Should you accept her Children as part of the package?

[BookMan]

This is the scenario of a friend:

He has met a Thai woman. She has two children, ages 6 and 9, from a previous relationship with a Thai man. There is a 5 year age difference between him and her. He is 40.

The woman and himself have fallen in ‘Love’ and decided to be together. When they first met online he didn’t know she had children but she did tell him after 3 months of talking together. Now they have met in person once (for 2 weeks) and a total relationship time of 6 months. He has not met her children. The kids stayed with the father’s grandmother when she visited.

She has a hairdressing business in the suburbs of Bangkok and her ex husband, Father of the children, is a policeman in the tourist area of lower Sukhumvit. The ex currently contributes almost nothing financially.

She has said her children come as part of the package and it is a take it or leave it scenario basically. She expects him to take them on as his own including financial responsibilities.

He doesn't want to look after the children financially but is willing to pay rent/food/electricity/water etc for all 4 of them. He has told her he doesn't want to responsible for their future expenses and that they have a Father, with a job, who can do that. However, he still wants to be with her.

My advice to him was to stick to his guns otherwise resentment might build up. I can see where she is coming from though.

Surely her and the children are two distinct relationships to be viewed differently?

I’d be interested in what other people think about it.

MODS: I have started this in General, not Family, as I’d like a wide variety of responses, not just family skewed ones.

Cheers BM

[jpinx]

She didn't mention the kids for 3 months -- guilty

He didn't ask about kids for 3 months -- stupid

maybe they deserve each other, but I'd watch out for the policeman !!!!!

[Totster]

Surely her and the children are two distinct relationships to be viewed differently?

Are you serious???

When you start a relationship with a partner that has children, they are most definitely part of the 'package'.. and in Thailand this includes a certain amount of financial support.

Granted, the fact that children are involved should be disclosed at the start of the relationship.

totster

[jpinx]

QUOTE __

When you start a relationship with a partner that has children, they are most definitely part of the 'package'.. and in Thailand this includes a certain amount of financial support.

__ENDQUOTE

the package will also include the mother, sick father, 2sisters and kids, collapsing rice farmers house needing rebuilt, payments on brothers pickup, buffalo vets fees, etc

but never mind,

Love is blind,

Edited March 16, 2014 by jpinx

[AhFarangJa]

If he really loves the lady then would it not be normal to make sure she is happy, and that would mean accepting her children too. Granted, honesty at the beginning might have been useful unless she was simply trying to "trap" someone to secure a future. Also how amicable was the break up from her husband, as jpinx pointed out you definitely do not want a policeman with a grudge on your case

[Totster]

QUOTE __

When you start a relationship with a partner that has children, they are most definitely part of the 'package'.. and in Thailand this includes a certain amount of financial support.

__ENDQUOTE

the package will also include the mother, sick father, 2sisters and kids, collapsing rice farmers house needing rebuilt, payments on brothers pickup, buffalo vets fees, etc

but never mind,

Love is blind,

ha, good point.

But let's be reasonable, even outside of Thailand the children are an assumed responsibility

totster

[BookMan]

Surely her and the children are two distinct relationships to be viewed differently?

Are you serious???

When you start a relationship with a partner that has children, they are most definitely part of the 'package'.. and in Thailand this includes a certain amount of financial support.

Granted, the fact that children are involved should be disclosed at the start of the relationship.

totster

For myself? Yes I am serious.

Choosing to be with someone doesn't have to imply you accept that person’s full extended life as part of the package nor does it have to imply that you are responsible for your partner’s former children of their family. You can choose this of course and that is okay.

Some women say ‘My kids will always come first’. While great for the kids that is not healthy for a relationship between adults. Putting either kids/man first implies a permanent imbalance in the relationship. Things can be so there is a balance and each relationship of Kids and adults is treated differently, because they are different relationships.

In the case I mention, I fully agree with my friend in paying for the rent/food/utilities and I feel that is a good and fair contribution.

His GFs ex husband has a paying job and she has a relationship with her ex and her kids have a relationship with her ex. My friend then has different relationship with his GF and his GF’s kids.

Why should he be financially responsible for all the kids needs?

And I do agree she should have told him about the kids earlier but that is what it is.

[beachproperty]

When I met my wife 10 years ago, her 3 kids were 9, 13 and 18 . Can't really advise others how to feel but for me I didn't think otherwise than to take on the responsibility. Having done so I can without regret say that it has been exceptionally rewarding. They call me "Papa" , treat me like I am the king of the castle and have not been a problem. Only difference is the father has NEVER been around! That could be a potential problem for your friend as the children might resent him as trying to take their fathers place. Can't really say...but its something to think about.

Anyway wish him luck ....as said before I believe they are part of the package and if he wants to be with their mother ....either accept it or move on..

Good luck either way

Edited March 16, 2014 by beachproperty

[JUDAS]

Strangely enough a mother and her children are the same package just as my kids are a part of me. Too often on TV Thai women are belittled ( not referring to the OP ) for shipping the kids off to the grandparents to be raised, well, this lady is fulfilling her parental duties.

If I was a single father and a gf expressed the same issues regarding my kids she wouldn't have time for her next breath before she was out the door.

Is it normal for western males to make similar comments with regards to a western woman's children....

[krisb]

Shame on a Cop not taking responsibility for his kids. Pathetic.

Yep especially if marriage comes along, her kids are part of the deal. Hopefully they are little angels.

[Totster]

Surely her and the children are two distinct relationships to be viewed differently?

Are you serious???

When you start a relationship with a partner that has children, they are most definitely part of the 'package'.. and in Thailand this includes a certain amount of financial support.

Granted, the fact that children are involved should be disclosed at the start of the relationship.

totster

For myself? Yes I am serious.

Choosing to be with someone doesn't have to imply you accept that person’s full extended life as part of the package nor does it have to imply that you are responsible for your partner’s former children of their family. You can choose this of course and that is okay.

Some women say ‘My kids will always come first’. While great for the kids that is not healthy for a relationship between adults. Putting either kids/man first implies a permanent imbalance in the relationship. Things can be so there is a balance and each relationship of Kids and adults is treated differently, because they are different relationships.

In the case I mention, I fully agree with my friend in paying for the rent/food/utilities and I feel that is a good and fair contribution.

His GFs ex husband has a paying job and she has a relationship with her ex and her kids have a relationship with her ex. My friend then has different relationship with his GF and his GF’s kids.

Why should he be financially responsible for all the kids needs?

And I do agree she should have told him about the kids earlier but that is what it is.

I find this attitude quite disturbing. What mother wouldn't put their kids first ?? As a stepfather I would even put the kids needs first.

I'm not saying that you must be financially responsible, but there is a certain amount of financial burden in this situation. In Thailand at least, absent fathers are very lax at providing financial support. In this case, what would you do, let them go without food and new clothes ? No ice cream on the days out to the seaside that you would not pay for ???

totster

[pigeonjake]

when i met my wife i had 2 children,

she excepted them, she loves talking to my children asking them about when they were young,

now we have our own together too

i personaly cant see there is a problem, of course they come together,

jake

[Ulysses G.]

Call me an old softy, but I don't think that I would want a serious relationship with a woman who would abandon her kids for some guy. If it was a short-time relationship, that would be a whole different story.

[DP25]

If he doesn't want to take on the kids, he should end it with her now, and find a woman WITHOUT KIDS.

[sam sen]

when i met my wife i had 2 children,

she excepted them, she loves talking to my children asking them about when they were young,

now we have our own together too

i personaly cant see there is a problem, of course they come together,

jake

is your wife expected to be financially responsible for you and you children? thought not.

[BookMan]

I find this attitude quite disturbing. What mother wouldn't put their kids first ?? As a stepfather I would even put the kids needs first.

I'm not saying that you must be financially responsible, but there is a certain amount of financial burden in this situation. In Thailand at least, absent fathers are very lax at providing financial support. In this case, what would you do, let them go without food and new clothes ? No ice cream on the days out to the seaside that you would not pay for ???

totster

I hear what you are saying Totser but I don’t know why it is disturbing. Here are some common example of Mothers (and fathers) not putting their kids first.

Examples of mothers who don’t put children first (substitute father here for anything):

· Drug addicts (substance comes first)

· Alcoholics (substance comes first)

· Gamblers (money goes to gambling first)

· Many example of children being sold for slavery to work in factories.

· Kids Forced to prostitution

· Taken from school to provide money for the family by working therefore the child does not get an education that could further them.

· Basic narcissism where the mother puts herself first. Becoming more common.

· Mothers who value a balanced life with their spouse and children

· Mothers who decide career comes before children (nothing wrong with that)

· ecetera

Personally I wouldn’t want to be second in a relationship all the time.

By saying you put the kids first all the time it implies you will always be second class in the relationship. Surely that also sends the wrong message to the children?

There are plenty of mothers who give their partners and children fair balance in their life.

Edited March 16, 2014 by BookMan

[BookMan]

Call me an old softy, but I don't think that I would want a serious relationship with a woman who would abandon her kids for some guy. If it was a short-time relationship, that would be a whole different story.

I agree. I wouldn't feel good about being with someone who abandoned their children to have a relationship.

[JUDAS]

Call me an old softy, but I don't think that I would want a serious relationship with a woman who would abandon her kids for some guy. If it was a short-time relationship, that would be a whole different story.

I'm with UG on this, at least his first sentence If a mother was prepared to abandon her children to satisfy her new love then she's most definitely not the woman with the right morals for me.

[jpinx]

I can't believe that this thread is being taken seriously. Any guy tackling a Thai lovely needs to assume that she has considerable baggage, just by nature of the way life is here, but that is no reason to not take on the responsibilities -- if you can make sure you know what they all are before getting in too deep. That can be quite a trick if you don't have the language

The same rules apply to romances in any country -- but you need to have the rules tattooed on the insides of your eyelids here -- Thai beauties can blind you with their charms.

Edited March 16, 2014 by jpinx

[BookMan]

If he doesn't want to take on the kids, he should end it with her now, and find a woman WITHOUT KIDS.

But why does he have to take on the kids?

When they first started talking he didn't know she had kids. I agree with some other posters that this info should not have been withheld, but that aside, he is willing to pay for rent/food/utilities, and I'd expect other day to day stuff.

[jpinx]

Call me an old softy, but I don't think that I would want a serious relationship with a woman who would abandon her kids for some guy. If it was a short-time relationship, that would be a whole different story.

I agree. I wouldn't feel good about being with someone who abandoned their children to have a relationship.

---end-quote

They don't necessarily abandon them, it's just that the normal procedure here is for a girl whose kids' father rides off into the sunset will ask her mum to look after the kids while she goes to work in BKK or similar to make lots of money to send home. I know many girls in this situation and they can send far more home from Bkk than they could earn in their own city. Many will feel bereft and take trips home to see the kids as often as money allows. They're not bad mothers, they're doing the best they can..... but they should be very up front and honest with any guy they fancy trying to have a long-term relationship with.

Edited March 16, 2014 by jpinx

[robblok]

I am divided on this one.. perviously i had a girl with a package and i took care of her kids it seemed natural. Now I am not so sure anymore as in this case the father is not paying a dime and the mother is telling the guy he is responsible for the kids. Does not feel rightt to me.

If the mom works and pays her own way and most things for the kids.. ok him paying a bit too.. no problem.. if now he has to pay everything while she keeps the money.. then no way.

So it kinda is in the details, if this means she wont pay a thing for the kids anymore and he will have too.. then i would not agree.

Besides cant be much as she can now pay for it with him being there the rent bills and such would be lower ect ect.

[robblok]

If he doesn't want to take on the kids, he should end it with her now, and find a woman WITHOUT KIDS.

But why does he have to take on the kids?

When they first started talking he didn't know she had kids. I agree with some other posters that this info should not have been withheld, but that aside, he is willing to pay for rent/food/utilities, and I'd expect other day to day stuff.

Sounds fair to me.. she has a job paid for the kids before why now all of a sudden does he have to pay it all. She is already winning by him paying part of the utilities and such.

[transam]

Many Internet ladies with baggage are there for financial reasons only. Thai fathers don't want to know and am sure Thai blokes don't want to know about baggage. So the farang route is the only option for bringing up their kids. Most farangs I know have baggage, including me. In my case the baggage are now 18 and 25 and are a complete pain in the ass.

PS. The baggage will always come before you, beware.

Edited March 16, 2014 by transam

[CharlieH]

They come as a package deal, she should have disclosed sooner but now he knows either accept them or walk away.

If he wants her, to share her life, he shares everything that goes with it, you cannot be selective in love and responsibility within a relationship.

If he's not ready for that, then he should get out now.

Edited March 16, 2014 by CharlieH

[larsjohnsson]

If he like to have s serious relationship with the women, he have to accept her childten also. Like you would have to do in any other country.

I'm not so sure that I would like to have a relationship with a woman that have two kids with a policenan working in the lower tourist areas of Sukhomwith

Sent from my GT-I9152 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[larsjohnsson]

If he doesn't want to take on the kids, he should end it with her now, and find a woman WITHOUT KIDS.

But why does he have to take on the kids?

When they first started talking he didn't know she had kids. I agree with some other posters that this info should not have been withheld, but that aside, he is willing to pay for rent/food/utilities, and I'd expect other day to day stuff.

How can you live in a serious relationship with a woman and two kids, and not support the kids? And never give them anything except food? Are you serious?

Sent from my GT-I9152 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[transam]

If he doesn't want to take on the kids, he should end it with her now, and find a woman WITHOUT KIDS.

But why does he have to take on the kids?

When they first started talking he didn't know she had kids. I agree with some other posters that this info should not have been withheld, but that aside, he is willing to pay for rent/food/utilities, and I'd expect other day to day stuff.

How can you live in a serious relationship with a woman and two kids, and not support the kids? And never give them anything except food? Are you serious?

Sent from my GT-I9152 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

The biological father should pay for HIS kids upkeep, but they don't, hence the farang thing.

[CharlieH]

If he thinks in the fullness of time he can seperate them, he is deluding himself.

She as there mother will look to him as her partner for support emotionally and financially.

Is he gonna turn his back if they get hurt ?

Is he going to ignore them ?

Is he going to turn his back on her parents as they get older , they are not his either !

He can try to segregate it but i guarantee it wont work, either they are a family or not.

My opinion, if you are not prepared to take them as a package, LEAVE !

[Thai at Heart]

Well. Naive to a T. Hes 40.

My wife has 20 single friends of decent reputation that would be more than happy to meet him.

If u aren't happy at the beginning. What hope? Find another