I Blew Up At The Missus This Evening.

[soi41]

The good news is you appear to know what is going on in her business life and her attempts to be somewhat independent so that doesn't mean that you aren't totally out of communication. An earlier poster asked when was the last time you felt happy with your partner and the relationship. Has there been anything notable that could have kicked off this perceived 'change of heart' on her part?

Nanlaew, you've made me think here.

A while before I went to the UK, someone posted on one of the forums. He scanned and posted a handwritten invoice and asked if anyone could translate. It was for some work on a bathroom. The handwriting was very difficult to decipher and I translated what I could. I foolishly showed this to the missus and asked her if she could read a couple of the lines. She immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was paying for somebody else's bathroom. I thought that I had explained it to her, but obviously she wasn't convinced. (The poster never even bothered to say thankyou for my efforts!)

While in the UK, I telephoned her via VOIP, When she received the call, it showed as coming from a Thai number. When I returned, she wanted to know where I had been and said that she was worried because she thought that I was staying with another woman and again mentioned the bathroom receipt.

I showed her my passport and she could see that my entry stamp was for that day and so there was no way that I could have been in Thailand when I called her.

Still, obviously there was this seed of doubt that had been growing for a while, and it's quite possible that despite seeing the proof, she is stll suspicious. That could be why she has been offhand lately.

you may have mentioned your 'alternative income' woes a tad too often?

Possibly. I find it difficult to convey that I not only have to think about my spending for today, but also for the years to come. I gave her the money for the car insurance a couple of days ago and told her that we have to be a bit careful for a few months as I only have 860K in my Thai bank account and I need to have 800K when I apply for my retirement extension in August. I can't move any more cash over yet as it is tied up.

Anyway, did you feel free of the worries while you were at home in May or was the 'problem' in Isaan always in your thoughts?

Yes, I was relaxed

Sorry about the long quote (how to quote only parts of a post?). What I am getting at here, is your comment about the 860k in the bank, if you have been with your lady for more than 5 years, why are you not married ? If you decide to stay where you are, get married and seek your extensions based on marriage. Only 400k requiered, you know the drill. Will get a monkey of your back and maybe relieve some of the pressure on the relationship? Before you masters of "Thai ladies should be kept short" get started, let me remind you, that the OP in his first post wrote: "generally, we get on quite well"

[NanLaew]

with your current rate of posting, you will reach 1000 posts. Soon you will be able to join the"popular boys" table and use the forum as a private chatroom, all "liking" eachothers posts ofcourse

?????????

soi 41, the proper terminology is gobshite.

[NanLaew]

... Speaking of my own situation, my wife is entirely different and completely trustworthy in every way. ...

And there you have it. The physicist's wife is not only different, she is ENTIRELY different.

Reminds me of a stunningly beautiful student sat opposite me on the MRT one morning. She was acknowledging my glances as well as I wished, "Please don't get a hard on... please don't get a hard on."

But she did.

[soi41]

with your current rate of posting, you will reach 1000 posts. Soon you will be able to join the"popular boys" table and use the forum as a private chatroom, all "liking" eachothers posts ofcourse

?????????

soi 41, the proper terminology is gobshite.

Had to google it. But spot on

[letitbe]

17+ years ago I made it clear to my wife a number of things. She totally misunderstood the west and I was relatively naive about the ways here but had had enough experience to know it was going to be a very rough road at times. It

took around 5 years before we each understood enough of others culture beliefs values and the rest. From the start

she said it would only work if we met halfway and certain rules had to totally be followed by both of us. This was after wed been together for around 2-3 years.

Her rules

No other girls period

We must both work together and help each other both doing our share

We had to meet halfway or at least 60/40

If we had children we must have enough to support them

My Rules

No other men

Her extended family get nothing ever. Her parents get nothing except some sin sot.

If her parents were hungry or in urgent need of medical attention wed help the best we could.

We meet 1/2 way

If she ever stopped loving me she had to walk out and id give her a very generous divorce settlement

If we had children they stayed with us

Our family came before her parents totally

Weve had terrible rows and at times im sure each of us considered walking out not because we fell out of love but just infuriating things with each others culture. For me the face thing was and still is the most difficult issue. For her

my desire to get everything done quickly and lack of mie penrie and all that. Like most couples while theirs still a buzz in our marriage its not after 19+ years together and 17+ married a volcano in several departments. Looking

back I really cant understand how we stayed together given first 5-7 years of volcanic eruptions on both sides.

Our 2 children helped keep us calmer.

[KeyserSoze01]

Loong, after reading some of the follow up on this story and the way you describe the actions of your wife, I am now not convinced that she has a lack of respect for you. In fact, I think she is just thick and doesn't know how to take care of the home, or cook, or clean, or how to show love and respect to you as her partner.

[NanLaew]

I was watching a TV show about cooks. ....

You just know this is going to end badly don't you?

[Geekfreaklover]

Life is too short to let a woman who is out all day earning two hundred baht a day call the shots in a house that you are keeping, Loong. Take a holiday. Rent a room somewhere and leave enough time for the daughter to miss you and for the daughter to ask her mom where you have gone. When you return, do it as if you have never left and make sure that there were financial consequences while you were gone. Your type of woman doesn't learn from words. she learns from financial consequences. Important to understand that.

[NanLaew]

Possibly. I find it difficult to convey that I not only have to think about my spending for today, but also for the years to come. I gave her the money for the car insurance a couple of days ago and told her that we have to be a bit careful for a few months as I only have 860K in my Thai bank account and I need to have 800K when I apply for my retirement extension in August. I can't move any more cash over yet as it is tied up.

NEVER ever put money in someones hand to pay a third party. She will cheat you, either not pay or exaggerate the cost.

You want to pay car insurance, go down to the insurance office and pay them yourself.

PS

Minimum government insurance is about 900bht, why pay more on someone else's car.

PPS

Check her car driving licence, she has one and it is currently valid, else the insurance is invalid anyway (so no point buying).

Just reading this makes me wonder whether a relationship based on mistrust is worth it in the end.

If I had to question my wife on mundane aspects like "do you have a driving licence or insurance" for me the game is up, probably before it began.

" She will cheat you, either not pay or exaggerate the cost." God there has to be some trust (and hope) out there, and I find it hard to believe this is typical of a Thai relationship!

I can't believe it either. Might be the typical young girl old guy relation ship that is based on money. I can't understand anyone wanting to live like that. I am careful but this is paranoid.

Hold on a minute. Where has the OP ever said he had doubts about his partners honesty or suspected she was ripping him off? There's a couple of prats posting their cynical, misogynistic thoughts and anecdotal experiences here and taking this pretty open and honest thread by the OP in the usual direction aided and abetted by punters jumping in half cocked without reading the OP's posts. Please read the posts or take your ignorant bloody lady hating <deleted> somewhere else <deleted>.

[marstons]

Get used to it or get out of it. Your a means to an end as many are, these Thai ladies dont have a deep fetish for farnags, just what farangs can give one way or another. Dout you will leave the child and doubt she will change. When you have served your purpose the matter will be dealt with for you.

[cardholder]

Get used to it or get out of it. Your a means to an end as many are, these Thai ladies dont have a deep fetish for farnags, just what farangs can give one way or another. Dout you will leave the child and doubt she will change. When you have served your purpose the matter will be dealt with for you.

This is probably the most cynical post of the 221.

[tinfoilhat]

with your current rate of posting, you will reach 1000 posts. Soon you will be able to join the"popular boys" table and use the forum as a private chatroom, all "liking" eachothers posts ofcourse

?????????

This thread have a little more than 160 replies, of those 80 are from 6 posters Either you are the real relationship-problem solvers, or you just like to see yourself "in writing" . With a few exceptions most of you don't contribute anything to make life better for the OP. Just talking between yourselves. Not only on this thread, but on many other subjects.

Good for Thaivisa to keep the forum alive

The phrase you're looking for is "serial posters"

Back on Topic: Anyone in the OP's position should consider how quickly it would take Drummond to put up a tent in the back garden if mummy were to (claim to) have found a stache of Gary Glitter albums in the house...

while i admit the statistic is truly sad, does little to improve the board, and has a whiff of tragedy about it, (especially for the 6), i cant help but think that the effort required to come up with those numbers is equally pathetic.

[David48]

May I politely request that you don't turn this thread into a "Thai women only with farang for money and they lie and cheat etc etc"

I have no doubt that my missus was actively seeking a farang to take care of her financially. I really don't have a problem with that and that is not what this thread is about.

My bolding ... but I am sure the OP is OK with that.

Gentlemen, we are trying to help looong with his problem with advice that might help him recover his situation.

Edited June 15, 2012 by metisdead
: 30) Do not modify someone else's post in your quoted reply, either with font or color changes, added emoticons, or altered wording.

[loong]

May I politely request that you don't turn this thread into a "Thai women only with farang for money and they lie and cheat etc etc"

I have no doubt that my missus was actively seeking a farang to take care of her financially. I really don't have a problem with that and that is not what this thread is about.

My bolding ... but I am sure the OP is OK with that.

Gentlemen, we are trying to help looong with his problem with advice that might help him recover his situation.

No problem with the bolding David

Seems that this thread has been well and truly hijacked now.

I have to say that it started well. I was actually impressed with the amount of constructive posts in the first few pages.

Many thanks to those who have made some really helpful contributions.

I know that some think that it is not a good idea to air one's problems on a public forum and expect it to be useful, but it has been very useful to me. It's allowed me to get a few things off my chest and I feel a lot better for it. And it's cheaper than paying a shrink

I made a mistake by posting whilst drunk, shouldn't have done that. No alcohol yesterday evening, just fruit juice. I really don't want to leave, I actually usually enjoy my life here, but both of us have been very busy lately and we are tired.

When she came home yesterday, she had been and had a tooth pulled. Apparently she'd had toothache for the last couple of weeks and suffered in silence, scared of the dentist.

At least she said hello. Or rather it was more like "Haewoe" accompanied by some dribbling.

Many seemed to have assumed that my missus is a selfish, lying, cheating moneygrabbing bitch.

Well, she can definitely be selfish at times, but I'm sure that I haven't posted anything to indicate the rest.

She's quite honest when it comes to money.

Some of you need to live in the real world. I am absolutely convinced that 99.9% of Isaan women that are with a farang, actively set out to snag a farang for financial reasons. It doesn't necessaily mean that they are scammers. Definitely there are some that are really mercenary and actively intend to part the farang from as much of his money as possible. Many just want a better life for them and their children.

The father of her 2 children left her when she was pregnant with the second. No financial support at all and has not seen his children for 6 years. Have you any idea how difficult it is for a single mum to take care of 2 children on the wages available around here?

Yes, she actively looked for a farang to take care of her. And I don't condemn her for that. At least I knew the score.

[SimonD]

@ loong,

I've followed this thread with great interest. Many of your experiences with your lady strike a chord with me but, due to self-imposed restrictions, I will not go into detail on my relationship on this, or any other forum.

Suffice to say I have met and had relationships with a number of women, both western and Thai, and until I found my 'Isaan Volcano' I was dissatisfied with them all before very long. They were all too.......bland, predictable, subservient. My lady has had a less than perfect life and struggled to raise her children without a father. She doesn't take any cr@p from anyone (including me) and I respect and admire her for that. What she lacked in material wealth before I met her she more than made up for it in character and personality.

Everyone is different. Some men prefer the company of submissive women, a slave rather than a life companion. Others need their relationship to have a spark or two, someone who challenges their partner and won't allow the relationship to descend into mediocrity.

Whatever your missus has got that first attracted you to her (not the other way around), it is still there - somewhere.

Go back and find it, don't let it slip away...

Good luck.

Edited June 14, 2012 by SimonD

[cardholder]

Good post loong, and good to see you more 'settled'.

My Isaan woman snagged me when she was 'fishing for Falang'.

I have made her secure and have never been scammed. Have the last 6 years been easy ? No - but in relationship, particularly a mixted-culture one, there are trials and tribulations. Would I swap those 6 years ? Not on your life. The turbulence seems somehow healthy and, despite the many rows, we rarely sleep back to back.

[David006]

...as they say..make your bed....

So if I read you right you are unhappy about the good wife working/going out coming home and then chatting to friends without greeting you or your step daughter and you perceive she is not being a good mother and spouse so you get mad and yell?

You are not alone...you were brought up that women should be homemakers and parents yes..hello kisses yadda yadda?

Must admit that Thai's in general are not the jump up and down kissy kissy types when visiting or returning home etc...tell you nothing about plans to go out or what we perceive as semi important stuff...until the moment before (sometimes).

It used to amaze me and get me uptight and stewing.....yes and would lose it a few times which ended in tears all round....

Unless you don't really love the wife then I would perhaps try to walk it off in baseball parlance..and adapt....enjoy the good times and your stepdaughter...time out from the everyday, together or alone is necessary.

Life is too short .....

Living 24/7 with anybody is going to be stressful for both of you..you are not joined at the hip by that bit 'o paper!!

Now where the hell has she gone now!!!??... Oh yes she is off to see her friends at the noodle stall.....better get on with the cleaning and washing,weeding, fix the #$%^ swollen sticking doors and windows etc now....

Then I will sit down and have a beer and read me book methinks...ah..... peace!!

[kerryk]

I got up at 7 to do the laundry and she was already gone. The following message on my phone woke me up, "I appreciate to have you come into my lonely life."

I'm making meatloaf for dinner with brown rice and vegetables. All Thai ingredients even the Flaming Thai BBQ sauce for the top of loaf are made in Thailand.

[pattayadingo]

Something Loong said in an earlier post about mistrust and it sowing those seeds of doubt so he had to show his passport stamp.

On my last trip to the UK I'd turned on the phone with my Thai sim card in. Not sure why I did it. Anyway, she obviously got a message to say my phone was now turned on and she was of the belief I was in Thailand when in reality I was at home in the UK recuperating after an appendectomy. She'd even tried phoning my number to talk to me but the call failed. That made her believe I was also refusing to talk to her even though I too was calling her VOIP every day from the UK.

The end result was she did not believe me even when I showed her the scar from the operation. She thinks deep down that I was being tended to and nursed by another Thai woman. That was when difficulties began and on my return the increased demands for me to give her so much money every month ( 20K) backed up by that dreaded peer pressure sh*t.

It is hard to get them to accept these situations even though we can prove where we were with visas and other proof especially when they know so little of the world.

Another factor in some of these situations is the cost of a UK trip. House to house return and incidentals like food and a few nights out costs a good 50000 + Baht and some believe it is money wasted, an extravagance that could have gone to them, even though we would not have a visa to stay in Thailand.

Too often they do not think like us.

Difficulties? Plenty of them

[TommoPhysicist]

It is hard to get them to accept these situations even though we can prove where we were with visas and other proof especially when they know so little of the world.

Your mistake is in even trying. "You think I was with another woman, what if I was? what you going to do?, If you want to leave, doors over there"

That is the correct way to handle mistrust.

[edwinclapham]

Pattayadingo, sounds to be a caring, fairly sensitive type, coupled with a sense of fairness and manners!

It is hard to get them to accept these situations even though we can prove where we were with visas and other proof especially when they know so little of the world.

Your mistake is in even trying. "You think I was with another woman, what if I was? what you going to do?, If you want to leave, doors over there"

That is the correct way to handle mistrust.

The gospel according to Tommo isnt necessarily the correct way. It doesnt matter with whom one is in a relationship with, it takes a good few years before trust is established.

Edited June 15, 2012 by edwinclapham

[samsiam]

I read the title as 'I blew up the missus this evening'.

Anyway...go on a holiday, take the 6yo for some real bonding if you are allowed. I have found taking my kids away one on one, or even 2 on one is a wonderful experience.

[GreenSnapper]

It is hard to get them to accept these situations even though we can prove where we were with visas and other proof especially when they know so little of the world.

Your mistake is in even trying. "You think I was with another woman, what if I was? what you going to do?, If you want to leave, doors over there"

That is the correct way to handle mistrust.

"Why you didn't pick up the phone, darling?"

"I couldn't. Busy with the Mia Noi."

That's how I handle situations like that. Works perfectly.

[beevis]

come on. op said it very eloquently, the missus's money is hers and his money is theirs.

it all about the money!

if op cant take care of himself , he isnt any help to the little girl. all she will see is weak , wussie man.

why guys cant see staright is beyond me-2 kids thai to start with, one really needs to be careful what one gets in to.

Edited June 15, 2012 by beevis

[NanLaew]

come on. op said it very eloquently, the missus's money is hers and his money is theirs.

it all about the money!

if op cant take care of himself , he isnt any help to the little girl. all she will see is weak , wussie man.

why guys cant see staright is beyond me-2 kids thai to start with, one really needs to be careful what one gets in to.

The OP does not fund their marital life 100% but you chose to gloss over this STATED FACT with your glib one-liner snap assessment. Before this one veers off into Thai money grubber ladyland again, are not ALL stable relationships founded on financial stability ANYWHERE?

I will agree that there may well a growing feeling of insecurity by the OP's partner to be considered but aren't there a fair few recent subscribers to TV forum that cited similar financial problems as being a contributory factor for their once stable relationships with farang ladies going down the toilet eventually? Although I would hazard that most of those subscribing to this action were more motivated by 'one can live cheaper than two' maxim. Add that to the 'just add money' aspect of casual sex that they 'discovered' over here on their post marital trauma sabaticals and they started flooding in.

And now mostly they are ALL experts on why their OWN partnerships failed and while not really understanding why it failed, are happy to post their less than practical and hugely inappropriate 'advice' here.

[pattayadingo]

It is hard to get them to accept these situations even though we can prove where we were with visas and other proof especially when they know so little of the world.

Your mistake is in even trying. "You think I was with another woman, what if I was? what you going to do?, If you want to leave, doors over there"

That is the correct way to handle mistrust.

Do what?

I notice you quote a small part of the post and left out totally the part where due to my actions, she believed I was actually in Thailand and that led to the misunderstanding in the first place. Also the relevant point about Loong's post where he showed his visa !!!

There is the door, get out??

You cannot handle a trust issue like that in a relationship. That is dictatorial and pathetic.

We have been given the ability to talk to enable us to overcome these misunderstandings and trust issues. As edwinclapham says, it takes time to build trust. And I'd agree with that and add that it takes time to build trust on both sides of a relationship.

Sometimes a firm hand is needed, other times a gentle way is needed.

But if some people who are inclined to order others about and put them under the thumb, up to them. I'd rather talk and understand first and then if all else fails, leave the relationship.

[soi41]

come on. op said it very eloquently, the missus's money is hers and his money is theirs.

it all about the money!

if op cant take care of himself , he isnt any help to the little girl. all she will see is weak , wussie man.

why guys cant see staright is beyond me-2 kids thai to start with, one really needs to be careful what one gets in to.

The OP does not fund their marital life 100% but you chose to gloss over this STATED FACT with your glib one-liner snap assessment. Before this one veers off into Thai money grubber ladyland again, are not ALL stable relationships founded on financial stability ANYWHERE?

I will agree that there may well a growing feeling of insecurity by the OP's partner to be considered but aren't there a fair few recent subscribers to TV forum that cited similar financial problems as being a contributory factor for their once stable relationships with farang ladies going down the toilet eventually? Although I would hazard that most of those subscribing to this action were more motivated by 'one can live cheaper than two' maxim. Add that to the 'just add money' aspect of casual sex that they 'discovered' over here on their post marital trauma sabaticals and they started flooding in.

And now mostly they are ALL experts on why their OWN partnerships failed and while not really understanding why it failed, are happy to post their less than practical and hugely inappropriate 'advice' here.

Excellent post ! Thank you.

[tutsiwarrior]

the wife left this morning to discharge her brother from hospital who got seriously busted up in a motorbike accident...we paid about thb30000 to assist him and his family and I see it as part of our responsibility...

problem is that he has never said a word to me and never meets my eye when we are in the same room...and I remarked as much to my wife who just said that he is illiterate and mentally difficient and I responded: 'and why does an illiterate and mentally difficient individual presume that he can assume responsibility for suppporting a family? (he has 2 little boys)...'

she just shrugged her shoulders in irritation...

If there's one thing I've learned in Thailand: Beware The Brother.

Ah, the brother, yes, met a few guys we ''thought'' were brothers, or cousins or family friends, but you know the rest.

yeah...I expected the scepticism but there are a few other brothers who are always friendly and helpful (she has 4 brothers and a sister and I am sexually attracted to her mother)...the busted up brother has a pleasant chubby wife who has her hands full with her boys and the wife always likes to help them which is OK if we have the extra money...

the point is that he is mentally deficient and this has to be allowed in Thailand like everywhere else but usually in the west such folks are discouraged from having families and responsibilities...it's just another way that asia is different from the west that requires some falang effort to understand...

and then the other day 'the niece that left school and broke my heart' came by with her husband and baby who is walking now...and I noticed that her husband never looks me in the eye either...he always wais and is polite and then the niece looks up at me in a way that I can't resist (she was always my girl and I love her very much) with a look that sez: 'I know that you don't approve, uncle tutsi...'...

before I never said nothin' but the message was clear: 'why the <Snip!> do you not want to stay in school???!!!...with yer beauty and smarts you can do anything that you want!!!...' and she just wasn't interested...that sort of western 'freedom' is just not acknowledged in Thailand...

Edited June 15, 2012 by metisdead
: Profanity removed.

[loong]

I don't know why, but some of you seem obsessed with the money aspect.

Sure, she does rely on financial support from me, but then again, how much would it cost me if I left?

I would have to rent somewhere and I would require a large garden, bills would probably be similar to now. I would almost certainly go out more and I think that I would probably spend more than I do now.

Show her door and tell her to leave? It's her house! OK, it's maybe not a luxury accomadation, but better than most houses around here. And no, I didn't build the house, she already had it, but I did pay for tiling etc and bring it up to above hovel level.

[edwinclapham]

I don't know why, but some of you seem obsessed with the money aspect.

Sure, she does rely on financial support from me, but then again, how much would it cost me if I left?

I would have to rent somewhere and I would require a large garden, bills would probably be similar to now. I would almost certainly go out more and I think that I would probably spend more than I do now.

Show her door and tell her to leave? It's her house! OK, it's maybe not a luxury accomadation, but better than most houses around here. And no, I didn't build the house, she already had it, but I did pay for tiling etc and bring it up to above hovel level.

I can understand writing at the time of depression/ desperation, a few drinks or whatever for advice... but personally I would be loath so see a few of the posts on your thread when referring to my nearest and dearest, out of sheer loyalty more than anything else. Yes I realise that the loyalty from her might not be reciprocal but this is a problem only you can solve and you alone.

Edited June 15, 2012 by edwinclapham