Living With The Family--HELP!--Get Me OUT OF HERE!

[Loles]

Man, this story is "amazing". I feel with you and appreciate my local life.

[onni4me]

I think OP is very passive aggressive towards his adopted Thai family. They can of course sense it and act accordingly thinking what's wrong with him. It has never occurred to him that he might actually talk to them through his wife and ask whether they should move out so everyone could be more happy? Or just him? If the talk goes nowhere it is a sure sign that it's time to move out.

He hates, they hate. What more there is to this then waiting for the explosion? The story about the dog sounds like a troll or you are really living a larger than life madhouse show...

According to Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man, a self-help book, a passive man does little to get what he wants as it is too much effort to do so, and ranges from the inept "loser" type to the conformist who does anything to be liked, avoids making waves and rarely says what he feels.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior

[benalibina]

_{First rule of thumb I cleared up with my wife before we got married . We will not live with your family , they will not live with us . Visits will be the five day rule ... Five days and your outta here . Fortunatley we are 500k from her family so the visits are not very often . As far as going to visit them wife goes about every four months for 4 or 5 days . I haven't been in almost 4 years ......... The op has a major problem I believe I would be looking for greener pastures .....}

As good as i understand where u are coming from.....beware in case of problems......no help from them.....unless, a big if though, u support them financially, direct or in directly.

[onni4me]

One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

I think pretty much describes what's going on in OP's life...

[Donnie Brasco]

Does TV pay these guys ??

"Sometimes, 'fuggedabowdit' just means fuggedabowdit. . . . "

[Ulic]

You know what to do , best of luck.(Exceptionally well written.)

[wellred]

This should be made into a Thai soap. I would watch it and I don't even understand Thai.

[Razer64]

I think OP is very passive aggressive towards his adopted Thai family. They can of course sense it and act accordingly thinking what's wrong with him. It has never occurred to him that he might actually talk to them through his wife and ask whether they should move out so everyone could be more happy? Or just him? If the talk goes nowhere it is a sure sign that it's time to move out.

He hates, they hate. What more there is to this then waiting for the explosion? The story about the dog sounds like a troll or you are really living a larger than life madhouse show...

According to Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man, a self-help book, a passive man does little to get what he wants as it is too much effort to do so, and ranges from the inept "loser" type to the conformist who does anything to be liked, avoids making waves and rarely says what he feels.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior

The talks go nowhere. I have made that quite clear already.

The story about the dog, and other even crazier stories, are all true. Some names and other little things have been changed to protect the innocent. But that's about it. All true.

Yes, this is a larger than life freaking mad-house, which is also rife with that phony Thai politesse. That's what really drives me insane. I like to move and yell out loud. I'm a rock and roller, not an senator. I'm a cobra hunter, a predator, a money-grubbing business man, not a politician. Sister doesn't like that. I earn my money and I pay my way. She likes her men clean-cut and kissing her butt and strutting around with other men, all pretending to be somebody and looking for more handouts. I'm Thor, the God of Thunder, with my hammer, my dirty clothes, and my big fish hook. And I just don't care. That drives Sister insane.

I don't belong here. This is not my place. I don't own it. I have no right, nor any place, to be asking for things or expressing my own interests. I am a guest here. I act like one. I don't care how they live around here. My only concern right now is getting out of here. My wife keeps pulling me back. I let her. I know, that's my fault. But eventually the hammer will fall. I will have my mind all made up and that will be that. Meantime, no one, particularly me, will not be able to say I didn't try.

The only people who know anything about being passive-aggressive are people who read self-help books. "Passive-aggressive", near as I can tell, is simply another one of those catch-all phrases. There isn't anyone alive on this earth who isn't "passive-aggressive" to some extent, in some area of their life. I'm as assertive as the next successful person.

I don't do anything to be liked. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Therefore, I harbor no good intentions. I always get what I want. No matter what it takes. No matter how long it takes. No matter what I have to do. I don't care about saving the whales or the trees.

You're right however. I don't want to make any waves or talk about my "feelings" with her family, or even talk to them through my wife. I don't belong here. I don't want to be here. Had I known it was going to be this way when I walked in here a couple of months ago, I would never have come. I am now frustrated and it's all coming to a head these past few days. I thought the forum would be a good place to pick brains with people who have had similar situations. In other words, is it just me, or are these Thai really this nuts?! They are.

My family is spread out all over the US. We never see each other. We all grew up and became adults and got on with our lives, like big people are supposed to. We don't cling to one another like my "adopted Thai family" does. I find this behavior absurd. I find it absurd that children here live with their parents well past their thirties, and in a lot of cases, live with their parents their entire lives. I find it absurd that my step-son is almost twenty years old and has never even gotten behind the wheel of an automobile. I, or someone else, has to drive him everywhere he goes. I don't get it.

The only thing to do is get out of here. That much I do know. What I don't know is if my wife will come with me or not. That's the clincher here. That's what makes this whole thing so bloody difficult. I want to make it work with her. It does not look like that will happen, but I want to try before I walk away.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[DLP]

What ever happens dont jump off the balcony

[Thai at Heart]

Mum in laws and sisters cause more angst than any other. Get involved at your peril.

[mercman24]

Hold on guys, we are all quick to judge (yes me included) just reflect back on your past life, who has not been" worked over" by a female, in my case the u.k (or any other country) ME. good job also running a company, meet lady married ten years, she do fck all in those years, she gets the house i paid for and i live in a 1 bed flat, its a funny old world, hey but i'm happy., and i bet there are other posters on here who have tales to tell , to sum up it is females in general, sh*t stick with the bargirls at least you know what you are in for ha ha

[ChoakMyDee]

Does no one understand the major differences between collectivist and individualist societies? A little research would answer a lot of questions.

Yes. Some do.

Particularly if one understands the language and culture where one lives. One can figure it out. and TV would be a boring list of places to buy a shirt.

Even if they don't... they need to grasp what a local American said to me 20 years ago... at some point you are going to reach a stage where everything they (she, he, etc.) do and say is going to make you mad and crazy with anger......... or it will become part of the charm.

I remember that. And make the choice often.

It doesnt mean I dont get upset or feel a certain way... I do! But I know how to dial it back and ultimately operate and express myself in a way that "works" and gets me the understanding I am communicating with respect. I am grateful for that comment when I was having a "<deleted>! Why do they do it this way?" moment. It was a brilliant insight.

Absolutely brilliant. Thanks.

[bbbbooboo]

This is a troll.

[wayne hoskins]

Mate,just leave sounds like a living hell,great story I'm sad to say,believe me starting again will be a lot better,you sound a nice fellow,I'm sure there is a lovely thai lady,just waiting for you,hope all is we'll with you.

[Phoenix1312]

Yes I think divorce would be the way to go. She seems to be pulled between her family and you. Sad situation but I believe you are in a hopeless situation. Unless you want to start giving them money again it won't get any better. Run.

[marquis22]

Go back to USA for a year.

If you divorce you will be away from her a lot longer ....

"But that means I’ll be gone for a whole year. What’s the point of being married to this woman and living apart "

[jacko45k]

Get out of there.

For your own sake.

Take your wife with you, she sounds OK, and may be better away from this sister.

For the sake of your marriage.

You are last in line but need not be told that,. if my wife uttered such I would not have a wife.

Living in a cabin at the bottom of the garden like a disturbed offspring being lorded over by a sister.

You should never have moved in.

[StaffsShot]

Jeez, you've found yourself in a hell of a predicament. A lot of posters believe you should leave her, but I'm thinking you love her and after 13 years of marriage, understandably you're reluctant to walk away. You're a fighter and refuse to let your wife's family get one over you.

But, imagine the situation further down the line, 12 months or 3 years, you've gotten older and not enjoying your hard and well earned retirement. Because of your in laws. It doesn't sound like sis and bro etc are going to be hugging you anytime soon.

I believe you shouldn't proceed with this house build, the family are having too much influence over your wife.

On that basis for your own sanity, you have to cut her loose. You must know of course, that it's highly unlikely she'll turn her back on her family. She can't.

I've only been married 10 months but see clearly the family bonds Thais have.

Good luck

[risky11]

The best thing to do - take you missus and return the states if you can !

Uh, NO - don't do that. In the USA, the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) guarantees your wife instant green card, free legal assistance, free education, free housing and free money - YOURS! Because to sponsor her, you must sign a Financial Affidavit (with 2 years of tax returns) stating that YOU will support her NO MATTER WHAT. Forever. Furthermore, she is under no obligation whatsoever to remain with you. She can leave at any time, divorce you - IF she decides not to falsely accuse you of violence or rape - and get child support and alimoney payments. The government will not help YOU at all. They will help only HER. Do not ever sponsor someone to the USA or any Westerm country.

Edited April 1, 2014 by risky11

[eezergood]

OP is conspicuous in his abscence here..........

[Razer64]

Yes I think divorce would be the way to go. She seems to be pulled between her family and you. Sad situation but I believe you are in a hopeless situation. Unless you want to start giving them money again it won't get any better. Run.

Right. Woke up this morning with all this stuff on my mind again. It occurs to me this is the way to go. Wife is married to her family, not I.

Giving them money again, for any reason, even if the business went south and they were all living in a bamboo hut on the side of the road... No. They get nothing more.

A lot of posters here seem to have the impression that I am like any other westerner, who came here to the Magic Kingdom looking for a sweetheart. Not even close.

I met my wife in the US. We lived there for many years, with she going back and forth for visits and building the family business. I visited a few times throughout the years, and everyone was cordial and friendly every time, very loving and welcoming. I mean, they didn't kiss my butt or anything like that, but they were always nice folks.

Once the family business took off and was successful, I stopped all the money. That made everyone angry. They simply could not understand why I would do such a thing. And I simply did not understand why they were upset and didn't understand. I mean, the business is a success! You're making good money and the place thrives on its own. What do you need more money for?

I got on an airplane with Wife in 2011 to come here and get an answer to that very question.

When I got here, Sister's husband was drunk every night, whacking golf balls every day, and sleeping past noon. Wife's son was sitting at his $1,000.00 computer all day long, playing video games. Hired hands were doing all the work, and getting paid more than any other hired hands in the village.

No. You don't need any more of my money. You need to keep your eye on the ball and keep your business growing. I've helped you and asked for nothing in return, but to leave Wife and I alone to get on with our lives. Then I went home, thinking that is what they would do.

Fast-forward to today. I came here a couple of months ago, fixing to live here with Wife. When I arrived, I had to wonder, where are all the nice people I once knew?

But cave in and give them what they want I will not. I don't care how much they hate me. Screw 'em. I laugh my head off at them every time I sit in the cafe and order another meal they have to pay for, figuring just how I am going to make my exit.

I think it's safe to say, I am going to have to say goodbye to my wife. Crap. I don't want that. But what can I do? Everyone leaves me no choice.

[yankee99]

I didn't read all 5 pages so maybe this was covered.

"My wife tells me that her primary concerns in life are as follows, in this particular order: her son first, her family second, our business third, and I am last in line. And thats that. Its not negotiable."

I hear this all the time and maybe I am disconnected but seems this doesn't apply to Thai with Thai at least not in the circles I am in.

My wife use to help her family when she was single but since we were married it is a rare occasion that she sends any money. In our relationship it Me our daughters, mom,dad,niece and siblings in that order and its nonnegotiable.

[MobileContent]

Sad story really.

I wonder how much you have paid so far for the house or have given the family over the 13 years. It would also interest me in which province you live now.

Good luck

[joshstiles]

blah blah blah blah.....why are you a write for soap operas in thailand.....or better yet....why not just take your own life and put a stop to the money train.

The family loves you as much as any walking wallet.....hope you figured it out by now....your wife included.

I am always completely stupefied by foreigners who think they can find money by throwing around money....

[Tchooptip]

I need to find a different place to live while our house is being built

Sorry to sound crass but I fail to see what is stopping you? I'm afraid I couldn't read through all that. Far too early, and I've not had my tea yet.

I think you need to "man up" and get tough with your wife, be Tarzan, pick her up, tuck her under your arm, carry her out of the house, bung her in a cab to the nearest train/bus station and get out of there....You can rent a pleasant place for 20K THB almost anywhere.

When her sister visits you at your new home, be sure to treat her as she did you.

20K THB!!!??? Whatthefudge. Why do i see these insane rents all the time on here - sub-10K is more than enough out in real Thailand. I pay 6,000 for a modern duplex 2-bed house with an air-con and gardens etc - come to economical Isaan ! :-)

I pay 11,000 for a 2 bed house 2 air-con, terrace and garden where I grow vegetables...in Samui, so!

[bushwacker]

"My wife ran around looking for me. She found me. It took her two days to talk me into coming back here."

Sounds to me that you need to work on your hiding skills.

Maybe even your negotiating skills.

Hell, you need to repeat your introductory course on "Being a Man 101".

Seriously Dude, at present you are not in a marriage. If things are this way now, what do you think your life is worth once the house is completed?

In my household, I am the Man, opinions are welcome. Nagging, ultimatums, vetoes, disrespect of any kind by anybody to my person or position is totally not tolerated. The bite is just as bad as the bark here!

Reading your story, and it was enjoyable, I would suggest .... cut your looses and run for the hills before they end you. Unless of course you are into this S&M stuff!

Good luck.

[meatboy]

a yrs.wait till its built,i bet her brother and sister are thinking the same.

[belg]

our house? now that is a joke ... it is her house, paid with your money...

why you even bother staying with her ?

as soon as the house is built, you are on the way out ... see you next couple of months in the : i got fleeced section

[Razer64]

blah blah blah blah.....why are you a write for soap operas in thailand.....or better yet....why not just take your own life and put a stop to the money train.

The family loves you as much as any walking wallet.....hope you figured it out by now....your wife included.

I am always completely stupefied by foreigners who think they can find money by throwing around money....

I've never been involved in a soap opera before. I've always kept to myself. This is my first one. Which is, no doubt, the reason for my shock and surprise. I can't believe this crap is happening. And when someone says, "I can't believe it", when those words come out of your mouth, it means only one thing: I wish this were not true. So true. I wish none of this were true. I wish I could just grab up Wife and tuck her under my arm and walk the hell out of here. They can have it all. I don't care. But that is much easier said than done.

Talking about the situation on the forum in words is very therapeutic for me, and much more productive than picking Sister up over my head and heaving her into the lagoon and walking out of here. I am surprised at and do sympathize with other men who have been in similar situations. Some of them have had it much worse and much tougher than I. My heart goes out to you all, and I hope things work out for you.

Most of my problems here are emotional, not financial. I am hurt and confused (though having made a huge effort over the past several days to understand all of this and get through it is, to my credit, the gutsiest thing I could possibly do right now). Walking out of here will be easy. Walking away and doing nothing is for losers. I will win this. I'm not going anywhere until I do. I've always lived a fast, adventurous lifestyle. I am introverted and keep away from other people. I always do my own thing, independent of others. And so when I must deal with others, I'm afraid I am a bit inept. Sometimes, for me anyway, running into a person is like running into a wall. Thanks in part, to this forum, and all the cool comments, yes, even the nasty ones, I am learning. I am growing.

I am better than they are. I am Apache by nature. I know how to hide and wait, to keep still, to keep looking out at them while they cannot see me at all. I am incredibly patient. I will wear them all out with my indifference. They will exhaust themselves physically and emotionally trying to figure out what I am all about. I can live off of apples and tepid tea until the cows come home. They think they are brilliant strategists with their straight faces and their lauhging, insidious comments toward me. But it is I who knows that it is the straight face that reveals much more than any other. They've all been read like a book. They've all been written into my book. I own them. The way of the monkey is to play the fool. While you laugh at and fear his antics, he bites you from behind. Unmask his overblown ego, and you expose a coward, hiding as a monkey, or a boss, or a matriarch, or a sister.

But, at the same time, this is their property, their home. If Sister came to my hut in America for a visit, for example, and started in the way she does here, I would probably try to make her feel at home. I would even go as far as to make her feel like the boss. But she has failed to treat me with any respect, while I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. All I have ever done is be kind to her and help her and her family get where they wanted to go. She has rejected me at every turn since my arrival here. That will not go unnoticed. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. Nor am I her victim.

I am last on my wife's list each day, true enough, but at the same time, she is a very busy person, with many other people making demands on her. I am a big boy and can take care of myself. I don't need much. She appreciates that. She appreciates that because she knows Sister and son and the rest of the family, are completely dependent on her person and her talents. Were it not for Wife's persistence and personality--the family would have no business together at all. She depends on me a lot for back-up. She needs someone on her side. Were it not for me, there would be no one on her side. I take care of a ton of her dirty work without complaint. I don't mind. That is my talent. I got two big, quick, powerful hands, and I'm not afraid to get them dirty or bloody. I get a kick out of the straight-faced, phony, soft-spoken, perfect "Thai gentlemen" who come here sniffing around after her, empty-handed of course, looking for a place to rest on their haunches and have an easy life while being carried on her back. She does not need another person riding her back. I am here to watch her back and see to it that does not happen. But family is family. Even if they are just a bunch of overgrown, spoiled little children. She will do for them. But that is her choice. She puts herself in that position. They only difference is that now I no longer willing to help her do for them. She is not torn between I and them. I would never put her in that position, like they would do to her in a heartbeat. I will just walk away, no hassles, no regrets, no debts.

Thus, I don't make any demands here. I ask for nothing. I want nothing. I don't care what they do here. I have no interest. That's another thing Sister can't stand about me. I do not envy her. I do not kiss her butt and ask for things, like her family and workers do. She would like for me to be a beggar with a begging bowl and bow down and ask for some crumbs. No. I pay my own way. I do as I please, independent of everyone. I do not need her. I am not indebted to her. She can't figure out how to get the advantage over me. She cannot figure out how to get the angle on me. She does not realize that there is no angle. I am not susceptible to her way of doing things. I will not fall victim to her. This she cannot stand. I have found that one of the ways of this country is corruption. This corruption is ingrained in the very psyche and into the social fabric of these people. It is, literally, their way of life. Same with the Chinese, for another example.

As far as money goes, it's not like I don't have my home and property in America, too. I do. All of it is in my name. All of it is free and clear. No debts, no obligations, except the bloody taxes, of course. Wife contributed much to that cause over the years. It's not like I am wandering around Thailand destitute and screwed over, like some of the comments here imply. But, like I said, so long as their money isn't my money, my money isn't their money either. Screw you, family. If we're all going to drink from the same well, everyone needs to ante-up. You talk the talk, but you don't walk the walk. You want me to do as you say, but not as you do. To hell with you. Screw that noise. Wife is smart and understands this. Overgrown, spoiled, childlike Sister does not. To her mind, she's the boss, and that's it, right or wrong, make or break it, win or lose, everybody needs to mind her. She's got another thing coming. She's out of her mind.

I don't throw money around. I invest it. I invested in Wife. I'm not bad with money, but it just so happens that she's a little better and more productive with it than I am. I don't have a problem with that. Nor do I understand why some of the Western men who think they have been taken in by these sly Thai female devils would want it any other way. Did your woman not take control of the finances and make something of them for all to share in? And what is wrong with that? Let her do what she does best. That's all she's asking. Yeah, sometimes they take a little more, sometimes a lot more than they should, but that goes with the territory. Oh, well.

My wife? Spoiled brat, yes, she is. But that is my fault as much as it is hers. I do enable her sometimes. Like some of the comments here have said, it takes two to tangle. I'm crazy, I'm adventurous, a businessman willing to take a calculated risk any day of the week -- I'm not stupid.

I have learned more about these people and this country in the short time I have been here than most people who come here will learn in ten years. And I've done it without even learning the language "fluently".

I don't go to bars. I don't "raise a Chang" to anything. I don't have my brain cells soaked in alcohol or get led around by my prick by bar girls. That's not an option for me. Sorry to disappoint all of you.

Edited April 1, 2014 by Razer64

[HeavyDrinker]

I need to find a different place to live while our house is being built

Sorry to sound crass but I fail to see what is stopping you? I'm afraid I couldn't read through all that. Far too early, and I've not had my tea yet.

I think you need to "man up" and get tough with your wife, be Tarzan, pick her up, tuck her under your arm, carry her out of the house, bung her in a cab to the nearest train/bus station and get out of there....You can rent a pleasant place for 20K THB almost anywhere.

When her sister visits you at your new home, be sure to treat her as she did you.

20K THB!!!??? Whatthefudge. Why do i see these insane rents all the time on here - sub-10K is more than enough out in real Thailand. I pay 6,000 for a modern duplex 2-bed house with an air-con and gardens etc - come to economical Isaan ! :-)

Maybe he has a few quid to spend (unless he's blown it on this house) and fancies some creature comforts and modern civilization instead of some flyblown scrubby corner of Thailand....

Why does Sister and Brother hate me? I have no idea.

Now you've served your purpose you are of no value. Always seems to happen in these cases. The old Khmer Rouge doctrine: "To keep you is no benefit, to lose you is no loss'...comes into play.....