Follow up on Chinese stepdaughters graduation and being uncomfortable

[Om85]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

Never marry women with children, they always bring problems.

probably one of the biggest mistakes i ever made, was violating this creed

My creed regarding to marriage is simple: Never marry unless you need to

[nonthaburial]

Wait, what? So her invitation list was mom, you, grandparents, and natural dad. That means all five of you were allowed at the ceremony?

Then you told your step daughter that if the natural father is coming, you won't be going to the ceremony? Or am I misunderstanding something? Is she only allowed to invite four guests, or can she bring all five of you?

If what I'm understanding is correct though, then... my mom always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. That's wrong on about 50 different levels though.

Yes, to be honest I do think you are missing something. I did not tell my stepdaughter that if her biological father attended, I would not. I basically attempted to get her to see the diplomacy of the situation. He is her real father, it's her day and he admitted to my ex wife on the phone that he would be embarrassed to attend. I simply tried to defuse a situation by suggesting he had more rights than me and I would be diplomatic and let her have her day with her father, and if it helped I would step back. This was also not acceptable to her and not being able to grasp the politics, insisted we both be there.

It was then that I learnt that the grandparents, who looked after her for a good number of years got involved and stated that the real father should not go as it would embarrass me !! And I guess the follow up was they wouldn't go neither as they too would be embarrassed.

So it seems that the family, like many posters on here are all seeing things from different angles and reasoning. I will take the advice on here and adhere to the belief that this is her day, and will now step back and let family sort it out.

[Scarpolo]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

Never marry women with children, they always bring problems.

probably one of the biggest mistakes i ever made, was violating this creed

My creed regarding to marriage is simple: Never marry unless you need to

and, I didnt need too,

I couldda just came and went,

instead, residual nonsense that doesnt end

[Travel Dude]

A graduation ceremony is a Very proud moment, and very much so in Thailand.

It shows she has achieved something and those studies have often been able to come to an end due to the financial support and sacrifice within the family.

Having you there will show her face and pride. You are the stepfather and she loves you as a dad

Having her natural father there is her opportunity to show him that she is worth it and that she was able to achieve something.

Be nice, this is not about you OP. It is about a proud moment in your step daughters life.

Be there for her and let her natural father be there too.

Be compassionate. Inow it is not easy but it is HER once in a lifetime proud day.

[Travel Dude]

A graduation ceremony is a Very proud moment, and very much so in Thailand.

It shows she has achieved something and those studies have often been able to come to an end due to the financial support and sacrifice within the family.

Having you there will show her face and pride. You are the stepfather and she loves you as a dad

Having her natural father there is her opportunity to show him that she is worth it and that she was able to achieve something.

Be nice, this is not about you OP. It is about a proud moment in your step daughters life.

Be there for her and let her natural father be there too.

Be compassionate. Inow it is not easy but it is HER once in a lifetime proud day.

[Handmade]

I strongly understand yr position and how you feel .it's easy to say ... for me I will NOT attend too .

[Handmade]

I strongly understand yr position and feeling .. say it's easy then done ...

For me I will not attend .

[Thai at Heart]

Everyone should have expected step dad to man up, swallow his pride and go. If he had said, "the shame would have been too much" that would have been his.problem.

Now its your problem. There wasn't really any reason for you to say you wouldn't go. Whether he chose to go would have been up to him.

[belg]

next time (who knows?), put the stepdaughter in government school, no high costs involved

dad has been a deadbeat for 9 years, so film the event, put it on youtube and send him the link

next thing would be: deadbeat father is asking you for money to pay his ticket, hotel, alcohol

Edited April 16, 2014 by belg

[ggt]

I feel your pain bro...this to will soon pass and be forgotten...good luck...

[dao16]

Well, there are some situations where you can just state your position and let others figure out how they feel on their own. Here, you have said you wouldn't mind if he comes (not sure why you insisted that he has "more" rights than you....don't think that is true). So, everyone knows you were cool about it and just wanted your daughter to have a good day for graduation. Now that the extended family is stepping in, there is no reason for you to go to bat for the biological father. Let him deal with his shame himself and if the family doesn't want him to go, whatever--you are on the record saying you want whatever your daughter wants. The end.

[oldsailor35]

Let's not forget that when divorcing nine odd years ago, the daughter was looked after by her grandparents , who it would appear to be not too impressed. By his fathering interest considering they only lived a couple of Kms apart.

Perhaps this is retribution time, but I really don't need or want to be in the middle

Wife's parents know which street the ATM is on !

[oldsailor35]

Is the event in China? Why would stepdaughter be Chinese?

OK............Chinese/Thai then. .......duhhhhhh !

[art vandelay]

fairly typical knee jerk over reaction rather than contemplation and communication to find a compromise solution.

maybe you shouldn't be trying to manage the situation at all. just sit back and let your step daughter make the arrangements and be prepared to calmly accept whatever course of action she comes up with.

including being prepared to go or not go at the last minute because nothing has been arranged in advance...

[nonthaburial]

Let's not forget that when divorcing nine odd years ago, the daughter was looked after by her grandparents , who it would appear to be not too impressed. By his fathering interest considering they only lived a couple of Kms apart.

Perhaps this is retribution time, but I really don't need or want to be in the middle

Wife's parents know which street the ATM is on !

Actually that statement is far from the truth, my Chinese wife and I are doing well with our businesses one in China and one in BKK, my wife has two brothers, one is acknowledged as the top cancer surgeon in China, whilst the other is the major Toyota distributor in Yunnan Province

[thailiketoo]

Is the event in China? Why would stepdaughter be Chinese?

OK............Chinese/Thai then. .......duhhhhhh !

She is Chinese duhhhh! And I assume the graduation is in China. Or is the father flying from China to Thailand?

Edited April 16, 2014 by thailiketoo

[Bluetongue]

For various reasons too long and boring to go into I think that the OP could be a difficult man to live with. Not content with continually bragging about how fabulously everything goes for him in Asia all his life he then rubbishes Asian people - cant see beyond the end of their nose etc including his own stepdaughter who is so fabulous as well though. And playing it out on

TV, sorry its a Thai soap opera on an internet forum

[Showbags]

I failed graduation.

l am lucky l did not have these life decisions to make.

[Showbags]

A graduation ceremony is a Very proud moment, and very much so in Thailand.

It shows she has achieved something and those studies have often been able to come to an end due to the financial support and sacrifice within the family.

Having you there will show her face and pride. You are the stepfather and she loves you as a dad

Having her natural father there is her opportunity to show him that she is worth it and that she was able to achieve something.

Be nice, this is not about you OP. It is about a proud moment in your step daughters life.

Be there for her and let her natural father be there too.

Be compassionate. Inow it is not easy but it is HER once in a lifetime proud day.

in thailand....proud that they got a piece of hiso paper and did not have to pass anything to actually get it

[seajae]

mate, it is in your daughters hands now, she has to decide who is more important. her grandparents or her father. Unfortunately we dont always get what we want in life and this is a good lesson for her, sometimes you have to accept that things that have happened in the past leaves scars on lots of people and they will show up eventually as they have now. I understand where you are coming from and she should too, actually her grandparents should have told her they would not go if her father went and why, big realty bite for her but if they were honest with her then maybe she would understand better. It is her day but she needs to accept what life has given her, telling the truth to her face as you did was the best thiung you could have done, seems all the others did it behind her back to save their face.

[Scarpolo]

A graduation ceremony is a Very proud moment, and very much so in Thailand.

It shows she has achieved something and those studies have often been able to come to an end due to the financial support and sacrifice within the family.

Having you there will show her face and pride. You are the stepfather and she loves you as a dad

Having her natural father there is her opportunity to show him that she is worth it and that she was able to achieve something.

Be nice, this is not about you OP. It is about a proud moment in your step daughters life.

Be there for her and let her natural father be there too.

Be compassionate. Inow it is not easy but it is HER once in a lifetime proud day.

in thailand....proud that they got a piece of hiso paper and did not have to pass anything to actually get it

plenty educated women in the brothels with degrees

[fvw53]

I think that many of the replies by TV members depend on their own experience :

a) if they went themselves through a divorce with their children going one side or another

if they entered into a marriage with children from a previous marriage

c) it they are 25 years old bachelors or spinsters who faced one of the situations described in a) and

etc..etc...

Each situation will be different and so...

....I think in the end the OP must decide for himself and not try to depend on opinions of people mentioned in a) and c)

May-be the stepdaughter is a wonderful young lady...may-be she is not so wonderful....we simply don't know ..

...and even if we would be their friendly neighbours or close friends then we still may not be in a position to judge what is best.

[nonthaburial]

For various reasons too long and boring to go into I think that the OP could be a difficult man to live with. Not content with continually bragging about how fabulously everything goes for him in Asia all his life he then rubbishes Asian people - cant see beyond the end of their nose etc including his own stepdaughter who is so fabulous as well though. And playing it out on

TV, sorry its a Thai soap opera on an internet forum

I am sorry I don't watch Thai soap operas, If you have the ability to read what I was trying to convey, and that was I feel it is a trait in Asians that they have difficulty in looking ahead and planning. Let me give you a classic example, in the very early days when the HK Cross Harbour tunnel was completed, a very good English friend of mine was promoted and became the tunnel manager. His first comments were, that it shouldn't be difficult to find local staff !! Now if that was too high for you, I will explain, he was saying that the local people in HK suffered from tunnel vision.

I have never forgotten that, and. Over the years and working elsewhere in Asia including Manila, Korea , Thailand and China for long terms plus working visits to nearly every country that makes up Asia and South east Asia, I have seen it regularly.

Remember the military expression regarding the 6 P's Proper Preperation Prevents Piss Poor Performance, absolutely true.

There was also no need for your personal attack, but I feel that a lot of my success has come from preparing and planning. I am not a difficult person to live with but I am very impatient with idiots. If people who work for me refuse to listen to suggestions and build a hole to fall into then it's their responsibility to dig themselves out. As for my stepdaughter, it was my responsibility to help dig her out, and that's what I tried to do.

[Beetlejuice]

Let's not forget that when divorcing nine odd years ago, the daughter was looked after by her grandparents , who it would appear to be not too impressed. By his fathering interest considering they only lived a couple of Kms apart.

Perhaps this is retribution time, but I really don't need or want to be in the middle

You have no need to be the piggy in the middle.

This is how I would handle the situation:

It is obvious that you have very little control over the situation. You want to appease everyone but some are not willing to make compromises on what should be your step daughter`s special occasion, meaning these people are mean and have rather selfish attitudes by not making any allowances so that your step daughter enjoys the day and if left with fond memories of the event.

I would make it clear to all those invited that you only have your step daughter`s happiness at heart and that you will not interfere and will let everyone make their own decisions, or in other words it`s up to them and you will go along with anything they decide. That way you can not be blamed for causing any problems if you remain neutral.

And this is exactly what I would do. Your dilemma and problem solved.

[thailiketoo]

Everyone in this story is Chinese except the OP and the events are taking place in China. The China that is building one new airport every 23 days. Unless the OP thinks all Asians are the same why would he post it on Thai Visa. I know Chinese people and I know Thai people. They are not alike.

[Showbags]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

A graduation ceremony is a Very proud moment, and very much so in Thailand.
It shows she has achieved something and those studies have often been able to come to an end due to the financial support and sacrifice within the family.
Having you there will show her face and pride. You are the stepfather and she loves you as a dad
Having her natural father there is her opportunity to show him that she is worth it and that she was able to achieve something.
Be nice, this is not about you OP. It is about a proud moment in your step daughters life.
Be there for her and let her natural father be there too.
Be compassionate. Inow it is not easy but it is HER once in a lifetime proud day.

in thailand....proud that they got a piece of hiso paper and did not have to pass anything to actually get it

plenty educated women in the brothels with degrees

What did they major in to get that job ?

[nonthaburial]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

A graduation ceremony is a Very proud moment, and very much so in Thailand.

It shows she has achieved something and those studies have often been able to come to an end due to the financial support and sacrifice within the family.

Having you there will show her face and pride. You are the stepfather and she loves you as a dad

Having her natural father there is her opportunity to show him that she is worth it and that she was able to achieve something.

Be nice, this is not about you OP. It is about a proud moment in your step daughters life.

Be there for her and let her natural father be there too.

Be compassionate. Inow it is not easy but it is HER once in a lifetime proud day.

in thailand....proud that they got a piece of hiso paper and did not have to pass anything to actually get it

plenty educated women in the brothels with degrees

What did they major in to get that job ?

Probably estate agency, and reading the number of idiots who have been scammed, it looks like a very profitable degree

[DJKwik]

Anyone, grandparent, friends, family, etc., who cannot look beyond whatever happened or did not happen over the past 9 years, needs a firm, if not stern, discussion (and maybe even a knock on their head to jar some sense into their brain!!!). This is her graduation and ALL family disagreements should be over-looked at least the duration of this (HER) very special occasion!!!

[JO1973]

"Stepdaughter responded by saying she wants us both to go but I had to explain to her diplomacy and he had more rights than me and don't worry about."

You don't really think he has more rights, do you? You raised her for the past nine years during the toughest time of a young person's life and obviously did a good enough job that she is graduating valedictorian. I think you have more than earned your right to be there as much as he has.

[sirineou]

I read the OP's story carefully, twise. and I still fail to see where the "Chinese" part come's in.

????????