Wanna Hear A Blonde Joke ?

[Crow Boy]

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

[Crow Boy]

BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"

WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."

BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."

[Crow Boy]

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

[Crow Boy]

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

[Crow Boy]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

[Crow Boy]

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

[Crow Boy]

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "no way buddy! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

[Crow Boy]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

[Crow Boy]

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

[Crow Boy]

One afternoon a blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

Edited March 26, 2007 by Crow Boy

[Crow Boy]

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," she said.

"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

[Crow Boy]

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

[Crow Boy]

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

[Crow Boy]

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."

By the time she drove the eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Edited March 26, 2007 by Crow Boy

[Crow Boy]

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.

[Crow Boy]

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.

[Crow Boy]

How do I get across that river?

A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"

[Crow Boy]

A Medical Dictionary for Blond Nurses

Artery -- Study of paintings

Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria

Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarean section -- District in Rome

Cat scan -- Searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- Sheep dog

Coma -- A punctuation mark

Congenital -- Friendly

D&C -- Where Washington is

Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events

Dilate -- To live long

Enema -- Not a friend

Fester -- Quicker

Fibula -- A small lie

G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- Suitcase

Hangnail -- Coathook

Impotent -- Distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- Got hurt at work

Medical staff -- Doctor's cane

Morbid -- Higher offer

Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate

Node -- Was aware of

Outpatient -- Person who had fainted

Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- Letter carrier

Protein -- Favoring young people

Rectum -- It almost killed him

Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- Amorous

Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- Hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- Study of knighthood

Tablet -- Small table

Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport

Tibia -- Country in North Africa

Tumor -- An extra pair

Urine -- Opposite of you're out

Varicose -- Located nearby

Vein -- Conceited

Edited March 26, 2007 by Crow Boy

[Crow Boy]

A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge directly above her

[Crow Boy]

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

[Crow Boy]

Q: Why are blondes like dog turds?

A: The older they are the easier they are to pick up

[Crow Boy]

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?

A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?

A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?

A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

[Crow Boy]

Q: How do you plant dope?

A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?

A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?

A: No smoking.

[Crow Boy]

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you drown a blond?

A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. c0pyr|ghta!haj0k3s

Q: How do you drown a blond?

A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?

A: Flattered.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?

A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

[Crow Boy]

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?

A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?

A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold

[Crow Boy]

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?

A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?

A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?

A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

[Crow Boy]

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

[Crow Boy]

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?

A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?

A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter

[Crow Boy]

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?

A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?

A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?

A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

[Crow Boy]

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?

A: "Thanks for the refill!"