Gsxrnz Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 ^^ Great post ... ... and she is a strong believer in the som-num-na theory. Now this is a genuine question ... what is the 'som-num-na theory' ? I probably know it ... just don't know it by that name. . David, in the context she uses the phrase regarding her parents, the closest English equivalents are a combination of "it serves you right", and "what comes around goes around". The key thing being that she doesn't believe she owes blind allegiance to her parents simply because Thai culture dictates that she should. Mind you, I did give her a bit of re-education in this attitude. Another Thai phrase is Boon-Kuhn which essentially means repay your debts/obligations. She believes she's done her fair share for her parents and the debt of raising and caring for her as a child is well and truly paid. She now believes her parents owe her some Boon-Kuhn which they aren't repaying (in an attitude/emotional sense), so she just says som-num-na to them. Whenever her Mum calls her I hear the sum-num-na phrase a dozen times in 3 minutes and I have to leave the room laughing. Consequently her parents don't want to put up with the ear-bashing they know they're going to get from her so she's considered a very last resort for any assistance. She's a classic example of a bad Thai daughter with a very black heart as far as they're concerned. All good for me though!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JLCrab Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I have been married 17 years. In laws are honest, proud, and have integrity. I have never been asked for anything. I have offered and paid for three nieces to through university. My idea, not theirs. All three have great jobs now. ... and in some cases the In-Laws have the prescience not to ask in the first place as they've already sized up the prospects. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post martynsnowmans Posted October 14, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted October 14, 2013 mil dead before i met the tw , fil drunken bum sits smokes and drinks loa kow ( the thai whiskey ) all day with his only son he did have 2 sons but the other drank himself to death by age 32 , he was still alive when i moved here 7 years ago but as a cabbage . he died a year latter i did pay for the funaral and wake , just to keep the wife happy as she was upset " i sure dont know why " i was seeing tw for about 1.5 years before we married , but the fil kicked up such a fuss about isaan and sin sod i told the then gf that o.k he can have what he wanted he got 50k thai , ( then it was 71 baht to the pound ) but i told her he does,nt get 1 more penny from me after we marry . it worked out to be the best idea of my life i must have saved a fortune over the years as i,ve never given any extra . if he thought he was being clever and having 1 over on the farang he lost out big time there again he,s about 82 now and that cheap sh1t whiskey still cant kill him . 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benalibina Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 mil dead before i met the tw , fil drunken bum sits smokes and drinks loa kow ( the thai whiskey ) all day with his only son he did have 2 sons but the other drank himself to death by age 32 , he was still alive when i moved here 7 years ago but as a cabbage . he died a year latter i did pay for the funaral and wake , just to keep the wife happy as she was upset " i sure dont know why " i was seeing tw for about 1.5 years before we married , but the fil kicked up such a fuss about isaan and sin sod i told the then gf that o.k he can have what he wanted he got 50k thai , ( then it was 71 baht to the pound ) but i told her he does,nt get 1 more penny from me after we marry . it worked out to be the best idea of my life i must have saved a fortune over the years as i,ve never given any extra . if he thought he was being clever and having 1 over on the farang he lost out big time there again he,s about 82 now and that cheap sh1t whiskey still cant kill him . And you wait and wait and wait ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robblok Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Great replies above ... In-laws, some are good some are bad. The real question I feel should be about the missus. From what I have heard from others, I'm lucky in that my wife puts me and my son at the top of the priority tree. No matter how much the in-laws stamp and scream, that is the way it is................and should be.......... Interesting point you raise, and also a point of discussion in itself. I've had the (honest) conversation with my partner and we aren't married, not have kids yet and yes, I do rank below them, her parents. Thankfully, I'm on the next rung on that ladder, equal with one of her siblings and above the rest of the family. Things might change when get married and the kids are born ... who knows. I am surprised that there are not more horror stories as I understand some real bad <deleted> goes down. . Actually.. if married with kids and you don't rank nr 1 id worry. Now I can understand it but if that does not change. Of course if there is a conflict between you and the parents its not about who is ranked how but who is right. I have been in conflict over my ex wife with my parents and I would then look who was right but its a bad spot to be in. However if I were to notice that I rank lower as my wives parents I would be gone. With ranking lower I mean that its not about right and wrong but whatever they say is law. That is just my view once my word is valued less even if right im gone. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
transam Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Great replies above ... In-laws, some are good some are bad. The real question I feel should be about the missus. From what I have heard from others, I'm lucky in that my wife puts me and my son at the top of the priority tree. No matter how much the in-laws stamp and scream, that is the way it is................and should be.......... Interesting point you raise, and also a point of discussion in itself. I've had the (honest) conversation with my partner and we aren't married, not have kids yet and yes, I do rank below them, her parents. Thankfully, I'm on the next rung on that ladder, equal with one of her siblings and above the rest of the family. Things might change when get married and the kids are born ... who knows. I am surprised that there are not more horror stories as I understand some real bad <deleted> goes down. . Actually.. if married with kids and you don't rank nr 1 id worry. Now I can understand it but if that does not change. Of course if there is a conflict between you and the parents its not about who is ranked how but who is right. I have been in conflict over my ex wife with my parents and I would then look who was right but its a bad spot to be in. However if I were to notice that I rank lower as my wives parents I would be gone. With ranking lower I mean that its not about right and wrong but whatever they say is law. That is just my view once my word is valued less even if right im gone. But, you are not married and we know you have a rather strange (to me) relationship with your bird. I can tell all here that we (farang) are for sure well down the pecking order. Don't care how rich you are OR how much cash you/we/me have bunged to anyone, YOU/WE/ME are just a tool to improve stuff for others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert888d Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 They will just descend on you out of the blue and stay and stay and stay....watching cartoons on tv all day and probably end up ruining your mariage in the end. Thais put their FAMILY first, you will always be number 2 if you are lucky! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khunPer Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 If you can even see them, you are living way to close! A "safety" zone of 500-800 km's and you will manage just fine!! Tried it, It's not true. They not only come and visit, they move. In reply to the OP, David48, I believe there are many good “Outlaws”, who also will turn the firehose at you – and me. I have been very lucky with my GF's family, and even quite a part of it – aunt, cousins, relatives – ended up some 900 kilometer away from their villages, they have been nice company in the neighbourhood and not a burden at all; living by themselves and busy taking care of their work. Perhabs the farang-Thai family relationship becomes a bit different – or more “normal” – when you have a family together (child/children). Perhabs the farang is not any longer seen as “Mr. Rich” only, who may be expexted to support half of the village. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lensta Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Blood (Money in this case) sucking leeches comes to mind when thinking about my inlaws. They try to get every last baht from their 2 daughters, even knowing that the younger one has to support herself. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
recycler Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 My in-laws are OK, sisters too, the younger brother is nothing but trouble, but that seems to happen in more families... About expecting kids and marriage, you better get married before they are born, it makes things much easier with getting a foreign passport and parental rights. If you are not married at the time of birth you have only very limited rights as a father according to Thai law. By marriage I mean the legal version at the amphur or tessabaan office, not the ceremony at the parents home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DualSportBiker Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 No complaints here either. 14 years of marriage, but no kids. I've never been treated like an outsider. MIL was cool but passed away 10 years ago. FIL was dead for 6 years before I turned up... Five siblings have always treated me like one of the lads and the elder sister left CP to work with us at our start-up. Prior girlfriends of more salubrious backgrounds had parents who could suck blood from stones at 20 paces! Rather fortunate not to have pitched my lot with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metaben Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 I was quite anxious at the idea of meeting my GF's parents. I've been and met exGF's families before, and all good, but she is special and hopefully for the long run... hence my anticipation Well, They are a great bunch, can't really tell or want to know about the skeletons and such but overall couldn't have been more happily surprised. The clincher: the two young sons of her sister, perfectly raised, polite and that distinguishing spark of intelligence and malice in their eyes. Love them to bits. Makes me want to make more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MobileContent Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 My in-laws are great and they have never asked me for anything from the day I arrived. MIL is a great help to my wife for our 10 month old baby. FIL works and has every day money. My family is small and I only have a small bother in law thats nine years old and I support him in a Christian school. My granny in law is a great person and she often hugs me and tells me how much she loves me. Our house is off-limit to everyone except my MIL/FIL/BIL and grannies. I have a perfect wife and perfect in-laws. We are just a good team and everyone is still adjusting them-self after 3 years. My in-laws are below 50 years so it makes communications easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muhendis Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 I am enjoying a very happy existence with my wife on our farm. Her mother and father live within 100 Mtrs on their farm next door. We get along just fine. I am fully aware of my father in law's hopes and expectations for his retirement fund. He's a good bloke but inclined to be a touch rascally. That cuts no ice with me but we help each other with farming and he drinks my beer occasionally. I'm happy and so is my wife. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JLCrab Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Many on here of the retirement extension age have in-laws (official or otherwise) who are more of that same vintage than the Thai wife or GF. Many also comment that the in-laws never ask for or have been given much of anything financially and that such is even a virtue. One might have a concern down the road -- when the younger wife/gf is working or otherwise still distracted -- just who else will give-a sh_t about helping with the daily needs of the now elderly farang. Will those in-laws be so eager to help the guy who would have been in a position to help them out years back when they maybe got behind on their electric bill and were threatened with cut-off but they knew they dared not ask that same farang for whom such an expense would have been petty-cash? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robblok Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Many on here of the retirement extension age have in-laws (official or otherwise) who are more of that same vintage than the Thai wife or GF. Many also comment that the in-laws never ask for or have been given much of anything financially and that such is even a virtue. One might have a concern down the road -- when the younger wife/gf is working or otherwise still distracted -- just who else will give-a sh_t about helping with the daily needs of the now elderly farang. Will those in-laws be so eager to help the guy who would have been in a position to help them out years back when they maybe got behind on their electric bill and were threatened with cut-off but they knew they dared not ask that same farang for whom such an expense would have been petty-cash? That is one way of justifying paying them of I guess. Depends on the situation of course, I will help when there is genuine need not as an ATM so they can get into trouble and I bail them out. Once you set that precedent your screwed. But helping out when they really need it is of course an other matter all together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benalibina Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Many on here of the retirement extension age have in-laws (official or otherwise) who are more of that same vintage than the Thai wife or GF. Many also comment that the in-laws never ask for or have been given much of anything financially and that such is even a virtue. One might have a concern down the road -- when the younger wife/gf is working or otherwise still distracted -- just who else will give-a sh_t about helping with the daily needs of the now elderly farang. Will those in-laws be so eager to help the guy who would have been in a position to help them out years back when they maybe got behind on their electric bill and were threatened with cut-off but they knew they dared not ask that same farang for whom such an expense would have been petty-cash? What comes around goes around, you say !?!? There is need for money because of a problem. If 1 wants f.i. a nice mobile, there is no need. If 1 needs to pay a hospital bill, there is a need. Shades of grey !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robblok Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Many on here of the retirement extension age have in-laws (official or otherwise) who are more of that same vintage than the Thai wife or GF. Many also comment that the in-laws never ask for or have been given much of anything financially and that such is even a virtue. One might have a concern down the road -- when the younger wife/gf is working or otherwise still distracted -- just who else will give-a sh_t about helping with the daily needs of the now elderly farang. Will those in-laws be so eager to help the guy who would have been in a position to help them out years back when they maybe got behind on their electric bill and were threatened with cut-off but they knew they dared not ask that same farang for whom such an expense would have been petty-cash? What comes around goes around, you say !?!? There is need for money because of a problem. If 1 wants f.i. a nice mobile, there is no need. If 1 needs to pay a hospital bill, there is a need. Shades of grey !! Correct and if you give too easy then they won't solve their own problems they will come running to you always as your the new safety net and so they can get into trouble knowing they get bailed out. Shades of grey.. real need no other options.. or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benalibina Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Many on here of the retirement extension age have in-laws (official or otherwise) who are more of that same vintage than the Thai wife or GF. Many also comment that the in-laws never ask for or have been given much of anything financially and that such is even a virtue. One might have a concern down the road -- when the younger wife/gf is working or otherwise still distracted -- just who else will give-a sh_t about helping with the daily needs of the now elderly farang. Will those in-laws be so eager to help the guy who would have been in a position to help them out years back when they maybe got behind on their electric bill and were threatened with cut-off but they knew they dared not ask that same farang for whom such an expense would have been petty-cash? What comes around goes around, you say !?!? There is need for money because of a problem. If 1 wants f.i. a nice mobile, there is no need. If 1 needs to pay a hospital bill, there is a need. Shades of grey !! Correct and if you give too easy then they won't solve their own problems they will come running to you always as your the new safety net and so they can get into trouble knowing they get bailed out. Shades of grey.. real need no other options.. or not. Having kids makes 1 more vonourable. That money destined for them will be spent otherwise. Unfortunately my own experience. Pecking order !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JLCrab Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) Someone in the USA in their mid 50's can pay $2000 per year for long-term care insurance which might keep you in an assisted living facility down the road ... so one can weigh the alternatives here in Thailand for someone or group of persons that might be willing to help you out on a daily basis because you've been willing to come through for them on the RARE occasion when needed. Edited October 14, 2013 by JLCrab Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie61 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 no Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lowbo Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 ...Nope! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CraigSchuler Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 When looking for a new cow.....Always check the udder. When looking for a new wife.....Always check the mother! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muhendis Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 How well you are integrated into the community determines how much help you may expect when you need it. If the villagers like you then they will help you within their means. It is up to the individual to become part of the community or not. The farang has for many years been recognised as a multi millionaire when compared with the locals in their villages. When the farang comes and builds a house in the village he must do so with the expectation that he will be revered, not as a person but for his relative wealth. It is important to understand that the villagers will only love and respect you, as a person, if you make the effort to join in with them and become an active member of their community. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nongsung Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 They live across the road... They are respectfull, nice and hard working people. They had to understand that I need my privacy from time to time but it never was a real problem. Wife cooks for me and eats with her parents, it' a bit give and take. I do not support them but around Christmas I usually have nice gift for them (money). That goes straight to the bank. If they spend some it's always spend wisely. We can't communicate; my Thai is as bad as their English, we communicate often with the help of either my wife or our adopted daughter. Life ain't easy in the sticks but not bad either! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nongsangcity Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 give them nothing as you will never get anything from them........if you need a small job doing around your house or land they will wont paying, you will get nothing for free....funny about 6 years ago the wife said we should help them build a new bedroom for the in laws....so I thought ok what the hell...paid for the materials etc came to about 250 pounds.......got the materials delivered......went around about 6 weeks later, thinking the new bedroom would be finished.....all the materials were still in the same place as 6 weeks earlier, I said how come they haven't built the new bedroom........the wife said we have got to pay them 200 bht a day to build it.........guess what.......the materials are still there......they want 200 bht a day to build their new bedroom..well for me the materials will still be there in another 6 years.....very selfish and ungreatful ..................I don't wish them any harm.....but I wouldn't turn the hosepipe on............. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nongsung Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 give them nothing as you will never get anything from them........if you need a small job doing around your house or land they will wont paying, you will get nothing for free....funny about 6 years ago the wife said we should help them build a new bedroom for the in laws....so I thought ok what the hell...paid for the materials etc came to about 250 pounds.......got the materials delivered......went around about 6 weeks later, thinking the new bedroom would be finished.....all the materials were still in the same place as 6 weeks earlier, I said how come they haven't built the new bedroom........the wife said we have got to pay them 200 bht a day to build it.........guess what.......the materials are still there......they want 200 bht a day to build their new bedroom..well for me the materials will still be there in another 6 years.....very selfish and ungreatful ..................I don't wish them any harm.....but I wouldn't turn the hosepipe on............. Well, FIL keeps our grass tidy, comes over when I (again) fail to understand why the water pump isn't working and brought me to the hospital when I was feeling unwell (wife was not home). No, I can't fault them other than that they are Thai :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alwyn Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 My wife's mum and brothers are scum. Her son is great and I've had no qualms about putting him through school. He's in the Navy officers colloge or whatever they call it and i pay half his salary on the quiet as the navy stops half of his 3000 a month on laundry and compulsory "saving plan"! The rest of her family.... scum and i'm not going any further with that particular can of worms but suffice to say, even the missus feels the same and for a Thai, that is quite amazing!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benalibina Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 No expectations lead to no disappointments. Expectations lead to disappointments. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MILT Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 You will know the general family morals when knowing the parents. I wouldn't listen to much to the various comments about what scumbags the Gf/wife family can be. Most farangs I know that hate the Thai family are bitter ass-wipes themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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