sounds like one of those 90/10 marriages instead of 60/40 (there isn't anything called 50/50).

You are stuck by your already to generous and considerate nature and will be the cash cow for this lady as long as you allow it to continue.

It sounds to me like a blow up is just what is called for and this inconsiderate and money grabbing useless lady needs to be relegated to the has been file quickly.

Next on her list is a new pickup for Papa to haul the pigs to market in and you can plan on being expected to buy it for him soon.  There will also be the need to buy more land since the original land is not enough to take care of the room the pigs need, and of course the outbuildings you will have to build to take care of the feed and by the way he does already need some more baht for the feed.

Get out of this mess quickly and get into the condo or space you want to live in and find a Thai lady that is worthy of you.  There are far too many great ladies to put up with this one.

My sympathy and wishes for good luck to you.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have to agree, an excellent post. Not want you want to hear, but it makes so much sense, in your situation you are risking your life in a "War Zone" for what? Wake up and SMELL the coffee

[billd766]

I paid a bride price, had a ceremony Thai style, and all that. But I am unable to get her family out of my pocket for some reason.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Divorce her. Hang on! Scratch that!

Grow a pair and then divorce her.

I've no sympathy for farangs who marry into low-class Thai families thinking it's love.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I normally don't bother to reply to this sort of post but obviously you are a man of vast experience in this area, so

El Tel

Please enlighten me as to how many low-class Thai families you have married into.

Do you have any actual experience or are you just looking for a response?

My wife is from one of your so called low-class families and we have been together for over 12 years and married for over 5 of them and I would not change her for any high-class Thai woman anywhere.

I also have quite a few farang friends who have also married your low-class Thai ladies and are extremely happy and successful.

[samran]

I am married to a Thai woman. We will have been married since April. I paid a bride price, had a ceremony Thai style, and all that. But I am unable to get her family out of my pocket for some reason. I am American and I do understand the importance of family and realize that if you are able to help then you should. I just spent a pill helping my wife sick grandma it the hospital for about 6 weeks getting proper care treatment and diagnosis. I felt good for doing that and dont regret it one bit. I recently told my wife that I want to get a bigger place (I cannot stand the small flat and I can afford pretty much anything I want) at least something with the bedroom seperate. She went into a tirade about me thinking because I have so much money I can do what I want (Being the filthy American that I am I do believe that if you can afford it and want it GET IT) We went back and forth about this for a few days with her main reasons for not wanting it being it is too much to clean, it will take away from money you save, you think you are a big shot. My main reasons where/are I work in the middle east (war zone), I want ot be able to come home to a comfortably sized living area (something bigger than my hooch in the field), I can afford it. After three days of bickering back and foth I finally relented and said never mind I will just stay in the small flat until I save enough for a condo. In this same coversation in wich I relented  not a full 60 seconds after I said never mind she brings up the idea to give her father 2000 usd to start a pig farm. Me being the dumb ass I am said OK (because I am thinking if I help them get a business going it will be less dough I will have to shell out in the future). But this is outrageous to think that this woman who I married thinks it is better for me to give her family money than it is for me to be comfortable when I come home.  I am very frustrated with the concept that her families well being and happiness is more important than mine. I thought that when you marry you become the most important thing to each other. I get the sneeky suspicion that the whole reason behind her arguments about my larger room was becasue she already told them I would cough op the 2k for the farm and me getting the larger room might spoil her plans for them. Is it normal behavior for a Thai woman to put her family before her spouse? I have a hard time believeing that would be the case if I was I Thai male and not a farang. So any suggestions on how to handle this? I am preparing for a confrontation and I want to make sure I understand all the angles. What really upsets me is that I am certian my well being and confort is second to theirs in her eyes. I cannot be with someone who cannot put my needs and desires first (same as I would hers) and I am sure I said this at least 2 million times before we got married. So what should I do? I dont want a divorce. I just want the same respect any other filthly capitalist scum would want from his significant other and I am not in the business of taking care of health people nor will I be for much longer.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Learning how to write in paragraphs would be a good start as well.

[Buff-horns]

its a common story ,being bled till you are dry . This is the straw that breaks the(farangs) camels back as they say. i know another guy that forked out for a farm ,with all the livestock .every time he went back there was less and less ,he found out that they were eating them. eventually they had eaten the lot and no more farm,hands held out again for more handouts.

she just keep on shelling out ,or walk away from the parasites.

[ThaiPauly]

its a common story ,being bled till you are dry . This is the straw that breaks the(farangs) camels back as they say. i know another guy that forked out for a farm ,with all the livestock .every time he went back there was less and less ,he found out that they were eating them. eventually they had eaten the lot and no more farm,hands held out again for more handouts.

she just keep on shelling out ,or walk away from the parasites.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Be mindful of what you say about Camels Buff-Horns

What does your quote

"she just keep shelling out, or walk away from the parasites" mean?

Have you made a typo/ booze zonked post ?

please clarify as this is an interesting topic

Happy New Year

TP

[Patex]

6 hours and 40 posts later, Augustus, what's up? Scared??

[ThaiPauly]

TROLL?????????????

[Felix Lynn]

Yeah, this could very well be a wind up post. I've certainly taken the bait.

Steve had some mighty wise things to say for what appears to be a losing situation.

I stand my ground if I think I'm doing the right thing. I rarely budge. I refuse to ever be a 'welfare state' for some Thai family who doesn't want to work. I work my ass off. I always have and I just can't see why it's the 'farangs' responsibility to support a lazy Thai family. I really can't believe this guy is not moving into a comfortable home he can afford if that's what he wants. Senseless. He works everyday and he has that choice.

If people marry unreasonable people and then try to reason with them later, they've already lost.

A pig farm??? This has gotta be a troll.

[papaya9]

Augustus-

As my wife once told me in response to telling her that I will never be #1 for her: "You'll always be #1 for me.. after my family"

Quite simply, your wife is taking advantage of you. Your main purpose in her eyes is to take care of her family, financially. They are programmed from birth to worry and take care of them. If the family is poor, you are the ticket out poverty. Not every Thai girl is like this, but it seems to be a common theme. I've had the same thing pulled on me, but I put my foot down. If she leaves you over it then consider yourself lucky!

[Padkapow Guy]

Get out now. Before the wife gets clued in and you end up having an accident.

Stay away from the balcony.

PKG

[BambinA]

TROLL?????????????

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A pig farm??? This has gotta be a troll.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

try to be optimistic..his thread is making sense 4 me

my first thread was a troll for TV memb's eyes(even it was a true story)

give him a chance please

[The Philosopher]

Draw the line then she how she reacts don't do when the rest of the family are around - if not this will go on forever until you are broke - then you will have nothing and she and her family will have it all

[tuky]

It is important to realise the differences between western and Thai cultures.

Ask a farang what greng jai means to him and he will pretty much answer to whole Thai/Farang difference debate in one sentence.

I know,it is not that simple but understanding greng jai is one of the most important building blocks in a cross cultural relationship in Thailand IMHO.

One of the biggest problems AFAIC in todays society is the eaderness to divorce, without actually giving things a really good try. This means that both halves of the relationship have to commit to trying, but if you can do that then you are halfway there.

This problem is not financial if you ask me, it has to do with understanding and compromise, on both parts.

AN earlier poster mentioned a book that helped me and my wife a lot. Infact we really enjoyed the fact that we could laugh at the previous troubles we have had once we understood why, and what our differences are/were.

I would nenver auto suggest divorce, initially I would suggest learning about each others cultures.

A side effect of my wife and I reading this particular book is that now her and her Mum and Dad are now studying english together.

Never give up without a fight.

[Wash]

I saw a struggling man in the original post that is in an impossible situation and will end up in what to me is a very sad place.

The gentle guys that are married to one of the few really lecherous ladies, be it Thailand or any place else, are waiting for a world of hurt at the end of that path. The real sadness that will come of a relationship like this one is a seperation driven by financial ruin.

I have genuine sympathy for the guys that come here buy a property in the wifes name, and usually vehicles and whatever else she wants and when his money is gone he is treated like garbage to the point that he must leave with absolutely nothing to live on and start over again.

The type of lady that is exposed in the original post is not the normal Thai lady and should be left by the side of the road sooner rather than later because what this is headed for is ruin to the genuine caring and generous soft spoken guy originating the post. For certain there are many absolutely great Thai ladies in all classes and I am very content and happy with my lady from the lower class, to whom I have been married for 6 years. She is very caring and considerate of me at all times, and considerate of our income and what we can do with it. Of course we help family and do it happily because they are hard working caring people and in this culture do need the help of their kids to survive.

So I stand by my comments in an earlier post suggesting a quick confrontation and if the results of that are each going their seperate ways it is better done now than before you have made investments in her and family that leave you destitute and heart broken. Do it now and if the result is as I suspect then it is time to find a decent and caring lady as your partner in life. There are too many decent and genuine ladies to allow yourself to be used so carelessly.

I continue to wish you good luck and a happy resolution to this sad situation and hope that good guys don't finish last again in your case.

Happy New Year

[tuky]

Great post Wash,

But I do not totlly agree.

Is it not possible that due to separations and difference in culture the two folks concerned in the Original Post just have not had enough time to adjust to each other?

How many times have you heard tat the Farang is/can be considered as a walking ATM? I am sure many Thai ladies have heard this too.

However, I believe and have proven that these obstacle can be overcome via dialogue and understanding. If, and only if the two parties are willing.

The OP didn't say she was unwilling, what he was doing I blieve was venting his frustrations. And quite rightly so.

So lets try to be a little more supportive.

I was in this position a while ago, and to a point always will be. But we have both learnt to cosult the other party and find out how he/she feels first, then compromise.

We are about to have our second child. I would not have had the first if we could have worked throug all the details first.

Background...My wifes family lives with us, but they are not allowed upstairs as that is my domain. In a 4 bedroom 4 bath house at any one time there are 10 people staying. If they are not immediate family they have to sleep on the floor downstairs, if they do not like it they go home. If they want to stay with us they clean each day. They go to the shop to guy my smokes and beers.

If the ice runs out and they are all asleep they have to realise that I will wake them up and send them off to buy more ice...don't like it? don't stay.

Mind you, it took about 4 years to get to this point

[khall64au]

You know what...? I'm sorry, but I think it sucks that farangs are expected to support their wife's family. The family extends from 2 to how many?????

Come on! Not fair! Give us a break......

I have NEVER expected a man to support me (as a western woman) and I find it highly offensive that western men are expected to support an ENTIRE extended family in this country.

What's the story? You guys are being taken for a RIDE - GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!

[Nickerelastic]

If the op's home had been much larger pre-marriage I wonder what his wife reaction would have been to downsizing in order to send money her family?

Would she be happy to do so?

Any man who works hard deserves a nice comfortable home first and foremost.

[OlRedEyes]

You know what...? I'm sorry, but I think it sucks that farangs are expected to support their wife's family. The family extends from 2 to how many?????

Come on! Not fair! Give us a break......

I have NEVER expected a man to support me (as a western woman) and I find it highly offensive that western men are expected to support an ENTIRE extended family in this country.

What's the story? You guys are being taken for a RIDE - GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yea. The ride is wrapped in a holy 'culture' wrapping, but it's a ride nonetheless.

[tuky]

You know what...? I'm sorry, but I think it sucks that farangs are expected to support their wife's family. The family extends from 2 to how many?????

Come on! Not fair! Give us a break......

I have NEVER expected a man to support me (as a western woman) and I find it highly offensive that western men are expected to support an ENTIRE extended family in this country.

What's the story? You guys are being taken for a RIDE - GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

With all due respect khall64au who is going to give my niece a chance in life?

She is 7 years old, she is a beautiful young girl, she is very smart, she helps my wife with our daughter (who has hit the terrible twos)?

Not her father who is god knows where, not her mother who is either working in a bar or gambling in Cambo but all the same uncontactable. Shall I ignore her plight and hope that she can meet a guy to take care of her when she hits 13?

Perhaps my circumstances are different to others, I can keep some family members without a great loss of income. But at the same time I am hopefully helping too.

My biggest concern is that the Dad will come back (He is widely known as persona non grata at my house) and cause trouble.

If you can help the family (and in a position to), would you?

[tuky]

You know what...? I'm sorry, but I think it sucks that farangs are expected to support their wife's family. The family extends from 2 to how many?????

Come on! Not fair! Give us a break......

I have NEVER expected a man to support me (as a western woman) and I find it highly offensive that western men are expected to support an ENTIRE extended family in this country.

What's the story? You guys are being taken for a RIDE - GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yea. The ride is wrapped in a holy 'culture' wrapping, but it's a ride nonetheless.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Then go home!!!!

Are you familiar with greng jai? I forget the name for the most important one.

Perhaps bambi can help here.

The old cliche applies...

[udon]

TROLL?????????????

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If he is a Troll, he's using a "War Zone" cable.

I don't think ha's a Troll.

He doesn't have as much time online as we do.

[khall64au]

You know what...? I'm sorry, but I think it sucks that farangs are expected to support their wife's family. The family extends from 2 to how many?????

Come on! Not fair! Give us a break......

I have NEVER expected a man to support me (as a western woman) and I find it highly offensive that western men are expected to support an ENTIRE extended family in this country.

What's the story? You guys are being taken for a RIDE - GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

With all due respect khall64au who is going to give my niece a chance in life?

She is 7 years old, she is a beautiful young girl, she is very smart, she helps my wife with our daughter (who has hit the terrible twos)?

Not her father who is god knows where, not her mother who is either working in a bar or gambling in Cambo but all the same uncontactable. Shall I ignore her plight and hope that she can meet a guy to take care of her when she hits 13?

Perhaps my circumstances are different to others, I can keep some family members without a great loss of income. But at the same time I am hopefully helping too.

My biggest concern is that the Dad will come back (He is widely known as persona non grata at my house) and cause trouble.

If you can help the family (and in a position to), would you?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have absolutely NO problem with giving individual family members wholehearted support. Take your niece to the end of the universe... I will help too if you need it!

I just don't agree with having to support the whole family. Thailand is just NOT THAT POOR!!!

[BambinA]

You know what...? I'm sorry, but I think it sucks that farangs are expected to support their wife's family. The family extends from 2 to how many?????

Come on! Not fair! Give us a break......

khall ja..its not about farang or thai

in thai/asian's culture , guy (even white, yellow or black if marry with yellow girl) has to support girl..

and as i said before .. good kid in TH(asia) should support family

NOW its just like cycle ..(guy support girl>girl support family)

just we have different thought and traditional ..ditto

methinks farang is not wrong ..if he/she think why Th/asian take advantage from farang..(fact is no)

and methinks its good if people support family

just how to make a deal with, that makes the farang partner(who has diff. culture) feel comfy and understand it

[tuky]

I have absolutely NO problem with giving individual family members wholehearted support. Take your niece to the end of the universe... I will help too if you need it!

I just don't agree with having to support the whole family. Thailand is just NOT THAT POOR!!!

Apologies Khall, I was perhaps being a tad harsh.

[OlRedEyes]

You know what...? I'm sorry, but I think it sucks that farangs are expected to support their wife's family. The family extends from 2 to how many?????

Come on! Not fair! Give us a break......

I have NEVER expected a man to support me (as a western woman) and I find it highly offensive that western men are expected to support an ENTIRE extended family in this country.

What's the story? You guys are being taken for a RIDE - GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yea. The ride is wrapped in a holy 'culture' wrapping, but it's a ride nonetheless.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Then go home!!!!

Are you familiar with greng jai? I forget the name for the most important one.

Perhaps bambi can help here.

The old cliche applies...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yawn. Where's home?