Getting Engaged - Giving Gold To Parent "normal"?

[aaron76]

They are taking advantage of you.

You don't necessarily even have to pay a dowry. It depends on the family, the girl and status in society.

The standard asking price for a village girl in Issan is 200000 baht. Some of this money will be used to kill a buffalo, buy some gold and have a big party.

It could be much more for a high class girl, though mostly then it becomes a case of showing face, and you will be marrying into wealth. An elderly foreign man is highly unlikely to even be considered by a young hi-so girl or her family anyway.

But really, why would you pay to marry a low class girl who will drain your finances (and most likely cause you endless grief)? There are millions of them.

You should try to make friends with some higher class Thai men. They know how the system works and can guide you. They will probably turn their nose at a village/ low-so girl no matter how young and beautiful she is, because she is, at heart, a dirty little monkey. They would prefer to keep such girls as a second wife or a "gig."

Unless you are reasonably age and class compatible, you are not going to get a girl worth keeping. Marrying a jungle girl is just foolish. If she's a jungle girl and she worked bars/ has children, you'd better tip her 1000 baht and get the hell away from her. You'd be better keeping a dog for company.

Frankly, if her mum is asking you for a five baht gold chain to get engaged, I would say she comes from a monkey family. Civilised people don't do that. Take a look at her village. Does it look like Planet of the apes? I bet it does. Get out of there.

Sent from my HTC One X+ using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

Harsh, but ultimately true. Don't play their bronze age games. Leave them to it.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

It's one of those things foreigners never get to understand... until one day...

It's really easy to look at it in the disgusted way, because back home, we don't do that. but that does not mean it's wrong. you just need to understand learn its motivations and why it is like that.

So you think selling your children is OK?

[transam]

It's one of those things foreigners never get to understand... until one day...

It's really easy to look at it in the disgusted way, because back home, we don't do that. but that does not mean it's wrong. you just need to understand learn its motivations and why it is like that.

So you think selling your children is OK?

Don't think it's selling kids, it's how to make some cash, here there are NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO handouts from government, different from where we come from eh.

[boonta19]

You should read Thailand Fever http://thailandfever.com/ it gives both parties much greater understanding of their different cultures (Thai and Western culture) is available in Thai / English and Thai / German and can read it together at the same time as the on page It Is In thai and the other page Is In English but it is the same available to both parties, actually quite smart read it a few years back when there also were many things I did not understand, among other things it about Sin sot http:/ / da.wikipedia.org / wiki / Sin_sot but you can also read more here.

[boonta19]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bride_price#Thailand

[AnotherOneAmerican]

You should read Thailand Fever http://thailandfever.com/ it gives both parties much greater understanding of their different cultures (Thai and Western culture) is available in Thai / English and Thai / German and can read it together at the same time as the on page It Is In thai and the other page Is In English but it is the same available to both parties, actually quite smart read it a few years back when there also were many things I did not understand, among other things it about Sin sot http:/ / da.wikipedia.org / wiki / Sin_sot but you can also read more here.

The only thing you need to understand is, they want your money, and will make up any silliness to try and get it.

Thai culture = greed and selfishness.

It is very easy to understand and permeates every level of society (from a Shinawatra to farmer).

Edited May 12, 2013 by AnotherOneAmerican

[AnotherOneAmerican]

The standard asking price for a village girl in Issan is 200000 baht. Some of this money will be used to kill a buffalo, buy some gold and have a big party.

The standard selling price is 20,000bht, you either mistyped or were misled.

[asiamaster]

If you pay now it will only be the beginning. The family will keep pushing for more. After you pay the engagment will more than likely evaporate. I am living now with my 3rd Thai lady. I set the rules from the very beginning (learned this at a cost) I give her a living allowance weekly and she sends money to the parents out of this monthly. She is a jewel. They are out there but hard to find.

I have been doing this from day one for over 20 years now. Over the years the total sum has become a far larger amount than 5 Baht of gold but it has been a very worthwhile investment and an arrangement which benefited all concerned.

[Xonax]

Giving gold to parents, in connection with an engagement, is not common, but heard of from time to time.

I would say, that if she´s a virgin (and only if she´s a virgin) and will offer her sexual services to you after the engagement, but before the marriage, it would be a proper gesture to buy the parents gold, as they will not be able to sell her virginity again then.

Edited May 12, 2013 by Xonax

[cobra1]

sorry nearly had heart attack from laughing coz she forgot the 2 new buffalo's

[sirchai]

She's a normal northern Thai girl from a midde-class Thai family.

Why would you like to buy a cow, if you only want some milk?-

[sirchai]

Giving gold to parents, in connection with an engagement, is not common, but heard of from time to time.

I would say, that if she´s a virgin (and only if she´s a virgin) and will offer her sexual services to you after the engagement, but before the marriage, it would be a proper gesture to buy the parents gold, as they will not be able to sell her virginity again then.

You don't know Thai medical surgery then. I'm just wondering how many foragers are planning to get engaged with the same virgin.....

[saroq]

Just asked my wife; she says she has heard of it but its not very common. She has heard of Thai/Thai doing it.

Personally, I would still try to resist it, or negotiate a much lower amount.

Just asked my wife as well. She said that it's not normal but maybe they are asking for a down payment. I'm not exactly sure how much 5 baht of gold is worth but I think it's around the $3,000 mark. If that's the case then it's sounds like they are effectively asking you for a deposit. This could be to see if you have the means necessary to pay in the future. BUT it's not normal and my wife wants to ask you how much do they expect you to pay for her? Better safe than sorry, find out that information first. Keep your wits about you.

[saroq]

The straight answer is ............no!

Probably you are reasonably new here. Ask yourself.......would you do this in your own country? I know some will say that "we're in Thailand", but when someone marries a Muslim they have to become Muslim, i believe that if a Thai wants a Farang then she becomes Farang ! My wife is actually from a "good" Thai family, they have never asked me for anything. If they want something off you now, they will want much more later. Tread carefully, don't believe things you are told, you will be drip-fed information like the proverbial mushroom. Here it is definitely on a "need to know" basis, and their concept is .....the Farang doesn't need to know! :They may well be up to their eyes in debt like many are. Be logical, think with your brain, not your dick. If any doubts, walk away! There's always another ten around the corner. It took me 4 1/2 years to find a real good lady, patience is indeed a virtue, and you get to keep your cash. Give in now and you'll be doing it forever. Be polite but be firm.You're the boss mate not them!

Ah and how much fun it is trying to find that nice girl in Thailand. Happily married but you can be happily single too.

[BB1955]

Anything is possible in Thailand . Gold for the wedding is normal but the bride is suposed to keep it . That I can say hardly ever happens and it did not in my case . Just my opinion you are tossing good money out the door three years is a long time and alot can happen . No doubt they will want gold for the wedding but asking for it now . I think your being tested and I would say no Im not comfortable with it ... If she takes off . One thing about Thailand woman are like trains you get off one and the next one rolls right up .. Dont be a sucker right off the bat . But if you do deside to follow suit before I gave anything I would want to know how much money and gold they expect the day of the wedding... Then ask yourself is it really worth it when you can hire a Ma Baan for 6000 baht a month hahahaha

[Frank James]

Damn, that was a hell of a movie. BUT NO SUBTITLES! I had my Thai wife watch it with me, and she filled me in on what the Thais were saying. I think it angered her, and made her uncomfortable. They should show that film on every plane coming into Thailand from the West.<br />We guys come here, and are in NO WAY PREPARED for what we find here. The appearance of love and affection (what some call the "GirlFriend Experience)is here, and the ladies are so friendly, and it matters not if we are old or ugly, and completely out of luck for finding "love" like this where we're from.<br />But Brothers, love be damned, the Thai Family is what matters, and you (we) will always be outside the inner circle. Unfortunately, most of the time, your ONLY job is...Bring the Baht. If you know that going in, great. But most of us learn it the way Edward did. Ed, I hope you're back on your feet again, you seem like a real good man.

[pookiki]

I have read all the posts from beginning to end and no one has touched on what Thai men and women usually do. Here's the lay of the land as I see it. Young Thai man and woman fall in love (or lust) usually in their late teens. If the Thai woman is not pregnant within a year - maybe they two will get married in a temple but the marriage is never legally formalized by registering it. After three to four years - and about six at the most - the Thai man will be planting his seeds elsewhere. The Thai woman will give the guy the boot and move back with her parents (if they are not already living with them). After that, the Thai woman will be on every internet dating website there is in Thailand looking for a gullible farang who will marry her - because that is the culture after all and ask for sin sot. And want you to take care of her children as well. I have had so many Thai women who are divorced or only had a live-in boyfriend in the past tell me how important marriage is in Thai culture. Finding a farang husband is like winning the lottery. And the problem is that most farangs have more money than sense! That's the culture in Thailand.

[khaowong1]

It's one of those things foreigners never get to understand... until one day...

It's really easy to look at it in the disgusted way, because back home, we don't do that. but that does not mean it's wrong. you just need to understand learn its motivations and why it is like that.

At first I was like &lt;deleted&gt;? I will never give money before marrying. after living for a while in very typical thai homes, I started to understand more... I've talked to very honest and good heart people, and they explained to me.

You giving money to her parents is way of providing trust and appreciation, not because they want to sell their daughter (but some do), but because you believe their parents are worth it.

Sometimes the money even comes back to you after a few years, they buy land or property for the couple. Once they have settled a trust.

Every marriage I have been witnessed in so many years living here it happens.

From 300,000 baht small poor families, up to 5 million baht for those quite rich people.

It's just the culture, if you are willing to marry a Thai woman, you have to understand and accept her country culture. The same goes for her when she moves to your country.

Edit:

I don't mean that there are no scams. It's true that because you are foreigner, they will expect a lot more money... But the same happens when a rich Thai guy marries a girl. One guy that I knew paid 4 million plus a lot of gold, just like that.

But you know what? They never accept your culture. I know Thai women here in the US who have lived here for 30+ years and still don't speak English, still don't mingle with anyone but Thai, still won't go to a restaurant that isn't Thai and bitch because there isn't any Thai tv. Very, very, very few Thai women will adjust. very few. It's not worth the hassle. Run Forrest Run.

[khaowong1]

I suggest using this as a test of whether she (and the family) are more interested in you or money. If they don't get the money but she holds on to you, then you can feel a bit more secure. Another couple things come to mind, after all my experiences with Thai girls for about 30 years (and two Thai wives) (and many girlfriends and Mia-noi's) and never made one cash/gold commitment, although been very generous over time. I can imagine a girl asking for this if she is: a bar-girl or a dating-site acquaintance, so where did you meet her? The second thing is that their friends (and family) will push them to try these tactics, just to see if it will work (it's money in the bank for them).

The real test is to see if she wants you as much as you love her.

A friend just forwarded me an email today that has a Youtube video of a very common thai-wife/foreign-husband typical situation. Please have a look at it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUIbwO05JAA&feature=youtu.be

Anybody will enjoy watching this, although it is long, but well worth the time.

I have read the many replies ahead of mine and I think there as many 'experienced' people contributing as well as a few very lucky guys that struck gold on their first search and have 'genuine' and dedicated mates.

MY BEST ADVISE: Watch the youtube video and you keep control of the 'drivers seat'. (and the purse-strings.

Best of luck, If you are new at this, you surely need it.............

Very good video.. should be the "Welcome to Thailand" movie on every plane arriving in Thailand. LOL

[vijer]

Maybe after you're married, certainly not for being engaged. If your GF decides you are not the man she wants to marry is her mum going to give you back the 5 baht of gold with interest?

My in-laws were shocked when I gave them a good sum of money a few months after the wedding and over 6 months they gave most of it back to us. The in-laws never asked for anything and they are not well off, not poor either, but not well off. Good people.

[ross163103]

Pay by the piece.....sooooooo much cheaper in the long run!

[MarkCyr]

Utter BS to give money to the mother for the engagement.

[Will2011]

No problem. Give her 5 baht for the gold she wanna buy!!!

[JimMagee]

NFW, if your girl is going along with this, get rid of her NOW. The family will do anything they can to get money from you, and if the girl is helping them, then you will have a life of taking care of her family, and she will pump you for money daily. Cheaper to have several paid girlfriends than one money grubbing Thai wife.

[rotary]

Take this as a warning sign and haul yourself out of town. If the family is giving cash calls now wait until you are married if it ever gets that far.

[kagan]

U shouldn't care what people here think. U wanna give the gold give it...u don't want to then don't. Simple.

[bander]

You did not mention how long time you know this girl and how good you know she and her parents.

Maybe she believe that you have a larger supply of income that she could ever dream of having,

why wouldn't she and her family be interested in testing how deep your pockets are?

After all, Thais have all heard the stories about the rich and stupid farang, so why not test the waters?

What do they have to lose?

If she still insisting on having the 5 bath gold for the engagement don't walk away, run away!

[bander]

U shouldn't care what people here think. U wanna give the gold give it...u don't want to then don't. Simple.

That's where you are wrong my friend, he should read carefully what people think and post, especially since I believe he is confused about this B 100.000.- + engagement "fee"...

[RigPig]

You should read Thailand Fever http://thailandfever.com/ it gives both parties much greater understanding of their different cultures (Thai and Western culture) is available in Thai / English and Thai / German and can read it together at the same time as the on page It Is In thai and the other page Is In English but it is the same available to both parties, actually quite smart read it a few years back when there also were many things I did not understand, among other things it about Sin sot http:/ / da.wikipedia.org / wiki / Sin_sot but you can also read more here.

Read it ears ago and although some truth in it after living here for 12 years found a lot of just perpetuates the myth they want you to believe IMHO.

I repeat, YOUR NOT THAI AND NEVER WILL BE!!

[bander]

Pay by the piece.....sooooooo much cheaper in the long run!

Agree with ross, you don't need to buy land, house, car, motorbike, buffalos and other stuff they like too mutt, too mutt ...