Follow up on Chinese stepdaughters graduation and being uncomfortable

[nonthaburial]

A while ago, I started a thread which was immediately jumped on by the mods and closed.

In this thread I explained how I was feeling uncomfortable as my stepdaughter, was graduating next month and wanted to invite her natural father to her graduation, but he has done nothing over the last nine years to assist in her very expensive education. My feelings were raised a number of weeks ago.

I had many sensible answers, but what hit me hard between the eyes were the many comments that it was her night and it was her right to invite who she considered as the most appropriate. There were also comments that if anyone should feel uncomfortable it should be her natural father.

Let's move on, as her graduation draws closer ( May 23rd ) and the stepdaughter has been nominated as the valedictorian she now realised that she has to submit an invitation list for the graduation. And reality has hit hard. And it has stunned her.

She naturally invited her mother and myself, she also invited her grandmother and her grandfather, plus her natural father.

The father responded by calling her mother saying he would love to come, but would feel embarrassed ( as predicted by many) I responded by saying look he is the natural father and he has the rights, and I would be happy to back off and let him see his daughters graduation.

Stepdaughter responded by saying she wants us both to go but I had to explain to her diplomacy and he had more rights than me and don't worry about . That's when she lost the plot as typical as Asians are she could not see past the end of her nose.

Now she has just called me saying that she understands and she will cancel her fathers invitation as it's unfair on me, any how to cut what is probably a boring story short, the truth is known. Stepdaughters Grandmother and grandfather, from my wife's side has called natural father making it very clear that if he attends then they won't.

I am sure the saga will not end here. But what a mess all because of the inability to think ahead.

[benalibina]

If you really think that it is appropriate that her father must attend because of her wish initially, your different way of looking at it must come into play. Assuming that you truly love her, the coming time could truly become a lifechanger for her. This if you stay foot and consistent. What is more worrying is that your wifes parents do not have the best interest of your stepdaughter in mind (her initial wish to invite her own father). So thinking ahead is only part of the present problem IMHO.

Understand it must all be very awkward for you... good luck.

[nonthaburial]

Let's not forget that when divorcing nine odd years ago, the daughter was looked after by her grandparents , who it would appear to be not too impressed. By his fathering interest considering they only lived a couple of Kms apart.

Perhaps this is retribution time, but I really don't need or want to be in the middle

[Nautilus05]

Wait, what? So her invitation list was mom, you, grandparents, and natural dad. That means all five of you were allowed at the ceremony?

Then you told your step daughter that if the natural father is coming, you won't be going to the ceremony? Or am I misunderstanding something? Is she only allowed to invite four guests, or can she bring all five of you?

If what I'm understanding is correct though, then... my mom always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. That's wrong on about 50 different levels though.

[benalibina]

Let's not forget that when divorcing nine odd years ago, the daughter was looked after by her grandparents , who it would appear to be not too impressed. By his fathering interest considering they only lived a couple of Kms apart.

Perhaps this is retribution time, but I really don't need or want to be in the middle

Well...if you dont want/need to be in the middle, why you post it on here ? Its all bothering you apparantly.

From what i remember of your previous topic about this subject it shows that you care alot about your stepdaughter. Even willing to play second fiddle, so to speak, at graduationday. I call that love....so stay loyal to yourself and act how you feel is right for her 1st and then for you.

[Som wat]

Can I go in his place?

[Nautilus05]

Only thing I have to say is remember, this is HER graduation ceremony. So like it or not, your feelings and wishes don't matter. It's her ceremony, and she's the one who put in the years to graduate, not you.

This is supposed to be one of the best days of her life, and one that she will remember when she's an old lady. From the sounds of things though, you guys are ruining it for her, by forcing her to be dragged through a bunch of political family bullshit. If she wants both you and the natural father there, then suck it up, realize it's her day, respect her wishes, and welcome the natural father as a guest with open arms. Don't be a petulant kid over it though, and ruin an important day for her like this.

[nonthaburial]

Only thing I have to say is remember, this is HER graduation ceremony. So like it or not, your feelings and wishes don't matter. It's her ceremony, and she's the one who put in the years to graduate, not you.

This is supposed to be one of the best days of her life, and one that she will remember when she's an old lady. From the sounds of things though, you guys are ruining it for her, by forcing her to be dragged through a bunch of political family bullshit. If she wants both you and the natural father there, then suck it up, realize it's her day, respect her wishes, and welcome the natural father as a guest with open arms. Don't be a petulant kid over it though, and ruin an important day for her like this.

I appreciate your comments, I have made it very clear that ITS HER DAY AND WHAT SHE WANTS IS OK, but point is now natural father wants to come nut admits to being embarrassed . Kudos to him for that, I am prepared for the sake of diplomacy and family serenity, to attend playing second fiddle no issues there. But not my wife's parents are getting involved, and laying down stipulations. I am in no mans land even though I have made it clear my thoughts.

[Roadman]

The joys of modern families. Defuse the grandparents as they are now the problem, albeit I think possibly now flowing from your initial issue.

I am also struggling to see how your daughter (step) has lost the plot and is not able to see past her Asian nose. It would seem that she is the only one seeing it for what it is ...a ceremony of her achievement....at which she wants "all" that are important to her to be there to share with her. It seems she is the adult while now the g/parents are the childish. The same advice that was given to you to 'suck it up' now needs to be administered by you or from you via your partner to the g/parents.

Edited to add...sucking it up is not about playing second fiddle to the father. It's attending, sharing and enjoying your time with her as her Dad. The strength of your character is allowing that same right to her father without that normal emotion of jealousy getting loose.

Regardless good luck and again well done for being a Dad (step).

Edited April 15, 2014 by Roadman

[BillyBobThai]

It's her ceremony, and she's the one who put in the years to graduate, not you.

Obviously you have never been a parent of a teenage child. I put three through school and believe I did infact put in the time too.

[HooHaa]

i don't understand why both of you shouldn't go.

its her achievement, its her day, its her decision suck it up and be the bigger man and stop the emotional tug of war/passive aggressive crap whether from you or the grand parents.

you have had your time and will continue to do so. (but as i read farther i understand you know all that)

this is not about them. don't let them make it so.

its time for your wife to step up if she doesn't id probably pop by grandma and grandpa's as well and set them straight on what going to happen and why.

poor kid.

Edited April 15, 2014 by HooHaa

[Scarpolo]

I said it before, and I will say it again,

this is not your fight

the father does not belong there, period, and your inlaws have more balls than you

they saved, YOUR face

[Scarpolo]

further input:

The girl made an emotional request that her father attend,

liek all teenagers, they want their parents to make up.

the graduation ceremony, is not the place for that.

the rejection by the grand parents can now back fire on the daughter,

you screwed up big time, and now may have harmed her relationship with her father from rekindling for another few years,

but rekindle it will,

you shouldnt have to finance it

it is already a drain on your emotional capital, financial capital, and psychological capital.

how much further draining you got left?

assuming you provided the stable environemnt that allowed her to excel in school then this is also YOUR moment to be proud and display YOUR step daughter.

I would call you a fool but it is too late, the damage is done

now, back away from it and let the grand parents and mother deal with it

no considertion to a father who can very well come there, and start a fight,

what would you do then?

Edited April 15, 2014 by Scarpolo

[bina]

hmmm... i actually have been in this situation several times as my ex lives on kibbutz with his new wife and i also am here with my husband; all in ex in laws live here and i ahve a good relationship with them. however, up until recently, all family events involved the 'if she comes i dont' (the father); the grandmother to me: im sorry but since he says if you come he wont, im asking that u dont.... and i ahve usually gracefully backed down after explaining to my kids what lays behind it, and then attending other ceremonies or going to visits that arent neccessarily events when i could.

at high school grad, we had a mini fight about which one of us takes out the child to the dinner after with all the other families/kibbutz members. so i would go and sit with friends, and the child in question would sit with father and then come over to my table later for the coffee and cake...

i the army, he went to some of the main ceremonies, i went to others or went to army base on non event days when parents could visit.

somehowe we've made it through three kids, three school graduations, six army events (initiation to a specific unit/finishing a particular training course, etc.) not to mention all the family events in the middle.

not wanting my kids to ahve to choose (stupid regs always limit amounts of family in spite of split families becoming more and more popular), i often stepped back since the ex is adamant about appearing.

so sometimes things like this can be explained to teenagers if other ideas are forthcoming: perhaps the biological father can take her out after to someplace to celebrate the event, or attend the next part of the event (if there is one); what children want (one big happy family) is not always realistic and sometimes they have to be shown or explained to: her heart was in the right place but the action is not realistic. it has nothing to do with asia. just typical teenager wanting everyone to be warm and fuzzy.

i would talk with her and see if she would speak with the father, explain, and have her offer him alternatives.

its rather interesting as almost all the photos of my kids getting their army berets or grad pics are with my ex and his rather dominant wife, and a few with me (hubby is usually at work and often felt uncomfortable when the ex was also around, so i exempted him from these activiites, not to mention language and cultural barriers athat would cause boredom). my kids appreciated the fact that i didnt make a fuss, i celebrated with them in other ways that were meaningful to them as well.

for religious main family holidays we still hve the same problems (the ex -becoming slightly more religious recently -has been 'repenting' and inviting me and new husband to family celebrations with my kids (they are all over 18 btw)but being thai, new husband refuses so i go for the first prayer/toast/holiday greetings, eat a bit of somehting and then excuse myself to do other things.)

see what u can come up with, talk with your step daughter.. u can use my family as an example if uthink it would help...

[I Like Thai]

Why didn't you keep your mouth shut and just go. Seems like you just like to play the gracious victim.

[vtjforyou]

These ceremonies are ridiculous and you being so emotional for nothing also !

[dotpoom]

Why do you have to "back off" because he is the natural Father. He said he would feel embarrassed. That I understand....whatever problems he has had in life it brought about this situation. Up to you now to be more than gracious to him and make him feel most welcome and tell him he should be very proud of his beautiful daughter....after all.......it is you who has been blessed with being in the best years of her life....and you can be well and truly proud also for doing such a fine job of rearing her. Good luck and have a great day ....and take it from me....if the Father loves his daughter....he will be very grateful that she has such a good step-father.....although he may not have the ability at this time to say it to you.

Edited April 16, 2014 by dotpoom

[thailiketoo]

Is the event in China? Why would stepdaughter be Chinese?

Edited April 16, 2014 by thailiketoo

[USNret]

My dad left my mom when I was 6. I had little contact with him through my schooling & college years. As an adult (age 35) I happened to live near him due to a job transfer, and we developed a close relationship which lasted 20 years until his death. Knowing him in later years helped me to understand myself better, and despite his absence I saw a lot of me in him (or him in me).

Blood is thick, and even though the father is absent the girl has a right to develop a relationship with him independent & separate from her relationship with you.

[beachproperty]

I said it before, and I will say it again,

this is not your fight

the father does not belong there, period, and your inlaws have more balls than you

they saved, YOUR face

From small minds come lousy advice!

You and your wife have done a great job raising your daughter. Again congrats! As she is the one who wanted her biological father for HER graduation ...you have respected that choice. She now has to deal with the consequences of that choice. As the grandparents are against this choice she is learning how family politics relate to real life. Let her decide who is the more important to her ....grandparents or biological father ...SHE has a decision to make now.

[fishbrando]

Here's another take on a similar situation: http://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1fl2xd/my_stepdaughter_wants_her_real_dad_to_give_her/

[Gandtee]

You are born with your family, thank goodness you can choose your friends.

[nonthaburial]

Here's another take on a similar situation: http://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1fl2xd/my_stepdaughter_wants_her_real_dad_to_give_her/

Wow now that is a real bummer, puts my situation totally in the shade

[fvw53]

indeed leave this in the hands of the mother and the grand-parents

[thailandbeachisland]

When choosing a wife who already had a life if you are not able to think that your choice is wrong just accept the situation that you have created.

[Om85]

Never marry a women with children, they always bring problems.

[Om85]

Never marry women with children, they always bring problems.

[rotary]

If I were you I would back off and not attend. Solves the problem easy. If the natural father attends so be it, if he does not attend so be it. You remove yourself from the conflict by not attending in any case.

[Scarpolo]

Never marry women with children, they always bring problems.

probably one of the biggest mistakes i ever made, was violating this creed

[JLCrab]

If I were you I would back off and not attend. Solves the problem easy. If the natural father attends so be it, if he does not attend so be it. You remove yourself from the conflict by not attending in any case.

Now that rotary has written the above I would add that -- if the most important thing for you is to make the young girl happy -- you could have a last minute out-of-town business emergency and have pre-arranged for the father to take your place.