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Posted

I don't want to argue I just want people to show me a little respect I work and make everything happen. If you can't lift a finger to help or say thank you then maybe I just have to separate myself from the situation. Its sad to think people are so ungratul and expect someone else to bend over backwards and give nothing in return. I can always leave and maybe thats what I should do. They need me more than I need them. Your forgetting what if the dad is a total jerk? What then? I don't want to be his friend.

There's only two questions you need to ask yourself:

Does your wife love her father more than you?

If so, do you love her more than you hate him?

Answer those and adjust your attitude or actions accordingly.

T

Posted

Sounds familiar, ones playing by rules of chess the other by rules of tiddlywinks and then wondering why its a problem.

You need to either unlearn the chess and learn tiddlywinks, or start teaching chess.

  • Like 2
Posted

Move into your other place and cut off financial ties. Stop being a wimp. You are the man of the house. This is Thailand, act like it. She shows no respect for you, and so does her father. He can clean his room and help around the house on your terms. YOUR culture is just as important as hers. She decided to marry you, remember? Be equal, and fair. He is a guest in your house.

  • Like 2
Posted

Sounds familiar, ones playing by rules of chess the other by rules of tiddlywinks and then wondering why its a problem.

You need to either unlearn the chess and learn tiddlywinks, or start teaching chess.

Welcome to Thailand. In Thailand familys value family. A lot. Parents????? Daughters value & respect their parents more than anyone else by a huge margin.

Father will always be welcomed & supported in The daughters or sons home. Most Thai familys are like that . When you married the girl

You married the whole family. Sorry cant choose the bits you like & amputate the parts you dont like...

If you make her choose, Popa will remain & you will get visits at yer apartment or less. I have heard a saying involving Rome

Cant think of it right now.

Bad Tony

Posted

You just tell him of he does not want to help out with chores, washing dishes, cleaning the toilets, washing your cars, cleaning your shoes, washing your clothes, he has 24 hours to pack up his crap and get out. Tell your wife the same thing, if she does not defend you and admit her father is a sack of shi*. Plain and simple, just tell it like it is. Lazy is lazy, I do not care who this punk ass bit** is.

Spidermike

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect

  • Like 2
Posted

In situations like this, there will always be posters with the "this is Thailand" comment, as if all Thais are identical.

And we have to accept their ways, or leave.

Nonsense!

My wife has 3 children: a lazy one, a hard worker, and a money - asker.

Don't buy the this is Thailand, in laws are like that, you have no say in it - comments.

Lazy is lazy.

Find a solution that fits you and inform them about your decision!

Posted

Hi there,

I would like to talk a little bit about my experiences dealing with my Thai father in law. First off I am a American I have lived in Thailand for over 4 years. I orginally lived with my wife and her son until her father came to live with us. My life before living with the father inlaw was good I was the man of the house and things were great. The father inlaw came to live with us about a year ago because other members of the family had passed away and there wasn't any other place for him to stay. My wife insisted that we take him in. (Fine I'll deal with it) So a few days go by a week goes by a month goes by this guy never does anything all he does is sit around and take up space. He eats my food drinks my beer never says thank you and makes a mess. I have talked to my wife about this but she is unwilling to confront him about his behavior and just says this is the way he is. My biggest issue is that I understand this is Thailand and it is hard to make a lot of money like us Farangs but not working or trying at all is unacceptable this man is in his early 60's and doesn't do anything. I have suggested the idea that he could work a few times and it is always shrugged of as "my dad is too old no job for him" So what does that mean you can just consume all you want and give back nothing and be a jerk. It reached a point where his laziness anoyed me to the point that I called him out on his behavior telling him why can't you help out with some daily chores or do anything. (I can speak Thai fairly well) He just looked at me with his usual dumb blank stare. I have since had enough because the wife will not side with me and I can't stand this guy I now have my own apartment about 15 minute drive from her house. I still am with my wife but feel like I have been kicked out of my own house. Any constructive advice for this situation would be appreciated. Thanks!

I think you've done the right thing getting your own space. With family issues some people will rarely change. If you really want to stay with your wife and see it working in the future the only option would be to get FIL to move into your apartment. If your wife hasn't budged when you've moved out you need to either work through it, get FIL into your apartment and you move back in with your wife. Or, *personally speaking* I'd be having a serious chat with your wife about the future of your relationship.

Sent from my TRUE BEYOND 3G using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

  • Like 1
Posted

I think you probably needed this thread before you moved out. You've gone and made the big move here, what's your end game? What do you think or want to happen?

If it's the FIL moves out then that's unlikely, 4 years in Thailand you got to know how that stuff works, right?

Your only move is cheap place for Papa so 'you have your own space' (as you'd say to your wife to not make it look like you're chucking him out) ... I am sure she will provide food, etc. Other option is cut back on what he expends but he's also old and had his life and thinking 'why is this git telling me how much to eat and drink'!

To move back in now is like a big move of contrition and you backed yourself into this corner now by moving out instead of addressing things and talking them through beforehand

Is the missus still ok with you or is she thinking worse of you now?

Posted

The relationship is very toxic. If it were me I would look after me and move on. Life is short.

Being single, with back up at all times is the best way to go for me.

After two divorces I learned my lessons.

My definition of love is harmony of two souls. In today's world harmony for any length of time is damn near impossible.

The father in law accomplished his goal.

If you are in pain over this, think about what she will look like in 8 years, and the money you will save on dental and medical bills, including the free loader!

  • Like 1
Posted

I remember the old days when I used to fall in love at the drop of a pin. I have since learned my lessons. My spec is pretty high, and guess what? I am so much happier now. You need to think about that and remember where you are. You have many options, and many girls that know you are a good catch, and a good man so she will certainly respect you and not treat you like this. You have 2 heads, are you thinking with the right one?

Posted

Then maybe leaving is the best option

Yes, there are some cheap one way tickets out of Thailand at present.

That's not a very nice answer, just because the OP says "maybe leaving is the best option", that does not necessary mean he wants to leave Thailand. Sounds like you are just one of the "if you don't like it then go home" brigade.

Posted

Saying its just Thai culture is used way too much.So I just do whatever they want based on its Thai culture. What about my culture? How about working? As a man you should work as long as your physically able to (unless you have money) if not your just a loser. How can you respect a person that doesn't work and just sits around all day? I wish people would stop defending lazy behavior and saying thats just the way it is.

Your wife has told you she is not bothered by it.

Keep digging at it and you'll be happy all by yourself when she gives you a rock and hard place to choose from.

Don't really believe your asking for a genuine advice anyways, try downloading a game if your bored.

  • Like 1
  • 1 month later...
Posted

i know this may come off as a bit of a stretch..

but.. try hooking your DIL up!!

maybe bring an older attrative lady home or introduce him to the neighbours.. LOL let him get more involved with a social life and he may very well... leave you with more personal space and time!!!

alternative would be pay him to go on frequent vacations outside bangkok... (not the best idea though)

Posted

Well I have been living in Thailand a bit longer than the OP and I have been married 15 years to my Thai wife.

When we built our house (or hers if you wish) we also built a small house with the expectation that her parent would come to live with us at some time.

My MIL has been living with us in that house for the last 4 years (FIL still lives in BKK) and the strangr thing is that before we married I knew that it would happen and planned for it.

My MIL will be 69 this November and cannot work though she does get a state pension of a whole 600 baht per month so we take care of her.

Yes I am the financial provider for me, my wife and 10 year old son and the MIL and I don't have a problem with looking after all of us. I know that when I get old and can't do very much my wife will look after me.

I also know that if my parents were alive and living here that my wife would look after them too.

It is the Thai way and if you didn't know that before you were married then that is your fault, and also if you force your to choose between you and her father she is most likely to choose him over you.

You seem to be a control freak and must be the one in charge all the time. As for me I grew out of that a long time ago.

For the rest of you macho males out there, I sort of feel a bit sorry for you. One part of being married is that you share what you have. If you don't want to share then don't marry and live in your own happy little world.

One thing I forgot to mention is that I am 70 and a lot more active than my MIL.

Have a good weekend and don't drink too much bile as it is bad for your health.

Posted

Your 70 I'm 29 I don't want to live with someone elses family especially when they don't do anything to help.

Then why did you get married to a Thai girl in the first place?

Did you not talk to her and think about the future?

I knew my Thai wife for 7 years before we married and during that 7 year I learned a lot and a lot more in the 15 years we have been married.

I also talked to friend who had gone down the route before me.

You seem to be happiest where you are at the moment but there will come a time when you have to decide what to do about you and your wife.

Posted

Nothing to do with Thai culture. It's the family culture.

You sound like a square peg in a round hole.

No you don't marry the family.

The FIL is exhibiting the usual sense of entitlement just because he is the father whether good or bad, probably the latter, as he seems to have worn out the other family members, probably hasn't done much all his life..probably put the wife into an early grave.

You married in haste..as so many do here..

Tell your wife he has to leave..not your burden.

Posted

Then maybe leaving is the best option

Yes, there are some cheap one way tickets out of Thailand at present.
No need to leave, just dump the wife! All problems sorted. Lots of empties out there.
  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

Yeah I dont agree with all this "its our culture" excuse either, culture is just an operating system as Terrence Mckenna says, we were born into it with no choices and its shaped us in ways we dont even know.. try not to consume culture but create it.

When I first came to Thailand I didnt have a problem with things like this, thinking i make shitloads more than these people its the right thing to do, but the thing that gets me now is that they expect it and think cause we are westerners money grows on trees for us and they dont show any gratitude..maybe this is the path that a lot of westerners with thai relationships go through, first happy as larry with it all, maybe in the future i wont give a shit as a lot of the posters on this board seem to be like. At the moment however I feel better giving money to the poor beggers on the street that truly need and appreciate it than ungrateful inlaws.

When I get the 'its our culture, you dont understand' treatment these days, I just hit back with, we are all human beings and should be helping eachother, not one person giving and one person taking, we should all be contributing to make our lives better. End of the day thats the truth of the matter

Posted (edited)

Saying its just Thai culture is used way too much.So I just do whatever they want based on its Thai culture. What about my culture? How about working? As a man you should work as long as your physically able to (unless you have money) if not your just a loser. How can you respect a person that doesn't work and just sits around all day? I wish people would stop defending lazy behavior and saying thats just the way it is.

Interesting...I adore my father in law, and I am looking forward to move closer and not meet him just some weekends. Sure...he makes hisself useful and it is very independent. At 77, a widow for many years, found a 50 years old woman to take care of his needs...ALL his needs. My role model.....

In Thailand a 60 years old person, men or women, it is considered an old person, and that's why the country admit that Farangs and Thais may be retired after 50. At the same time Thai families take care of the elders and disabled relatives, working or not. If you cannot work and do not have enough income at 60, will your relatives take care of your needs??? probably not. That's why in the US you can see many folks over 70 working full time or having 2 jobs, or living in nursing homes...if not on the streets. But...if you do not appreciate family values and tradition in Thailand.....you will be in trouble sooner or later....Your father in law is there to stay...

Or?....How about to take him for a night out with coyote girls? He may find a GF and move out...and you may learn to relax more..... This is Thailand!

Edited by umbanda
  • Like 1

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