In A Relationship: Are Lies Acceptable?

[Geekfreaklover]

Being looked straight in the eye and lied to makes me crazy, because she thinks I am that damned stupid.

I know the feeling brother

Haha,,,

That look....

....The 'I'm lying look please forgive me' look is part of Thai culture,

Better get used to it.,

She is NOT thinking you are stupid. She is implying 'I have to lie right now because the truth will lead to a confrontation that I do not have the tools to enter because I might lose face and then where would we both be?'

Yes, it sucks, but I, for one, prefer this approach to the aggresive antagonist approach personified in many of our fellow westerners' relationships.

[Lopburi99]

Being looked straight in the eye and lied to makes me crazy, because she thinks I am that damned stupid.

I know the feeling brother

Haha,,,

That look....

....The 'I'm lying look please forgive me' look is part of Thai culture,

Better get used to it.,

She is NOT thinking you are stupid. She is implying 'I have to lie right now because the truth will lead to a confrontation that I do not have the tools to enter because I might lose face and then where would we both be?'

Yes, it sucks, but I, for one, prefer this approach to the aggresive antagonist approach personified in many of our fellow westerners' relationships.

They both suck Geek. My first wife (Caucasian) of 23 years never, ever lied in an obvious manner like my Thai female acquaintances have/do. But the eye rolls, laser eye darts or other body language were worse, I must admit.

[rattler]

There is a big difference between a mere white lie and a secret that can destroy a relation.

Im all for destroying a "relation"

[bangkokburning]

The only lie my now wife has told me is that we agreed that we would buy new Google phones in USA. While I was away camping she bought a Nex4 from Jaymart knowing I would go ballistic. She lied by omission.in conversation trying to soften me up.for when I returned and saw she spent 15k on a bloody phone.

She is as lovely and honest as the day I met her more than three years ago.

Our lives are simple, there is no drama or other people - no need to.lie.

Our email and fb accts are left open out of both trust and laziness.

So either,

1) she spent 15k of her own money on a phone and you are a control freak

or

2) she stole 15k of your money and ..............

I would be interested to know which answer is more correct?

TommoPhysicist, on 04 Mar 2013 - 18:49, said:

bangkokburning, on 04 Mar 2013 - 16:37, said:

The only lie my now wife has told me is that we agreed that we would buy new Google phones in USA. While I was away camping she bought a Nex4 from Jaymart knowing I would go ballistic. She lied by omission.in conversation trying to soften me up.for when I returned and saw she spent 15k on a bloody phone.

She is as lovely and honest as the day I met her more than three years ago.

Our lives are simple, there is no drama or other people - no need to.lie.

Our email and fb accts are left open out of both trust and laziness.

So either,

1) she spent 15k of her own money on a phone and you are a control freak

or

2) she stole 15k of your money and ..............

I would be interested to know which answer is more correct?

Some couples who trust each other actually have joint accounts, Tommo. Not every couple is insular from their partners and have separate accounts. And, what one person might find a necessity their partner might find frivolous.

We have a joint account to which we both contribute

She spent her own money on the phone. The issue has a number of points to it. I am steadfastly opposed to expensive phones, we have five Internet devices already, she had lost a phone prior (not that she will lose this one, but shit happens), We allocate lots of money for travel, this was a misallocation of money. Zero sum, used for phone not used for trip (as we try to keep bank balances), While we share expenses I do most of the sharing. Most importantly what you missed Tommo is tgat it is simply a lack of patience and a waste of money. She is a great saver, she has simple needs, she spends her own money and I am blessed BUT when I pay for a ticket to USA it doesn't free her money up to go spend it on bullshit - especially when the same crap can be had at half the price in USA. She understands this well in regard to shoes, clothes and outdoor gear as well as expensive food she likes.

Control freak - perhaps a bit but she has her own money and if anytbing I encourage her saving both her own and in our joint acct.

You are just a sour cynic, reading your posts I don't think you have ever had anyone love you nor you the ability to love in return.

Thank you Rene

[TommoPhysicist]

@BKB

According to the UK divorce courts, trying to control a partners access to money is a form of domestic violence and reason for divorce. If you have a joint account, you have given her permission to use the funds without having to OK it with you.

[Scully]

Some Thai's have a very big problem with saying "i don't know the answer". I asked a girl in 7-11 for an i talk card "don't sell" although I bought one last week, asked a tuk tuk driver for directions pointed "qaar by neung kilo tee siy OK? drove a little got my bearings and it was nowhere near where he said.

I don't have a problem with this, it's definately a national trait, I am single at the moment (well with a bit on the side) but any big lies and they are booted out, and they know this before anything serious starts.

[transam]

Some Thai's have a very big problem with saying "i don't know the answer". I asked a girl in 7-11 for an i talk card "don't sell" although I bought one last week, asked a tuk tuk driver for directions pointed "qaar by neung kilo tee siy OK? drove a little got my bearings and it was nowhere near where he said.

I don't have a problem with this, it's definately a national trait, I am single at the moment (well with a bit on the side) but any big lies and they are booted out, and they know this before anything serious starts.

In your case then, boots will have to be your footwear choice in LOS.

[canuckamuck]

Some Thai's have a very big problem with saying "i don't know the answer". I asked a girl in 7-11 for an i talk card "don't sell" although I bought one last week, asked a tuk tuk driver for directions pointed "qaar by neung kilo tee siy OK? drove a little got my bearings and it was nowhere near where he said.

I don't have a problem with this, it's definately a national trait, I am single at the moment (well with a bit on the side) but any big lies and they are booted out, and they know this before anything serious starts.

I need a translation of what you wrote, but asking directions in Thailand is equal to rolling a dice. The best plan is to ask directions from three separate people and then triangulate.

[eek]

Scully, will likely make a difference if you try speaking Thai with Thai people next time, rather than that weird alien language you wrote ()

BangkokBurning, just a thought, you might find the phone an expensive waste of money, but your wife might not.Im tech minded, my partner isnt.He doesnt "get" my android phone yet i utilize it to the max. I, on the other hand, think the phone he uses belongs in the dark ages. Sometimes we dont always understand our partners uses or purposes for something. Even if she just likes having a nice phone, and gives her a great deal of pleasure of merely "face", surely if shes generally thrifty, she is intitled to that pleasure? Im sure you have some nice gadgets or items you like just because they are a pleasure to own (tv or speakers maybe?). Sometimes people just need to indulge occasionally, and as long as it isnt a common occurrance or breaking the bank, i really think we shouldnt let it bother us too much.

Anyway, just my thoughts...and sorry for off-topic

[kaffeburk]

If they lie, they wont stop - just wont happen. That you caught her once wont work any magic, she just expect you to forget the incident and if she not confess it have never happen. If you don't have that 100% feeling that this is very good, then its not. Play the game, make a plan - stick to the plan and end it in such a way neither you emotions or finance get into trouble. Be one step ahed.

[Berkshire]

Just read this article, titled "When it's OK to lie in a relationship": http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/03/11/when-it-ok-to-lie-in-relationship/?intcmp=HPBucket&intcmp=features

Note this is a western article.

So appropriate for this thread. Some excerpts:

"Couples lie to each other an average of three times a week, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing,.."

"So how bad is all this lying? Surprisingly, it’s not so horrible for
your bond. “Although it’s very common, the motives behind it aren’t bad..."

“The most dominant motives were to avoid conflict, negative feelings, and hurting your partner.”

"For the most part, deception was used to help maintain the
relationships. And according to researchers, these little white lies are
pretty harmless. “We don’t always want to know the truth all the time,”
says Horan."

And obviously:

"...if your motives include covering up something major—like that
you’re over the relationship or that you’ve been cheating—you’re
probably doing more harm than good."

So to those on this thread who says they NEVER lie, you're lying.

[rene123]

()

"BangkokBurning, just a thought, you might find the phone an expensive waste of money, but your wife might not.Im tech minded, my partner isnt.He doesnt "get" my android phone yet i utilize it to the max. I, on the other hand, think the phone he uses belongs in the dark ages. Sometimes we dont always understand our partners uses or purposes for something. Even if she just likes having a nice phone, and gives her a great deal of pleasure of merely "face", surely if shes generally thrifty, she is intitled to that pleasure? Im sure you have some nice gadgets or items you like just because they are a pleasure to own (tv or speakers maybe?). Sometimes people just need to indulge occasionally, and as long as it isnt a common occurrance or breaking the bank, i really think we shouldnt let it bother us too much.

Anyway, just my thoughts...and sorry for off-topic"

I think Bangkokburning meant if his gf wanted the expensive phone then she should have waited until they were in the USA and bought it there. Otherwise, I agree with you. Everyone has their own idea of what is worth purchasing. I buy expensive cameras but I have a friend in Canada whose only camera is the one on his 6 year old cel phone that he seldom has with him. He always says "$3000 !!! Why would you spend that much on a camera for pictures nobody looks at?" He has a point, but I don't mention to him that he spends more on booze, cigarettes and fine dining in 2 months than I do on my cameras that will last me 3 or 4 years before the latest models come out.

[Rockhopper]

Read the book, "Thailand Fever." It's about Thai-Western relationships.

[FunFon]

Things in common between farangland and here:

Both cultures claim that not lying is a virtue and lying is bad.

Almost everyone lies sometimes, to the extent that those few of us who really make an effort to be scrupulously even brutally honest find it difficult to do so consistently. "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

It is also my perception that in Thailand a higher percentage of people lie to me more frequently than the people I interact with back home. However I do recognize that I hang with a better class of folk back home than the average Thai I run into here.

And of course if I'm with a pretty girl much younger than me here in Thailand I will constantly and actively be testing and taking countermeasures to make sure I'm never in a position to lose more than I'm willing to give away.

When I do occasionally run across one that isn't actively scamming and stealing from me, that's when I'm surprised, not by petty keeping the change, inflating bills etc, don't sweat the small stuff.

And when I find one that is as rigorously honest that's when I'm flabbergasted with awe - in fifteen years only happened once, and damn I shoulda married her.

But then she'd be too old for me by now. . .

[Theoutsider]

Yes but I lie

[rookball]

i lie to my partner because she simply nag too much. if she know the old african twin,996 and bimmer z3 downstairs were all mine, i would be a dead man, a really dead man