The In-laws!

[Belfastboy]

Guys, I feel I have to express my feelings here, and I hope some of you will be able to give me some advice on the matter.....

ok, here goes...

I have my father in-law (Thai) and sister in-law staying with myself and my Thai wife here in the UK.

they have been here since March and are due to leave in August. (thank god)

This is their second tour of duty here in a year, mainly to help out my lovely pregnant wife as she runs her own restaurant. Now,recently we have just moved out of a 2 bed apartment which I can tell u was a squeeze, have you ever tried living with 5 people in a 2 bed apartment !? Plus they are your in-laws to top things off, well its not fun I can tell you.....

anyhow, we recently moved into a nice 4 bed house with garden, garage etc.. in a lovely neighbourhood, and things with the in-laws have come to a head.

the thing is, the father in law goes for long walks, in turn bringing back all the junk and trash of the day, example the other day he came back with floor mats from a car ( god only knows where he finds these things!) and has placed it right in the garden on top of the deck chairs that he has placed in the flower bed to shade the plants!!!?? now I don't mind but he also brings back weeds and plants them too.....this is just a number of things collecting and hoarding junk in the house in full view of the neighbours, so I said to the mrs to make sure he understands that we don't want junk or shit in the house and that they aren't flowers, they are weeds and will kill the newly plants flowers......basically trying to help him out, to understand farang ways....etc.....

so the other day I noticed him walking with a carrier bag full of rubbish from the house walking over to the neighbours bins and throwing the rubbish into their bins..!! now I had to say to my wife again to make him understand u just don't do that here.....so what happens he fly's off the handle starts kicking the front door kicks everything in sight and goes raging around the house, !having a go at my wife for arguing with him!! this all happens as the neighbour pulls up to enter her house…great!

and guess what the sister in law stood by him, I just cant believe it.. ...something so petty and he goes nuts, this in turn makes my wife very upset etc........as the dust settles apparently I am watching him and telling my wife everything he does, and also im apparently talking bad to the sister in law according to the book of the sister in-law, the other day I was joking that her car in Thailand which is a Honda jazz was for old people, this was bad apparently! also I asked what she had bought for her sisters birthday ,which was sweet fa as always , this is bad to point this out too...

so basically there is a conspiracy out to get me.......the father in law has pointed out that when I am in Thailand he wont visit me etc etc......

now my wife is totally on my side, but im really pissed off at his behaviour not only the damage to my house but the stress hes putting my pregnant wife.....

This is only a number of things, the sister in law is a real frigging gossip and always has to get her own way, apparently because she's younger than my wife!

what should i do guys?? theres been talk of them going home now earlier than expected.....in one mind I'm tempted to tell them to ###### off and never come back but i know that would hurt my wife aand thats the last thing i want......

im at my wit's end........i just dunno what to do......

We just don’t need the stress and feeling uncomfortable at this stage……..

Aaahhhhh….inlaws!!!

[Nam Kao]

Booze is the answer

[KhunMarco]

Tipical Thai child mentality, tell him you need more weeds for the house and ask him to go out and find them for you.

He will stop in a nanosec.....

Again this face BS, they are in your country and they'd better adapt quickly to the UK way or they can go fark themselves, isn't what they say when you are in Thailand?

And when you are actually in Thailand the father won't see you...thanks god, now let's hope the sister 's got the same idea!!!

Edited June 13, 2006 by KhunMarco

[jdinasia]

LOL ... actually a great bottle of Scotch WILL be the answer when the in-laws leave ...

but really ... somewhere there must be a book like "Culture Shock Thailand" ... but more like "Culture Shock Farangland" to help the in-laws get a better grip!

I swear your story here could almost have been mine back in the USA when I had relatives visit me in a very nice section of a major city ... they were from the country ... true hillbillies ...

Finally had to tell them that you CANNOT shoot a .22 rifle even in town ... and that in town ... squirrels were NOT food!

The sad thing is that your in-laws are NOT being mean ... or thinking that they are doing harm ... they think they are HELPING ...

That means that when you talk to them .. you must first recognize that they are trying to help!

" Really thank you for trying to help .. and in Thailand I would be so grateful! This not being Thailand makes this a problem though because here the house is only nice if it is clean and orderly outside! We also do not share our neighbors spaces resources here. They pay to have their garbage removed and we pay to have ours taken away so it is not fair for us to put our garbage in their space. It is like stealing from them! The same can be said about taking things FROM their garbage. It belongs to them until the officials come and take it away!"

Man I do NOT envy you having to have these conversations ... but instead of being upset ... try and think with gratitude for their resourcefulness .. then ask them to be less resourceful

[NovaBlue05]

Suck it up...August is a few weeks away. My wife has a few rai on the family farm in Isaan and wants to build a house but I am wary of the whole obnoxious family thing. On the bright side, her father is already dead and her mother is 82 and I believe I/We can handle the siblings.

Chok Dee!

[TRIPxCORE]

On the bright side, her father is already dead and her mother is 82

Chok Dee!

I don't know if you meant this to sound so cruel but it does. That is a pretty shady thing to say about your wife's family. Is that how you really meant it?--"Thank God the old man is dead"!

[jdinasia]

It was at least realistic ... and certainly not as offensive as KuhnMarco's ethnocentric post :-)

[udon]

Who is more important to you, your wife or the FIL?

Bung him a few thousand baht and help him go home early.

[KhunMarco]

It was at least realistic ... and certainly not as offensive as KuhnMarco's ethnocentric post :-)

Can't see why when they have to adapt it's ethnocentric, when we have to adapt is "you don't understand ,you are a farang, this is the Thai Way.

BS

Or we have to understand them and close an eye because they just don't get it? Are they stupid?

I don't think so, I think they (sweep generalization alert) tend to be childish from a western point of view.

Like with a child you have to find a way to make them do things, thinking it's their idea, so they don't "lose face." Again in my home that's BS, in Thailand that's the rule..

Now since the OP said they were in UK...Thai BS doesn't count.

When they are in Thailand , Uk BS doesn't count.

Fair to me.

Don't you find the sister behavior childish? Oh gees he dare to criticize my farking car... lol man you are going native, which can even be a good thing ...for your Thai partner

Edited June 14, 2006 by KhunMarco

[jdinasia]

Tipical Thai child mentality, tell him you need more weeds for the house and ask him to go out and find them for you.

He will stop in a nanosec.....

Again this face BS, they are in your country and they'd better adapt quickly to the UK way or they can go fark themselves, isn't what they say when you are in Thailand?

And when you are actually in Thailand the father won't see you...thanks god, now let's hope the sister 's got the same idea!!!

Hmmm "tipical<sic> Thai child mentality" the whole line is at the very least ethnocentric .... quite possibly racist ...

then the lack of concern for the guy's family life in the third paragraph?

and yes I concur with the second line ... if you leave out the inane farking line ... and realize that YOU have the option of learning CLEARLY from books and the internet about the subtleties of adapting to life in a vastly different environment

[jackr]

Who is more important to you, your wife or the FIL?

Bung him a few thousand baht and help him go home early.

Personally, there's no way in the world I'd have the outlaws back home.

Bung him some baht and bring the flight forward as udon says. Or you could tell him that the Wickerman takes care of foreigners who go through bins

[lordofdelusion]

Why is this a racial issue at all? This is a behavior issue. If the whole family was from the same country and the in-law had a fit, we wouldn't be looking to explain it away . Have 'em hauled off for a 24 hour psych evaluation maybe. I'm sure if the OP had a fit in Thailand he would be looked down on as definately not jaiyen, maybe worse. When you are a guest anywhere, learn how to act like a real person.

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. (Actually that applies to your blood relatives, never mind)

[lordofdelusion]

>>>>I believe I/We can handle the siblings

Be careful they could be worse.

One cousin of my wifes, a young girl in her 20's just shows up one day and announces

"I am going to live here for awhile". Tells my my wife, not asks. My wife said no you

cannot but you can stay for a bit. I didnt mind it, she was pretty hot and

didnt wear too much clothing. We had alot of fun together just hanging out and she

had a real bubbly personality for a TG. Well one morning i am sleeping. My wife went

to go see her mom who needed to go see a Dr. I am sleeping on my side and I feel

someone slip into the bed. I thought it was my wife thinking maybe she didnt go. So I

try to drift back to sleep. Next someone is kissing the back of neck and i could smell

whisky. I thought hmmm my wife doesnt drink. So i turn around and its the cousin!

Worse than that she is drunk and not wearing a STITCH of clothing! She kisses me right on

the mouth and gets right on top of me. I was in shock. In my mind all i see is that Robot

on that TV series "Lost in Space" repeating "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!" Well

i just froze for a second. She had me pinned and was speaking something in thai and

kissing my neck, i am thinking wow this girl is mint. Her voice would melt a steel girder.

I started saying MAI MAI and she locked on tighter. She kept talking in thai and the kissing -

guys i was getting weak, my whole body just relaxed. Then a car drives by my baan and

scared I launch out of bed like a missile. Luckily it wasnt any relatives. So I throw my clothes

on and left and bolted to a nearby Wat, i figured its the safest place at this point. I got my

cell phone, do i call my wife and tell her? If i did the fur would be flying when she got back.

I was stressing. So after an hour a go back and she is gone. All her stuff gone. I never said

anything and seen her about a month later in town with some othe TGs. I smiled at her and

she smiled back.

Upcountry Dangerously...

YOU MADE THIS UP!!!!!!!!! C'MON

[KhunMarco]

Oh I see what you mean Jdinasia, it didn't mean to be racist, well you gotta admit it's a trait of the Thais the Childish behaviour (ok i didn't add the genaralization alert in the first post), which is something I like a lot when it is positively applied to life.

Yah ,my post was a bit harsh...

to the Op : give dad a kick in the arse for me

[Misplaced]

>>>>I believe I/We can handle the siblings

YOU MADE THIS UP!!!!!!!!! C'MON

May be he did and may be he didn't. In either case I bet he got you all worked up :D

I think I've seen this movie. It has a boom-chicky boom guitar soundtrack and is poorly lit.

"boom-chicky boom guitar?"

ummmm.... sorry never watched that type of show

[Sir Burr]

It's your house and anyone that is under it's roof should live by your rules.

He is a guest in your house and as such should behave like one.

This is the way it is in every country of the world.

If you don't put your foot down now, you will be sowing trouble for the future.

Get your wife to tactfully explain the first paragraph, if he doesn't like it, pack him off home.

I also have inlaws and made a stand very early in my relationship with their daughter. They now treat me with respect (at least to my face) and avoid any issues where I might get angry, or, say no.

[a2396]

Never let in-laws or relatives in the same house with you. I told my little darling that no one lives in our house but she and myself. So far, this has been maintained.

[meadish_sweetball]

Saying they should just adapt and swallow is pretty harsh. Very few farang here adapt to *everything* that would be expected of them in Thai culture.

Personally I do not think it is healthy to adapt to everything in another culture, either. You have to find what aspects you like and can adapt to, and what aspects you cannot or will not adapt to. They may not always be the same as what the people around you would like, but in the end it is about you as a foreigner in a new culture feeling comfortable with yourself and your surroundings.

Nobody likes to be told what to do all the time, and it becomes even more sensitive in that he is older and according to his cultural map it is completely out of place for a younger person to criticise him... he is in a state of culture shock and it will take time for him to adapt - chances are he never will, just like many of the farang living here in Thailand never do.

If you want to help him, my best bet is patience and making the criticism as positive and constructive as possible. Meeting other Thais who have become more naturalized will probably also help.

[GuestHouse]

Learn from your mistakes.

They'll be gone in August, just make sure they don't come back.

We also have a rule in our house. Nobody visits for more than two weeks.

Edited June 14, 2006 by GuestHouse

[OneeyedJohn]

Been there, done it got the T-shirt, tick in the box, i 'm afraid its awful

Friends and / or Family in ur house for longer than 3 days is just like fish

They go off

[NovaBlue05]

On the bright side, her father is already dead and her mother is 82

Chok Dee!

I don't know if you meant this to sound so cruel but it does. That is a pretty shady thing to say about your wife's family. Is that how you really meant it?--"Thank God the old man is dead"!

"Thank God the old man is dead"!....No , I think a quick re-read would confirm that comment comes from your keyboard...not mine. The fact is,my wifes father has been dead for 18 years so I never knew him. Her mother is fine...never wants to leave the family farm or get on a plane...never ask for anything when we visit...although we do send her some cash each month to help make her twilight years a bit more comfortable. For her birthday last year, we bought her one of those air conditioning units for the bedroom. She can't stand AC so she doesnt use it. We also had a western style toilet installed (for our visits as much as anything) but she still uses the squatter...lol...she's low maintrenance. My point is that I appear to be fortunate in in the sense that I wont have the parental conflicts to deal with. My wife, although the youngest of the siblings, is the only family member to leave Thailand or learn english. She left Thailand, learned english and has a job here in the US making decent money. Her siblings pretty much look at her as the leader behind mom (who really defers to her anyway).

[NovaBlue05]

>>>>I believe I/We can handle the siblings

Be careful they could be worse.

One cousin of my wifes, a young girl in her 20's just shows up one day and announces

"I am going to live here for awhile". Tells my my wife, not asks. My wife said no you

cannot but you can stay for a bit. I didnt mind it, she was pretty hot and

didnt wear too much clothing. We had alot of fun together just hanging out and she

had a real bubbly personality for a TG. Well one morning i am sleeping. My wife went

to go see her mom who needed to go see a Dr. I am sleeping on my side and I feel

someone slip into the bed. I thought it was my wife thinking maybe she didnt go. So I

try to drift back to sleep. Next someone is kissing the back of neck and i could smell

whisky. I thought hmmm my wife doesnt drink. So i turn around and its the cousin!

Worse than that she is drunk and not wearing a STITCH of clothing! She kisses me right on

the mouth and gets right on top of me. I was in shock. In my mind all i see is that Robot

on that TV series "Lost in Space" repeating "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!" Well

i just froze for a second. She had me pinned and was speaking something in thai and

kissing my neck, i am thinking wow this girl is mint. Her voice would melt a steel girder.

I started saying MAI MAI and she locked on tighter. She kept talking in thai and the kissing -

guys i was getting weak, my whole body just relaxed. Then a car drives by my baan and

scared I launch out of bed like a missile. Luckily it wasnt any relatives. So I throw my clothes

on and left and bolted to a nearby Wat, i figured its the safest place at this point. I got my

cell phone, do i call my wife and tell her? If i did the fur would be flying when she got back.

I was stressing. So after an hour a go back and she is gone. All her stuff gone. I never said

anything and seen her about a month later in town with some othe TGs. I smiled at her and

she smiled back.

Upcountry Dangerously...

YOU MADE THIS UP!!!!!!!!! C'MON

Im pretty sure that would be the one thing my wife would consistently stand firm on...even with the family

[Belfastboy]

Thanks guys for all the advice and help, truly appreciated, it's times like these that you need help and advice from people who really DO understand....

well the dust has settled, and me and my wife had a really long deep conversation last night about the whole situation, she's so great, she supports me 100% and she's says she really doesn't care if they do go home.

apparently, he has hit her mum in the past and has known to disappear off for weeks with no warning, so all the shit is coming out.

the thing that gets me is the sister in-law's childish behaviour, get this....she listed off a list of events that have made me bad...now judge for yourself..

1: the slagging of her car

2: talking to her TOO straight, regarding never buying my wife a birthday present. ( but when its her birthday she demands a party and names the present!)

3: I shouldn't have told my friends her real age

4: I bought a large pizza for myself and only a medium pizza for her father in law and her ( in fact that's what they asked for , and I &lt;deleted&gt; paid for it)

5: I joked to my mother in-law that I wouldn't leave her future grand child with her as she might only keep the baby (joke)

the list goes on and on.......how ######ing petty is this!!!

my wife reckons its just an excuse to support the father in-law

now I wanted to sit down and talk to them both, with my wife translating so there would be no misunderstanding, but my wife reckons that he won't talk and won't listen, so where do I go from here??

I'm now thinking of excuses not to go home, but why should I?? its my home.....

I usually head home from work at lunch time, but was considering not today....but now after reading your advice guys, I think I need to make a stand....

do u think I should bring up the topic try and solve it, or let it lie?

[pnustedt]

do u think I should bring up the topic try and solve it, or let it lie?

Let it lie - not long to go. Just make sure they don't come back again.

I'm in a similar situation - my wife's nephew has moved in with us to attend school at a nearby college, I asked her how long we've got to put up with him - she said five years!

[jdinasia]

Gentle gentle .... you have (hopefully) a lifetime being related to these people ...

make a stand ... but don't be a bulldozer

[Phil Conners]

Perhaps you could tell them that you have a feeling they are not happy staying with you and if there was any way you could help them by pushing their flight forward ....

[NovaBlue05]

Unless you are 100% fluent in their language and customs, then you will have to take a stand with your wife as the mouthpiece. You can bet that she will not deliver the message with the same passion you intend it. Unless she can do that, then nothing will happen. If she can deliver it like that, then you risk a long term divide between yourself and her family. Wait it out. They are here until August so it's not open ended. And in the future...discourage visits altogether.

[KhunMarco]

I suggest ghosts, lots of ghosts in your home

[chonabot]

I also have problems with my wife's sister-in-law, she is married to my ex-best friend.

We acted as matchmakers for them,on their bequest.

The day she finally came to the UK with my then best friend, on a fiancee visa, the first thing she said to my wife was " You are not my sister". She has held a grudge against my wife for something that happened years ago, over the last 5 years she has been nothing but a thorn in our sides.

Thai's have different values and can hold grudges for decades. If I could turn back time I would have left the pathetic &lt;deleted&gt; of an ex mate carry on living as a lonely sad little wank spaniel.

The rest of my wife's family are great, but then, they are 6000 miles away.

Edited June 14, 2006 by chonabot

[chinachampion]

Easy solution:

build a small house for them to live not near your house.

No big deal.