Int'l School Teachers Married To Thai Nationals

[electric blue]

Dear Thailand teaching community,

I wish to ask for your viewpoint and experiences related to the above topic and my specific situation. After discovering Thailand backpacking and then putting in several years of hard work I have finally landed a job at a international school here.

During one of my first "backpacker" jobs here several years ago I started a relationship with a girl and this has continued ever since. I picked up intermediate level Thai quite quickly and she intermediate English, communication was just about OK but we enjoyed each others company and slowly planned a future. She works for a company and has a salary of 20-30k working a 8-5. My understanding is that if we were to start a family, her working these hours, once the children start school, would not be practical as a second working parent to my already demanding job. I expressed that one of my values is that I think it is important for her to work or do something purposeful rather than sitting at home, its not about the money, but doing something meaningful with her life, and suggested becoming a teaching assistant. This would be a job that she said would enjoy, it would not be too demanding, she could collect the children from school, we could have the same holidays as a family. She agreed at working toward this future with me. I worked incredibly hard, affecting my health at one point with stress, to get to the position I have today. The only thing that she needed to do was commit to learning English, I bought books, software, DVD's etc. All unused collecting dust.

I am feeling quite let down by this lack of commitment from my other half. I work with a guy that has been here a while that has told me its quite typical for Thai women to just want the easy life and stay at home, no ambition for anything better saying his wife is exactly the same, lovely girl but lazy, playing on the iPad all day at home while he takes his son to and from school she just looks after the house inbetween playing games.

I guess what I am asking for here is your experiences here and should I just get out now or settle for 2nd(?) best. I am being too unrealistic to expect my partner to give up a monotonous office job for one that is fulfilling (yes she loves interacting with kids) and would coincide with family life? Should I be expected to bear the weight of everything in the family? Run for the hills now?

btw we are early 30's

Thanks

[Phatcharanan]

The fact that you are even posting these issues on a forum would suggest that not all is well, particularly with your own expectations.

If she does not fall into line with your admittedly noble thoughts, it will only continue to eat away at you in any event.

[Scott]

It's pretty hard to control other people.

She has a good job, making good money and you want her to leave it for a job that will pay maybe 12,000 baht per month?

Our teacher's assistants do not enjoy particularly good working hours. They certainly do not get off work the same time the students do.

[DoctorEric]

get out now.

[electric blue]

Thanks for your answers. I don't want her to leave her job, I just cannot foresee how she could continue once we have a family, unless of course I gave up work which would not be economically viable. Perhaps my expectations are unrealistic and her simply staying at home is not such a bad thing for her, does this work for anyone else here? Scott, Phataranan are you married with a family? I am trying to get a clear picture of how the future could pan out from teachers currently in this situation - once I commit there's no going back.

[thequietman]

Ateaching assistant job is a non stop in everyday crap job in Thailand. I have seen such people in my school and they are not happy. Do this, do that, wash the directors truck (really) clean the classrooms, come in on a saturday and sunday to do school security and the BS list goes on.

You will not have the same days off, she will be asked to come to school all thorough the school holidays and she won't be happy.

Just stick with what you have now. I think you just need to get the family idea you have out of your head. Be realistic, be happy and things have a way of working out.

I wish you the best no matter what you decide.

[HeavyDrinker]

I'm a bit fogged here.

You want her to give up a job paying 20-30K a month (which is pretty darn good potatoes in Thailand for a woman in her thirties) to become a classroom skivvy just because you see it as 'meaningful' and don't want her sitting around the house when she's done for the day?

While I know little about the teaching game, it sounds like your missus is doing very well in her chosen career. A few of the girls at my office have been teaching assistants in the past. For most it was their first job after graduating - merely a stop-gap while they found something better - and none of them have anything good to say about their time in the classroom. Not one.

It sounds like your missus has been thinking it through and prefers well paid monotony to underpaid hassle and stress. I'd say that the fact that her learning materials are lying around, gathering dust are her way of telling you exactly this in a non-confrontational way.

I'm guessing on that sort of salary at her age that she is a professional (i.e. above secretarial and lower admin levels) so I think you're asking a lot of her to be frank.

I'd also guess that at her status level in her place of employment she has a fair amount of clout, works decent hours and also has the chance to keep moving up the ladder.

For (young) women especially it is very tough here to quit a decent job and then just walk back into at a similar level if things don't work out for her. You're asking her to gamble her entire working life on your whim.

Not to be harsh but I'd have a look at yourself and ask if you're not being a tad selfish or over-idealistic here.

Have kids by all means, but just do as the Thais do when they have kids, ship in (or ship the kids out to) her mother, auntie, sister or simply employ a nanny to look after the kids while she goes back to work post sprog. You can afford it.

Edited May 10, 2013 by HeavyDrinker

[Scott]

No, I do not have children here in Thailand, but I supervise staff who are married and have children. All of them, including the Filipino teachers, have domestic help to care for the children.

When your child is born, the child will need full-time care until it starts school--which is going to be about 3 years (2 1/2 for Nursery). I suggest you find a maid/child minder who is live in and can care for the child. If you want English, then a Filipino might work out for you. Perhaps your GF has a relative.

Even our assistants in nursery have a rather rigorous schedule and remember there are a lot of interruptions to school--there are the outbreaks of Hand and Mouth disease, that causes KG and nursery to close. Teachers and assistants have to come in and scrub and clean everything. The same with the outbreaks of flu. Then there are the floods and other natural calamities, oh and do remember we are about due for a red shirt uprising or a yellow shirt uprise, or a multiple color uprising, or a war with Cambodia over 4++ km of scrubland.

At least if there is a coup, then both students and teachers stay home.

I can tell you this much, parenting is a major headache and a HUGE expense and although it might be worth it, it is at least as unpredictable as a trip to the Casino.

Oh, and did I mention all the little diseases the your child might get that keeps only him home from school and someone has to stay home with him/her.

Best of luck.

[CWMcMurray]

Sounds like she has a pretty good job now...

An if salary is 20-30k and she is only 30, if she keeps at it and continues to move up the chain can likely expect to double or triple that over the next 10 years

Although if switching to teacher assistant would be pretty much maxed out at 12k per month without any real chance for promotion unless going back for her teaching degree (i think)

I agree with others and have MIL or relative or hire nanny to come live in to help with the kids

That is the best solution

For me... The MIL is very good and has been living in with us since the kids were born and takes car of the kids and household stuff while the wife and I work

Edited May 10, 2013 by CWMcMurray

[culicine]

Scott's ideas are good. My wife and I have a 9 year old boy, and my wife just stopped working for a few months when out boy was born. At that time my mum was here helping, but she went home after 6 months. From about 6 months out son went to a nursery at my wife's college, until three or 4. She would get him in the afternoon and bring him home. Now he is in my school so things are very easy. During the early years we had a housekeeper to help as we were both working. Now my wife works in Korat and I look after him in the week. It's not a problem.

Let your wife keep her well paying job (teaching assistants are not well paid and don't necessarily get the same holidays as the kids. So she would have to have a housekeeper anyway or bring your child to school each day while she's working. A Thai speaking housekeeper is fine as your child's first language will be Thai. My son now speaks both languages without much trouble. Good luck.

[LucidLucifer]

It's pretty hard to control other people.

She has a good job, making good money and you want her to leave it for a job that will pay maybe 12,000 baht per month?

Our teacher's assistants do not enjoy particularly good working hours. They certainly do not get off work the same time the students do.

The TAs at the international school I work at earn over 20k per month, and their working day is 7.30 am - 3.45 pm. Just like teaching jobs, there are good ones and bad ones.

In terms of holidays, they get the same as the children and western teaching staff, except for the long end of year break where they are expected to help with a three week summer camp.

Edited May 10, 2013 by LucidLucifer

[DaBloodyMess]

For some of those putting their 2bahts wortth in, you cant compare the conditions of TA's in Thai schools to those in Internatioanls... its a whole different kettle of fish.

Now OP, you are sounding a bit too controlling and patronsing tbh.... maybe she is the one that should consider leaving. She earns enough to keep working and pay someone to care for any kids you may have... so let her keep doing the job that she no doubt worked quite hard to get (beause 30k for Thai nationals is pretty good).

Edited May 10, 2013 by DaBloodyMess

[engrin]

get out of it bro

[LucidLucifer]

For some of those putting their 2bahts wortth in, you cant compare the conditions of TA's in Thai schools to those in Internatioanls... its a whole different kettle of fish.

In the interest of balance, yes we should. The OP is stating he would like his gf to get a job as a TA. To read some of the above posts you would think it is a dead end job, long hours, short holidays and little pay; that isn't necessarily the case.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Burmese maid/nurse for about 6-8k a month.

Do not allow this woman to live off you. She will be bored and get into trouble, you will become resentful.

Nothing to stop your relationship continuing at it's current pace.

She has her job and lives at her place. You have your job and live at your place.

Don't say no, just fight a delaying action, not the right time, need to save for home deposit, etc., etc.

Edited May 10, 2013 by AnotherOneAmerican

[Dorkers]

Of the 2 international Schools I have worked at here in Thai, and also knowing TA's working at other International schools - all of them have been on at least 20k a month, with working hours from 8 to 3.30, or 8 - 4.00. Same holidays as the teachers as well.

I have worked in my class with half a dozen different TA's and there are a few diamonds who work their guts out and a few that display little initiative and certainly have a lazy streak .

For your Mrs, if her office job is 'cruisy' sabai sabai style then although the holidays are there for teacher she should expect to busy all day long if she is on her game as a TA.

I know 3 different 'dead wood' TA's that are being cut out by much higher performing Phillipino TA's who have a work ethic that leaves the 'cruisers' in the shade.

[electric blue]

Thanks to all those who gave constructive comments. I am getting a clearer picture of the possibilities.

Just because my partners salary is in the range it is does not make her some kind of professional, she is doing OK for herself but she has no transferable skills from the job. She just gets paid well for what she does and works for a decent company. I know many Thai people with an education making a lot more.

As to me being controlling I could not disagree more, we agreed on a future early on that we would work towards, she couldn't be assed to fulfil her end of the deal, but whatever it happens. If the tables were turned and I was the lower earner I would be more than happy to be a p/t house husband and take a lower stress yet rewarding job that coincided with family life. That aside the only TA work that I meant for her to do would be my school or other real international schools on 20K+ with decent working conditions and with professionals, the top 10 schools or thereabouts. As for the comment about her earning enough to pay for my kids...you must have real high career aspirations buddy.

Anyway thanks again to all those offering useful insights into how to manage in situations I highlighted above.

Edited May 10, 2013 by electric blue

[guru]

TAs at my international school are also 20k and same holidays and working hours as normal teachers. In fact the TAs assigned to my class have an easy job.

[janejira]

I just wanted to offer another viewpoint. I'm an expat teacher (foreign female) in Thailand. I've been in a relationship with a Thai man for almost 5 years now. We have been talking more about our future and when we have children. We are in our late 20s. He has told me that by that time we have kids (probably within the next 3 years) he hopes to earn enough so that I don't have to worry about working and can stay home to take care of the kids until they are old enough to go to school. I've politely protested this idea, because I enjoy teaching and would go crazy staying at home all day.

His response, then, was that if I wanted to keep on working, he would be more than happy to become the "househusband" to look after our home and the kids.

We don't live near his family and my family doesn't live in Thailand. I think the idea is that either one of us needs to stay home with the kids or we will have to pay a stranger to take care of our family. It seems that the has a strong preference that one of us stays home.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

You do all understand that many Thai children start nursery school at 18 months old.

Talking about giving up work forever, because you need to care for baby over an 18 month period seems a little excessive.

Edited May 11, 2013 by AnotherOneAmerican

[Baerboxer]

Have you tried discussing all this with her and seeing how she really feels? Career change, children, etc - you seem to be planning her future as you see it - not necessarily how she sees or wants it to be.

Cross culture relationships had extra dynamics. You need to discuss things carefully and make sure your visions for the future are compatitable. Otherwise, you'll have big issues on the horizon.